Lingering Devotion
First meeting.44 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Ric,
this is a pretty well written piece and kept me both entertained and gripped through to the end.
A few little bits & pieces-
love the opening prose line. It's always good when folk stay away from worn-out cliches. But better still it's an analogy that works.
tasty grilled amber jack. - I'm assuming this is the fish, in which case a single word.
Leaving her true reaction, a mystery. - not sure you need the comma here.
epiphany's hand and lead her off into the dimly-lit parking lot.- led rather than lead.
The following night, I was at Jamaica Joes at 6:30, - earlier Joe's uses the apostrophe. Keep it consistent.
But my best chance for success had blown up faster than Hiroshima.- whilst this works, I'd personally think twice about using Hiroshima so casually, something like Vesuvius would do just as well.
And then, happy to find you . . ., you ignored me and- you don't need a comma when you've used the ellipses.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2022
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Hi Ric,
this is a pretty well written piece and kept me both entertained and gripped through to the end.
A few little bits & pieces-
love the opening prose line. It's always good when folk stay away from worn-out cliches. But better still it's an analogy that works.
tasty grilled amber jack. - I'm assuming this is the fish, in which case a single word.
Leaving her true reaction, a mystery. - not sure you need the comma here.
epiphany's hand and lead her off into the dimly-lit parking lot.- led rather than lead.
The following night, I was at Jamaica Joes at 6:30, - earlier Joe's uses the apostrophe. Keep it consistent.
But my best chance for success had blown up faster than Hiroshima.- whilst this works, I'd personally think twice about using Hiroshima so casually, something like Vesuvius would do just as well.
And then, happy to find you . . ., you ignored me and- you don't need a comma when you've used the ellipses.
All the best
G
Comment Written 11-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2022
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Thanks, G, for taking time-out to offer your kind and generous review and suggestions. I always make more than my fair share of mistakes and seldom polish enough to find them. But my insensitive use of Hiroshima certainly wasn't intended and shouldn't have been used. Much appreciated!
Comment from Elviss
This was such a refreshing read. From the opening 'fairy tales and fantasies', I was immediately hooked. Personally, it is the perfect example of a detailed and humorous piece.
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2022
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This was such a refreshing read. From the opening 'fairy tales and fantasies', I was immediately hooked. Personally, it is the perfect example of a detailed and humorous piece.
Comment Written 11-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2022
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Thank you so much, Elviss, for your generous review and kind words. This story is way outside my comfort zone and much different than anything I've ever written, so I glad you enjoyed it. Much appreciated!
Comment from GWHARGIS
Awe, is this a true story? It was brilliantly written with the eighties vibe. I remember the bar scene. I remember the flipped up collars and neon colors. You painted a perfect picture. And though you didn't mention it, please tell me you had a mullet and a small mustache. Lol. Even if you didn't, I'm still going to picture you with one. It was sad to hear about your friend Lori. It's amazing how quickly time passes and everything changes. Great story. Gretchen
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2022
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Awe, is this a true story? It was brilliantly written with the eighties vibe. I remember the bar scene. I remember the flipped up collars and neon colors. You painted a perfect picture. And though you didn't mention it, please tell me you had a mullet and a small mustache. Lol. Even if you didn't, I'm still going to picture you with one. It was sad to hear about your friend Lori. It's amazing how quickly time passes and everything changes. Great story. Gretchen
Comment Written 10-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2022
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Thank you so much, Gretchen, for your extra special six-star review and kind words. Oh, I had them all, flipped up collars, neon and pastel colors, disco jackets with the sleeves pushed up, a mullet, either with a mustache or mustache and goatee. Now the answer to your question: "is this a true story? It is written as fiction. Of course, in all fiction there are tidbits of truth. And in some rare cases, true stories are written as fictional farces to hide true personal secrets. But a secret isn't a secret if we tell. And yes, time passes quicker than we can ever imagine. So, when/if we wake up tomorrow, we can only hope there is one more meaningful day. I enjoy and appreciate reading your stories, and receiving such encouraging reviews. Much appreciated!
