A Serendipitous Meeting
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 " Serendipitous Meeting Chapter 1"Traditional in a modern world..
34 total reviews
Comment from lancellot
Don't misunderstand me, but the formula for this is crystal clear. Are you sure you want to repeat the same things? It's only chapter one, why not break out and give your readers and fans a few surprises.
notes:
"Want me to go into Longhorn Creek and get Elizabeth and Lily?" asked Peter.
"Not necessary. After Missy's dentist's appointment, Aunt Beth stopped by her friend, Christina for a visit. When she heard about the storm, she decided to spend the night. Those two are having a great time."
Peter chuckled. "I'm sure Lily's being spoilt rotten." He teased, "Who do you think they'll try to fix you up with this time?"
- Suggest rethinking this section. They just heard what they think is a car accident. Why would they engage in this banter?
They neared the black BMW, and Tyler said, "The airbags inflated. Maybe that's a good sign. Let's pray the driver only has minor injuries."
Tyler walked to the driver's side door and peaked inside. "I'm here to help. It'll just be a little longer." He called to his buddy, "Pete, there's a female inside. She doesn't look too bad." He attempted to open the door. "Get the crowbar from the toolbox. The door won't budge."
- Even Texas, people's first response would be to pull out a cell phone and dial 9-1-1. Not get a crowbar, especially not a doctor.
Tyler wrapped it around Rebeka. "Pete, before we leave, I'll take you back to the barn. Get the tractor and pull the car inside the fence."
- No. no, they wouldn't do this. It's an accident scene. They would call the cops.
Barbara, I'm not trying to tell you how to write your romance novels or set your scene or story. But, these sequences of "random" events, may be stretching things. We already know, that even though she is pregnant, she will not get an abortion, she will not tell the father she is pregnant, she will engage in anything close to sexual relations with the doctor, they will fall in love in two months, the 'very handsome and eligible' doctor will be single (for some reason), the woman's ex-lover will be bad or abusive is some way, and the doctor will care for her like she's a child and save her repeatedly while asking and receiving nothing for himself. Then they'll wed and he will take care of her and the child... like a woman's fantasy knight. Oh, there will super nice friends and family who adore her, always ask to help her and worry about her, and then there will be a dog, and lots of walks or jogging.
Just saying, mixing things up may be beneficial.
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2025
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Don't misunderstand me, but the formula for this is crystal clear. Are you sure you want to repeat the same things? It's only chapter one, why not break out and give your readers and fans a few surprises.
notes:
"Want me to go into Longhorn Creek and get Elizabeth and Lily?" asked Peter.
"Not necessary. After Missy's dentist's appointment, Aunt Beth stopped by her friend, Christina for a visit. When she heard about the storm, she decided to spend the night. Those two are having a great time."
Peter chuckled. "I'm sure Lily's being spoilt rotten." He teased, "Who do you think they'll try to fix you up with this time?"
- Suggest rethinking this section. They just heard what they think is a car accident. Why would they engage in this banter?
They neared the black BMW, and Tyler said, "The airbags inflated. Maybe that's a good sign. Let's pray the driver only has minor injuries."
Tyler walked to the driver's side door and peaked inside. "I'm here to help. It'll just be a little longer." He called to his buddy, "Pete, there's a female inside. She doesn't look too bad." He attempted to open the door. "Get the crowbar from the toolbox. The door won't budge."
- Even Texas, people's first response would be to pull out a cell phone and dial 9-1-1. Not get a crowbar, especially not a doctor.
Tyler wrapped it around Rebeka. "Pete, before we leave, I'll take you back to the barn. Get the tractor and pull the car inside the fence."
- No. no, they wouldn't do this. It's an accident scene. They would call the cops.
Barbara, I'm not trying to tell you how to write your romance novels or set your scene or story. But, these sequences of "random" events, may be stretching things. We already know, that even though she is pregnant, she will not get an abortion, she will not tell the father she is pregnant, she will engage in anything close to sexual relations with the doctor, they will fall in love in two months, the 'very handsome and eligible' doctor will be single (for some reason), the woman's ex-lover will be bad or abusive is some way, and the doctor will care for her like she's a child and save her repeatedly while asking and receiving nothing for himself. Then they'll wed and he will take care of her and the child... like a woman's fantasy knight. Oh, there will super nice friends and family who adore her, always ask to help her and worry about her, and then there will be a dog, and lots of walks or jogging.
