Forget Me Not
A Crown of Heroic Sonnets for the contest55 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
Impressive! Fantastic work. Truly eloquent. I love all the phonetics (will not list them all because I know you know I noticed each and every one and applauded) but my favorite is your first sonnet with all the S sounds and C as well as internal rhymes.
Apt metaphor and imagery woven deftly, making a tapestry of thematic depth.
Near-flawless meter and fluid flow, well sculpted with apt punctuation choices. Even though there are quite a few run on sentence...they flow so smoothly that it does not hamper the pacing.
Fantastic rhymes. Especially in the first sonnet. Brood/accrued and Mandolin/spin are my favorite, but I am impressed by the many unusual and original rhymes and internal rhymes plus all the assonance that sounds like rhyme. Quite masterful writing!
Still, I made a few minor notes:
*suggestion:
by thrusting roots to dampness found below,
when summer heat beats down like molten gold; (Since it is such along sentence already, why not use a period here?)
f(F)or, with determination, all can grow,
despite the tenuous nature of their hold.
*
Its porch -- alas, of wood! - is honeycombed
Bit awkward. Suggest:
Its porch (alas, of wood!) is honeycombed
*
where birds come in to build their nests of straw, (no ,)
in long discarded hats, well lined with scraps
AWESOME COUPLET:
Vague memories of better days live on,
like echoes, though their usefulness is gone.
Love the phrasing:
as sunset casts its shadow on the past.
AMAZING PORTRAYAL HERE:
Then cold condenses drops of night-time dew,
old gutters weep their silent tears of rust,
and yellow eyes in hollows whisper, "Who?"
*
When morning comes(,) the stone soaks up the sun(,)
and I ascend the steps to reach the door,
intent to renovate,(--) a task begun
that leans against a wall with silent noise,
untuned,(no comma before parenthesis) (as is my focus on such joys).
LOVE THIS SECTION--TOUCHING AND WELL VOICED (note one spag):
And so it is with this old porch, ingrained
with love. Its timbers came from early ships,
constructed with a craftsmen's care and stained
with sweat. Though life was hard(,) they came to grips
and carved a home from local stone and wood,
with simple hand-held tools and joiners' arts
now seldom used, or taught, or understood.
*
New panes are pinned to muntins, puttied in,(.)
The matchboard's painted bright, no longer bare!
Nice word play but check spelling of tintinnabulations:
The roof, like us, is galvanised, with tin-
tinnabulations ringing out, "Rejoice!"
*
When rain pelts down(,) and I am safe inside,
with shelter from the elements - give voice!
Powerful:
in peaceful rocking days, when horses trot
on meadow grass in stallion spring
while old men dream their lives away and rot.
*
Perhaps(,) in years to come, when I am frail,
a kindly nurse will place my bed out here,
FAVORITE IMAGERY AND VOICING:
a yawning void where night's celestial pole,
reflects the crux of life, a Candlemas
of stars, fomenting universal birth,
a shattered ceiling, shards of broken glass,
a crystal goblet dashed, with godly mirth.
*
At length(,) the circle's closed, and(,) like good hosts(,)
LOVE THIS:
the random seeds of thought that grow and thrive
to soften sharper angles we have built
for sake of symmetry, to house our lives.
*ONE FLAW IN METER HERE:
A kaleidoscope of merging nights and days
SUGGEST:
Kaleidoscope of merging nights and days
AWESOME LINES:
scuds overhead like time-lapse clouds; a grim
montage, a fleeting glimpse of life erased
no sooner than it's felt - a phantom limb.
*
and rheumy eyes detect a blur of h(H)eaven,
*Amazing book end with the closing--so apt. One suggestion:
This precious life's on loan(,) and, when it's done,
roots curl around the moisture of cold stone.
Wish I had a six.
Bravo
Amazing work. Good luck in the contest.
As poetic license permits using punctuation differently in poems and only one line has a minor meter issue, five stars in advance.
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 24-May-2017
  |
Impressive! Fantastic work. Truly eloquent. I love all the phonetics (will not list them all because I know you know I noticed each and every one and applauded) but my favorite is your first sonnet with all the S sounds and C as well as internal rhymes.
Apt metaphor and imagery woven deftly, making a tapestry of thematic depth.
Near-flawless meter and fluid flow, well sculpted with apt punctuation choices. Even though there are quite a few run on sentence...they flow so smoothly that it does not hamper the pacing.
Fantastic rhymes. Especially in the first sonnet. Brood/accrued and Mandolin/spin are my favorite, but I am impressed by the many unusual and original rhymes and internal rhymes plus all the assonance that sounds like rhyme. Quite masterful writing!
Still, I made a few minor notes:
*suggestion:
by thrusting roots to dampness found below,
when summer heat beats down like molten gold; (Since it is such along sentence already, why not use a period here?)
f(F)or, with determination, all can grow,
despite the tenuous nature of their hold.
*
Its porch -- alas, of wood! - is honeycombed
Bit awkward. Suggest:
Its porch (alas, of wood!) is honeycombed
*
where birds come in to build their nests of straw, (no ,)
in long discarded hats, well lined with scraps
AWESOME COUPLET:
Vague memories of better days live on,
like echoes, though their usefulness is gone.
Love the phrasing:
as sunset casts its shadow on the past.
AMAZING PORTRAYAL HERE:
Then cold condenses drops of night-time dew,
old gutters weep their silent tears of rust,
and yellow eyes in hollows whisper, "Who?"
*
When morning comes(,) the stone soaks up the sun(,)
and I ascend the steps to reach the door,
intent to renovate,(--) a task begun
that leans against a wall with silent noise,
untuned,(no comma before parenthesis) (as is my focus on such joys).
