One man's journey to get clean
Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "Reality Strikes"Getting clean from meth isn't easy
38 total reviews
Comment from Ulla
Hi Patty, I'm torn whether to give you a four or a five. The good job here is the description of the mental illness. You handle that very well. But you need to decide whether you want to write this story in present tense or past sense. You jump from one to the other all the time. It's really confusing and takes a lot away from an otherwise very good write. All the best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2017
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Hi Patty, I'm torn whether to give you a four or a five. The good job here is the description of the mental illness. You handle that very well. But you need to decide whether you want to write this story in present tense or past sense. You jump from one to the other all the time. It's really confusing and takes a lot away from an otherwise very good write. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 02-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2017
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Hi Ulla; thank you for stopping by to read and review. I am having such a problem with tense in this story. I think I need to write in past tense, as that is where my comfort lies. Whenever I try to write in present tense...well, you see what happens. I appreciate your stars and your continuing support,
~patty~
Comment from nancy_e_davis
That is true. There, but for the grace of God go I. It would be good for all of us to remember those words and to look upon those less fortunate with kindness and understanding. Gary saw a bit of himself in Gary's actions and is going to try to help himself now. Good deal. Nancy
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2017
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That is true. There, but for the grace of God go I. It would be good for all of us to remember those words and to look upon those less fortunate with kindness and understanding. Gary saw a bit of himself in Gary's actions and is going to try to help himself now. Good deal. Nancy
Comment Written 02-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2017
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Hi Nancy; thank you so much for stopping by to read and review. I appreciate your time, support, and kind words,
~patty~
Comment from emptypage
Ah... my uncle beat up my grandmother, my grandfather, and his niece (me).
Very true to life, as the others, Patty. Chad...that dual diagnosis: addiction and mental illness. That's a hard, hard thing to fix.
I feel for both guys here. A lot. I love the ingenious way Gary addressed his journal. Very creative. Your characters are definitely well-drawn.
And for what is to come.
Blessings. Such as they are, in a world where I'm unsure of what I believe in.
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2017
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Ah... my uncle beat up my grandmother, my grandfather, and his niece (me).
Very true to life, as the others, Patty. Chad...that dual diagnosis: addiction and mental illness. That's a hard, hard thing to fix.
I feel for both guys here. A lot. I love the ingenious way Gary addressed his journal. Very creative. Your characters are definitely well-drawn.
And for what is to come.
Blessings. Such as they are, in a world where I'm unsure of what I believe in.
Comment Written 02-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2017
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate your comments and encouragement.
~patty~
Comment from Teri7
This is the first time I remember reading about Gary. You told this so well. I felt as if I was right there in the middle of it with your great wording and the dialogue. Great job! Blessings, Teri
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2017
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This is the first time I remember reading about Gary. You told this so well. I felt as if I was right there in the middle of it with your great wording and the dialogue. Great job! Blessings, Teri
Comment Written 02-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2017
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate your comments and encouragement.
~patty~
Comment from KarenF
Very interesting and sad realization of the mental illness that plagues many people today.
It seems that Gary is still in denial, but after seeing Chad's outburst, he realizes he has to put his feelings down so he can see his changes and how they might be in line with the others in the group. He doesn't see himself as being like "them", but that is part of his denial.
This is a very realistic story, I haven't read this from the beginning, so I'm not sure if it is a true story or a great work of fiction, but it is good.
Good flow and character presentation. Something I would like to read in its entirety.
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2017
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Very interesting and sad realization of the mental illness that plagues many people today.
It seems that Gary is still in denial, but after seeing Chad's outburst, he realizes he has to put his feelings down so he can see his changes and how they might be in line with the others in the group. He doesn't see himself as being like "them", but that is part of his denial.
This is a very realistic story, I haven't read this from the beginning, so I'm not sure if it is a true story or a great work of fiction, but it is good.
Good flow and character presentation. Something I would like to read in its entirety.
Comment Written 02-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2017
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Hi Karen; thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate your comments and encouragement. This is a work of fiction. Its based on my hopes and dreams about my son. He is an addict that needs help, but hasn't yet come to that conclusion. So, I've written what I would like to see happen,
~patty~
Comment from Thomas Bowling
A very accurate description of the problem a lot of addicts have.
