Bank Owned
Man feels betrayed by bank.30 total reviews
Comment from cvcopac
I want to review this one with my feelings since the highly emotional story is still tugging at my gut, but best I don't. I love the story. It reads like a newspaper article. By that I mean the realism, the content is not only possible but probably has happened. This short short, close knit story packs a wallop. This strong, masterful, write that I enjoyed, will stay with me awhile. cvc
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
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I want to review this one with my feelings since the highly emotional story is still tugging at my gut, but best I don't. I love the story. It reads like a newspaper article. By that I mean the realism, the content is not only possible but probably has happened. This short short, close knit story packs a wallop. This strong, masterful, write that I enjoyed, will stay with me awhile. cvc
Comment Written 02-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
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Thank you. It was a hard story to write. I have stopped reading the newspaper and listening to the news except on occasion due to the way things are right now. Thank you for the compliment and the nice review.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
I almost gave this six stars, but then he shot himself, leaving his family to fend for themselves without a husband and father, worse off than they were! I cared about him all the way thru, but then you made him selfish and weak, no longer a sympathetic character but a pathetic character... and that ruined the story for me, so I dropped it to a five.
But aside from that this is superbly written in every way...just two little spelling fixes to do.
that cold hearted bitch's office.
that cold-hearted bitch's office. << needs hyphen, see rule:
Hyphenate two-word modifiers that come BEFORE the noun, and do not hyphenate them if they come AFTER the noun.
Use a hyphen if a two-word modifier comes immediately BEFORE the noun.
The man endured a self-imposed punishment.
If it comes after the word, it would NOT need a hyphen, such as:
The man's punishment was self imposed.
This is true any time you combine two words to create a modifier for a noun. Good rule to remember. Here's another example of two correct sentences:
He died of self-inflicted wounds.
The soldier's wounds were self inflicted.
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They all worked non stop until the light in the sky
They all worked nonstop until the light in the sky << Nonstop is one word... NON is only a prefix.
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
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I almost gave this six stars, but then he shot himself, leaving his family to fend for themselves without a husband and father, worse off than they were! I cared about him all the way thru, but then you made him selfish and weak, no longer a sympathetic character but a pathetic character... and that ruined the story for me, so I dropped it to a five.
But aside from that this is superbly written in every way...just two little spelling fixes to do.
that cold hearted bitch's office.
that cold-hearted bitch's office. << needs hyphen, see rule:
Hyphenate two-word modifiers that come BEFORE the noun, and do not hyphenate them if they come AFTER the noun.
Use a hyphen if a two-word modifier comes immediately BEFORE the noun.
The man endured a self-imposed punishment.
If it comes after the word, it would NOT need a hyphen, such as:
The man's punishment was self imposed.
This is true any time you combine two words to create a modifier for a noun. Good rule to remember. Here's another example of two correct sentences:
He died of self-inflicted wounds.
The soldier's wounds were self inflicted.
----------
They all worked non stop until the light in the sky
They all worked nonstop until the light in the sky << Nonstop is one word... NON is only a prefix.
Comment Written 02-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
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Sorry I ruined the story for you, but I do appreciate the comments. As a writer, you know any reaction is a good thing. Thank you for the lesson in the hyphen. I went back and changed that.
Comment from jjstar
Oh, indeed. I'm glad someone wrote this because so many are facing these same situations every day. I hope that something does change very soon! It was horrible and the ending was tragic. Very well written. There were a few areas where I thought you could probably use some commas, but because I've been told comma rules have changed, I decided to keep my mouth shut. Again, great story!
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
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Oh, indeed. I'm glad someone wrote this because so many are facing these same situations every day. I hope that something does change very soon! It was horrible and the ending was tragic. Very well written. There were a few areas where I thought you could probably use some commas, but because I've been told comma rules have changed, I decided to keep my mouth shut. Again, great story!
Comment Written 02-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
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I get confused in the land of commas. Sometimes I don't use enough and other times too many. Thanks for the great review.
Comment from EMB
Business. It used to have heart. Banks only loan money if you can prove you don't really need it or you have at least two-to-one assets. Business no longer has heart. Even in publishing, the choice of who to publish is no longer based on the quality of the work; it's based on the projected sales. That's why another Hemmingway would have to wait in line, while Madonna's latest piece of ghostwritten crap finds itself in a bidding war among big publishers.
This was a necessary story.
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
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Business. It used to have heart. Banks only loan money if you can prove you don't really need it or you have at least two-to-one assets. Business no longer has heart. Even in publishing, the choice of who to publish is no longer based on the quality of the work; it's based on the projected sales. That's why another Hemmingway would have to wait in line, while Madonna's latest piece of ghostwritten crap finds itself in a bidding war among big publishers.
This was a necessary story.
Comment Written 02-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
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Yes, I agree about the publishing industry. When Snooki gets a book deal and a real writer with a real story doesn't, well it just makes me mad. Thanks for taking the time to read and review. As always it is greatly appreciated.
Comment from kiwigirl2821
Hi Hargis, Already I can see the personality of this bank loan officer. I'm feeling betrayed already by the ***** well you get the picture!
Bravo for the sheer bravery it took to speak to the other patrons in that bank. I felt like I was standing in line. Something like this would have made me reconsider personally about doing business with a bank that lost its heart.
Bludy good on Lori and those boys !
What I get from this one is angry. Personally, I understand the depth of this kind of fear, disillusion, heartbreak from working all you are able to work and still have an empty bank account and creditors at the door, but to leave like this just pisses me off as a woman, as a mother and as a wife.
