Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 69 "Wotawe Moon, Part Two"Murder Mystery
39 total reviews
Comment from Dawn Munro
What a magnificent chapter. It's impossible not to 'connect' with your characters, especially (for me), Jana. She is truly a heroine, and the closing here is so fitting. A marvelous tale, my friend, and one book I will look forward to reading when it's published.
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2014
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What a magnificent chapter. It's impossible not to 'connect' with your characters, especially (for me), Jana. She is truly a heroine, and the closing here is so fitting. A marvelous tale, my friend, and one book I will look forward to reading when it's published.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2014
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Thank you so much, Dawn. You've been such a faithful supporter for me throughout this project. I appreciate your encouragement and cheerleading. I don't know that I would have finished were it not for such kindnesses.
Hugs, Bev
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi Writingfundimension,
Oh, yes, excellent chapter, but is the evil spirit finally gone, or simply driven back for the present? Fr Brian's NDE seems to have given him a renewal of his faith on the mega scale.
One correction for you -
There we lie the - there we LAY the blame.
Patrick
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2014
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Hi Writingfundimension,
Oh, yes, excellent chapter, but is the evil spirit finally gone, or simply driven back for the present? Fr Brian's NDE seems to have given him a renewal of his faith on the mega scale.
One correction for you -
There we lie the - there we LAY the blame.
Patrick
Comment Written 16-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2014
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Ah, Patrick, you're peeking into my brain again! Yes, we have that nasty demon out there somewhere and it's got an even bigger grudge against Father Brian.
Thanks for all your support and encouragement, Patrick. I'm sure you can appreciate the work ahead with the editing, but I'm going to take this as far as I can.
Comment from irishauthorme
Very good chapter. I liked the large amount of dialogue, which not only illustrated the action, but also showed your character's emotions and reactions. Also glad to see some events from the Sioux point of view. The shameful treatment of Native Americans by the US Government is a blot on the history of this country.
Good work!
irish
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2014
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Very good chapter. I liked the large amount of dialogue, which not only illustrated the action, but also showed your character's emotions and reactions. Also glad to see some events from the Sioux point of view. The shameful treatment of Native Americans by the US Government is a blot on the history of this country.
Good work!
irish
Comment Written 16-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2014
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Thank you so much, Irish. I sure do appreciate the encouragement and support you've offered with this review.
:) Bev
Comment from MM lives on :)
Hi Bev, I am traveling and LOVED this other chapter. I apologize I cannot divulge into this right now but will fully read later...you never cease to amaze.
BRAVO AND XXXOO :) Christopher.
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2014
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Hi Bev, I am traveling and LOVED this other chapter. I apologize I cannot divulge into this right now but will fully read later...you never cease to amaze.
BRAVO AND XXXOO :) Christopher.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2014
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Thank you so very much, Christopher. You've been a loyal champion of both my writing and this novel. I am so very much in your debt for all you've done to encourage me. Thank you, my friend.
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you my dear are the best pure writer on this site...you intrigue me with every sentence my dear and romance the reader with a plot that is endless :) xxxooo anytime Bev
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Oh my gosh, thank you so much, Christopher. Your words touch my heart deeply! How kind you are, my friend. xxxooo Bev
Comment from Adri7enne
"Jana LAID still, no longer struggling." LAY - past tense of 'TO LIE DOWN."
"...but he kept her pinned to the ground for her own safety." So, did the dynamite explode?
"There we LIE the blame." LAY ??? Lay, as in "to lay something down?"
Those are two tough verbs to master: To lie oneself down and to lay an object down.
You're coming to a satisfying conclusion, Bev. I loved Jana's ritual. I think the more you reveal her character as a native American, the more interesting and distinctive she becomes. I'm even learning some of the Sioux words, without having to look them up. Good job, Bev. Loved this chapter!
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2014
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"Jana LAID still, no longer struggling." LAY - past tense of 'TO LIE DOWN."
"...but he kept her pinned to the ground for her own safety." So, did the dynamite explode?
"There we LIE the blame." LAY ??? Lay, as in "to lay something down?"
Those are two tough verbs to master: To lie oneself down and to lay an object down.
You're coming to a satisfying conclusion, Bev. I loved Jana's ritual. I think the more you reveal her character as a native American, the more interesting and distinctive she becomes. I'm even learning some of the Sioux words, without having to look them up. Good job, Bev. Loved this chapter!
Comment Written 16-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2014
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Thanks for the spaggie suggestions, Adrienne. I really appreciate your encouragement and support throughout this novel's long process. :) Bev
Comment from lalajovanoski
Extremely well written piece. I was able to easily relate to the message the author is executing. I really enjoyed reading it. Very relatable. Well done!
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2014
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Extremely well written piece. I was able to easily relate to the message the author is executing. I really enjoyed reading it. Very relatable. Well done!
