Comment from Ure Connection

Average

Thank you for your writing.
The story line has great potential. There are however a couple of pointers.
The episodes of dialogue come and go without a real sense of who is talking and their placement. In this passage a lot of people seem to be speaking but the reader has no connection with all the changes and punctuation differences.

Is she alone...As you direct...others on this world?"

Secondly, Other than the general story line their is a lack of depth to the characters and their emotions or other senses to draw the reader in.

Something wrapped around his neck and fire burned his skin where it touched. {His neck burnt, filling the cab with the stench of singed hair as she slipped a noose over his thick neck. The pain brought tears to eyes bulging with fear}

Using words to describe his state draws the reader in deeper.

The story alone, as I said, is good so please continue. A love a good scifi tale.
Where does the filter take them to?







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 Comment Written 22-Jun-2011

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reply by the author on 23-Jun-2011

Master urefamily,

reply by the author on 23-Jun-2011

Back again! Sometimes! To continue, thanks for stopping by. The collar is the connection that gives the controller access to the host's central nervous system. The perception of burning is only due to stimulating the nerves in that area to generate the subject's impression of a burning sensation. In the case of the people, differing fonts characterize the separate individuals where direct attribution is unnecessary. The flitter is a stealthy transport vehicle that permits agents of The People in their war against the Distrans to travel widely, and without detection. I do appreciate the time and effort taken to read and comment on this bit of whimsy. Fantasist

Comment from Buctar

Exceptional

Wayne:

Very well done. I enjoyed the read. I hope you turn this into a novel. I think it is great material.

Just one observation:

She settled into the seat, curled up sideways AND FACING him.
(Recommend AND FACED.)

Bill

 Comment Written 17-Jan-2010

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reply by the author on 17-Jan-2010

Bill,

Thank you for the heads up and the unexpected affirmation.

Wayne

Comment from IndianaIrish

Excellent

I always enjoy your fantasy writing, Fantasist ... you easily put the reader into the story with your details and characters. The thought of there being The People is scary to me. Best of luck in the contest!
Lady II :>)

 Comment Written 16-Jan-2010

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reply by the author on 16-Jan-2010

Lady Aye, aye,

Good morning, nearly 1300 there isn't it?

Thanks for stopping by. Your thoughts are always appreciated.

But The People are benign, it's their mortal enemies, the Distrans that are the villains. They kill.

The People are like orchids, dependent on a host, but do not destroy them unless in exceptional circumstances, as in "The Impulse".

Speaking of dependent organisms, the ARC is really on a campaign for blood. There are these competing calls between the aphresis clinic and whole blood donor centers. The sad part is that all of this attention is because of a crashing need for A+ and CMV- somewhere.

I guess the disaster in Haiti is exacerbating the situation as well.

Here's to a good day in the Preemie ward. What a shame that so many of your patients will be the beneficiaries of the facility care, and the parents will often be financially straitened for years.

And congress still dithers. I think it will really be a blow if the special election in Massachusetts goes to a foe of the national health plan waiting in the conference committee.

Fantasist

Comment from misscookie

Excellent

This is a very moving story to say the least
You had my attention from the first sentence to the last sentence
it is fill with suspence and merstery
this is a good write.

 Comment Written 16-Jan-2010

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reply by the author on 16-Jan-2010

Lady misscookie,

Good morning.

It was good of you to stop by and your time is appreciated. Thanks, too, for the kind words of encouragement. If this bit of whimsy supplanted reality for a time, I am pleased.

Live long and write well,

Fantasist

reply by misscookie on 16-Jan-2010

youir welcome. have a nice day.

Comment from Mrs Jones

Excellent

Your writing is superb. I find the thought of there being Aliens - very scary. Let there be a lesson to those who pick up hitch-hikers. LOL. Good luck in the contest with this very worthy entry Wayne.
Cheers
xxxx

 Comment Written 15-Jan-2010

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reply by the author on 16-Jan-2010

Lady Rose,

Always the case. The exception was that during the war and cold war years, all of the major military bases had a pickup zone where passing motorists could give a hitchhiking military man a lift on his way.

I used to ride my motorcycle to and from San Diego when the ship was in port. I always changed to my warm civilian clothes during the winter as sometimes I'd run into rain or just cold foggy nights near the coast. One of the guys on the ship asked if I'd give him a ride as far as I went, the San Fernando Valley northwest of Los Angeles. He wore his Navy uniform with the peacoat, all wool with a satin lining and porous as a sieve. I had to stop about every thirty minutes to find a place for him to get a cup of coffee and warm up. It added almost three hours to my normal three and a half hour trip (before the interstates, now it is only about two hours).

