A Matter of Life Remembered
A Remembrance told in prose and haiku41 total reviews
Comment from Coco Jane
What a poignant piece! All lives matter, and we in the trenches of ordinary life need to hear that message often.
I believe Polaroid needs to be capitalized.
The poem snippets seem to distract from the narrative. Just my opinion.
Good images of the Christmas meal and your discomfort with the whole situation. Very true to a preteen.
Consider titling this "Forget Me Not."
I especially like "a riot of purple violets." Riot brings the image right to mind, and the assonance with violet works perfectly. Nicely done!
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reply by the author on 03-Jun-2019
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What a poignant piece! All lives matter, and we in the trenches of ordinary life need to hear that message often.
I believe Polaroid needs to be capitalized.
The poem snippets seem to distract from the narrative. Just my opinion.
Good images of the Christmas meal and your discomfort with the whole situation. Very true to a preteen.
Consider titling this "Forget Me Not."
I especially like "a riot of purple violets." Riot brings the image right to mind, and the assonance with violet works perfectly. Nicely done!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2019
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Hello Coco Jane,
Other than the capitalization of "Polaroid," which I have changed, your rating does not/should not equate to a rating of 4 = Needs Improvement.
I would NEVER suggest to a writer to change a title. Nor would I write that something "seems" to distract.
You are entitled to your opinion; however, your overall review is complimentary and worthy of an Excellent rating or higher: "poignant piece," "I especially like," "Very true to a preteen" and "Nicely done."
Additionally, the "poem snippets" are haiku. This piece is technically a haibun = a combination of prose and poetry. To call the haiku "snippets" is highly obtuse and indicates a lack of understanding and/or appreciation.
A bit difficult for me to not become a bit defensive about your review. "Just my opinion."
diane
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Mrs. KT,
My understanding is that a four-star rating means "Good. Adjustments needed." I believe that definition fits my view of the work and my comments. I see lots of good material in the piece, but a few things that could be even better.
I didn't see a label of "haibun" on your piece, so I was unaware of your intention. I do see the note about "in prose and poetry."
My apologies if my comments made you feel defensive.
Coco Jane
Comment from Heather Knight
This is a beautifully written text. I like the diary-like structure and the mention of forget-me-nots.
Your notes are very sad. We always discriminate against those who are different and it's so cruel and damaging.
What a shame your aunt had to endure even ECT.
Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2019
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This is a beautifully written text. I like the diary-like structure and the mention of forget-me-nots.
Your notes are very sad. We always discriminate against those who are different and it's so cruel and damaging.
What a shame your aunt had to endure even ECT.
Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 03-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2019
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Hello Maria!
Thank you for your excellent rating and thoughtful review.
So pleased my words resonated with you!
Such a tragic story...
Thank you!
diane
Comment from WalkerMan
You are right that EVERY life matters -- regardless of length or things considered "accomplished" -- because every life touches, and thus in some way affects, others. Your cherishing of forget-me-nots (and poppies) is just one example of how your life has been affected by one(s) now gone.
Your description of your Aunt Barbara's life and suffering at the hands of the bungling medical and psychiatric methods of that time is sad but not overdone. You captured the details of her situation, and your own feelings about them at the time, honestly and without hand-wringing.
At her funeral, the priest's apparent ignorance of the key positives in her life likely came from not knowing her personally, as you did. It would not have occurred to him to ask you (age fifteen at the time) about such things, and you were not in a position to realize what he didn't know until it was too late.
Perhaps the recent flourishing of forget-me-nots on your property is not entirely accidental....
Superb, and aptly illustrated.
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2019
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You are right that EVERY life matters -- regardless of length or things considered "accomplished" -- because every life touches, and thus in some way affects, others. Your cherishing of forget-me-nots (and poppies) is just one example of how your life has been affected by one(s) now gone.
Your description of your Aunt Barbara's life and suffering at the hands of the bungling medical and psychiatric methods of that time is sad but not overdone. You captured the details of her situation, and your own feelings about them at the time, honestly and without hand-wringing.
At her funeral, the priest's apparent ignorance of the key positives in her life likely came from not knowing her personally, as you did. It would not have occurred to him to ask you (age fifteen at the time) about such things, and you were not in a position to realize what he didn't know until it was too late.
Perhaps the recent flourishing of forget-me-nots on your property is not entirely accidental....
Superb, and aptly illustrated.
Comment Written 03-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2019
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Hello Mike!
I am thrilled that my offering resonated with you and warranted a six star rating.
This was a difficult write on a number of levels:
1. I wanted to do my aunt's story justice, but not make it so lengthy that readers would lose interest.
2. I didn't want to appear melodramatic, maudlin, or self-serving.
3. I have always been intrigued by the Japanese form of haibun. This offering started out as a haibun, but the prose segment took on a life of its own = too long to be a haibun. Likewise, the prose is not as terse and definitive as required by a haibun. But I kept the haiku as it added a different dimension to my writing.
