Boxcar: Part 2
Based on oral histories.36 total reviews
Comment from Word Junkie
Hello Sis Cat,
This is a solid conclusion to your harrowing tale. The writing is virtually SPAG-free. I think you could have done more with the ending, as "(Insert protagonist's name) awoke screaming," is a rather common conclusion to many if not most nightmare sequences found in prose. It's fine to take the reader to this juncture, but I think you should go on from there.
Remember: This is one opinion. Take or shake.
Ciao,
Lana
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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Hello Sis Cat,
This is a solid conclusion to your harrowing tale. The writing is virtually SPAG-free. I think you could have done more with the ending, as "(Insert protagonist's name) awoke screaming," is a rather common conclusion to many if not most nightmare sequences found in prose. It's fine to take the reader to this juncture, but I think you should go on from there.
Remember: This is one opinion. Take or shake.
Ciao,
Lana
Comment Written 17-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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Thank you, Lana, for your review and suggestions to my "harrowing tale."
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Yes, Lana, I will take another look at the ending because it "is a rather common conclusion." I will think about how I can push it further and more originally. Thank you for your suggestion.
Comment from candyfink
I feel the same about part two as I did about part one. You are a very talented writer that can tell a story. Thank you for using bold face font. It is easier to read..
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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I feel the same about part two as I did about part one. You are a very talented writer that can tell a story. Thank you for using bold face font. It is easier to read..
Comment Written 17-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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Thank you again, candybarr, for reviewing both parts of my story. I am glad that you found me to be "a very talented writer that can tell a story."
Comment from Jay Squires
This, Andre, is every bit as good as the first chapter--perhaps is better. I have so much trouble keeping sixes past Monday I can't give you two 6's in the same day. Just know you've accomplished what I've seen very few writers here can attain. Twice! If one of these two doesn't get nominated for the story of the month, I'll help you look for the Masons.
"Yes, they burned their whole little white schoolhouse down [This entire paragraph was written so powerfully. I wanted to mention it without pasting the entirety.]
"No, a group of Freemasons arrived. [ You caught me on that one. I had to go back and check, muttering all the while, "No, Andre, you said they tied him up and burned the boxcar up." But you were right. I just inferred wrongly.]
It's we, and no other people, who hold the key to our own history and destiny." [Was Mama Jennie well educated? This sentence tends to indicate this. I'm not saying you should use the popularized version of the colloquial speech patterns the blacks used, but you don't find many college graduates who use, "It's WE ..."
The ghost-eyed sheets drifted from their moorings and followed him like stingrays. [WHOA! That's some image!]
Freddie awoke screaming. [This is some excruciatingly effective writing. Your dream scene will resonate long after I finish this.
By the way, little Freddie's story here, adds well to your legacy for him in your previous series.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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This, Andre, is every bit as good as the first chapter--perhaps is better. I have so much trouble keeping sixes past Monday I can't give you two 6's in the same day. Just know you've accomplished what I've seen very few writers here can attain. Twice! If one of these two doesn't get nominated for the story of the month, I'll help you look for the Masons.
"Yes, they burned their whole little white schoolhouse down [This entire paragraph was written so powerfully. I wanted to mention it without pasting the entirety.]
"No, a group of Freemasons arrived. [ You caught me on that one. I had to go back and check, muttering all the while, "No, Andre, you said they tied him up and burned the boxcar up." But you were right. I just inferred wrongly.]
It's we, and no other people, who hold the key to our own history and destiny." [Was Mama Jennie well educated? This sentence tends to indicate this. I'm not saying you should use the popularized version of the colloquial speech patterns the blacks used, but you don't find many college graduates who use, "It's WE ..."
The ghost-eyed sheets drifted from their moorings and followed him like stingrays. [WHOA! That's some image!]
Freddie awoke screaming. [This is some excruciatingly effective writing. Your dream scene will resonate long after I finish this.
By the way, little Freddie's story here, adds well to your legacy for him in your previous series.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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Yes, Jay, I love that stingray line. the imagery terrifies me. I kept waking up every morning thinking about those White Caps and that boxcar. I put my terror into the dream scene.
I simplified the "It's we." It now reads "We, and no other people, hold the key to our own history and destiny." Thanks for that.
I am glad this story provides background to Fred in 'Poetry and Poetry" to which I will be returning after the Bay Area Storytelling Festival.
Yes, I have wondered if this story will be nominated for Story of the Month. Come what may, I choose to focus on my next story.
Thank you for your generous, enthusiastic review. I deeply appreciate it.
Comment from foxangie123
Listen thus is down right awful and I'm embarrassed that any man would act in such a way. It puts fire in my blood. I'm from the south as I said a minute ago and Caucasion and I can tell you right now not a person agrees with that once done. My family was killed in the holocaust by that SOB Hitler. I hope, well. Anyways spread the peace and lead us to the future outside the ugliness of all of our pasts. Xo
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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Listen thus is down right awful and I'm embarrassed that any man would act in such a way. It puts fire in my blood. I'm from the south as I said a minute ago and Caucasion and I can tell you right now not a person agrees with that once done. My family was killed in the holocaust by that SOB Hitler. I hope, well. Anyways spread the peace and lead us to the future outside the ugliness of all of our pasts. Xo
Comment Written 17-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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Thank you, foxangie123, for your strong review of my story which "puts fire in my blood." When I was putting together the author's notes to my story, I was stunned that the incidents I recounted all happened in the North and West. Given that Mama Jennie told Freddie this story during World War II, I strove to convey a message that can apply to the world at that time and ours. Thank you for your review.