Thanks for stopping by, and remember, this hitchhiker is one of the "good guys".

Fantasist

Comment from Gert sherwood

Excellent

Hello Allezw2,
Liked the way you got me into a scary mood right from the start of your story.

You had me in suspense all the way through your story, and more so when I finally realized the captors were aliens from Outer space.
I still see a lot of unanswered question who are these aliens, and what in the world are they doing on Earth and what do they want?
Good luck in the contest.
Gert

 Comment Written 15-Jan-2010

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reply by the author on 15-Jan-2010

Lady Gert sherwood,

Thanks for stopping by. Yes, there are aliens all over the place, all invaders and at war with each other. Some are relatively benign, others diabolically hostile.

You just never know who is what.

Fantasist

reply by Gert sherwood on 15-Jan-2010

Allezw
you are welcome
See you later.
Gert

Comment from barbara.wilkey

Excellent

This is definitely a horror story. You did a good job with it. I have read a few other entries for this contest. Yours has a good chance.

 Comment Written 14-Jan-2010

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reply by the author on 14-Jan-2010

Lady barbara.wilkey,

I thank you for your time to read over this bit of whimsy.

It's a toss up, for there are some really brilliant writers here. There are so many themes one can take and develop.

A talk show host once asked Robin Williams to develop a skit on the spur of the moment. In about three sentences, he had the world at war and the two opponents swapping sword thrusts instead of nuclear weapons.

So there are always variations on a theme.

Thanks for stopping by, and the kind words of encouragement.

Fantasist

Comment from c_lucas

Excellent

This is a well written, suspense filling chapter. It leaves a bunch of unanswered questions but I'm sure your will answer them in due time.

 Comment Written 14-Jan-2010

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reply by the author on 14-Jan-2010

Master c_lucas,

Thanks for stopping by.

This story is presented in a similar vein as other of the envied masters, Anderson, Gunn, Schmitz, DeCamp, among others, who scattered their themed stories whichever, among all of the magazines of the time, that paid them first. You had to keep an index to keep track of all the episodes involving each character among the different publications. Somehow it always seemed near treason that I'd have to pick up F&SF to read one instead of exclusively Astounding Science Fiction that became Analog Science Fact/Science Fiction a lifetime ago.

Wayne

reply by c_lucas on 14-Jan-2010

You're welcome, Wayne. I received five copies of your story. I took it as a message to read it or else. (LOL) Charlie

reply by the author on 14-Jan-2010

Turnabout! Maybe the same gremlin that posted your picture several times on my profile. I mean several times, unless they are each linked to one of your split personalities? I'm convinced. You put it on paper, I'll look at it.

Comment from Patrick G Cox

Excellent

Hi Allezw2,

Interesting premise and story. It runs very well and the dialogues keep it going and the reader guessing. Good descriptions too of the meeting and the captures.

Patrick

 Comment Written 14-Jan-2010

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reply by the author on 14-Jan-2010

Master PGC,

Thanks for stopping by. Some people really get perturbed thinking about a race of hidden symbiotes riding herd on humanity, and protecting the planet from inimical alien life forms.

Missing your thoughtful essays on the foibles of humanity in separated groups.

Where are the adventurers on the high frontier?

Time travel is a kick isn't it. I loved the thought of a 2007 Woman Marine in a gun fight with a cowboy badman, as an example.

I hope the new year is soaring for you.

I see from Aviation Week and Space Technology that the UK is having fits about its helicopter force in Afghanistan, along with the French and Americans.

At least the Marines seem to be getting a handle on the V-22.

Wayne

Comment from ms. cardshark

Good

I was having a very hard time staying with this story. It got particularly confusing when the hitchhiker first went into the back to change. This passagae needs work.
Also, it would have been helpful to the reader, if you started out with a short recap of the earlier episode rather than just adding it at the end in your author's notes
MM

 Comment Written 14-Jan-2010

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reply by the author on 14-Jan-2010

Lady ms. cardshark,

I regret you had a less than satisfying experience here.

Some styles simply do not click with some readers. Fortunately, there is a multitude of others for you to choose from.

You did not explain what the confusion was. It would be helpful if you would elaborate to a degree on your observation.

The previous posting mentioned has no relationship to this present one. It involves different members of the race whick identifies itself as "The People" is the same. The characters and circumstances are wholly different.

I thank you for stopping by and your considered comments.

Live long and write well,

Fantasist

reply by ms. cardshark on 14-Jan-2010

The reader, or I should say only this reader, had no idea what the "Well done," and "very well done" were referring to, or "the guardians". So you kind of lost me there. May be just me.
MM