Writings From the Heart
Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "This fellow's on the Square"A book of Poetry & Writing
54 total reviews
Comment from GregoryC
The rhymes are fractured and not consistent. But the theme is sound and well conceived. "To grave upon my monument," you might mean "To CARVE [not grave] upon my monument. But you already used the word carve in the third line.
"The final line "Here sleeps now a fellow who was always on the Square" sums it up, but the meter is off and the line somehow doesn't fit in with the rest of the structure.
I do like the Free Mason symbol - nice touch.
Gregory
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reply by the author on 23-May-2010
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The rhymes are fractured and not consistent. But the theme is sound and well conceived. "To grave upon my monument," you might mean "To CARVE [not grave] upon my monument. But you already used the word carve in the third line.
"The final line "Here sleeps now a fellow who was always on the Square" sums it up, but the meter is off and the line somehow doesn't fit in with the rest of the structure.
I do like the Free Mason symbol - nice touch.
Gregory
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-May-2010
reply by the author on 23-May-2010
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thanks Gregory
Comment from Joan E.
I appreciated your sentiments and bits of rhyme and found the phrases "carved with fulsome chaff" and "always on the Square" quite memorable. Do you know the history of the insignia for the free masons? We saw similar symbols in Israel and wondered about the significance (just curious).
reply by the author on 23-May-2010
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I appreciated your sentiments and bits of rhyme and found the phrases "carved with fulsome chaff" and "always on the Square" quite memorable. Do you know the history of the insignia for the free masons? We saw similar symbols in Israel and wondered about the significance (just curious).
Comment Written 23-May-2010
reply by the author on 23-May-2010
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i do joan being a mason for the last 28 years and friends of Israel so thank you for reading Gary
Comment from missy98writer
deepwater,
fabulous epitaph you've written. Excellent rhymes, great imagery and good narrative. Cool use of art work and the color blue. I especially liked the lines:
When I die I would not wish a lengthy epitaph
I do not wish a headstone large
Carved with fulsome chaff
I really loved the last line in your excellent poem:
Here sleeps now a fellow who was always on the Square
Thanks for sharing your well crafted poem. . .Melissa!
reply by the author on 23-May-2010
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deepwater,
fabulous epitaph you've written. Excellent rhymes, great imagery and good narrative. Cool use of art work and the color blue. I especially liked the lines:
When I die I would not wish a lengthy epitaph
I do not wish a headstone large
Carved with fulsome chaff
I really loved the last line in your excellent poem:
Here sleeps now a fellow who was always on the Square
Thanks for sharing your well crafted poem. . .Melissa!
Comment Written 23-May-2010
reply by the author on 23-May-2010
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thank you Melissa
Comment from Nicki_Mist
Being on the up and up and being truthful in your dealings and doing a good lifes work is one of the best things that you could have on your headstone. I like what you want on there. Great poem and touching.
Nicole
reply by the author on 23-May-2010
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Being on the up and up and being truthful in your dealings and doing a good lifes work is one of the best things that you could have on your headstone. I like what you want on there. Great poem and touching.
Nicole
Comment Written 23-May-2010
reply by the author on 23-May-2010
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thank you Nicole
Comment from Jeanie Mercer
This is a worthy epitaph you have chosen: "Here sleeps now a fellow who was always on the Square." The poem is artfully presented. Best wishes, Jeanie Mercer
reply by the author on 22-May-2010
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This is a worthy epitaph you have chosen: "Here sleeps now a fellow who was always on the Square." The poem is artfully presented. Best wishes, Jeanie Mercer
Comment Written 22-May-2010
reply by the author on 22-May-2010
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thank you Mercer for reading Gary
Comment from bowls
I guess anyone would be happy to have that epitaph. That expression, FULSOME CHAFF is great - like my favourite PIOUS FLUFF. Lots of that flying around. This is a good, solid piece.
reply by the author on 22-May-2010
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I guess anyone would be happy to have that epitaph. That expression, FULSOME CHAFF is great - like my favourite PIOUS FLUFF. Lots of that flying around. This is a good, solid piece.
Comment Written 22-May-2010
reply by the author on 22-May-2010
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thank you bowls
Comment from patmedium
Yet another nitpick on my part. You have 'wish' twice in the first two lines. Would it not be better if one of them was substituted with some other word?
This is, again, a lovely message. Pat.
reply by the author on 22-May-2010
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Yet another nitpick on my part. You have 'wish' twice in the first two lines. Would it not be better if one of them was substituted with some other word?
This is, again, a lovely message. Pat.
Comment Written 22-May-2010
reply by the author on 22-May-2010
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thank you Pat will get there oneday....gary
Comment from barbara.wilkey
This is a wonderful thought, 'Here sleeps now a fellow who was always on the Square'. I wonder how many people could take a honest look at their life and say the same thing. Your poem flows smoothly.
reply by the author on 22-May-2010
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This is a wonderful thought, 'Here sleeps now a fellow who was always on the Square'. I wonder how many people could take a honest look at their life and say the same thing. Your poem flows smoothly.
Comment Written 22-May-2010
reply by the author on 22-May-2010
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thank you Barbara
Comment from Pili Pubul
I am not sure what is The Square, please forget my ignorance. I love your poem, and the personality reflected in your desires.
Just this one phrase of all I choose
To show my life was fair
reply by the author on 22-May-2010
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I am not sure what is The Square, please forget my ignorance. I love your poem, and the personality reflected in your desires.
Just this one phrase of all I choose
To show my life was fair
Comment Written 22-May-2010
reply by the author on 22-May-2010
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the square is abot free masons Pili thanks for reading GW
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Thank you my friend , my granfather was the Mayor of our city during the Republic, he was a mason, was executed by Franco before I was born.
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sorry to here pili but you keep smiling for him,,,,gary
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You are great deepwater, thank you.
Comment from rmdelta
deepwater,
this is well written, my friend. Excellent descriptives throughout allow easy imagery. Your message is clear. Well done.
REggie
reply by the author on 22-May-2010
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deepwater,
this is well written, my friend. Excellent descriptives throughout allow easy imagery. Your message is clear. Well done.
REggie
Comment Written 22-May-2010
reply by the author on 22-May-2010
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thank you Reggie
