Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 30 "A Hoka Moon, Pt. 2"Murder Mystery
49 total reviews
Comment from Maustin
Good characterization development with each of your individual characters. Your verbal exchanges were believable with good narration throughout the work. Very intriguing indeed. I really like your Skeets character. Good write. Enjoyed.
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2013
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Good characterization development with each of your individual characters. Your verbal exchanges were believable with good narration throughout the work. Very intriguing indeed. I really like your Skeets character. Good write. Enjoyed.
Comment Written 30-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2013
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Hi, Miracle. Thank you so very much for your generosity. I really appreciate you sharing what you felt worked in this chapter. I kind of like Skeets, too LOL.
So appreciate your support and kindness, my friend.
Hugs, Bev
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So very welcome, my friend!! I enjoyed. Good write. :)
Comment from misscookie
I know this is a seriopus chapter but I hadto lugh when he so called balance a tuna fish sandwich with a slice of cheese cake and a diet soda. Yeah thats what I call a great weight watcher. This was a very moving chapter. thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2013
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I know this is a seriopus chapter but I hadto lugh when he so called balance a tuna fish sandwich with a slice of cheese cake and a diet soda. Yeah thats what I call a great weight watcher. This was a very moving chapter. thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 30-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2013
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Hi, Miss Cookie. Thank you for this lovely and gracious review. You are so kind to continue to follow my story, and I'm glad I could make you laugh. That's awesome! Blessings, Bev
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Your very welcome. I love to laugh thANK YOU AGAIN.
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That's just the impression I've always had about you, Cookie. Have a lovely evening! Bev
Comment from Dawn Munro
Yikes, this is getting more and more edge-of-your-seat suspenseful, Bev. I love how you build your characters too, each one having a new dimension added, layer by layer, yet building on what's been said before in a different way: "...Jana Burke's slow burn of ambition..." It tells us more about him, not just her.
You have included some excellent details as well, which only serves to place your reader right in the scene: "Skeets sniffed in short bursts until recognition dawned."
Your concluding sentence is marvelous, and there are many like it throughout. It's a wonderful chapter, Bev!
The system won't let me give you a six, but it's so deserving!
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2013
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Yikes, this is getting more and more edge-of-your-seat suspenseful, Bev. I love how you build your characters too, each one having a new dimension added, layer by layer, yet building on what's been said before in a different way: "...Jana Burke's slow burn of ambition..." It tells us more about him, not just her.
You have included some excellent details as well, which only serves to place your reader right in the scene: "Skeets sniffed in short bursts until recognition dawned."
Your concluding sentence is marvelous, and there are many like it throughout. It's a wonderful chapter, Bev!
The system won't let me give you a six, but it's so deserving!
Comment Written 30-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2013
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Dawn, thank you so very much for this wonderfully supportive and generous review. I so appreciate your insights - they mean a lot to me! And your virtual six is also very much appreciated. Thank you, my friend! Hugs, Bev
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It's my pleasure, Bev - it's a great story!
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Aw, you rock! xxxooo
Comment from c_lucas
It would appear that we have an unknown crime. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read.
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2013
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It would appear that we have an unknown crime. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read.
Comment Written 30-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2013
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Hi, charlie. Thank you much for your generous review. The crime will soon be discovered, unfortunately for Fritz. Warmest regards, Bev
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You're welcome, Bev. Charlie
Comment from mumsyone
Hi Bev,
Good chapter. A few suggestions, to use or not.
aided by the taxpayer(-)funded, state-of-the-art
When he'd moved from St. Paul to Granite Mountain in the 80's(,) to accept a position as a homicide detective,
He was neither whip-smart like his commander, Derek Oleson(,) or polished like his partner, Ron Jolly.
He angle(-)parked outside a butcher shop slash deli (butcher shop/deli) owned by a Finn named Lolly.
Arriving minutes later at the church(,) he parked between Ron Jolly's patrol car and the CSI van.
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2013
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Hi Bev,
Good chapter. A few suggestions, to use or not.
aided by the taxpayer(-)funded, state-of-the-art
When he'd moved from St. Paul to Granite Mountain in the 80's(,) to accept a position as a homicide detective,
He was neither whip-smart like his commander, Derek Oleson(,) or polished like his partner, Ron Jolly.
He angle(-)parked outside a butcher shop slash deli (butcher shop/deli) owned by a Finn named Lolly.
Arriving minutes later at the church(,) he parked between Ron Jolly's patrol car and the CSI van.
Comment Written 30-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2013
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Hi, Lois. Thanks so much for the helpful review. I use a grammar check system, so the areas you point out come as a surprise, but I bow to your experience. Warmest regards, Bev
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I don't trust computer programs, for punctuation, especially. They're only as good as the person who programs them, as my husband would have said. I find that even my word processor, when I'm writing poetry, tries to add commas where they shouldn't be. But it's entirely up to you to use whatever method you're comfortable with.