Comment from T B Botts
Hello Rick,
Thanks for sharing this entertaining story. I wasn't sure quite what to think when you were describing the pants. In this day and age, I don't know if one is speaking as a man or woman or as one who wishes they were born otherwise. In any event, it was a captivating story. I've been to the Hog's Breath Saloon in Key West. It wasn't there in the seventies when I was in the navy. Sloppy Joes was the place to be because of Hemmingway I suppose. I loved their slogan though. I had the mahi mahi. I ate smoked amberjack on Stock Island, something that the owner of a small tackle shop offered. I kind of miss the scantily clad ladies of the southern reaches. Alaska doesn't offer many chances to gaze upon them. Well done.
Have a blessed day.
Tom
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2022
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Hello Rick,
Thanks for sharing this entertaining story. I wasn't sure quite what to think when you were describing the pants. In this day and age, I don't know if one is speaking as a man or woman or as one who wishes they were born otherwise. In any event, it was a captivating story. I've been to the Hog's Breath Saloon in Key West. It wasn't there in the seventies when I was in the navy. Sloppy Joes was the place to be because of Hemmingway I suppose. I loved their slogan though. I had the mahi mahi. I ate smoked amberjack on Stock Island, something that the owner of a small tackle shop offered. I kind of miss the scantily clad ladies of the southern reaches. Alaska doesn't offer many chances to gaze upon them. Well done.
Have a blessed day.
Tom
Comment Written 10-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2022
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Thank you so much, Tom, for generous review and kind words. I've been to Hog's Breath and Sloppy Joes in Key West also. And like you it would be a nice place to be and look at all tiny bikinis. Where bouts in Alaska are you? What a beautiful place to look at, but I'm not sure how I feel about living there. But I'm interested to know more. A blessed day back at you! Much appreciated! Ric
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Hey Ric,
I spent 44 years in Southeast, in the Tongass National forest in the native village of Hoonah. The first ten years I lived at a Christian community about four miles outside of town, but I worked in town for part of the time. I moved to Wasilla, about forty miles north of Anchorage, in 2020. The inconvenience of having to take a ferry or airplane to Juneau to see a doctor or dentist became more than we wanted to put up with in our old age. I still own a fishing boat in Hoonah and fished there this past summer. Thanks for the interest.
Tom
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Wow, Tom, you've lived a very interesting life. Some friends of mine vacationed in Juneau and the surrounding area a few years back and I was fascinated by the pictures they brought back. They also brought back some cubed and jarred salmon, as if it were fruit and vegetables. I had never liked salmon, but I guess, it was because I had never really known how fresh salmon tasted. It was wonderful, right out of the jar! I'm interested to learn more, just the thought of fishing where the water is clean would be a novelty to me. Thanks for sharing and I look forward to communicating with you more. :-)
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Hi Ric,
Hoonah, where I lived and fished is about forty miles southwest of Juneau. It's all part of the Alaskan Panhandle. Juneau is on the mainland, although it doesn't connect to anywhere else. To get to a town like Skagway or Haines, you have to take the ferry and then can drive to the areas that connect by road. Hoonah is on Chichagof Island, so again, the only way in is by boat or plane. I never liked salmon before either, but smoked salmon is like having candy. A fresh coho fillet put skin side down on a BBQ with mayo and garlic salt is, in my opinion, the best way to eat fresh salmon. The water is very clean, although when it rains a lot, it gets dark, and in places closer to Glacier Bay, the water is really green or blue green because of the melt from the glaciers. You're welcome to PM any time with any questions about Alaska. If I can, I'll answer them.
Blessings
Tom
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Thanks so much, Tom, I've always wanted to visit Alaska. But just never found the time, since I bred and raced thoroughbred horses, my job was 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Three or four days a week on an airplane, and every night in a hotel. Horses are more confining than children, with even more problems, if you can imagine that. LOL. I don't want to be a pest with a barrage of questions, but I'm always interested. After spending my whole life chasing all the things I thought were important, I missed out on many that truly should have been. Kind of explains my last story. A simple man at heart, a good woman, the wilderness, and fresh fish sounds like the way I wish I'd gone. LOL. Blessings to you, Tom!
