Streets of Cincinnati
Violence in the city49 total reviews
Comment from Tpa
A superb description of today's inner city-any city being flooded with mayhem, violence, drugs, and murder. You blended into your text a well-written scenario of innocence caught in this everyday occurrence. You did this well.
NOTE: when writing a thought in italics, you don't write 'he thought'. the thought is understood. Read other established authors. I did the same thing until it was brought to my attention. HAPPY WRITING.
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2021
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A superb description of today's inner city-any city being flooded with mayhem, violence, drugs, and murder. You blended into your text a well-written scenario of innocence caught in this everyday occurrence. You did this well.
NOTE: when writing a thought in italics, you don't write 'he thought'. the thought is understood. Read other established authors. I did the same thing until it was brought to my attention. HAPPY WRITING.
Comment Written 09-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2021
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Thank you so much, Tpa, for your extra-special six-star review. But most of all for your kind words, comments, suggestions, and that you liked it. And thank for pointing out about the italics and still leaving the he thought. I do know that the italics are supposed to show it's someone's thoughts, but every time I don't throw a hint, I get bombarded with people telling I need something else. LOL. Either way, I always appreciate your reviews and insights! I appreciate YOU!
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
Yes, it can happen, and does, in many cities in the US for real. The news is filled with these senseless shootings of innocent people--many young teens. It is a scary comment on the society we live in today. You did a great job with your fiction story The characters are well-defined as is the city. It is a sad scenario to think that this continues. I see no end to it. So many lives lost over what?
Thanks for sharing.
Respectfully, Jan
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2021
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Yes, it can happen, and does, in many cities in the US for real. The news is filled with these senseless shootings of innocent people--many young teens. It is a scary comment on the society we live in today. You did a great job with your fiction story The characters are well-defined as is the city. It is a sad scenario to think that this continues. I see no end to it. So many lives lost over what?
Thanks for sharing.
Respectfully, Jan
Comment Written 09-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2021
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Thank you so much, Jan, for your kind words, comments, and generous review. Yes, there is no end in sight for the escalating violence. These are sad times in our country and all over the world. I appreciate YOU!
Comment from Eunice Amero
You had enough words for me. You only hear this stuff on thje news but I felt to be right there. It's awful what happens in the streets. Whats sad there are parents who don't give a hoot where their children are until its too late. I'm not prefect but I have tried for 50 years to treach my children the right way and God says to bring them up in the way they should go and they will never depart from it and today I have 1 child out of six who knows the LOrd. Now to tell you the truth we are not at all prefect. We fail and get tempered to do things we shouldn't. It's too bad so many chilldren hasn't got a mothers love to come home to. You have a real sad story that I am so happy my mother never allowed me to get mixed up in that. I thank you for sharing your story. I enjoyed it.
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2021
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You had enough words for me. You only hear this stuff on thje news but I felt to be right there. It's awful what happens in the streets. Whats sad there are parents who don't give a hoot where their children are until its too late. I'm not prefect but I have tried for 50 years to treach my children the right way and God says to bring them up in the way they should go and they will never depart from it and today I have 1 child out of six who knows the LOrd. Now to tell you the truth we are not at all prefect. We fail and get tempered to do things we shouldn't. It's too bad so many chilldren hasn't got a mothers love to come home to. You have a real sad story that I am so happy my mother never allowed me to get mixed up in that. I thank you for sharing your story. I enjoyed it.
Comment Written 09-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2021
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Thank you so much, Eunice, for your extra-special six-star review. Yes, the good Lord says that if we bring our children up in the way they should go, then they will not depart from it. But, given freewill, we all have a tendency to wander off and get into things we shouldn't. It's a learning process. But, just keep praying and hoping, those wayward children, much like me, will one day find there ways home and back to the Lord. I can't thank you enough for your outstanding review. You've made my week! I appreciate YOU!
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you are so right andf you are welcome
Comment from Begin Again
This might as well have been posted as Non-Fiction. Children of today live in a very sad, violent world; one I never could have dreamed of as a child. Television drama didn't even show the unexplainable crimes we see as natural occurrences nowadays.