I remember feeling like this one time. I've always owned my own business and I woke up one night and went downstairs and just wept. You couldn't have consoled me if you tried. I said I'm scared. I don't know what else to do. I don't know how I'm going to feed the kids and keep them with a home. I need help, real help. What can I do?
I turned on the TV cause my eyes were so swollen I couldn't see or think or recognize words anymore. Joyce Meyer was on. I sorta hate the "God" channel but a woman named Joyce Meyer was giving a sermon and her words the minute I turned that television on changed my life. Simple words...
"If God stands guard beside you, what can man truly do to harm you" or some such. I never forgot that and just said thank you. The next day my store pushed something like $5,000 through the till.
It was my own little miracle but, I believe it saved my life.
THAT is what this story made me feel. You have the ability to write us into your world. That is what I call great writing!
xoxo Kiwi
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
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Hi Hargis, Already I can see the personality of this bank loan officer. I'm feeling betrayed already by the ***** well you get the picture!
Bravo for the sheer bravery it took to speak to the other patrons in that bank. I felt like I was standing in line. Something like this would have made me reconsider personally about doing business with a bank that lost its heart.
Bludy good on Lori and those boys !
What I get from this one is angry. Personally, I understand the depth of this kind of fear, disillusion, heartbreak from working all you are able to work and still have an empty bank account and creditors at the door, but to leave like this just pisses me off as a woman, as a mother and as a wife.
I remember feeling like this one time. I've always owned my own business and I woke up one night and went downstairs and just wept. You couldn't have consoled me if you tried. I said I'm scared. I don't know what else to do. I don't know how I'm going to feed the kids and keep them with a home. I need help, real help. What can I do?
I turned on the TV cause my eyes were so swollen I couldn't see or think or recognize words anymore. Joyce Meyer was on. I sorta hate the "God" channel but a woman named Joyce Meyer was giving a sermon and her words the minute I turned that television on changed my life. Simple words...
"If God stands guard beside you, what can man truly do to harm you" or some such. I never forgot that and just said thank you. The next day my store pushed something like $5,000 through the till.
It was my own little miracle but, I believe it saved my life.
THAT is what this story made me feel. You have the ability to write us into your world. That is what I call great writing!
xoxo Kiwi
Comment Written 02-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
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This was a hard one to write. Thank you for the great review and especially for sharing your own story. I whole heartedly believe that God provides maybe not when we think we need it, but definitely when he thinks we do.
Comment from Scribbler67
This is a classic piece of 'can't stop reading 'til I get to the end' writing. A story to really tug hard at your heart-strings. It has a great, natural flow, is well observed, full of atmosphere, a story told in the true tradition of story-telling. It is also very thought-provoking and raises issues that are always current.
I'm sure there are plenty of readers who can identify with part, if not all, of this.
I'd love to have been a fly on the wall when Lori wrote to the bank. Great stuff.
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
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This is a classic piece of 'can't stop reading 'til I get to the end' writing. A story to really tug hard at your heart-strings. It has a great, natural flow, is well observed, full of atmosphere, a story told in the true tradition of story-telling. It is also very thought-provoking and raises issues that are always current.
I'm sure there are plenty of readers who can identify with part, if not all, of this.
I'd love to have been a fly on the wall when Lori wrote to the bank. Great stuff.
Comment Written 02-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
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Thank you for the great review and the stars. I'm glad the story did as I intended. I wanted the reader to feel the man's anguish. I really appreciate the great review.
Comment from Carrie Carson
Good story...way TOO true, I'm afraid, especially given the drought.
A few teeny picks:
Para "After the funeral...visitors? stopped coming(,)...thank you notes(,)
Good story, typical of "business 'courtesies'" :) Carrie
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
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Good story...way TOO true, I'm afraid, especially given the drought.
A few teeny picks:
Para "After the funeral...visitors? stopped coming(,)...thank you notes(,)
Good story, typical of "business 'courtesies'" :) Carrie
Comment Written 02-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
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Yes, unfortunately it is all too true. Thank you for the great review. Thank you for the grammar hints.
Comment from saychirah
Ptifully,this is what is going on almost everywhere. Although it is a tragic, I enjoyed it because it is clear,easy to read and interesting...you are a good writer
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
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Ptifully,this is what is going on almost everywhere. Although it is a tragic, I enjoyed it because it is clear,easy to read and interesting...you are a good writer
Comment Written 02-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
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Thank you for the great review and nice compliments. I really appreciate it.
Comment from jogills
This was just the right length with just enough characters. Donnie was easy to imagine in my head along with the bank manager. The story is true to life, people are desperate and the ending was great with the card, again very believable.
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
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This was just the right length with just enough characters. Donnie was easy to imagine in my head along with the bank manager. The story is true to life, people are desperate and the ending was great with the card, again very believable.
Comment Written 02-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
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Thank you for the nice review and the compliments. I really appreciate your taking time to read and review.
Comment from Alexandra Laine
Not enough written about the banking industry in my humble opinion. When you don't need them, they are their shoving credit cards down your throat and up your noise like a world class drug dealer. When times get bad they turn out a good old customer in the cold - foreclose on them and get a federal bail out to keep their stuffy offices warm and dry.
Yeap, I'm feeling your piece just a little- can you tell. Great writing.
All the best. A.L
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
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Not enough written about the banking industry in my humble opinion. When you don't need them, they are their shoving credit cards down your throat and up your noise like a world class drug dealer. When times get bad they turn out a good old customer in the cold - foreclose on them and get a federal bail out to keep their stuffy offices warm and dry.
Yeap, I'm feeling your piece just a little- can you tell. Great writing.
All the best. A.L
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
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They are federally backed pushers that is for sure. Thank you for the great review and glad you liked it.