Comment from barbara.wilkey

Excellent

It's sad when doctors who are supposed to help people are the predators. Unfortunately, it does happen. Thank you for sharing this contest entry with us. I enjoyed reading; it was well written. Good luck with the contest.

 Comment Written 05-Jun-2022

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reply by the author on 05-Jun-2022

Thank you, Barbara :-). I do love a game of 'who's the crazy one?' I enjoyed visualising this as I was writing.

Mike

Comment from amahra

Exceptional

This was fabulous. You had me going, and then really got me at the end. Only one little thing I'd like to suggest Below:

I don't think his assistant would call him Darren. What about, ["Okay, Doc. I'll get it done."] Then end it with... ["Dr. Darren Gosford adjusted his glasses and leaned back in his chair."] Or something of that nature. But I really enjoyed it.

 Comment Written 05-Jun-2022

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reply by the author on 05-Jun-2022

Ah, thanks for the awesome review :-). I see your point about the ending reveal, although I wanted it in dialogue of possible as it's a script. I'll have a think.

Mike

reply by amahra on 05-Jun-2022

Oh, ok, dialogue. Cool. How about the phone rings and someone outside his profession, wife, mom, golf buddy, he answers and they say, "Darren blah, blah, blah..."

Comment from royowen

Excellent

Well done Mike, you are becoming quite the versatile writer my friend, this is a great script, and you've written it in a such a Cool way, with the face slapping girl, and the poor protesting youth, constantly claiming innocence, well done, blessings Roy

 Comment Written 05-Jun-2022

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reply by the author on 05-Jun-2022

Thanks, Roy :-). Back in my 2008-10 years on Fanstory, I wrote quite a few scripts but never developed a passion for them (I loved descriptive language too much!). It's definitely time I have another go at it, though.

Mike

reply by royowen on 05-Jun-2022

You did ell, in a very difficult format, One learns to write what isn't said, well done.

Comment from Wayne Fowler

Excellent

Well written. Good work.
Darren is either a very bad man, or Jenny is more messed up than you let on. We don't know (which is very good writing)
Best wishes.

 Comment Written 05-Jun-2022

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reply by the author on 05-Jun-2022

Thanks, Wayne :-). I liked the idea of a twist ending that still doesn't actually say either way, but gives us a focus for Jenny's actions.

Mike

Comment from cat frenette

Excellent

Wow Mike!
I loved this script. You created the scene clearly, and could visualize the dark, creepy space and the characters fear.
It was fascinating to watch Jenny's decent into madness only to find out that she was actually led there. Well done.

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 Comment Written 05-Jun-2022

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reply by the author on 05-Jun-2022

Thank you, Cat :-). I do love a story where you're not sure who the 'baddie' is and there's always room for some moral manoeuvring!

Mike

Comment from karenina

Excellent

Damn! This is scary good.

I quiver to think of the thousands of Jennys...not believed, scant memories in fractured psyches, slapping, swatting madly at the wavering faces.

Always one hand in reality and the other in a straight jacket of "It was your fault" -- or "You wanted it" or You're delusional!"

Don't trust the doctors...

Pin the tail on the psychopath!

Spoiler alert.
It's not Jenny!

Bravo.

Karenina



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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 05-Jun-2022

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reply by the author on 05-Jun-2022

Thank you :-). I started this out with the idea of the switching faces of the victims/perps as they got slapped. I actually only thought of the twist (that the Doctor/'voice of reason' is Darren) when I was half way through and that seemed like a neat way to show us Jenny isn't just mad - she's been driven that way.

I'm afraid you got there before I'd put the promotion on! I always do a read through to make sure FS hasn't messed with the formatting too much before I add it.

Mike

reply by karenina on 05-Jun-2022

I rarely look at how much something is paying out... (I know! Crazy!)

I take my profit in rich writing!

:)