Unfortunately, I could feel you as being somewhere in the mix of all this chaos and pain. It touched you and therefore; you brought to life and it touched all your readers. Ghalen, an innocent fourteen yr old, tried to step up to the plate and be a stand-in mother, a good student, but he was caught by the need to stay in touch with his childhood friends. But even they didn't bring his death, a random idiotic shot took his life.
My heart wanted to break for the mother as she held her dying son, but at the same time I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs "Where were you when you were needed at home?"
My town was once considered a sleepy little town outside of Chicago, but not anymore. Our crime rate is soaring; there's shots fired and murders every night. When will it stop? Never unless we stop turning a blind eye to what's happening in our world. It can't be all about the rich and famous, because America has a poor side too and they need help.
Enough of my bandwagon review.... I was touched deeply in so many ways by your story. I felt the mixed emotions brewing beneath each character and word you wrote. I hope everyone reads it and takes a moment or hopefully two to really take it to heart.
Smiles and hugs, Always ....Carol
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2021
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This might as well have been posted as Non-Fiction. Children of today live in a very sad, violent world; one I never could have dreamed of as a child. Television drama didn't even show the unexplainable crimes we see as natural occurrences nowadays.
Unfortunately, I could feel you as being somewhere in the mix of all this chaos and pain. It touched you and therefore; you brought to life and it touched all your readers. Ghalen, an innocent fourteen yr old, tried to step up to the plate and be a stand-in mother, a good student, but he was caught by the need to stay in touch with his childhood friends. But even they didn't bring his death, a random idiotic shot took his life.
My heart wanted to break for the mother as she held her dying son, but at the same time I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs "Where were you when you were needed at home?"
My town was once considered a sleepy little town outside of Chicago, but not anymore. Our crime rate is soaring; there's shots fired and murders every night. When will it stop? Never unless we stop turning a blind eye to what's happening in our world. It can't be all about the rich and famous, because America has a poor side too and they need help.
Enough of my bandwagon review.... I was touched deeply in so many ways by your story. I felt the mixed emotions brewing beneath each character and word you wrote. I hope everyone reads it and takes a moment or hopefully two to really take it to heart.
Smiles and hugs, Always ....Carol
Comment Written 09-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2021
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Thank you so much, Carol, for your fantastic review and kind words. The first line of this story, as many others, are anything but fiction. I witnessed the pitiful girl at the park. But when I asked if there was anything I could do to help her, I could see the fear in her eyes, and she hurried away. Like where you live, the violence is spreading and getting more horrendous by the day. I can't thank you enough for your wonderful and encouraging review. And most of all, I'm just glad you get it. I appreciate YOU!
Comment from jenintorre
Well Ric this is a very hard hitting story. I found it very gripping. Your descriptions are excellent. Is this the city that you live in?I hope not. Take care. Jen
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2021
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Well Ric this is a very hard hitting story. I found it very gripping. Your descriptions are excellent. Is this the city that you live in?I hope not. Take care. Jen
Comment Written 09-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2021
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Thank you so much, Jen, for your kind words and generous review. Yes, this is where I live, but fortunately, most of the violence starts about 11 miles North of me. Thanks for reading. Much appreciated!
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
SSSSSStupendous! Brutal, vivid. SSSSSStunning punch to the gut. Brilliant. CheerSSSSSS. LIZ
Suggestions for tightening:
Scattered remnants tell horror stories that lying eyes fail or refuse to see [SUGG OMIT or admit].
fighting losing battles against their own [SUGG OMIT hidden] demons and addictions.
*****
First one up, Ghalen sat eating an [SUGG OMIT not-so-healthy] overload of sugary goodness:
His regular [buyer's=>BUYERS'] cars would creep down the street,
A 4.0 student, whose 5'5" 250-pound fire-hydrant [physic=>PHYSIQUE]
headed to school, [in=>EN] route through the park.
[Nearing=>AS THEY NEARED] the opposite sidewalk, a reeved motor and squealing tires caused them to stop and turn sharply.
[Ghalen's name meaning tranquil and calm, that moment was anything but]=> Sugg: Ironic that "Galen" means tranquil; the moment was anything but.
