Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 22 "Poha Moon, Pt. 2"Murder Mystery
41 total reviews
Comment from barkingdog
I did the suggested corrections as I read along. It's a great second half:
-her coat hung or was hanging in its usual position.
-'help you to a standing position' would be more natural to say 'help you up.' and 'allow me to do the work.' (most of is extraneous)
-Caroline straightened to stand( ing position is unnecessary)
-broken anything[useful].
I loved his handling of her: lie down or go to the hospital. LOL I'd lie down.
Fantastic chapter, Bev. I really like Caroline. She's a strong character, says what she thinks. And confirms the Father's faith that God will win over this evil.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
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I did the suggested corrections as I read along. It's a great second half:
-her coat hung or was hanging in its usual position.
-'help you to a standing position' would be more natural to say 'help you up.' and 'allow me to do the work.' (most of is extraneous)
-Caroline straightened to stand( ing position is unnecessary)
-broken anything[useful].
I loved his handling of her: lie down or go to the hospital. LOL I'd lie down.
Fantastic chapter, Bev. I really like Caroline. She's a strong character, says what she thinks. And confirms the Father's faith that God will win over this evil.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
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Thanks for such a helpful review, Ellen. I really appreciate the tweaking and your support. You are the best! Hugs, Bev
Comment from Adri7enne
"The dog whimpered but STAY rooted to the spot." STAYED
"Except for shards of glass, THERE WAS NO OBVIOUS IMPEDIMENT TO MOVEMENT." I might try to simplify that sentence. It sounds too 'writerly'.
"Sadness held Brian in its grip. "Could the wounds caused by one man's selling OF his soul to Satan ever heal?" he thought.
Only actual voiced words should be in quotes. Perhaps you could put the quoted part in italics, and drop the attribution, "he thought." John Grisham does it all the time. He calls it 'a beat of interior monologue.'
Another wonderful chapter, Bev. Totally creepy. You've got me looking over my shoulder. LOL! And I have to go to the basement now. Chee!
Good writing, girl!
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
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"The dog whimpered but STAY rooted to the spot." STAYED
"Except for shards of glass, THERE WAS NO OBVIOUS IMPEDIMENT TO MOVEMENT." I might try to simplify that sentence. It sounds too 'writerly'.
"Sadness held Brian in its grip. "Could the wounds caused by one man's selling OF his soul to Satan ever heal?" he thought.
Only actual voiced words should be in quotes. Perhaps you could put the quoted part in italics, and drop the attribution, "he thought." John Grisham does it all the time. He calls it 'a beat of interior monologue.'
Another wonderful chapter, Bev. Totally creepy. You've got me looking over my shoulder. LOL! And I have to go to the basement now. Chee!
Good writing, girl!
Comment Written 27-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
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Hi, Adrienne. Thank you for your great suggestions, my friend! I appreciate the help and support. You rock, sister. I'll be reviewing yours tomorrow :0) Love ya, Bev
Comment from Connie C
Once again, Bev, you've proven yourself to be quite the storyteller. The setting, the dialogue, and the suspense all contribute to what continues to be a hard-to-put-down novel. I want to keep reading!! Can't wait for the next chapter.
Hugs,
Connie
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
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Once again, Bev, you've proven yourself to be quite the storyteller. The setting, the dialogue, and the suspense all contribute to what continues to be a hard-to-put-down novel. I want to keep reading!! Can't wait for the next chapter.
Hugs,
Connie
Comment Written 27-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
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Hello, my dear friend. Thank you for taking time out from your busy schedule to read my chapter. So glad you found it fun to read. Such faithful support is what keeps me writing. Hugs back! Bev
Comment from Dawn Munro
Oh my friend, how I love this spooky stuff (LOL) - and you do it so well! I have a question for you, though, and I don't know if it will be of any help, but I know it will help me in my story - I so enjoyed where you had put the priest's thought in italics, I am wondering why you didn't do the same for his thought - "Could the wounds caused by one man's..." ?
This is another wonderful chapter, my friend, and other than the question I've asked (because I really don't know) I have not one thing to suggest - it's riveting reading, Bev! Wonderful entertainment.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
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Oh my friend, how I love this spooky stuff (LOL) - and you do it so well! I have a question for you, though, and I don't know if it will be of any help, but I know it will help me in my story - I so enjoyed where you had put the priest's thought in italics, I am wondering why you didn't do the same for his thought - "Could the wounds caused by one man's..." ?
