Streets of Cincinnati
Violence in the city49 total reviews
Comment from estory
The disintegration of society really comes through in this post, and we also see the roots of this disintegration; the disintegration of the family. The kids swirl out of the family block as if from centrifugal force, and end up as pimps and drug dealers. You have some really graphically detailed images of that needle strewn park, the empty liquor bottles in the bushes that make the horror of the night before come alive. estory
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2021
  |
The disintegration of society really comes through in this post, and we also see the roots of this disintegration; the disintegration of the family. The kids swirl out of the family block as if from centrifugal force, and end up as pimps and drug dealers. You have some really graphically detailed images of that needle strewn park, the empty liquor bottles in the bushes that make the horror of the night before come alive. estory
Comment Written 11-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2021
-
Yes, this is a sad and depressing story that isn't fun to read, but it's a story that needs to be told. And not by those using the tragedies as political rhetoric to gain votes. You are so right that the answers begin with parents and children's teachings at a early age. I hate this story, and it's way outside my comfort zone. But I'm glad you are one who gets what I'm trying to say. Thank you so much for your understanding and generous review. I appreciate you spending time to read my unpleasant story. Thanks again!
Comment from RPSaxena
Hello Ric,
In the light of Author Note and Word Meanings, MARVELOUS piece of General Fiction!
IMPRESSIVE and PERFECTLY matching the theme phraseology; Smooth and captivating flow throughout from the beginning to the end; LIVE DESCRIPTION of persons, places, scenes and situations.
Its theme, and Presentation - SUPERB.
The last sentence is particularly noteworthy.
LAUDABLE in all respects!!
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2021
 |
Hello Ric,
In the light of Author Note and Word Meanings, MARVELOUS piece of General Fiction!
IMPRESSIVE and PERFECTLY matching the theme phraseology; Smooth and captivating flow throughout from the beginning to the end; LIVE DESCRIPTION of persons, places, scenes and situations.
Its theme, and Presentation - SUPERB.
The last sentence is particularly noteworthy.
LAUDABLE in all respects!!
Comment Written 11-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2021
-
Hello, RP,
I was hesitant to write such a sad and depressing piece. The situation getting worse around the country (world) and no one offering any answers other than political rhetoric to gain votes. Transition begins with parents, early childhood teachings, and a basic understanding of right, wrong, and morals. Then, people must be held responsible for their own actions no matter what: color, race, gender, nationality, or position in life. Our actions are not someone else's fault, and we have total responsibility as human beings. I can't thank you enough for another of your magnificent reviews. Your encouragement and eloquent praise has been a great motivator to keep me writing and trying to improve my craft. And with still miles to go, who knows, maybe someday, if time doesn't run out, my vocabulary and wordsmithing skillset will be a fraction of yours. One can only hope. Thanks again, RP. I appreciate YOU! Oh, and sorry for the novella. :-)
-
Hi Ric, Most Welcome!
As a matter of fact, there is a dearth of so good and frank writers nowadays because of too much nuisance caused by politicians and greedy media.
Keep writing! I HEARTILY enjoy whether it's prose or verse, and learn a lot also.
Dear Friend, you ACTUALLY deserve all this!!
With best wishes,
~ RP
Comment from justafan
How utterly sad but true, this is the way our world is going. Down the rabbit hole as it were, where things we never thought possible exist.
Just this past weekend, I read where there were over 100 deaths in Chicago from gun violence.
As a southern woman and patriot, I fully believe in the 2nd amendment and I carry. To try and blame guns on the violence is a stupid and dangerous thing. It's a people problem and that problem starts at home.
This was put together brilliantly and I saw this scene and heard the mothers scream as if I were there.
Well done.
Always
Justafan of yours
Missy
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2021
|
How utterly sad but true, this is the way our world is going. Down the rabbit hole as it were, where things we never thought possible exist.
Just this past weekend, I read where there were over 100 deaths in Chicago from gun violence.
As a southern woman and patriot, I fully believe in the 2nd amendment and I carry. To try and blame guns on the violence is a stupid and dangerous thing. It's a people problem and that problem starts at home.
This was put together brilliantly and I saw this scene and heard the mothers scream as if I were there.
Well done.
Always
Justafan of yours
Missy
Comment Written 10-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2021
-
Thank you so much, Missy, for this outstanding review and the shiny stars. I agree with you wholeheartedly on everything that you've written. I saw where a female police officer was killed and her partner is in intensive care in Chicago. They did everything by the books when they pulled over two black males, and they still got shot. Where and how does it stop? I have a gun within reach wherever I am, and I promise I can handle any altercation with only my hands. But now days, it's not going to be a fight. The cowards ambush with guns blazing, and have no regard for human life at any age or gender. I appreciate the six stars, but most of all, your kindness and encouragement! I appreciate YOU!