His young mother, on her way home, had seen [SUGG OMIT every facet of] her son's gory murder. She ran [wailing OR screaming] in agony. Blinded by a deluge of tears [USGG OMIT streaking her face] [and=>, SHE] collapsed TO HER knees [SUGG OMIT first] on the concrete.
They cried and hugged [SUGG OMIT to ease the pain], desperate for any sense of comfort.
[Siren's=>SIRENS] roared, racing nearer. [SUGG OMIT Sadly,] paramedics arrived too late. Ghalen [had died=>SUGG: WAS DEAD]. [SUGG OMIT: and his inconsolable family and friends were left to suffer immeasurable heartbreak.]
Another mindless [SUGG OMIT: and illogical killing].
SUGG ITS OWN PARA: And on any night, it can happen where you live.
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2021
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SSSSSStupendous! Brutal, vivid. SSSSSStunning punch to the gut. Brilliant. CheerSSSSSS. LIZ
Suggestions for tightening:
Scattered remnants tell horror stories that lying eyes fail or refuse to see [SUGG OMIT or admit].
fighting losing battles against their own [SUGG OMIT hidden] demons and addictions.
*****
First one up, Ghalen sat eating an [SUGG OMIT not-so-healthy] overload of sugary goodness:
His regular [buyer's=>BUYERS'] cars would creep down the street,
A 4.0 student, whose 5'5" 250-pound fire-hydrant [physic=>PHYSIQUE]
headed to school, [in=>EN] route through the park.
[Nearing=>AS THEY NEARED] the opposite sidewalk, a reeved motor and squealing tires caused them to stop and turn sharply.
[Ghalen's name meaning tranquil and calm, that moment was anything but]=> Sugg: Ironic that "Galen" means tranquil; the moment was anything but.
His young mother, on her way home, had seen [SUGG OMIT every facet of] her son's gory murder. She ran [wailing OR screaming] in agony. Blinded by a deluge of tears [USGG OMIT streaking her face] [and=>, SHE] collapsed TO HER knees [SUGG OMIT first] on the concrete.
They cried and hugged [SUGG OMIT to ease the pain], desperate for any sense of comfort.
[Siren's=>SIRENS] roared, racing nearer. [SUGG OMIT Sadly,] paramedics arrived too late. Ghalen [had died=>SUGG: WAS DEAD]. [SUGG OMIT: and his inconsolable family and friends were left to suffer immeasurable heartbreak.]
Another mindless [SUGG OMIT: and illogical killing].
SUGG ITS OWN PARA: And on any night, it can happen where you live.
Comment Written 09-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2021
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Thank you so much, Liz, for this wonderful and uplifting review, in more ways than one. Now, I just need to figure out how to slip a copy of you in my hind pocket along with Elements by Strunk and White. Well, better scratch that thought. In my front pocket . . . huh, better forget that idea too. How about . . . I wish I could keep you around to polish all my blunders before I post them. LOL. Hope that sounds better. LOL. It's a lot of work, with no reward but a smile on my face and tons of appreciation! Thanks again for the extra-special six-star review! You're a champ! Yes, I know, too many exclamations.
Comment from lancellot
Hmm, very descriptive, but from the moment perfect Ghalen (despite his hard circumstances) was mentioned and described we knew he would die a senseless death. That was foretold by the introduction. You did well building a character the reader will empathize with, to bring home a sense of unfairness and senselessness when he dies.
But, there is no real story here. It is all surface level. You wanted to point to a senselessness to the violence where they live. But that isn't true. There are reasons for it. Lots of real reasons. They are simply too hard or taboo or complicated to speak about. The gangs exist for a reason. They act for a reason. Ghalen has no dad at home for a reason. (And he would not have friends being who he was.) but, this will go over well with the FS community. Your audience here does not want to see those reason either (the elephant). They will happily praise the no reason, senseless angle. It is much easier to take. A a good writer must always know his audience.