"No. In all honesty, I don't think I'm anything like those guys.
They see the problem in others, but don't think tey are like them.
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2017
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A very accurate description of the problem a lot of addicts have.
"No. In all honesty, I don't think I'm anything like those guys.
They see the problem in others, but don't think tey are like them.
Comment Written 02-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2017
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate your comments and encouragement.
~patty~
Comment from doggymad
Very interesting chapter Patty. I am seeing a young man looking for a quick fix and one that he will be a bystander throughout.
However the incident with Chad might just be pricking his conscience, I sure hope so
Looking forward to last chapter
hugs
Freda
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2017
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Very interesting chapter Patty. I am seeing a young man looking for a quick fix and one that he will be a bystander throughout.
However the incident with Chad might just be pricking his conscience, I sure hope so
Looking forward to last chapter
hugs
Freda
Comment Written 02-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2017
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Hi Freda; Thank you for coming along on the Gary's ride. The last chapter should be up within a week,
~patty~
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Good to see Gary having something of a breakthrough and a relatable experience. The sessions feel weighty and real too.
you're describing is domestic violence. " - delete the space before the closing speech marks.
Bi polar - bipolar is just one word.
you are in a mental ward - I don't know but would they really say mental ward? rather than something like psychiatric?
You mix up your tenses in this chapter - Gary stared blankly at Roger / With a sigh, Roger continued / Leaving Roger's office, he feels his stomach rumbling / The aroma from the kitchen is tantalizing. He sticks his notebook back in his pocket. There are more of them scattered throughout.These are subtle slips but you need to watch for them and be consistent.
ITS BAD ENOUGH - IT'S.
Some of your speech tags are past tense and some present.
All the best
GMG
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2017
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Hi there,
Good to see Gary having something of a breakthrough and a relatable experience. The sessions feel weighty and real too.
you're describing is domestic violence. " - delete the space before the closing speech marks.
Bi polar - bipolar is just one word.
you are in a mental ward - I don't know but would they really say mental ward? rather than something like psychiatric?
You mix up your tenses in this chapter - Gary stared blankly at Roger / With a sigh, Roger continued / Leaving Roger's office, he feels his stomach rumbling / The aroma from the kitchen is tantalizing. He sticks his notebook back in his pocket. There are more of them scattered throughout.These are subtle slips but you need to watch for them and be consistent.
ITS BAD ENOUGH - IT'S.
Some of your speech tags are past tense and some present.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2017
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Hi; thank you so much for your thoughtful and concise review. I made notes from your comments and suggestions for edits, and I will address them this morning. I appreciate yours and any help I get with this project,
~patty~
Comment from kathleenspalding
Well written chapter kept my interest from start to finish. I will keep an eye out for the next chapter, as it seems like he is still in denial and he would have a lot of growing up to do in only one chapter, LOL, so I'll be interested to see what happens!
picky bits -
Bi polar - Bipolar is one word
A pencil would be a heck of a weapon, too - sharper than a pen.
...Gary sees (delete that) two...
...motion, the nurses (rushed instead of rush)... this is a difficult sentence pronoun-confusion-wise. Not a big deal, but you could end the sentence at ...towards Chad. Then add another sentence about Chad's punch? (Could throw some physical description of Chad here)
...did little (delete 'in the way'?)
Dang! Do they really give people shots in the neck? I thought that was just TV! And would he be doing any damage in those few seconds? Stagger around? Yell? Unless you know for sure, maybe talk to someone who works in a mental hospital?
Maybe throughout the Chad scene, add a little physical description of Chad (his large bulk threatening...or his skinny body taught as an overstrung violin, face turning beet red - something along those lines) and more of Gary's visceral reactions. Is his level of concern more or less than what the average reader would feel, and how? Do more old memories surface, or more about the one of his mother losing it? Does fight or flight kick in - how does he feel - ready to fight? weak in the knees? Does Gary wonder if this is what he's like sometimes? It would only take a few sentences to add more intensity to the scene, or you could sink your teeth into it & add several sentences or a paragraph - up to you.