Comment Written 16-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2014
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Thank you so much, Lala. I really appreciate you stopping by to read and review so generously. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from rama devi
Wow--amazing chapter--drew me in and held my attention--even without having read all previous chpters, I was right in the pulse of your story and felt I knew all the characters. i look forward to reading this from the beginning as we proceed. Sounds like its heading towards a good climax.
I enjoy all the mystical overtones from the Sioux traditions. I used to go to formal sweat lodges conducted by a traditional Lakota medicine man.
I am wondering if the mysterious dog that disappeared was a medicine man in disguise? (If not, then I wonder why it was mentioned...and if it will return alter in the next chapter...?)
Almost a six (but I don't have any). A few tiny suggestions:
*
"He is family. Our people never turn their back on family."
He's
*He watched her back, feeling both pride and frustration in respose to her stubbornness.
response (spelling)
*
Overhead, a helicopter's blades could be heard in the distance. It circled, looking for a safe place to land, kicking up a cloud of debris.
Maybe tighten and trim to:
Overhead, a helicopter's blades could be heard circling in the distance. It kicked up a cloud of debris.
(because 'looking for a place to land' is implied--no need to state it--and also because it is an action scene and for building of a tone of tension, tighter writing is optimal).
*
Jana made no reply. She turned her face from his sight, and Ty knew (that) where she went in her mind, she went alone.
*
The members of the Task Force arrived on the heels of the helicopter(,) which turned out to have the assault team on board.
*
Below, the sun was setting the sky on fire as it dropped from view.
Nice descriptive. Maybe make it even more visual by adding in a color...for example "crimson fire"
*She could see the erratic wingplay of hungry bats, and, off in the distance, coyotes communicating in their own unique manner.
tow issues:
1) COULD SEE is weak voicing. Always optimal to find a more apt verb. Example:
She noticed the erratic wing(-)play..
2) one does not SEE howling...so keeping these in one sentence does not work. Suggest:
She noticed the erratic wing-play of hungry bats. Off in the distance, coyotes communicated in their own unique manner.
This is very well paced and has clear POV shifts by sections. The POVs are good and deep and draw the reader in nicely. Bravo.
Love,
rd
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2014
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Wow--amazing chapter--drew me in and held my attention--even without having read all previous chpters, I was right in the pulse of your story and felt I knew all the characters. i look forward to reading this from the beginning as we proceed. Sounds like its heading towards a good climax.
I enjoy all the mystical overtones from the Sioux traditions. I used to go to formal sweat lodges conducted by a traditional Lakota medicine man.
I am wondering if the mysterious dog that disappeared was a medicine man in disguise? (If not, then I wonder why it was mentioned...and if it will return alter in the next chapter...?)
Almost a six (but I don't have any). A few tiny suggestions:
*
"He is family. Our people never turn their back on family."
He's
*He watched her back, feeling both pride and frustration in respose to her stubbornness.
response (spelling)
*
Overhead, a helicopter's blades could be heard in the distance. It circled, looking for a safe place to land, kicking up a cloud of debris.
Maybe tighten and trim to:
Overhead, a helicopter's blades could be heard circling in the distance. It kicked up a cloud of debris.
(because 'looking for a place to land' is implied--no need to state it--and also because it is an action scene and for building of a tone of tension, tighter writing is optimal).
*
Jana made no reply. She turned her face from his sight, and Ty knew (that) where she went in her mind, she went alone.
*
The members of the Task Force arrived on the heels of the helicopter(,) which turned out to have the assault team on board.
*
Below, the sun was setting the sky on fire as it dropped from view.
Nice descriptive. Maybe make it even more visual by adding in a color...for example "crimson fire"
*She could see the erratic wingplay of hungry bats, and, off in the distance, coyotes communicating in their own unique manner.
tow issues:
1) COULD SEE is weak voicing. Always optimal to find a more apt verb. Example:
She noticed the erratic wing(-)play..
2) one does not SEE howling...so keeping these in one sentence does not work. Suggest:
She noticed the erratic wing-play of hungry bats. Off in the distance, coyotes communicated in their own unique manner.
This is very well paced and has clear POV shifts by sections. The POVs are good and deep and draw the reader in nicely. Bravo.
Love,
rd
Comment Written 16-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2014
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Dear Rama. Thank you so much for this awesome review! I agree with all your suggestions, and I appreciate how they will tighten the story. Off to make the changes. Thanks again! Hugs, Bev
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Thanks for your gracious response, dearest Bev. Hugs! rd
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I tried to nominate you for ROM, but they tell me I've already done that for the month. Just know, you are very much appreciated, Rama. Hugs, Bev
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Aw, thanks, dear Bev. Yes, I knew you'd done that already this month. I appreciate you too, dear--tons! Hugs and smiles, rd
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
This has been magnificent writing, Bev. The characters have been especially powerful in their own right and emotionally moving. I must say I particularly enjoyed the knowledge of the American Indian people. Superb story, Giddy
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2014
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This has been magnificent writing, Bev. The characters have been especially powerful in their own right and emotionally moving. I must say I particularly enjoyed the knowledge of the American Indian people. Superb story, Giddy
Comment Written 16-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2014
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Giddy, thank you so very much for this very generous and lovely review. I am happy you enjoyed the chapter and the Sioux aspects within. That means a lot to me. I've always felt a special connection to Jana, and I hope to have her around for a long time. Hugs, Bev
Comment from Joan E.
