Stranger Danger
The neighbors you know and the neighbors you don't know.50 total reviews
Comment from TheWriteTeach
This was a sad story. Having taught school for many years, I can tell you that children don't 'bounce back' as people like to proclaim. The horrors children face in their childhood stays with them, and deeply affects who they are. Just because they don't speak about those horrors doesn't mean they are forgotten.
It is unforgivable that the Powers family treated your family so awful just because of skin color. You were good people and good neighbors. You gave them no reason to act the way they did.
You transitioned well from scene to scene. Everything you wrote moved your story forward, and nothing slowed or stalled it out. You grabbed my interest from the start and held it throughout.
You mostly 'told' the reader what was happening rather than 'showed' us. This story had many places that would lend itself well to 'show.' It would help paint a vivid picture in the mind's eye.
I noticed a few errors.
My sister quieted, [and] we hit every house on the block . . . (you omitted the word 'and')
I think they came from the South[,] because their brood of dirty blond . . . (Use a comma to separate two independent clauses that are joined with a conjunction.)
. . . I recall my sister, {my} brother, and I . . . (you don't need the second 'my')
. . . I recall my sister, my brother, and I[,] three black children[,] stood on the sidewalk . . . (Use a comma to separate a parenthetical expression apart from the rest of the sentence, not dashes, em or en. Dashes are called for in different situations.)
I opened my eyes[,] and I saw an orange glow from my . . . (Use a comma to separate two independent clauses that are joined with a conjunction.)
This is an excellent story and I could see it expanded into something bigger. I would love to know what it was like the day the Powers family moved in, if you tried to be friends with them, how your family got along with them after the fire, did they do more awful things to you, etc.
Suzanne
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2016
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This was a sad story. Having taught school for many years, I can tell you that children don't 'bounce back' as people like to proclaim. The horrors children face in their childhood stays with them, and deeply affects who they are. Just because they don't speak about those horrors doesn't mean they are forgotten.
It is unforgivable that the Powers family treated your family so awful just because of skin color. You were good people and good neighbors. You gave them no reason to act the way they did.
You transitioned well from scene to scene. Everything you wrote moved your story forward, and nothing slowed or stalled it out. You grabbed my interest from the start and held it throughout.
You mostly 'told' the reader what was happening rather than 'showed' us. This story had many places that would lend itself well to 'show.' It would help paint a vivid picture in the mind's eye.
I noticed a few errors.
My sister quieted, [and] we hit every house on the block . . . (you omitted the word 'and')
I think they came from the South[,] because their brood of dirty blond . . . (Use a comma to separate two independent clauses that are joined with a conjunction.)
. . . I recall my sister, {my} brother, and I . . . (you don't need the second 'my')
. . . I recall my sister, my brother, and I[,] three black children[,] stood on the sidewalk . . . (Use a comma to separate a parenthetical expression apart from the rest of the sentence, not dashes, em or en. Dashes are called for in different situations.)
I opened my eyes[,] and I saw an orange glow from my . . . (Use a comma to separate two independent clauses that are joined with a conjunction.)
This is an excellent story and I could see it expanded into something bigger. I would love to know what it was like the day the Powers family moved in, if you tried to be friends with them, how your family got along with them after the fire, did they do more awful things to you, etc.
Suzanne
Comment Written 07-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2016
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Yes, Suzanne, "children don't 'bounce back.'" I looked at my drawings, photographs, poems, and stories and discovered that I have been replaying the same images of horror for forty-eight years. I often use fantasy or science fiction to allude to the event. I hope that by tackling the event head on in a non-fiction story, I can finally put to rest this ghost of Halloween that has haunted me my entire life.
Your notes and corrections are instructive. I copied and printed them so I can correct them one by one. Given that this story is a script that I will tell from memory in front of audiences I will use my tools of my hands, body, face, and voice to "show" my audience my story within five minutes. I deeply appreciate your corrections because I need to finalize this script so I can begin rehearsal.
Thank you for your review.
Comment from cterp
Andre,
Chilling. Terrifying. Inspiring. This is spell-binding. As soon as you lied behind your masks, I knew something was up, but I thought you kids were going to be the culprits.
"We slept with candy hidden beneath our pillows." : your last minutes of innocence
You have written an emotional, moving account of something no family should experience. I am so sorry yours did.
