the ants
Dodoitsu poem33 total reviews
Comment from Sugarray77
Great job on this verse that compares and contrasts large and small. Your opposite perspectives is a good juxtaposition and an effect tool to make your point. Well done and a great entry for this prompt!
Melissa
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2024
  |
Great job on this verse that compares and contrasts large and small. Your opposite perspectives is a good juxtaposition and an effect tool to make your point. Well done and a great entry for this prompt!
Melissa
Comment Written 28-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2024
-
thank you very much.
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Excellent entry for the japanese poetry club dodoitsu event. Ants are resilient creatures.
Good syllables count and connection between lines.
The presentation is fantastic.
Good composition and flow.
Great entry for the
Gypsy
"The poet waits quietly to paint the unsaid." - Atticus
.................
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2024
|
Excellent entry for the japanese poetry club dodoitsu event. Ants are resilient creatures.
Good syllables count and connection between lines.
The presentation is fantastic.
Good composition and flow.
Great entry for the
Gypsy
"The poet waits quietly to paint the unsaid." - Atticus
.................
Comment Written 28-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2024
-
thank you very much .i am glad you like it.
Comment from Ulla
Oh yes, ants can be a pain. I totally agree. Fortunately, I rarely have any of the around. Outside yes, but inside rarely ever. Thank goodness. I loved your poem. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2024
|
Oh yes, ants can be a pain. I totally agree. Fortunately, I rarely have any of the around. Outside yes, but inside rarely ever. Thank goodness. I loved your poem. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 28-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2024
-
thank you vey much..
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
I had to look it up. When you write using an uncommon form you need to include the description of the style in the author notes: It's a four lined Japanese form with no set rhyme scheme. Its syllabic structure is 7-7-7-5. The dodoitsu is usually comical and usually concerns love or work. Also using the word rage twice felt cumbersome. You also switched plurals and tenses, Try this:
Small and orderly they march
Ants invading everywhere
Giant humans stomp their feet
Ending invasion
Make some changes to your writing and I will change it to a 5. N ice attempt. I am still trying to write a western. I have been trying for years. Any hints? Karen
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2024
 |
I had to look it up. When you write using an uncommon form you need to include the description of the style in the author notes: It's a four lined Japanese form with no set rhyme scheme. Its syllabic structure is 7-7-7-5. The dodoitsu is usually comical and usually concerns love or work. Also using the word rage twice felt cumbersome. You also switched plurals and tenses, Try this:
Small and orderly they march
Ants invading everywhere
Giant humans stomp their feet
Ending invasion
Make some changes to your writing and I will change it to a 5. N ice attempt. I am still trying to write a western. I have been trying for years. Any hints? Karen
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2024
-
i didnt explain the rules because it is a club entry .But I see your point .You will have to go to the club page to know what it is
removed the 'rage and re wrote those two lines..but never mind about the stars..I am Okay with 4 star since it means 'good'.
-
I changed the stars as I said I would. It flows much better.The smaller the poem, the harder they are. Karen
Comment from Begin Again
Ants, like bees, are team workers. They know that it takes the whole colony to get things done....though I wish they would remain outside and not in my house. Too bad humans can learn a lesson or two from them.
Smiles, Carol
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2024
|
Ants, like bees, are team workers. They know that it takes the whole colony to get things done....though I wish they would remain outside and not in my house. Too bad humans can learn a lesson or two from them.
Smiles, Carol
Comment Written 28-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2024
-
Thank you very much for stopping by
Comment from patcelaw
An invasion of ants can be very traumatic, especially if the invasion happens in the kitchen or in the house. Outdoor invasions are not as bad unless you step on a hell of these crazy Creatures. May you have a good week and a very happy new year. Patricia.
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2024
|
An invasion of ants can be very traumatic, especially if the invasion happens in the kitchen or in the house. Outdoor invasions are not as bad unless you step on a hell of these crazy Creatures. May you have a good week and a very happy new year. Patricia.
Comment Written 28-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2024
-
It is frustrating when you see ants inside your cake tins especially when you are about to serve it to guests!Thanks for stopping by.
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
I forget what a Dodoitsu poem is, Sanku, but I'm impressed by the way you contrast these tiny, organised creatures as they wage war on the helpless, huge humans (great alliteration). I would close up every and where into everywhere (for fluency) and, maybe another word for 'rage' in the third line to avoid the subsequent repeat in line 4 which needs to be dominant, not an echo. You could say 'ire' or 'force' in the 3rd line? But a pleasing and relatable verse. Well done, Sanku. Warm wishes Debbie
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2024
|
I forget what a Dodoitsu poem is, Sanku, but I'm impressed by the way you contrast these tiny, organised creatures as they wage war on the helpless, huge humans (great alliteration). I would close up every and where into everywhere (for fluency) and, maybe another word for 'rage' in the third line to avoid the subsequent repeat in line 4 which needs to be dominant, not an echo. You could say 'ire' or 'force' in the 3rd line? But a pleasing and relatable verse. Well done, Sanku. Warm wishes Debbie
Comment Written 28-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2024
-
Thank you very much for pointing this out. i changed the lines to avoid repeating 'rage'. I appreciate the help.
Comment from Lana Marie
I have sometimes wondered if I accidentally end the lives of these little ants when I'm running around the yard playing with my grandkids. Ants work hard and tirelessly just to have a huge human stomp its life out so effortlessly. You got me thinking with this one. Nice job.
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2024
|
I have sometimes wondered if I accidentally end the lives of these little ants when I'm running around the yard playing with my grandkids. Ants work hard and tirelessly just to have a huge human stomp its life out so effortlessly. You got me thinking with this one. Nice job.
Comment Written 28-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2024
-
Thank you very much for stopping by..
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Hi Santha, what a fascinating subject you've chosen for club, and what a difficult form this is. I've never heard of a Dodoitsu before. As for the poem, it's great. I have nothing but admiration for ants, they are such hard workers and are good for our soil. I sit fascinated when I watch them seek out food for the nest, they always let the other ants know when they find it. Amazing. Shame we aren't more like them. Well done, my friend. Hope you had a wonderful Christmas, and I wish you the best in 2025. Love and hugs Sandra xx
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2024
|
Hi Santha, what a fascinating subject you've chosen for club, and what a difficult form this is. I've never heard of a Dodoitsu before. As for the poem, it's great. I have nothing but admiration for ants, they are such hard workers and are good for our soil. I sit fascinated when I watch them seek out food for the nest, they always let the other ants know when they find it. Amazing. Shame we aren't more like them. Well done, my friend. Hope you had a wonderful Christmas, and I wish you the best in 2025. Love and hugs Sandra xx
Comment Written 28-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2024
-
Thank you very much .Yes i always wonder how these tiny creature communicate to each other .It is fascinating to watch many ants carrying off a piece of biscuit or cake ..So orderly..
Comment from Cecilia A Heiskary
Sanku,
I love this poem. Ants are the worst and bring out the beast in humans. I am dealing with and ant problem now and makes me mad they keep coming back.
Great job
Cecilia
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2024
|
Sanku,
I love this poem. Ants are the worst and bring out the beast in humans. I am dealing with and ant problem now and makes me mad they keep coming back.
Great job
Cecilia
Comment Written 28-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2024
-
Thank you very much.
-
You're welcome