Comment from jlsavell
Dear Sis Cat, another potent and emotional work. You are truly a master at this as I have said before. Man's inhumanity to man is abhorrent as history nd even today dictates. Beautiful but tragic work dear friend.. Jimi
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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Dear Sis Cat, another potent and emotional work. You are truly a master at this as I have said before. Man's inhumanity to man is abhorrent as history nd even today dictates. Beautiful but tragic work dear friend.. Jimi
Comment Written 17-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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Yes, Jimi, I am stunned by "man's inhumanity to man" as evidenced in this story, and that history kept repeating itself. Thank you for your generous, six star review of my "beautiful but tragic work."
Comment from Ulla
What an amazing story, and what a talent you got to tell it. I've grown up in Europe but have travelled enough to the States over the last fifty years to recognise what is going on. What your ancestors had to endure. Now that I know that I'm half American I feel that I'm part of the history as well. Maybe a part not to be too proud about. All the best. Ulla:))
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2016
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What an amazing story, and what a talent you got to tell it. I've grown up in Europe but have travelled enough to the States over the last fifty years to recognise what is going on. What your ancestors had to endure. Now that I know that I'm half American I feel that I'm part of the history as well. Maybe a part not to be too proud about. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment Written 17-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2016
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Oh, thank you, Ulla, for your review. Yes, we are all a part of history. My ancestors endured a lot so that I could tell their stories today.
Comment from Mary Wakeford
This was a horrific time for our country and for the many victims of ignorance and prejudice. It is striking to me that throughout history, humanity seems to keep repeating the sins of the past, but with those deemed different in either heritage or religion, as is now being evidenced in the Middle East. When will we ever learn to celebrate our differences. Excellent writing.
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2016
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This was a horrific time for our country and for the many victims of ignorance and prejudice. It is striking to me that throughout history, humanity seems to keep repeating the sins of the past, but with those deemed different in either heritage or religion, as is now being evidenced in the Middle East. When will we ever learn to celebrate our differences. Excellent writing.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2016
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Yes, Mary, history repeating itself stunned me about this story. I compared Tom's death in the 1860's to the burning death of a black man atop a school house in 1932. I compared the stoning and drowning of a black swimmer in Chicago in 1919 with Freddie not being permitted to swim in the Mohave River in the 1940's. There are all of these connections and threads running through my story, and now we are seeing this horror in the Middle East. "When will we ever learn to celebrate our differences."
Thank you for your review.
Comment from teols2016
Nice bait-and-switch with the dream. I hope you have more works like this. Way to express the moral "those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it." Well done..
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2016
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Nice bait-and-switch with the dream. I hope you have more works like this. Way to express the moral "those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it." Well done..
Comment Written 17-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2016
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Thank you, I am glad you enjoyed my bait-an-switch with the dream. I look forward to sharing more work like this and better. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Superb ending to a great, well told, story. Glad I have a new batch of sixes. You told this very well. Blacks today complain about how bad they have it, and they have a point. But... they need to hear what their ancestors had to endure! Things ARE getting better, but changing people's attitudes is a slow process, requiring generations. Maybe in the next one things will level out? Or the one after that? I can only imagine the frustration at how long it's taking.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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Superb ending to a great, well told, story. Glad I have a new batch of sixes. You told this very well. Blacks today complain about how bad they have it, and they have a point. But... they need to hear what their ancestors had to endure! Things ARE getting better, but changing people's attitudes is a slow process, requiring generations. Maybe in the next one things will level out? Or the one after that? I can only imagine the frustration at how long it's taking.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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You are right, Phyllis, I keep thinking what my ancestors had to endure. If I was born in my father's generation, I would have been living in a boxcar by a river but not permitted to swim there. If I was born in my grandmother's generation, I would have fled the mobs during the Red Summer of 1919. I wonder if I have the strength to endure what they endured. "Things ARE getting better, but changing people's attitudes is a slow process, requiring generations."
Thank you for your generous, six star review.
Comment from nomi338
This story is so powerful. I like you, am a California resident. I have heard how the City of Compton was once closed to blacks and how the city eventually became predominantly black. Now Hispanics have moved in and are discriminating against the blacks trying to force them to move out. Have we as a species learned nothing? How long will we insist that a world created by Almighty God and filled with people that descended from two people, should belong to people that look a certain way, or speak a certain language only or at least above all other people? I believe in God and I believe that the day is coming when all the selfish racially exclusive people will regret their foolishness. Again I thank you for writing this important story.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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This story is so powerful. I like you, am a California resident. I have heard how the City of Compton was once closed to blacks and how the city eventually became predominantly black. Now Hispanics have moved in and are discriminating against the blacks trying to force them to move out. Have we as a species learned nothing? How long will we insist that a world created by Almighty God and filled with people that descended from two people, should belong to people that look a certain way, or speak a certain language only or at least above all other people? I believe in God and I believe that the day is coming when all the selfish racially exclusive people will regret their foolishness. Again I thank you for writing this important story.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2016
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nomi338, I am shocked but not shocked to hear about Compton. It seems that we as a species keep repeating ourselves and have not learned anything. Both my story and your review pose the question "How long?" Thank you for your generous, six star review of my important, powerful story. I deeply appreciate it.