Play another Day
Another random act of violence:45 total reviews
Comment from Ritasher
Ha! What a great ending. Like always, Ric, it is delighting to read your creative descriptions and a movie-like story. So interesting to see just an episode of all the possible stuff that could have happened to this character before or might happen later. It doesn't matter why, or where, or from whom he's running - it still makes you want to wish him luck. Well done!
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2021
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Ha! What a great ending. Like always, Ric, it is delighting to read your creative descriptions and a movie-like story. So interesting to see just an episode of all the possible stuff that could have happened to this character before or might happen later. It doesn't matter why, or where, or from whom he's running - it still makes you want to wish him luck. Well done!
Comment Written 28-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2021
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Thank you so much, Rita, for your extra-special six-star review. You've made my week with your kind words and encouraging review. I appreciate you! And hope you are enjoying your summer vacation trip!
Comment from Ulla
Awe, Ric, it's great to see you posting and with a suspenseful tale as this. A lot is happening as Zach is trying to get away from his pursuers. It's well paced and the description and imagery is great. I liked it a lot. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2021
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Awe, Ric, it's great to see you posting and with a suspenseful tale as this. A lot is happening as Zach is trying to get away from his pursuers. It's well paced and the description and imagery is great. I liked it a lot. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 28-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2021
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Thank you so much, Ulla, for taking time to read my story. I appreciate your kind words and generous review. These fast paced over-the-top farces are how I entertain myself. LOL. Thanks, again.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Ric,
Great use of the senses employed in that opening paragraph.
Rats squeaked as they scurried, foraging for scraps as they rustled through trash against the buildings' bases.- be careful with the usages of 'as'. if you have to use two or more in a sentence, it can be an indicator there's too much going on at the one time.
Two shots rang out. Immediately following a high-pitched scream. - I think following should really be followed by otherwise it's quite fragmented. It's also not really a sentence in it own right.
A deep duo of guttural laughs echoed and attenuated - I don't think you need attenuated here as most folk know how echoes fade. It's an unnecessary extra descriptor.
He peeked left and right around the brick walls' edges.
- I think it should be wall's here as he'd only be looking around one at a time rather than multiple walls at once.
He stayed low, his vision scanning all directions. - you could omit 'his vision' here.
So, he stepped upon the slippery-steel track and tiptoed, one foot after the other, resembling a circus performer's high-wire act as he bobbed, swayed, and swung his arms for balance. / The boulder-sized gravel gnawed with every step,- in the first instance he's walking on the rails but then he's on the gravel in the next. There's no transition. It just struck me as little time had passed.
Zack had grabbed the lighter in passing and lit the double-broilers' grease. - ideally this fact should be mentioned earlier when they were spotted. It would be a bit odd to try to pocket this when he was fleeing for his life, though.
Lots of good description throughout and well-paced.
G
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2021
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Hi Ric,
Great use of the senses employed in that opening paragraph.
Rats squeaked as they scurried, foraging for scraps as they rustled through trash against the buildings' bases.- be careful with the usages of 'as'. if you have to use two or more in a sentence, it can be an indicator there's too much going on at the one time.
Two shots rang out. Immediately following a high-pitched scream. - I think following should really be followed by otherwise it's quite fragmented. It's also not really a sentence in it own right.
A deep duo of guttural laughs echoed and attenuated - I don't think you need attenuated here as most folk know how echoes fade. It's an unnecessary extra descriptor.
He peeked left and right around the brick walls' edges.
- I think it should be wall's here as he'd only be looking around one at a time rather than multiple walls at once.
He stayed low, his vision scanning all directions. - you could omit 'his vision' here.
So, he stepped upon the slippery-steel track and tiptoed, one foot after the other, resembling a circus performer's high-wire act as he bobbed, swayed, and swung his arms for balance. / The boulder-sized gravel gnawed with every step,- in the first instance he's walking on the rails but then he's on the gravel in the next. There's no transition. It just struck me as little time had passed.
Zack had grabbed the lighter in passing and lit the double-broilers' grease. - ideally this fact should be mentioned earlier when they were spotted. It would be a bit odd to try to pocket this when he was fleeing for his life, though.
Lots of good description throughout and well-paced.
G
Comment Written 28-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2021
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Thank you so much, G, for your kind words, comments and suggestions, and generous review. All the help I can get is greatly appreciated!
Comment from Jay Squires
You are an excellent adventure writer, Ric. This one kept me trying to second-guess his pursuers right along with Zack, and at the end I was nearly as winded as he. You have a good sense of pace. Your timing is good. I found your description of the corpse and the killing of the dog to be disturbingly accurate.
Exhibiting the grace of a wobbling ballerina in leg braces, [A great image!]
