Louise , part 2
Young man lead astray by lust and faith.38 total reviews
Comment from humpwhistle
Gretchen, I still like your story, but I'm a little surprised by the ending. The two halves of your story don't come together neatly for me. I would like to see more 'middle' of your story. Yes, that would make it longer, but maybe the story would be richer if you tracked Tucker's transition at a more gradual, more ominous pace.
I think the whole thing would be more believable if you gave Tucker's change of perspective more room to flourish.
The note about her nails appearing more garish is brilliant, but, in this writer's estimation, more of that sort of observation would help the reader build a more believable bridge to the final melodramatic scene.
Again, Gretchen, these thoughts and opinions are solely mine, and only intended to give constructive (I hope) feedback, and food for thought.
Again, I think this is a very good story, and far superior to many I've read and enjoyed.
I made a few notes.
Peace, Lee
I walked home.--Pretty flat. Maybe tag into the next sentence: I drifted--nearly floated--toward home, but my thoughts roiled.
I felt things...
I was in town.--Maybe 'In town' would be a more natural response.
...as he talked.
maybe: as he preached? pontificated? admonished?
at risk (of) eternal damnation.
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2013
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Gretchen, I still like your story, but I'm a little surprised by the ending. The two halves of your story don't come together neatly for me. I would like to see more 'middle' of your story. Yes, that would make it longer, but maybe the story would be richer if you tracked Tucker's transition at a more gradual, more ominous pace.
I think the whole thing would be more believable if you gave Tucker's change of perspective more room to flourish.
The note about her nails appearing more garish is brilliant, but, in this writer's estimation, more of that sort of observation would help the reader build a more believable bridge to the final melodramatic scene.
Again, Gretchen, these thoughts and opinions are solely mine, and only intended to give constructive (I hope) feedback, and food for thought.
Again, I think this is a very good story, and far superior to many I've read and enjoyed.
I made a few notes.
Peace, Lee
I walked home.--Pretty flat. Maybe tag into the next sentence: I drifted--nearly floated--toward home, but my thoughts roiled.
I felt things...
I was in town.--Maybe 'In town' would be a more natural response.
...as he talked.
maybe: as he preached? pontificated? admonished?
at risk (of) eternal damnation.
Comment Written 09-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2013
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I was hoping this would come off as just a moment of passion. He still thought he loved her but she rejected him and he used her soul as an excuse. I thank you for the reminder to use a little more care with my words. I do have a tendency to get lazy. Thank you for the wonderful review. Gretchen
Comment from MelReyn
As I start to read I'm filled with dread. You've glazed over the sex, so there is more to this.
Someone's going to die. Louise, because she doesn't love him back? The boy's father because he's too overbearing and judgemental... or the boy AND Louise, both killed by the father for the same reasons? UHHH.... I have to shut up and keep reading so I can figure out what happens.
"But I want you." Impatience showed in her now. CRAP. SHe's going to die. It's not halloween yet, but I feel like it is. I'm holding my breath. I'd better finish before I pass out.
AHHH! I had my money on the father because he seemed more likely to lose it, but as they say... The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Whew. This is worse than a Dexter-like psycho, because he thought he was saving her. It wasn't a dark urge or a lack of emotion or childhood abuse (well maybe that one)... he did it because he loved her and that freaks me out much more than all the other killers. Because I can make excuses for the others. "Oh, he's mentally ill. It's not really his fault, he was beat up as kid." But I can't do that for Tucker. Not really. And he's just a kid, he'll probably kill again.
Crap.
Well done Gretchen! I'm not usually genuinely freaked out by horror or suspense stories on here... but you've managed to do that to me. I think it's because I can see this easily happening in real life. Wow. Deep breath.
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2013
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As I start to read I'm filled with dread. You've glazed over the sex, so there is more to this.
Someone's going to die. Louise, because she doesn't love him back? The boy's father because he's too overbearing and judgemental... or the boy AND Louise, both killed by the father for the same reasons? UHHH.... I have to shut up and keep reading so I can figure out what happens.
"But I want you." Impatience showed in her now. CRAP. SHe's going to die. It's not halloween yet, but I feel like it is. I'm holding my breath. I'd better finish before I pass out.