This is a strong contender for the contest. I'll watch for it when the time comes.
chris
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2016
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Andre,
Chilling. Terrifying. Inspiring. This is spell-binding. As soon as you lied behind your masks, I knew something was up, but I thought you kids were going to be the culprits.
"We slept with candy hidden beneath our pillows." : your last minutes of innocence
You have written an emotional, moving account of something no family should experience. I am so sorry yours did.
This is a strong contender for the contest. I'll watch for it when the time comes.
chris
Comment Written 07-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2016
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Yes, Chris, I love that detail of my siblings and me hiding the candy beneath our pillows. That was our last minutes of innocence before all hell broke loose. This is "Chilling. Terrifying. Inspiring. This is spell-binding." I focus now on the good neighbors instead of dwelling upon the bad.
Thank you for your generous, six star review and support. I deeply appreciate them.
Comment from ioana.u
It's a powerful story and unfortunately there is a lot of truth in it. You have a great style and a very natural flow.
Ioana
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2016
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It's a powerful story and unfortunately there is a lot of truth in it. You have a great style and a very natural flow.
Ioana
Comment Written 07-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2016
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Yes, Ioana, there is a lot of truth in this "powerful story." Thank you for your review and for complimenting my "great style and a very natural flow."
Comment from F. Wehr3
Powerful story. I really enjoyed the piece, and I thought the message at the end was excellent. It's appalling the behavior of the Powers family. I don't know how you managed not to confront them, but thinking back, I guess things were different. I don't know sometimes I think things are getting better, but it all revolves in a circle. We find ourselves right back where we started. To peace, love, and unity.
Take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2016
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Powerful story. I really enjoyed the piece, and I thought the message at the end was excellent. It's appalling the behavior of the Powers family. I don't know how you managed not to confront them, but thinking back, I guess things were different. I don't know sometimes I think things are getting better, but it all revolves in a circle. We find ourselves right back where we started. To peace, love, and unity.
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 07-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2016
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Yes, Russell, "it all revolves in a circle." Just last week in a city in upstate New York the only black fireman on a department received a threatening letter in his mailbox to leave. When he did not, bigots set his apartment on fire. I was shocked. This is still happening? This is all the more reason we need to press forward with "peace, love, and unity." Thank you for your generous, six star review. I deeply appreciate it.
Comment from I am Cat
Wow. Most powerful sentence is in the author's notes:
Processing that someone hates you enough to want to burn you alive is difficult for a child to grasp.
Hell, Andre', that's difficult for a grown-ass adult to grasp! omg! That's just awful. I was glued to the screen in this, and because I've listened to hours of your work on youtube, I could HEAR you reading it. I could see your smile, see the dramatics, and see the dead serious look on your face when it came the time to be so.
I was touched beyond words.
I am still touched, and there is a poem brewing. I will be looking up your works you have cited. This is outrageous, compelling and just plain jaw-dropping.
How can people be so evil?
I don't understand it at all.
Where I come from, 'poor white trash' is more a badge of honor, and certainly not the sort of people who would do such a thing. These people are just plain evil.
I can't explain it any other way. The dregs of society.
It breaks my heart.
((((((((sending love)))))))))
Cat
Stellar writing, all around. It comes from the deepest part of you, and anyone can see that.
Great job.
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2016
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Wow. Most powerful sentence is in the author's notes:
Processing that someone hates you enough to want to burn you alive is difficult for a child to grasp.
Hell, Andre', that's difficult for a grown-ass adult to grasp! omg! That's just awful. I was glued to the screen in this, and because I've listened to hours of your work on youtube, I could HEAR you reading it. I could see your smile, see the dramatics, and see the dead serious look on your face when it came the time to be so.
I was touched beyond words.
I am still touched, and there is a poem brewing. I will be looking up your works you have cited. This is outrageous, compelling and just plain jaw-dropping.
How can people be so evil?
I don't understand it at all.
Where I come from, 'poor white trash' is more a badge of honor, and certainly not the sort of people who would do such a thing. These people are just plain evil.
I can't explain it any other way. The dregs of society.
It breaks my heart.
((((((((sending love)))))))))
Cat
Stellar writing, all around. It comes from the deepest part of you, and anyone can see that.
Great job.