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Wow Ric, have you written about raising horses? I'm sure it would be interesting. I'm not familiar with the sport as I never gambled and was never around horses much. I wrote a story some months ago about being kicked by one of the horses when I was living on the farm. She got me square in the nuts and sent me flying. My daughter thought I was dead, and I kind of wished I had been. I'm always glad to answer questions. If you ever want to see pictures, I've got tons, just need an email.
Blessings
Tom
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Morning, Tom
Of course, I'm guessing you're probably six-hours behind me in time? Which would make it really early morning there. I decided to get some things done early before catching up on Fanstory. I'm sure glad I did, because there isn't anything better than starting the day off with a chuckle. Yes, a swift kick in the nuts by a 1,000 lb. animal can sure make you wish you were dead. ROFL! I'd love to see some of your pictures, but I don't know how many my email account will allow at a time. I'm at ric_myworld@yahoo.com. We'll just see what happens. I'll try not to wear you out with questions, but I'm still a curious sort when it comes to Alaska, the wildlife, and the wilderness.
Blessings to you!
Ric
Comment from amahra
I love your use of words, and as always, this was well written.
"...Wendy poured us a couple [of] free drinks at..."
David [,] [no comma] had begged to leave since we'd [got] there. ["...since we'd come there"?] Just my opinion.
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2022
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I love your use of words, and as always, this was well written.
"...Wendy poured us a couple [of] free drinks at..."
David [,] [no comma] had begged to leave since we'd [got] there. ["...since we'd come there"?] Just my opinion.
Comment Written 10-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2022
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Thank you so much, Amahra, for your extra special six-star review, kind words, and suggestions. Yes, we all have our own ideas on how we think things should be worded or written, and I'll take my chances on your choices being better, since it's all a guessing game for me. LOL. I learned some valuable lessons growing up on the streets, but none of them had anything to do school, grammar, vocabulary, or anything proper. You always make me smile! I appreciate your writing, reviews, and most of all YOU!
Comment from Charles W. Johnson
An enchanting little story about unfulfilled love sandwiched between some excellent poetic verse. Boy meets girl at bar is not my genre of choice but your tale held my attention from start to finish. Well done.
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2022
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An enchanting little story about unfulfilled love sandwiched between some excellent poetic verse. Boy meets girl at bar is not my genre of choice but your tale held my attention from start to finish. Well done.
Comment Written 10-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2022
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Thank you so much, Charles, for taking time to read my story. I can't imagine reading about a boy meets girl in a bar as anyone's genre choice, but I'm glad I could keep you reading throughout. LOL. From silly boy, to silly old man reminiscing. I appreciate your kind words and generous review.
Comment from Judy Lawless
Ric, your romantic side is really showing in this story. Very well done, with poetry thrown in for good measure. I like it.
A couple of suggestions though. I know you like bare-minimum sentences, but: : "Almost to the parking lot, she rushed outside and spoke loudly. "Hey--so, you're going to leave without even speaking?" - the way this is written, it sounds like she was almost to the parking lot, but that doesn't make sense. I think you need to show it was the narrator who was almost to the parking lot. Maybe: I was almost to the parking lot when she..."
This is another one: "And then, happy to find you . . ., you walked out, drawers in a wad, before I could explain." - again, the wrong subject. Perhaps something like this: "I was happy to find you..., and then you walked out..."
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2022
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Ric, your romantic side is really showing in this story. Very well done, with poetry thrown in for good measure. I like it.
A couple of suggestions though. I know you like bare-minimum sentences, but: : "Almost to the parking lot, she rushed outside and spoke loudly. "Hey--so, you're going to leave without even speaking?" - the way this is written, it sounds like she was almost to the parking lot, but that doesn't make sense. I think you need to show it was the narrator who was almost to the parking lot. Maybe: I was almost to the parking lot when she..."
This is another one: "And then, happy to find you . . ., you walked out, drawers in a wad, before I could explain." - again, the wrong subject. Perhaps something like this: "I was happy to find you..., and then you walked out..."