AHHH! I had my money on the father because he seemed more likely to lose it, but as they say... The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Whew. This is worse than a Dexter-like psycho, because he thought he was saving her. It wasn't a dark urge or a lack of emotion or childhood abuse (well maybe that one)... he did it because he loved her and that freaks me out much more than all the other killers. Because I can make excuses for the others. "Oh, he's mentally ill. It's not really his fault, he was beat up as kid." But I can't do that for Tucker. Not really. And he's just a kid, he'll probably kill again.
Crap.
Well done Gretchen! I'm not usually genuinely freaked out by horror or suspense stories on here... but you've managed to do that to me. I think it's because I can see this easily happening in real life. Wow. Deep breath.
Comment Written 09-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2013
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Breathe deep. repeat after me, it's just a story. Thank you for the funny review. I felt like I was reading a short story. Now go rad something by adewpearl, she's always happy and uplifting. Gretchen
Comment from Rosalyne
Hi Gretchen,
You have done a great job of writing a conclusion to your story. I sure didn't expect the ending. That caught me by surprise. Great job.
Bye
Rosalyne
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2013
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Hi Gretchen,
You have done a great job of writing a conclusion to your story. I sure didn't expect the ending. That caught me by surprise. Great job.
Bye
Rosalyne
Comment Written 09-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2013
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Thank you for the great review and the wonderful rating. I really appreciate it. Gretchen
Comment from Titanx9
I would never have expected this end. Tucker and his father sound like religious fanatics. Louise, brazen as she was, didn't deserve to die the way she did. You crafted an excellent short story that has genuine realism in the events that took place.
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2013
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I would never have expected this end. Tucker and his father sound like religious fanatics. Louise, brazen as she was, didn't deserve to die the way she did. You crafted an excellent short story that has genuine realism in the events that took place.
Comment Written 09-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2013
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Thank you for the wonderful review. Gretchen
Comment from kardinals5
The story kept my attention and suspense. I like the fact that you used the devil in the story and how he affects peoples lives. I could see this story happening.
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2013
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The story kept my attention and suspense. I like the fact that you used the devil in the story and how he affects peoples lives. I could see this story happening.
Comment Written 08-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2013
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Thank you for the super review. Gretchen
Comment from Zue65
This piece is satirical, yes Louise could be filthy , she may not be a christian but to kill her under the cloak of Christian teachings is insanity and much more sinful. God laws were clear, love thy neighbor and don't kill thy brother. Lust led Tucker astray so is his faith. Well done, the piece made the readers think. God bless.
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2013
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This piece is satirical, yes Louise could be filthy , she may not be a christian but to kill her under the cloak of Christian teachings is insanity and much more sinful. God laws were clear, love thy neighbor and don't kill thy brother. Lust led Tucker astray so is his faith. Well done, the piece made the readers think. God bless.
Comment Written 08-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2013
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I wasn't trying to knock the Christian faith. I am a die hard Episcopalian. It was just an attempt to show how dangerous over zealous people can be. Thank you for the wonderful review and the blessing. Gretchen
Comment from Righteous Riter
The writer does a good job of drawing the reader into this chapter. The writer gradually builds the intensity of chapter as well as the curiosity of the reader. The pace is steady and consistent as the writer brings this chapter to a ending filled with suspense.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2013
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The writer does a good job of drawing the reader into this chapter. The writer gradually builds the intensity of chapter as well as the curiosity of the reader. The pace is steady and consistent as the writer brings this chapter to a ending filled with suspense.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2013
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Thank you for the great review. I really appreciate it. Gretchen
Comment from lindalcreel
Oh damn. Why did his father have to get involved. Louise was just looking to give the kid a good time, but Daddy had to go and make him feel guilty. Now Louise is dead and something tells me junior has no remorse whatsoever. Can't wait to see what he becomes when he grows up. Forgiveness should come from God. When someone is ready to accept him, they'll do it on there own, otherwise what does it mean. This was a good read. Anytime my blood pressure goes up, you have caught my attention. Good job.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2013
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Oh damn. Why did his father have to get involved. Louise was just looking to give the kid a good time, but Daddy had to go and make him feel guilty. Now Louise is dead and something tells me junior has no remorse whatsoever. Can't wait to see what he becomes when he grows up. Forgiveness should come from God. When someone is ready to accept him, they'll do it on there own, otherwise what does it mean. This was a good read. Anytime my blood pressure goes up, you have caught my attention. Good job.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2013
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Take a deep breath. It's only fiction. But I am so happy this piece got a reaction out of you. Thank you for the great review. Gretchen
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It's really good fiction. And you're welcome.