Good job all the way through!
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2021
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You are an excellent adventure writer, Ric. This one kept me trying to second-guess his pursuers right along with Zack, and at the end I was nearly as winded as he. You have a good sense of pace. Your timing is good. I found your description of the corpse and the killing of the dog to be disturbingly accurate.
Exhibiting the grace of a wobbling ballerina in leg braces, [A great image!]
Good job all the way through!
Comment Written 27-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2021
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Thank you so much, Jay, for the extra-special six-star review. Your kind words and generous review are so encouraging coming from one of my all-time FanStory writers. It's reviews like yours that keep an old hack like me plugging along and trying to get better. I appreciate YOU!
Comment from lancellot
This section of a story is very written, has the elements of a thriller, danger and a good chase. I think what may overshadow it, is the mystery is too large. The reader is missing too much information, so they are constantly asking, why, what, who and so on.
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2021
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This section of a story is very written, has the elements of a thriller, danger and a good chase. I think what may overshadow it, is the mystery is too large. The reader is missing too much information, so they are constantly asking, why, what, who and so on.
Comment Written 27-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2021
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Thanks, Lancellot, for taking time to review and offer your comments and suggestions. They are greatly appreciated. Yes, I left out why they were after Zack on purpose. He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Another series of random acts of violence, which have become rampant in our messed up society. People filled with so much hatred, they kill just to be killing, or because of different views, religions, color, or nationalities. Appreciate your review!
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In that case, I think you need to remove the story part:
?He?s here, Hassim?s Grocery, corner of Spicer Street and Deadpan alley.?
The store clerk's actions does not fit with a random act of violence, quite the opposite.
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You're absolutely right. But, just knowing of robbery groups around the country that steal tractor trailer loads of about everything, even buy up discount baby formula and resell it in their own stores, they could have easily given the clerk a description and told him to lookout. I might add a line or two explaining the group. Your time and suggestions are greatly appreciated. Not all readers like to assume the possibilities. Thanks!
Comment from karenina
Amazing. It's been a minute between postings! So glad to see this gritty, gripping, display of your writing skills on display. You have that rare ability to carve every fine line of each scene...by doing so, you lure the reader in, enticed by the urgency of the piece and (speaking for myself)-- breathless by the end!
As often happens when I read your stories, it's the second time through--pausing to read your descriptive passages told in your unwavering tension packed tone--that I stop and feast on the "turn of the phrase."
Six stars, of course... Of course! Sadly, it seems random acts of violence occur more and more often. I saw Nick as one more hapless victim doing his best to dodge the bullets (literally.) Love the ending!
Against all odds, he did live! Reason aplenty for him to have an adrenalin rush of "victory!"
Karenina
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2021
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Amazing. It's been a minute between postings! So glad to see this gritty, gripping, display of your writing skills on display. You have that rare ability to carve every fine line of each scene...by doing so, you lure the reader in, enticed by the urgency of the piece and (speaking for myself)-- breathless by the end!
As often happens when I read your stories, it's the second time through--pausing to read your descriptive passages told in your unwavering tension packed tone--that I stop and feast on the "turn of the phrase."
Six stars, of course... Of course! Sadly, it seems random acts of violence occur more and more often. I saw Nick as one more hapless victim doing his best to dodge the bullets (literally.) Love the ending!
Against all odds, he did live! Reason aplenty for him to have an adrenalin rush of "victory!"
Karenina
Comment Written 27-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2021
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Thank you so much, Karenina, for your extra-special six-star review. I'm glad that you picked up on the fact that this story is about more random acts of violence, without any real purpose or reason. A few others haven't seemed to understand that and would rather have everything spelled out for them. But thankfully, those whose opinions I care about most, like you, get it. It's kind words and encouraging reviews like yours that keep an old hack like me plugging along trying to hone my skills. I appreciate YOU!
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The feeling, kind sir, is mutual!
Keep doing what you do...
Karenina
Comment from Wendy G
Well written and yes, plenty of violence! A couple of points of punctuation: "Immediately following - a high-pitched scream." Or else just say "Followed immediately by a high-pitched scream."
"He stood, a bit wobbly at first ..." (needs a comma). Just very little things.
On the whole, very strong writing, and a story that one MUST keep reading. Well done.
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2021
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Well written and yes, plenty of violence! A couple of points of punctuation: "Immediately following - a high-pitched scream." Or else just say "Followed immediately by a high-pitched scream."
"He stood, a bit wobbly at first ..." (needs a comma). Just very little things.
On the whole, very strong writing, and a story that one MUST keep reading. Well done.