Comment Written 07-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2016
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Thank you, Cat, for your generous, six star review. Yes, it is difficult for adults to grasp, too, "that someone hates you enough to want to burn you alive." I do not understand such evil. I chose to focus on the neighbors who helped my family. That is the message of love I want to send.
I am looking forward to wrapping up reviews and corrections so I can commit this story to memory and perform it.
Once again, thanks.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Andre,
Another great piece of writing here. your turn of phrase is superb, as is your use of simile.
You can feel the fear and tension in this piece, made so much more palpable by its truth.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2016
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Hi Andre,
Another great piece of writing here. your turn of phrase is superb, as is your use of simile.
You can feel the fear and tension in this piece, made so much more palpable by its truth.
All the best
G
Comment Written 07-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2016
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Thank you, G., for your generous, six star review of "Another great piece of writing." I am glad you also noted my "turn of phrase is superb, as is your use of simile." Once again, thanks.
Comment from light
This story is exceptionally told. You mange to draw your reader into your experience. There is always at lest one in the crowd. A good example good and evil. One set the fire and the other put it out. I am sorry for your terrible experience.
Elaine
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2016
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This story is exceptionally told. You mange to draw your reader into your experience. There is always at lest one in the crowd. A good example good and evil. One set the fire and the other put it out. I am sorry for your terrible experience.
Elaine
Comment Written 07-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2016
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Thank you, Elaine, for your generous, six star review. In my family's retelling of this incident for the past forty years we focused on the neighbors who did us ill. This is the first time I acknowledge the neighbors who helped. If I cannot thank them personally, at least I can acknowledge that there are good people in the world to put out the flames of hatred. Once again, thanks.
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I know but hat I can never feel what you feel, but one of my husband 's ancestors was a slave and her write his biography. His name is Moses Roper. He was a white slave, the product of a white slave owner and a light black slave. He wrote about how badly he was treated.
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Yes, all of my ancestors were either slaves or slave owners, which is why I am 12% white today.
Comment from lancellot
A very good story. It is a stark reminder that for every evil person there are ten good people. You avoided one ignorant family and were treated as kids by the others. You ended up with a load of candy. Perhaps that bad family did set your porch on fire, but other saved your family and your home regardless of color. A well balanced tale with a strong message. good and evil come is all shades.
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2016
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A very good story. It is a stark reminder that for every evil person there are ten good people. You avoided one ignorant family and were treated as kids by the others. You ended up with a load of candy. Perhaps that bad family did set your porch on fire, but other saved your family and your home regardless of color. A well balanced tale with a strong message. good and evil come is all shades.
Comment Written 07-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2016
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Yes, lancellot, I love my "well balanced tale with a strong message." Understandably, many writers today would dwell on the evil. Enough time has passed in mm story to acknowledge the good neighbors. "It is a stark reminder that for every evil person there are ten good people."
Thank you for your generous, six star review. I deeply appreciate it.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
That is so sad. Why are people so evil? You are so right about the strangers and the known neighbours, which makes the story all the sadder. You have told it so well too. I hope those people that started the fire were brought to account some time in their lives, if not, they have yet to face a higher judge. Excellent story! :) Sandra xxx
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2016
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That is so sad. Why are people so evil? You are so right about the strangers and the known neighbours, which makes the story all the sadder. You have told it so well too. I hope those people that started the fire were brought to account some time in their lives, if not, they have yet to face a higher judge. Excellent story! :) Sandra xxx
Comment Written 07-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2016
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Thank you, Sandra, for your review. I am glad I made my point "about the strangers and the known neighbours." I am not going to waste time and energy hating the people who wronged my family. I will as best as I can in this story acknowledge and thank the people who helped my family. Thank you for your review.
Comment from dmt1967
This is shocking. I used to have bad neighbours but nothing like that, although I live in a small village and see racism every day. I think we haven't progressed as far as the politicians would like us to believe. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2016
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This is shocking. I used to have bad neighbours but nothing like that, although I live in a small village and see racism every day. I think we haven't progressed as far as the politicians would like us to believe. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 07-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2016
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Yes, "we haven't progressed as far as the politicians would like us to believe." Just last week in upstate New York, bigots torched the home of the only black fireman in town. It is shocking that this keeps happening. Thank you for your generous, six star review.