As for my gardens, they are exploding with forget-me-nots at the moment. On one entire side of our home, my maternal grandmother's lily-of-the-valley are beginning to bloom. Their fragance is heavenly. Throughout our acre of gardens, my mother's Mayapples have just finished blooming. Every Mother's Day, as long as my mother was living, she would gift me with red and white bleeding hearts; they are gorgeous this year. And I haven't even mentioned my mother's violets, my paternal grandmother's persopholia, and my sister's Creeping Charlie. My gardens are a family affair; that is for certain!
Thank you again, Mike!
Wishing you a beautiful week!
diane
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You are most welcome, Diane. You met your goals in writing this story. It all rings true, with genuine emotion. The well-placed haiku do indeed add another dimension.
Your family garden of memories sounds gorgeous. May it bring you delight for many years to come. I pity anyone so enamored of rules that the uniformity of plain grass seems better.
When I was a child, we had a four-foot deep band of flowers -- roses, tulips, blue irises, orange tiger lilies, daffodils, pansies, forsythia, and climbing blue morning glories inside the white picket fence around the back yard, as well as white clover and yellow buttercups in the lawn. I enjoyed my task of pulling the weeds and keeping the soil loose. I even grew some carrots, radishes, and cucumbers too. No such thing is possible where I am now, and I miss it.
You are again welcome, Diane. Thank you -- you too. -- Mike
Comment from djsaxon
Stunning! I knew that I had to review today to earn some 'funny money' and approached the 'task' with caution, but this was no task. A beautiful and honest write. I love EVERY word of this. The priest's platitudes made me angry. The forget me not freedom made me cry. Thank you for sharing this wonderful write. DJ
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2019
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Stunning! I knew that I had to review today to earn some 'funny money' and approached the 'task' with caution, but this was no task. A beautiful and honest write. I love EVERY word of this. The priest's platitudes made me angry. The forget me not freedom made me cry. Thank you for sharing this wonderful write. DJ
Comment Written 03-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2019
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Hello DJ!
I am thrilled and honored by your exceptional rating and complimentary review.
So pleased that my words moved you...but what a tragic story...
Thank you ever so much!
diane
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
This is a heart rendering write Diane and your aunt absolutely mattered and what a tragic life she lead but then again there were happy times that cannot be overlooked and must be remembered, she was cared for in the bosom of her family who where heroes. This is a tragic tale that brought a tear to my eye and in your your aunt is always remembered as forget-me-nots link you to her whenever you see them, a sensitive write Diane, well told and well received, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2019
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This is a heart rendering write Diane and your aunt absolutely mattered and what a tragic life she lead but then again there were happy times that cannot be overlooked and must be remembered, she was cared for in the bosom of her family who where heroes. This is a tragic tale that brought a tear to my eye and in your your aunt is always remembered as forget-me-nots link you to her whenever you see them, a sensitive write Diane, well told and well received, love Dolly x
Comment Written 03-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2019
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Hello Dolly!
Thank you for your excellent rating and thoughtful review.
I am moved that my word resonated with you.
My aunt suffered greatly... Such a tragic story.
Thank you again!
diane
Comment from phil nelson
Your story is excellent, and touched many personal nerves. Your descriptive powers are enviable--I really enjoyed the message that "she mattered"--so often we simply remember people only by their achievements, but everyone does matter, and so they should! I have forget-me-nots in my garden for my late Father, which were his favourite from his own garden years ago --Very enjoyable story-thank you!
All the Best!
Phil
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2019
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Your story is excellent, and touched many personal nerves. Your descriptive powers are enviable--I really enjoyed the message that "she mattered"--so often we simply remember people only by their achievements, but everyone does matter, and so they should! I have forget-me-nots in my garden for my late Father, which were his favourite from his own garden years ago --Very enjoyable story-thank you!
All the Best!
Phil
Comment Written 02-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2019
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Hello Phil!
I am thrilled that my words resonated with you!
Thank you for your exceptional rating and thoughtful review!
My aunt's life truly mattered...
Thank you!
diane
Comment from Jesse James Doty
Wow. There is a tear in my right eye as I write this review of such excellent writing that six stars don't begin to be enough for what has been given to me as a gift. The gift is your memories and the story they tell of your beloved Aunt and the trials and difficulties she faced, along with the rest of the family in watching her change so drastically from a grinning young woman to a slight and physically burdened person with whom you wished you had known more. The poems in between the story are beautiful. The last segment with your garden full now of blue forget-me-nots is moving and poignant with irony. Although you give us more details of the treatment of your aunt in the 1940s in your notes, the story tells us what we need to know when we need to know it. Beautiful beyond compare, I would choose this post as the quintessential post of the year. Thank you so much for sharing this heartwarming true story.
Take care, Jesse
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2019
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Wow. There is a tear in my right eye as I write this review of such excellent writing that six stars don't begin to be enough for what has been given to me as a gift. The gift is your memories and the story they tell of your beloved Aunt and the trials and difficulties she faced, along with the rest of the family in watching her change so drastically from a grinning young woman to a slight and physically burdened person with whom you wished you had known more. The poems in between the story are beautiful. The last segment with your garden full now of blue forget-me-nots is moving and poignant with irony. Although you give us more details of the treatment of your aunt in the 1940s in your notes, the story tells us what we need to know when we need to know it. Beautiful beyond compare, I would choose this post as the quintessential post of the year. Thank you so much for sharing this heartwarming true story.