Comment Written 27-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2021
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Thank you so much, Wendy G, for taking time out of your busy day to review and offer your comments and suggestions, which are greatly appreciated. I always make plenty of mistakes as I write fast and hate to edit and polish. Making me appreciate even more those of you who do it for me. LOL. Thanks, again.
Comment from justafan
6... so woefully inadequate!! Brilliant writing my friend!
I could almost feel the last breath leave the poor pooch.
Heart pounding, you had me on the edge of my couch.
In case you haven't guessed it... I'm a really big fan of yours :)
Now, I need my heart rate to return to normal ð???
Always
Justafan of yours
Missy
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2021
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6... so woefully inadequate!! Brilliant writing my friend!
I could almost feel the last breath leave the poor pooch.
Heart pounding, you had me on the edge of my couch.
In case you haven't guessed it... I'm a really big fan of yours :)
Now, I need my heart rate to return to normal ð???
Always
Justafan of yours
Missy
Comment Written 27-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2021
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Thank you so much, Missy, for your extra-special six-star review. It's kind and encouraging words like yours that keep an old hack like me plugging along. I'm so happy that you enjoyed it. And coming from someone who has a special way with words that can touch my heart and cause a few twinges in places I have almost forgotten exist makes your review all the more special. LOL. You've made my week!
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Now, I?m smilin 💕
Comment from Raffaelina Lowcock
Zack was in the throes of desperation. With killers after him, he needed every ounce of wisdom to keep himself safe. His actions to keep from being discovered were stillness and silence.
"Then came an eerie, unnervs, it begining silence.
Time-honored in segments with an instant and reaches to eternity. Stuck in a trance-like panic and scared to move, those segments can seem to last, disproportionately, forever."
This tells it nicely...
As your well-done descriptive narrative moves us along
to the end, where he outwits them and is free to 'Play Another Day.'
Enjoyed the read.
Ralf
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2021
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Zack was in the throes of desperation. With killers after him, he needed every ounce of wisdom to keep himself safe. His actions to keep from being discovered were stillness and silence.
"Then came an eerie, unnervs, it begining silence.
Time-honored in segments with an instant and reaches to eternity. Stuck in a trance-like panic and scared to move, those segments can seem to last, disproportionately, forever."
This tells it nicely...
As your well-done descriptive narrative moves us along
to the end, where he outwits them and is free to 'Play Another Day.'
Enjoyed the read.
Ralf
Comment Written 27-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2021
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Thank you so much, Ralf, for your extra-special six-star review. It's reviews like yours that keep an old hack plugging along and trying to get better. Your kind and encouraging words mean a lot coming from someone who I read and enjoy daily. I appreciate YOU!
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Thanks for those words, Ric.
Comment from Robert Zimmerman
Hey Ric.
What an outstanding piece of showing, not telling. This is a piece of high energy octane. Your descriptive narrative is outstanding. A reader with any visual skill at all can see this thing playing out in graphic images.
Like Zach, I'm not sure why the bad guys were after him, but that doesn't matter. the objective in short fiction is to tell an interesting, exciting story that allows the reader to sit back and say, "I'm glad I read that." the story is filled with tension from the first paragraph to the last sentence. You had a line in there that really intrigued me. " it begins with an instant and reaches to eternity." that's a memorable one.
great job on writing a 100 octane story. I wanted to wave to Zach as he left, but he left too fast. BTW: "I'm glad I read that."
Robert
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2021
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Hey Ric.
What an outstanding piece of showing, not telling. This is a piece of high energy octane. Your descriptive narrative is outstanding. A reader with any visual skill at all can see this thing playing out in graphic images.
Like Zach, I'm not sure why the bad guys were after him, but that doesn't matter. the objective in short fiction is to tell an interesting, exciting story that allows the reader to sit back and say, "I'm glad I read that." the story is filled with tension from the first paragraph to the last sentence. You had a line in there that really intrigued me. " it begins with an instant and reaches to eternity." that's a memorable one.
great job on writing a 100 octane story. I wanted to wave to Zach as he left, but he left too fast. BTW: "I'm glad I read that."
Robert
Comment Written 27-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2021
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Thank you so much, Robert, for your extra-special six-star review. And most of all for understanding there really is no why or what for to this story. It's just another random act of violence against someone who just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Senseless and ridiculous as it sounds, it's become normal in a world obsessed with hatred without true reason. The most encouraging and motivation reviews come from those like you who I read and enjoy everyday. I can't thank you enough for your encouraging review. You've made my week. I appreciate YOU!
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Hey Ric.
You are very welcome. This is an outstanding piece that unfortunately reflects life in our country today. This happens all over our country. 74 people were shot in Chicago over the weekend.
You did a great job telling the story in specifics and details. That is essential to short fiction. It has become far too easy in our culture to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
?I?m glad I read it.?
Robert