You added another appropriate quote to introduce the new chapter, and Angelheart's artwork is a great match. Thank you also for your additional notes that enhance our understanding of the cultural context. Again, I admired your use of a few Sioux terms to add to the realism. Your final paragraph is very evocative with perfectly chosen words like "wingplay" and "keened". More cheers for your great storytelling--you know if I had a six it would be yours. -Joan
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2014
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You added another appropriate quote to introduce the new chapter, and Angelheart's artwork is a great match. Thank you also for your additional notes that enhance our understanding of the cultural context. Again, I admired your use of a few Sioux terms to add to the realism. Your final paragraph is very evocative with perfectly chosen words like "wingplay" and "keened". More cheers for your great storytelling--you know if I had a six it would be yours. -Joan
Comment Written 16-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2014
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Thank you so very much, Joan. Your words are worth an extra star any time. I appreciate that you took the time to note what you found 'evocative'. That means a lot to me and is always so helpful. Hugs, Bev
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More smiles and happy weekend- Joan
Comment from Dean Kuch
That Jana. She sure is a hard ridin', hot tempered filly, isn't she? Perhaps she should listen to Ty, the voice of reason, in this instance. As I often review as I read, that fact has yet to be determined...
But at least Ty respects her decision, even if he does feel it's a bit foolhardy not to wait for backup to arrive.
As Ty feared, an explosion rocked the mineshaft, and he had to flatten Jana to keep her from getting her head taken unwillingly from her shoulders.
When the helicopter arrived carrying the tactical team, the digging had commenced to see if there were enough left of those inside worth saving. Derek tried his best to console Jana, but she didn't seem to be having any of it. Once a spot was cleared that was large enough, a rescuer went into the shaft and discovered two still alive, but barely; an old man and woman, and one dead. Oh, and a dog. A dog that mysteriously disappeared when he went back inside...
I especially enjoyed the ending of this chapter, as Jana performed her braid cutting ritual for her departed friends soul. Very touching.
Another exciting, albeit sad, chapter, Bev. Great writing!
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2014
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That Jana. She sure is a hard ridin', hot tempered filly, isn't she? Perhaps she should listen to Ty, the voice of reason, in this instance. As I often review as I read, that fact has yet to be determined...
But at least Ty respects her decision, even if he does feel it's a bit foolhardy not to wait for backup to arrive.
As Ty feared, an explosion rocked the mineshaft, and he had to flatten Jana to keep her from getting her head taken unwillingly from her shoulders.
When the helicopter arrived carrying the tactical team, the digging had commenced to see if there were enough left of those inside worth saving. Derek tried his best to console Jana, but she didn't seem to be having any of it. Once a spot was cleared that was large enough, a rescuer went into the shaft and discovered two still alive, but barely; an old man and woman, and one dead. Oh, and a dog. A dog that mysteriously disappeared when he went back inside...
I especially enjoyed the ending of this chapter, as Jana performed her braid cutting ritual for her departed friends soul. Very touching.
Another exciting, albeit sad, chapter, Bev. Great writing!
Comment Written 15-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2014
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Jana is prickly for sure. I've run into a few of the older natives at the nearby reservation. Those women can be tough as nails, yet so very dignified. It's an interesting enigma for me. As always, thank you so very much, Dean. Your support and encouragement are always appreciated. :) Bev
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As always, it was my pleasure, Bev. :}
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I met Bob (Mastery) and his wife Lynie this week. Green Lake Girl and I took a trip to have lunch with them. What a great couple they are. Bob cooked a fabulous lunch and we girls felt so relaxed with the two of them. He'd gotten a request for his manuscript from one of his contacts just prior to our getting there and was pretty pumped about that. I'm telling you this because Bob thinks very highly of you, Dean. And I wanted you to know he's even more gracious in person.
Take care, my friend,
Bev
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Although I have never met Bob personally, I have considered him a very dear friend for quite some time. I wish Bob all the success that he so well deserves.
Thanks for letting me know about that, Bev. I figured he was even more gracious in person than he was online. He seems like that type of person.
Thanks again!~Dean
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Well, he expressed that you two were very close. And he happens to think you are a fantastic horror writer. To which I completely agree!
:) Bev
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Much the same could be said about you, my friend. You're quite the writer of macabre, surreal and horrifying yourself. I am one of your biggest fans. And don't worry, I'm not going to show up at your house with a pig named Misery in tow, heh-heh...
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Well, as it happens I kind of like those designer pot-bellied pigs. hehehehe
I so appreciate your very kind words, Dean.
:) Bev
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