You are a good writer. Well done.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2021
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Hmm, very descriptive, but from the moment perfect Ghalen (despite his hard circumstances) was mentioned and described we knew he would die a senseless death. That was foretold by the introduction. You did well building a character the reader will empathize with, to bring home a sense of unfairness and senselessness when he dies.
But, there is no real story here. It is all surface level. You wanted to point to a senselessness to the violence where they live. But that isn't true. There are reasons for it. Lots of real reasons. They are simply too hard or taboo or complicated to speak about. The gangs exist for a reason. They act for a reason. Ghalen has no dad at home for a reason. (And he would not have friends being who he was.) but, this will go over well with the FS community. Your audience here does not want to see those reason either (the elephant). They will happily praise the no reason, senseless angle. It is much easier to take. A a good writer must always know his audience.
You are a good writer. Well done.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2021
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Thank you so much, Lancellot, for your comments, kind words, and generous reviews. Yes, I agree with everything you have said, and I understand them more than you could ever imagine. I grew up on those streets, which has given me a firsthand understanding for the many reasons for most everything. But many times, reasons are just an excuse, and an opportunity to use those reasons for benefit. I made it out. But out of my 13 closest friends, there were only two who did. The others died young. Seven in the penitentiary, and they weren't true criminals. Just lost boys. I'm not sure I could make this audience understand the reasons, which is why the actual story is short. The descriptions were seen with my own eyes. You're an outstanding writer! And I'm just happy for you to think my story is well done. Thanks, again!
Comment from GregoryCody
This is FANTASTIC. Beautifully written.
Grass glazed shiny red beneath the wooden slats.
Wow. Really great word choices.
He blew her kisses in a flurry with both hands.
There are MANY. No joke it's like every section something stands out! Tough to do my friend. Shows a lot of talent obviously.
Well deserved :)
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2021
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This is FANTASTIC. Beautifully written.
Grass glazed shiny red beneath the wooden slats.
Wow. Really great word choices.
He blew her kisses in a flurry with both hands.
There are MANY. No joke it's like every section something stands out! Tough to do my friend. Shows a lot of talent obviously.
Well deserved :)
Comment Written 09-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2021
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Thank you so much, Gregory, for your extra-special six-star review. But most of all, for your kind words and encouragement. I was once told that a writer had to be born with tons of natural talent, which meant, I might as well give it up. I was over 50 and barely knew a noun from a verb, wasn't trying to become a real writer or make money, just had things I wanted to say. Now, reviews like yours are the only rewards I'll ever need to feel my efforts haven't been wasted. One smile, touched heart, or person made aware. I can't thank you enough for your wonderful words and review. You've made my week. I appreciate YOU!
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What a kind reply. It was well earned brother. You are obligated to keep writing!! You have it
Comment from Brett Matthew West
Paragraph One paints such an illusion of a street urchin lost in life with no hope for her next breath.
Setting could be almost anywhere, though screams inner city.
"Where's mama?" A huge contributor to young forgotten lives.
Doesn't Ghalen getting shot in a drive-by happen with way too much consistency?
Captures modern life to a tee.
Unfortunately no relief, or end of this, appears near.
An easy sixer.
Bumped this up to Number One spot. Needs to be read!
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2021
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Paragraph One paints such an illusion of a street urchin lost in life with no hope for her next breath.
Setting could be almost anywhere, though screams inner city.
"Where's mama?" A huge contributor to young forgotten lives.
Doesn't Ghalen getting shot in a drive-by happen with way too much consistency?
Captures modern life to a tee.
Unfortunately no relief, or end of this, appears near.
An easy sixer.
Bumped this up to Number One spot. Needs to be read!
Comment Written 09-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2021
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Thank you so much, Brett Matthew, for the extra-special six-star review. But most of all, for always taking time to read my posts and offering such kind and encouraging motivation for me to keep plugging along. The first line of this story was an easy write, as I sat in the park just before dark and watched the poor girl stumble off. I'm a big, tough, and sometimes gruff man, but luckily no one could see the tears pouring down my cheeks. I asked the girl if there I was anything I could do to help, and that's when she gave the fearful glance back. I can't thank you enough for the outstanding review and comments. I appreciate YOU!