This is another wonderful chapter, my friend, and other than the question I've asked (because I really don't know) I have not one thing to suggest - it's riveting reading, Bev! Wonderful entertainment.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
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Hi Dawn. You have raised a very good question. Every time I use quotations that way, the issue is raised about how awkward it is. I think I'm just going to stop using that method, at least in this novel format. Changed it to something a little more familiar.
Thanks for being such a faithful and generous friend. I really appreciate you!
Hugs, Bev
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And I you, Bev, very much so! Let me know how you deal with it, would you? If I have any ideas, I'll let you know too. I was thinking that I might try using italics anyway, just not for "she thought" or "he thought" - my book has so much of it though! I'm going to be editing until next year! LOL
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I got a review from suneagle after yours. Since she's a Level 1 Pro, I think I'll take her advice LOL. Glad to be of service, madame! Xx Bev
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Okay - I'll be waiting. Actually, Margaret and Phyllis would probably be glad to help too. 5 heads are better than 1 - hahahaha!
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The more the merrier LOL! :0)
Comment from judiverse
This is very dramatic. Mrs. Findley is an interesting character, and her claim that that thing attacked her is believable. She also says it is responsible for Debra's death. I like that you brought the dog in. It can sense the supernatural, too. Enjoyed Mrs. Findley's moment that after her experience she'd believe it if Father Brian told her Martians were living in the attic. She also believed it was Debra's spirit in the closet that saved her. Father Brian wisely advises her to tell everything to the police. judi
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
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This is very dramatic. Mrs. Findley is an interesting character, and her claim that that thing attacked her is believable. She also says it is responsible for Debra's death. I like that you brought the dog in. It can sense the supernatural, too. Enjoyed Mrs. Findley's moment that after her experience she'd believe it if Father Brian told her Martians were living in the attic. She also believed it was Debra's spirit in the closet that saved her. Father Brian wisely advises her to tell everything to the police. judi
Comment Written 27-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
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Hi, judi. Thank you for your very thorough review. It's always so helpful to know how writers I respect view the chapters. I like Caroline too! Much appreciate it, my friend. Hugs, Bev
Comment from EMB
I'm not familiar with this, but the predicament of the housekeeper grabbed and held my attention. Martians in the attic, huh? Okay, so her character is funny as well. :) I chuckled about the "not broken anything useful." This was an engaging chapter.
Nice work.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
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I'm not familiar with this, but the predicament of the housekeeper grabbed and held my attention. Martians in the attic, huh? Okay, so her character is funny as well. :) I chuckled about the "not broken anything useful." This was an engaging chapter.
Nice work.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
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Hi, Edward. I really appreciate your kind and generous review. Thank you so much for taking time out to read! Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from Shirley McLain
A very suspensful chapter that kept me reading to the last word. Not that I wouldn't have anyway :) I'm anxious to read what happens next. Great job.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
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A very suspensful chapter that kept me reading to the last word. Not that I wouldn't have anyway :) I'm anxious to read what happens next. Great job.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
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Hiya, Shirley. Thank you for reading this lastest chapter. I really appreciate your support and very encouraging review! Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from tjames
Your writing is very good. It left me wanting to read more. I am going back to read the other chapters. Your use of grammar is very good also.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
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Your writing is very good. It left me wanting to read more. I am going back to read the other chapters. Your use of grammar is very good also.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
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Thank you so much, tjames. I am thrilled you enjoyed reading this latest chapter. Thank you for taking the time to do so, and for your very generous review! Kind regards, Bev
Comment from Gungalo
Oh boy, Mrs. Findley knows more than he thought shoe did. It's amazing that Debra Paget's ghost is protecting her. Sigh. This is getting very touchy.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
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Oh boy, Mrs. Findley knows more than he thought shoe did. It's amazing that Debra Paget's ghost is protecting her. Sigh. This is getting very touchy.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
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Thank you, Gungalo. I sure appreciate your generous review and the time you took to read. Warmest regards, Bev
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Awesome Bev.
Comment from AprilShower
This is a very interesting and exciting story, Bev. It kept my attention all the way through. I enjoy reading it. I noticed only one typing error. It's below in ( ):
"You look to(be) half dead yourself."
Hugs,
April
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
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This is a very interesting and exciting story, Bev. It kept my attention all the way through. I enjoy reading it. I noticed only one typing error. It's below in ( ):
"You look to(be) half dead yourself."
Hugs,
April
Comment Written 27-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
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Hi, April. I'm glad you enjoyed reading my chapter. Thank you for catching the spaggie and for your generous review, my friend.
Hugs, Bev
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You're welcome, Bev. :o)