Take care, Jesse
Comment Written 02-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2019
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Aw, Jesse!
I am beyond honored by your exceptional rating and thoughtfully presented review.
This was such a difficult write for me as I wanted to share her story, my story, a bit of my family's story, but not appear melodramatic or maudlin.
The poems are the result of my reading and re-reading the prose parts and reacting to them in poetry form. I've been intrigued by the Japanese form of haibun, but after researching it, the prose has to be terse - no frills - and mine isn't that. Also my prose offerings are too long, I believe for a haibun.
So...this is a bit of an experimental offering that I am so pleased resonates with you!
My grandparents lost three children:
an infant son, Anton, to diphtheria
their second, their eldest son, William, survived the Bataan Death March and 31 months as a Japanese POW at Cabanatuan Prison only to lose his life by the missiles of an American submarine, the USS Snook while chained to the hold of the Japanese Hell Ship, the Arisan Maru.
and my aunt...to the ravages of rheumatoid arthritis and epilepsy...
But they never spoke ill of anyone.
They never lost their faith.
That is their legacy to me...
Thank you again!
diane
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And such a good legacy it is! I thought you told this story very well and I was captivated by the details of how your aunt lost her ability to function. This is a sad story told with dignity without asking for any sympathy. I meant every word I wrote in my review. Thank you for sharing, and I am glad you liked my review. You're welcome.
Jesse
Comment from susand3022
Hello Again!!! How are you these days? I adore this write. I too had a favorite Aunt named Barbara... though she didn't like her name so she changed it... much to her parent's chagrin, to Lynn. I had an Aunt Lynn. She passed away from cancer when she was in her early 40's, back in the '70s. I'm really glad that I wasn't around in the '40s. I don't even want to think about what your Aunt went through. It's hard enough having grand mal seizures without being shocked in the process. Your poor dear aunt.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2019
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Hello Again!!! How are you these days? I adore this write. I too had a favorite Aunt named Barbara... though she didn't like her name so she changed it... much to her parent's chagrin, to Lynn. I had an Aunt Lynn. She passed away from cancer when she was in her early 40's, back in the '70s. I'm really glad that I wasn't around in the '40s. I don't even want to think about what your Aunt went through. It's hard enough having grand mal seizures without being shocked in the process. Your poor dear aunt.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2019
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Hello Susan!
Congratulations on your "Write a Script" win! Wonderful!
And thank you for this excellent rating and review!
So pleased my words resonated with you.
Such a tragic remembrance...
diane
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Thank you! :)
Comment from juliaSjames
One can only read and absorb. It seems disrespectful to review. For this is both a homage to your Aunt Barbara and a monument, in words to those who suffered, and suffer, as she did.
This write is holy ground.
I too love forget me nots. Tiny wildflower, blue as the sky, stamens gold as sunshine, beautiful and resilient but easily overlooked.
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2019
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One can only read and absorb. It seems disrespectful to review. For this is both a homage to your Aunt Barbara and a monument, in words to those who suffered, and suffer, as she did.
This write is holy ground.
I too love forget me nots. Tiny wildflower, blue as the sky, stamens gold as sunshine, beautiful and resilient but easily overlooked.
Comment Written 02-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2019
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Hello Julia!
I am deeply honored by your exceptional rating and thoughtful review.
This was a difficult write...But I have wanted to pen it for some time. Just trying to work my way through it, and how I could present it without appearing maudlin or melodramatic...
Thank you again!
diane
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You were neither, Diane.
Somewhere your aunt is smiling.
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I'd like to think so, Julia...
Thank you!
diane
Comment from Rachelle Allen
You are such a masterful writer, Mrs. KT. I could not read this fast enough; it was just mesmerizing. I went back two more times, just to savor its every word. This is simultaneously heart-wrenching and beautiful. I have to bookcase this one. You have outdone yourself here. xo
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2019
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You are such a masterful writer, Mrs. KT. I could not read this fast enough; it was just mesmerizing. I went back two more times, just to savor its every word. This is simultaneously heart-wrenching and beautiful. I have to bookcase this one. You have outdone yourself here. xo
Comment Written 02-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2019
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Hello Rachelle!
This was a really tough write for me as I didn't want my rendering to sound melodramatic or maudlin. To be so young and vibrant, and to have it all taken away = heart-wrenching, indeed.
I wrote the prose sections first, and then I thought of each section in terms of a poem/reaction...
I am deeply honored by your exceptional rating and thoughtful review.
So many emotions...
Thank you again!
diane
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I wondered whether the poem sections or the prose came first. I guess that's a compliment because it all fit together so seamlessly.
It was obvious it was a hard write because I could feel your heart in every word of it. But it was not in any way maudlin or melodramatic. It was touching. And eloquent. And totally, totally beautiful/mesmerizing.