Comment Written 10-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2022
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Thank you so much for your kind words, suggestions, and generous review. I'll make both of the changes that you've suggested and I appreciate you bringing them to my attention. You and I just look at things differently, I think, but I'm sure you are right. "Almost to the parking lot, she rushed outside and spoke loudly," to me is self explanatory since if she just rushed out and spoke loudly, she couldn't have been almost to the parking lot. Therefore, I save the extra words. Same way to me in the other sentence. If I was the one who walked out . . . then I couldn't have been the one happy to find you. I find both sentences redundant to say more. But, since you are such a sweetheart and feel I need the name tags, consider it done. LOL. I appreciate YOU!
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You make me laugh, Ric! It's up to you how you want to write. I'm just telling you what the proper way is so your readers aren't confused. Was there a word limit on this? lol You're most welcome. Hugs
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NO, there wasn't any word limit. LOL. But I just like to cut as many words as I can. Maybe it's another bad habit that I can add to my collection. A great big bear hug back at ya! :-)
Comment from Brett Matthew West
"The drag of a dying car battery" paints a clear picture of slowness.
Hog's breath may be better than no breath at all, but do not know if would agree when it comes to the aroma of a hog's breath.
Naming the businesses allows the scene to be better visualized.
Certainly a colorful West Coast get-up worn.
The fake heart attack scene comical.
Too bad you never got the chance to see what would have happened in 2020.
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2022
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"The drag of a dying car battery" paints a clear picture of slowness.
Hog's breath may be better than no breath at all, but do not know if would agree when it comes to the aroma of a hog's breath.
Naming the businesses allows the scene to be better visualized.
Certainly a colorful West Coast get-up worn.
The fake heart attack scene comical.
Too bad you never got the chance to see what would have happened in 2020.
Comment Written 10-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2022
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Thank you so much, Brett, for your extra special six-star review and kind words. There is more truth in this fictionalized story than I care to admit, but as always, I'm just the crazy old boy doing the unpredictable and unexplainable. LOL. I just wanted to get out of my comfort zone and write something different. And I like to think it sort of is. I hope you liked it. I appreciate YOU!
Comment from rockinm76233
Such sadness, I can tell she left you with many memories etc. Hopefully, you met someone later who replaced your lost love, and hope you found happiness.
I hope life's going well for you. It's so dry here we are choking to death.
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2022
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Such sadness, I can tell she left you with many memories etc. Hopefully, you met someone later who replaced your lost love, and hope you found happiness.
I hope life's going well for you. It's so dry here we are choking to death.
Comment Written 10-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2022
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Thank you so much, J.R, for you kind words and generous review. I just wanted to get out of my comfort zone and do something different. But no matter what I do, I'm still the crazy old unpredictable cuss. I've sure missed your stories and seeing you around. Just hope everything else is good besides the dry weather. You all have had a rough year of hot and stormy, so it's probably expected to be dry through the fall. LOL. Hope all is well in your world!
Comment from karenina
The six is because you've been holding out on us...
Poetic flair, sir! Alliterative and a perfectly unique way to usher in your fiction(ish) tale and to poignantly close it out.
A nice changeup from your last action packed
multi-chapter novelette!
Your softer side remains complete with wry wit and the corniest fake heart attack ever!
(Women love that stuff, believe me!)
Good for you for not revealing which parts are non-fiction...
I sense a bittersweet longing, so I feel that long relationship dove in and out over decades!
Really enjoyed this, Ric!
Karenina
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2022
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The six is because you've been holding out on us...
Poetic flair, sir! Alliterative and a perfectly unique way to usher in your fiction(ish) tale and to poignantly close it out.
A nice changeup from your last action packed
multi-chapter novelette!
Your softer side remains complete with wry wit and the corniest fake heart attack ever!
(Women love that stuff, believe me!)
Good for you for not revealing which parts are non-fiction...
I sense a bittersweet longing, so I feel that long relationship dove in and out over decades!
Really enjoyed this, Ric!
Karenina
Comment Written 10-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2022
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Thank you so much, Karenina, for your extra special six-star review and kind words. I just wanted to do something different, outside my comfort zone, and give readers a break from my action foolishness. Of course, there was plenty of foolishness in this one too, but that's just me. All I'll say is: my outfit and the stunt I pulled to meet the girl were real. LOL. I appreciate another of your encouraging reviews, but most of all, I appreciate YOU!
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Back at you!