Bruce-San Is In Love
how to write a tanka28 total reviews
Comment from Shirley B
Great job, Alvin. This essay taught people a lot, plus it was funny. Many we will get more people in our class. I like it when you write with humor. It lets the next class know that you are a laid back teacher. I am looking forward to the class, Shirley
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2011
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Great job, Alvin. This essay taught people a lot, plus it was funny. Many we will get more people in our class. I like it when you write with humor. It lets the next class know that you are a laid back teacher. I am looking forward to the class, Shirley
Comment Written 15-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2011
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Thanks for the exceptional rating, Shirley. We already have three people, including you, in that October class. I think we'll get more. I am glad my teaching personality came through.
Comment from sgalletti
Alvin-san! I absolutely love the humor and wit in this piece. You covered so many aspects of writing a tanka using Bruce-san as the scapegoat, including syllable count, lack of grammar, personification and the "essence" of tanka, including five phrases in five lines, a 'haiku-like' first three lines, two often commentary lines following, personification and the short/long/short/long/long per "breathing." Thank you!
The first paragraph reads awkwardly to me ("none of this Americanized put..." This is the paragraph that should suck the reader in. I would suggest that you put "Alv's" reflective thoughts in italics. I wanted to know why Champagne was captialized...but you answered that for me quite effectively.
The ONLY aspect of tanka missing for me was alliteration and heaviness. I have a six waiting for you LOL!
Hugs, Sue
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2011
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Alvin-san! I absolutely love the humor and wit in this piece. You covered so many aspects of writing a tanka using Bruce-san as the scapegoat, including syllable count, lack of grammar, personification and the "essence" of tanka, including five phrases in five lines, a 'haiku-like' first three lines, two often commentary lines following, personification and the short/long/short/long/long per "breathing." Thank you!
The first paragraph reads awkwardly to me ("none of this Americanized put..." This is the paragraph that should suck the reader in. I would suggest that you put "Alv's" reflective thoughts in italics. I wanted to know why Champagne was captialized...but you answered that for me quite effectively.
The ONLY aspect of tanka missing for me was alliteration and heaviness. I have a six waiting for you LOL!
Hugs, Sue
Comment Written 15-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2011
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Guess I'm stuck with a five; you can't go back and raise the ratin to a six now. I thought about italicizing my thoughts, but then the whole piece except for direct quotations would be italicized. I don't remember anyone saying s/he wanted to see alliteration in this lecture, did someone? Thanks for a great review.
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I mean "rating", of course. I do not drop "g"s.
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Oh, what did you mean by lack of grammar?
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Finally, do you have any suggestions for how the first paragraph should be worded?
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I did! We talked about when it adds value and when it creates "heaviness."
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Bruce-san does not speak grammatically "correct"...I thought it was a wonderful example of how poor writers on site do not write poems or prose with proper grammar. It was "witty."
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Oh, I missed that. We can talk about that in class tomorrow night. Be sure to bring it up.
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OIC. Yes, that's good ole Brucey-boy.
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Oh no! I thought since I had one available, I would be able to offer it to you with just a few edits. Sorry, now I know!
Comment from Slush Pile
Hey Alv! (you know I had to do it!) This is great. Funny AND educational. Now I'm sure I don't want anything to do with poetry. It's so far over my head I'd have neck cramps before the lesson was 1/2 way through. Have a couple of suggestions for you below. Blessings my dear friend, denny
As written:
"Hey, are these oysters?" Bruce plops one in his mouth.
"They're great! I'll have another! Where's the sea urchin and the quail egg?"
Suggestion:
Since Bruce is speaking these lines as he is taking oysters from the plate, the dialog should read as a continuous paragraph. For example:
"Hey, are these oysters?" Bruce plops one in his mouth.
"They're great! I'll have another! Where's the sea urchin and the quail egg?"
"It's [a] five line poem in which the middle [insert 'a']
and an another poem with the last [delete the word 'an']
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2011
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Hey Alv! (you know I had to do it!) This is great. Funny AND educational. Now I'm sure I don't want anything to do with poetry. It's so far over my head I'd have neck cramps before the lesson was 1/2 way through. Have a couple of suggestions for you below. Blessings my dear friend, denny
As written:
"Hey, are these oysters?" Bruce plops one in his mouth.
"They're great! I'll have another! Where's the sea urchin and the quail egg?"
Suggestion:
Since Bruce is speaking these lines as he is taking oysters from the plate, the dialog should read as a continuous paragraph. For example:
"Hey, are these oysters?" Bruce plops one in his mouth.
"They're great! I'll have another! Where's the sea urchin and the quail egg?"
"It's [a] five line poem in which the middle [insert 'a']
and an another poem with the last [delete the word 'an']
Comment Written 15-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2011
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Thanks, Deni. I took all your suggestions. I am quite appreciative.
Comment from Joan E.
I THOUGHT THEY LOOKED LIKE OYSTERS! What a wonderful animation! And a great way to teach tanka writing!! I enjoyed your examples, but your sarcasm and "If the slipper fits" are beyond choice. I am still chortling! Cheers- Joan
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2011
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I THOUGHT THEY LOOKED LIKE OYSTERS! What a wonderful animation! And a great way to teach tanka writing!! I enjoyed your examples, but your sarcasm and "If the slipper fits" are beyond choice. I am still chortling! Cheers- Joan
Comment Written 15-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2011
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Thanks for the exceptional review. I am glad you liked the presentation.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I laughed and smiled at this pose. I also felt guilty for laugning in some areas. You did a great job writing this short story. Thank you for sharing it with us.
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2011
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I laughed and smiled at this pose. I also felt guilty for laugning in some areas. You did a great job writing this short story. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2011
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There's no need to feel guilty. Bruce-san deserves it. He lives in my head and bugs the hell out of me.
Comment from c_lucas
You did an excellent job of showing your humorous job. I like how you worked your professional/amateur conversation. Very well written.
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2011
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You did an excellent job of showing your humorous job. I like how you worked your professional/amateur conversation. Very well written.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2011
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Thanks for a great review.
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You're welcome, Alvin. I thoroughly enjoyed your story. Charlie
Comment from rchitwood
Now I know where to come if I need help I am envious of the knowledge in this story. I love it and the characters are good so is the dialogue. This is a very good story and I would recommend it to others. Blessings Rita
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2011
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Now I know where to come if I need help I am envious of the knowledge in this story. I love it and the characters are good so is the dialogue. This is a very good story and I would recommend it to others. Blessings Rita
Comment Written 15-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2011
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Thanks for a good review..If you want more knowledge, my courses are available for registration...I would be remiss if I didn't mention that.
Comment from Belinda
Hi, Alvin, this is entertaining, informative, educating, and ... advertising (your course), ha-ha. The last three words are meant as a joke. I do like it very much. It's good and typically you.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
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reply by the author on 15-Jun-2011
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Hi, Alvin, this is entertaining, informative, educating, and ... advertising (your course), ha-ha. The last three words are meant as a joke. I do like it very much. It's good and typically you.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2011
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You caught me! Thanks for a good review.