Just saying, mixing things up may be beneficial.
Comment Written 02-Feb-2025
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2025
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- Suggest rethinking this section. They just heard what they think is a car accident. Why would they engage in this banter? (Because they're men and Peter is worried about the two ladies away from home.)
- Even Texas, people's first response would be to pull out a cell phone and dial 9-1-1. Not get a crowbar, especially not a doctor. (The storm issue and being out in the country.)
No. no, they wouldn't do this. It's an accident scene. They would call the cops. (same and previous answer)
This story covers a period of around 8 months, hmmmm????
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Okay. It's 8 months so she can have the baby. I assume.
I do wish you luck.
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We'll see,
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
First sentence: convenience store, not convenient store (even though convenience stores can be convenient!)
Another love story in the making from the queen of love stories here at FanStory. But it will be wrapped up a little quicker this time, sounds like.
I look forward to reading more.
xo
Pam
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reply by the author on 02-Feb-2025
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First sentence: convenience store, not convenient store (even though convenience stores can be convenient!)
Another love story in the making from the queen of love stories here at FanStory. But it will be wrapped up a little quicker this time, sounds like.
I look forward to reading more.
xo
Pam
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Feb-2025
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2025
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I have made the correction. Thank you for the catch. I appreciate it.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Barbara,
I found an opening chapter at last to join! lol
It's a good introduction to the characters and a nice device for their meeting.
I made a few notes as I read through for your consideration or rejection as you see fit.
I'm not entirely sold on the extent of Rebeka talking to herself. Some of this may be better off as direct or indirect thought.
Rebeka's knuckles whitened as she gripped the steering wheel.- this may be a style thing but you can streamline sentences such as this by saying things such as Her knuckles whitened on the steering wheel. the as she gripped isn't needed and it's telling the reader what you've shown them as well.
At impact the airbags inflated, as they pressed against her.- this reads a little awkwardly. They wouldn't be pressing against her unless they'd inflated. It just feels a bit off.
Aunt Beth stopped by her friend, Christina for a visit.- should probably have a comma after Christina here.
Tyler walked to the driver's side door and peaked inside. - I think in this instance it would be peeked.
I worked at Baylor University Medical Center in Dallas and oversaw the trauma center, a Level 1. - does the level 1 need to be there? I get you want to give information to the reader but it feels like too much for the conversation.
All the best
G
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2025
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Hi Barbara,
I found an opening chapter at last to join! lol
It's a good introduction to the characters and a nice device for their meeting.
I made a few notes as I read through for your consideration or rejection as you see fit.
I'm not entirely sold on the extent of Rebeka talking to herself. Some of this may be better off as direct or indirect thought.
Rebeka's knuckles whitened as she gripped the steering wheel.- this may be a style thing but you can streamline sentences such as this by saying things such as Her knuckles whitened on the steering wheel. the as she gripped isn't needed and it's telling the reader what you've shown them as well.
At impact the airbags inflated, as they pressed against her.- this reads a little awkwardly. They wouldn't be pressing against her unless they'd inflated. It just feels a bit off.
Aunt Beth stopped by her friend, Christina for a visit.- should probably have a comma after Christina here.
Tyler walked to the driver's side door and peaked inside. - I think in this instance it would be peeked.
I worked at Baylor University Medical Center in Dallas and oversaw the trauma center, a Level 1. - does the level 1 need to be there? I get you want to give information to the reader but it feels like too much for the conversation.
All the best
G
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Feb-2025
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2025
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I truly appreciate the help, and I made the corrections. Thank you.
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
Lubbock? Is that where Buddy Holly was born? You certainly opened this new story with a bang Barbara and I enjoyed your tale here as your well chosen words are entertaining and I wish you luck with this one, love Dolly x x x
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2025
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Lubbock? Is that where Buddy Holly was born? You certainly opened this new story with a bang Barbara and I enjoyed your tale here as your well chosen words are entertaining and I wish you luck with this one, love Dolly x x x
Comment Written 02-Feb-2025
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2025
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Yes, it is where Buddy Holly was born. Thank you for the kind review.