LOVE THIS SECTION--TOUCHING AND WELL VOICED (note one spag):
And so it is with this old porch, ingrained
with love. Its timbers came from early ships,
constructed with a craftsmen's care and stained
with sweat. Though life was hard(,) they came to grips
and carved a home from local stone and wood,
with simple hand-held tools and joiners' arts
now seldom used, or taught, or understood.
*
New panes are pinned to muntins, puttied in,(.)
The matchboard's painted bright, no longer bare!
Nice word play but check spelling of tintinnabulations:
The roof, like us, is galvanised, with tin-
tinnabulations ringing out, "Rejoice!"
*
When rain pelts down(,) and I am safe inside,
with shelter from the elements - give voice!
Powerful:
in peaceful rocking days, when horses trot
on meadow grass in stallion spring
while old men dream their lives away and rot.
*
Perhaps(,) in years to come, when I am frail,
a kindly nurse will place my bed out here,
FAVORITE IMAGERY AND VOICING:
a yawning void where night's celestial pole,
reflects the crux of life, a Candlemas
of stars, fomenting universal birth,
a shattered ceiling, shards of broken glass,
a crystal goblet dashed, with godly mirth.
*
At length(,) the circle's closed, and(,) like good hosts(,)
LOVE THIS:
the random seeds of thought that grow and thrive
to soften sharper angles we have built
for sake of symmetry, to house our lives.
*ONE FLAW IN METER HERE:
A kaleidoscope of merging nights and days
SUGGEST:
Kaleidoscope of merging nights and days
AWESOME LINES:
scuds overhead like time-lapse clouds; a grim
montage, a fleeting glimpse of life erased
no sooner than it's felt - a phantom limb.
*
and rheumy eyes detect a blur of h(H)eaven,
*Amazing book end with the closing--so apt. One suggestion:
This precious life's on loan(,) and, when it's done,
roots curl around the moisture of cold stone.
Wish I had a six.
Bravo
Amazing work. Good luck in the contest.
As poetic license permits using punctuation differently in poems and only one line has a minor meter issue, five stars in advance.
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 20-May-2017
reply by the author on 24-May-2017
-
As you know, RD, I always appreciate your reviews and value your comments. I very much appreciate your close reading and suggestions. There were a number of fairly basic flaws in this, which I didn't pick up when proof-reading. I must have been half asleep! I can't imagine how I managed to let two tetrameter lines slip through!
I have adopted all of your suggestions and made several other small changes, too.
Best wishes, Tony
-
Thanks for your kind and gracious response, dear Tony. Sometimes when we are 'creating' we use one side of the brain and when we 'proof' or 'edit' we use the other...so one is in gear at a time sometimes...
Happens to me too...
Warmly,
rd
Comment from Bucketlist
Hi, I shall have to get this book marked. It is soooo long (I know it's the contest rules) I would like to have time to linger around the descriptions. Later,.........
I've come to realize that i could never pick out my favorite lines. Suffice to say you wear the crown of sonnets in my book!
A lovely sonnet, 5 does not do it justice but it's all I have.
Thanks for sharing your talents
Trisha
reply by the author on 22-May-2017
|
Hi, I shall have to get this book marked. It is soooo long (I know it's the contest rules) I would like to have time to linger around the descriptions. Later,.........
I've come to realize that i could never pick out my favorite lines. Suffice to say you wear the crown of sonnets in my book!
A lovely sonnet, 5 does not do it justice but it's all I have.
Thanks for sharing your talents
Trisha
Comment Written 20-May-2017
reply by the author on 22-May-2017
-
Very many thanks for your kind review, Trisha. Much appreciated! Tony
-
You are very welcome
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written crown of sonnets, an old house still standing strong built from quarried rock is good to stand for many more years but the woodworks need replacement for the remsining years of the poet's life time where he wishes to stay until his life ends.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 22-May-2017
|
A very well-written crown of sonnets, an old house still standing strong built from quarried rock is good to stand for many more years but the woodworks need replacement for the remsining years of the poet's life time where he wishes to stay until his life ends.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-May-2017
reply by the author on 22-May-2017
-
Very many thanks for your kind review, Sandra. Much appreciated! Tony
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
wow and I don't know where to go from there. It was a joy to read and flow through this ditty that kept going but in such a smooth way, it was a joy to read. The count and scheme is spot on as far as I can tell and a magnificient piece for the contest. What once was ebbed the change of time.
Truth? yu got me with the loss of the mandolin.
reply by the author on 24-May-2017
 |
wow and I don't know where to go from there. It was a joy to read and flow through this ditty that kept going but in such a smooth way, it was a joy to read. The count and scheme is spot on as far as I can tell and a magnificient piece for the contest. What once was ebbed the change of time.
Truth? yu got me with the loss of the mandolin.
Comment Written 20-May-2017
reply by the author on 24-May-2017
-
Very many thanks both for your review and for the award of six stars, Barb. Delighted that you enjoyed this and that it held your interest. The mandolin was not so much lost as forgotten. Unearthing it brought back a flood of memories. Best wishes, Tony
Comment from Mustang Patty
thank you so much for sharing your Crown of Heroic sonnets. I loved the way each sonnet was intertwined with the one before - tied by the repeating lines. Though each part had its own subject, the piece was cohesive.
Good luck in the contest and for giving me a pleasantly well written poem for my morning read,
~patty~
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 22-May-2017
|
thank you so much for sharing your Crown of Heroic sonnets. I loved the way each sonnet was intertwined with the one before - tied by the repeating lines. Though each part had its own subject, the piece was cohesive.
Good luck in the contest and for giving me a pleasantly well written poem for my morning read,
~patty~
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-May-2017
reply by the author on 22-May-2017
-
Very many thanks for your kind review, Patty. Much appreciated! Tony