...buzzing could be heard - maybe something a bit more active? (An underlying buzz cut through through the room, rising as everyone talked at once...something like that.)
...decibel level (rose instead of rises)
I am seeing a verb tense shift from past to present tense starting with the above sentence. Need to settle on one verb tense for the whole chapter/book.
There are places where verbs could be contracted for flow & variety.
That's it. Good chapter!
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2017
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Well written chapter kept my interest from start to finish. I will keep an eye out for the next chapter, as it seems like he is still in denial and he would have a lot of growing up to do in only one chapter, LOL, so I'll be interested to see what happens!
picky bits -
Bi polar - Bipolar is one word
A pencil would be a heck of a weapon, too - sharper than a pen.
...Gary sees (delete that) two...
...motion, the nurses (rushed instead of rush)... this is a difficult sentence pronoun-confusion-wise. Not a big deal, but you could end the sentence at ...towards Chad. Then add another sentence about Chad's punch? (Could throw some physical description of Chad here)
...did little (delete 'in the way'?)
Dang! Do they really give people shots in the neck? I thought that was just TV! And would he be doing any damage in those few seconds? Stagger around? Yell? Unless you know for sure, maybe talk to someone who works in a mental hospital?
Maybe throughout the Chad scene, add a little physical description of Chad (his large bulk threatening...or his skinny body taught as an overstrung violin, face turning beet red - something along those lines) and more of Gary's visceral reactions. Is his level of concern more or less than what the average reader would feel, and how? Do more old memories surface, or more about the one of his mother losing it? Does fight or flight kick in - how does he feel - ready to fight? weak in the knees? Does Gary wonder if this is what he's like sometimes? It would only take a few sentences to add more intensity to the scene, or you could sink your teeth into it & add several sentences or a paragraph - up to you.
...buzzing could be heard - maybe something a bit more active? (An underlying buzz cut through through the room, rising as everyone talked at once...something like that.)
...decibel level (rose instead of rises)
I am seeing a verb tense shift from past to present tense starting with the above sentence. Need to settle on one verb tense for the whole chapter/book.
There are places where verbs could be contracted for flow & variety.
That's it. Good chapter!
Comment Written 02-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2017
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Hi; thank you so much for your thoughtful and concise review. I made notes from your comments and suggestions for edits, and I will address them this morning. I appreciate yours and any help I get with this project,
~patty~
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You're welcome :-)
Comment from Sis Cat
This is a great chapter and journey that reminded me of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. I was moved by Gary's inability to face his own mental illness or empathize with his fellows in the psych ward. As his psychiatrist says:
"It's time for you to face some things. Your behavior is a combination of self-medication with drugs and alcohol, and your unwillingness to look at the truth. Have you shared any of your problems with the group?
"Maybe you will see that you're not so different. You need to stop thinking you're better than the rest of the guys."
This incident in the dining room with one of his guys, Chad, shook him:
"Realizing that Chad is 'one of his own,' Gary reflects on his own past manic behaviors. Looking at the blank page in front of him, he grabs his pencil."
You write with gripping prose and dialogue that allowed me to see and feel your story. Thank you for sharing this as you quickly bring Gary's journey to a close.
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2017
 |
This is a great chapter and journey that reminded me of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. I was moved by Gary's inability to face his own mental illness or empathize with his fellows in the psych ward. As his psychiatrist says:
"It's time for you to face some things. Your behavior is a combination of self-medication with drugs and alcohol, and your unwillingness to look at the truth. Have you shared any of your problems with the group?
"Maybe you will see that you're not so different. You need to stop thinking you're better than the rest of the guys."
This incident in the dining room with one of his guys, Chad, shook him:
"Realizing that Chad is 'one of his own,' Gary reflects on his own past manic behaviors. Looking at the blank page in front of him, he grabs his pencil."
You write with gripping prose and dialogue that allowed me to see and feel your story. Thank you for sharing this as you quickly bring Gary's journey to a close.
Comment Written 02-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2017
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Thank you so much for stopping by to read and review. I appreciate your comments and kind words. Your review goes a long way to make me proud of this work,
~patty~