Hugs,
Lois
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It's helped with some aspects and, as you point out, not so much in other ways. Thanks again, Lois! Bev
Comment from fictionwriter
Another well written piece of the story. I enjoyed the fact he, as usual for ems personel didn't get to eat his lunch. You've got the reader so involved in the story. Well done. One little nit for you.
he()parked between Ron
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2013
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Another well written piece of the story. I enjoyed the fact he, as usual for ems personel didn't get to eat his lunch. You've got the reader so involved in the story. Well done. One little nit for you.
he()parked between Ron
Comment Written 30-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2013
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Thanks so much, FW. I appreciate the gracious review and suggestion. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from AprilShower
Fritz Buell's clothes? That's strange. An ear, but where is Fritz and why send his clothes? Will they ever find the man committing these murders? Could the clues start coming together soon? This person had to break into the church or could it be someone living or working at the church? I'm anxious to find out, Bev.
Hugs,
April
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2013
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Fritz Buell's clothes? That's strange. An ear, but where is Fritz and why send his clothes? Will they ever find the man committing these murders? Could the clues start coming together soon? This person had to break into the church or could it be someone living or working at the church? I'm anxious to find out, Bev.
Hugs,
April
Comment Written 30-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2013
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Hi, April. Patience grasshopper LOL.
Thanks so much, my friend. I appreciate your support and generosity. Hugs, Bev
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You're welcome, Bev. LOL.
Comment from Adri7enne
Damn, you just get better and better. Reads like an "off the shelf" novel. Love that description of Skeets, "that rare detective who never resisted desk duty during an active homicide investigation." Each character is so distinct.
"Supplementing his own talent for finding the buried track, HE'D patiently nurtured official contacts throughout the country - cops, like himself..." I might join those two thoughts together in one sentence, since they're really a continuation of the same idea. And I might remove the 'D, since he likely still continued the nurturing. If you remove it and read the sentence you'll find it gives the same meaning without that pesky plus perfect tense.
"Grabbing a diet coke, he paid his bill and EXITED THE MARKET." You could simplify. "paid his bill and LEFT." Just a suggestion.
"Skeet hurried to where Ron Jolly STOOD WATCHED the processing of the human ear." SUPERVISED???
Yeah! Good character development, Bev. You've got a good story developing. I fully expect you'll be published. Yea!!!
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2013
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Damn, you just get better and better. Reads like an "off the shelf" novel. Love that description of Skeets, "that rare detective who never resisted desk duty during an active homicide investigation." Each character is so distinct.
"Supplementing his own talent for finding the buried track, HE'D patiently nurtured official contacts throughout the country - cops, like himself..." I might join those two thoughts together in one sentence, since they're really a continuation of the same idea. And I might remove the 'D, since he likely still continued the nurturing. If you remove it and read the sentence you'll find it gives the same meaning without that pesky plus perfect tense.
"Grabbing a diet coke, he paid his bill and EXITED THE MARKET." You could simplify. "paid his bill and LEFT." Just a suggestion.
"Skeet hurried to where Ron Jolly STOOD WATCHED the processing of the human ear." SUPERVISED???
Yeah! Good character development, Bev. You've got a good story developing. I fully expect you'll be published. Yea!!!
Comment Written 30-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2013
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Hi, Adrienne. Thanks for the great tips. You've picked out to spots I struggled a bit with. You're so in tune and such a great reviewer. Thanks for the suggestion, which I will definitely employ, and the support. You make me smile, my friend. Hugs, Bev
Comment from Joy Graham
Doesn't sound like a diversionary tactic to me. My hunch is that the guy is truly dead. Gruesome to be sent an ear. I saw no spag at all, Bev. You really put a smooth chapter together. Lots of mystery and a desire to read more. It was worth the wait, my friend :)
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2013
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Doesn't sound like a diversionary tactic to me. My hunch is that the guy is truly dead. Gruesome to be sent an ear. I saw no spag at all, Bev. You really put a smooth chapter together. Lots of mystery and a desire to read more. It was worth the wait, my friend :)
Comment Written 30-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2013
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Thanks, Joy. I had a bit of writer's block, so I am really pleased at your kind and supportive review. I appreciate you! Hugs, Bev
Comment from Roxanna Andrews
Another great chapter. As always it's great and driving me crazy wondering who is behind it all. You've given clues but I think they could be misleading. =] Anyway I see no errors and wall done as usual. Rox
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2013
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Another great chapter. As always it's great and driving me crazy wondering who is behind it all. You've given clues but I think they could be misleading. =] Anyway I see no errors and wall done as usual. Rox
Comment Written 30-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2013
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Hi, Rox. Sorry to keep you hanging. I know how that drives me crazy when I'm reading a mystery which I why I often skip to the ending LOL. I really appreciate your great review and support, my friend. Hugs, Bev
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I meant "well" done, I say I see no errors then make one myself. =} Anyway you are very welcome.
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Thanks for caring so much, Rox. You're a kind lady. Hugs, Bev