-
Backatcha :)
Comment from Sally Law
I apologize for no six. This is disturbing and heartbreaking. The has become all too common especially in cities where the leadership is lacking and police are afraid they'll be sensationalized if something goes nuts like it did with George Floyd.
One cop, a beautiful young lady, was killed two days ago in Chicago for pulling over two black men in a car. It was done by the book and she and her partner were shot. The two men were gang members. She's dead; and her partner is in ICU. None of this is sensationalized. Cops need to be able able to do their jobs. They're having trouble with the current culture of madness and leaders who refuse to address these issues. Fentanyl, crystal meth, and OxyContin pour over our southern borders. I'm over this administration that lets these drug runners have a field day at our expense and the little children robbed of a decent childhood.
Thank you for sharing,
Sal XOs
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2021
|
I apologize for no six. This is disturbing and heartbreaking. The has become all too common especially in cities where the leadership is lacking and police are afraid they'll be sensationalized if something goes nuts like it did with George Floyd.
One cop, a beautiful young lady, was killed two days ago in Chicago for pulling over two black men in a car. It was done by the book and she and her partner were shot. The two men were gang members. She's dead; and her partner is in ICU. None of this is sensationalized. Cops need to be able able to do their jobs. They're having trouble with the current culture of madness and leaders who refuse to address these issues. Fentanyl, crystal meth, and OxyContin pour over our southern borders. I'm over this administration that lets these drug runners have a field day at our expense and the little children robbed of a decent childhood.
Thank you for sharing,
Sal XOs
Comment Written 10-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2021
-
Sally, my dear, I totally agree with every word you have said. I know we have bad cops, just like bad everything else. But since when does a cracked-out person slipping fake bills, who becomes belligerent and resists arrest, and who is big and strong enough to take four officers to contain him, not have any responsibility for his own actions??? Instead, we give his family 12 million dollars of taxpayers hard-earned money and make him a hero, a martyr for all the other dope-head thugs on the streets. We better stand behind our police departments, because once we don't have them, everyone, even the criminals will realize they are fair game. Sorry about the novel, but you hit a touchy subject. LOL. Thanks for the kind and generous review. I appreciate YOU!
Comment from Laurie Holding
You paint a scene here with professional confidence, and I admire the way you describe street life. I'm not sure about the first person presentation in the first part of your piece, followed by the third person story in the last half, but if viewed as intentional city "traffic", if you will, deliberate "busyness" married to the confusion of alcohol and drugs, this is a really well-crafted work. Nicely done!
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2021
|
You paint a scene here with professional confidence, and I admire the way you describe street life. I'm not sure about the first person presentation in the first part of your piece, followed by the third person story in the last half, but if viewed as intentional city "traffic", if you will, deliberate "busyness" married to the confusion of alcohol and drugs, this is a really well-crafted work. Nicely done!
Comment Written 10-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2021
-
Thank you so much, Laurie, for your kind words and generous review. This isn't a very likeable story, with more truth in it than I care to admit. Yes, I coupled the first person with the 3rd person for effect, just like the simple bait and switch describing the rising sun to lull readers into thinking it was going to be a normal story. But, since I'm not normal, how could my story be. LOL. I appreciate your kindness and encouragement! :-)
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
What a devastating story, Ric, that poor boy, only 14 who looked after his little sister, and he gets shot? You say that is life in Cincinnati, goodness me! You have written this with such vivid imagery, I could see everything unfold as if I was there watching. It makes my home town seem like fairyland. You are a fabulously talented writer, my friend, I would have given this a six if I had one left. Well done!! :) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2021
|
What a devastating story, Ric, that poor boy, only 14 who looked after his little sister, and he gets shot? You say that is life in Cincinnati, goodness me! You have written this with such vivid imagery, I could see everything unfold as if I was there watching. It makes my home town seem like fairyland. You are a fabulously talented writer, my friend, I would have given this a six if I had one left. Well done!! :) Sandra xx
Comment Written 10-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2021
-
Thank you so much, Sandra, for your kind words and generous review. This isn't one of those stories we like or enjoy, but one I think needs to be told. Yes, and a five and seven year-old were shot last summer. Now days, there seems to be no regard for human life at any age. Heartbreaking. Now I'll get back to writing the silly stuff. Thanks again for reading. I appreciate YOU!
Comment from AJ McCall
Dannnng. I wasn't expecting that. And you're right, violence can happen anywhere. It's so sad though to see such a young life or any life be taken like that. It's truly heartbreaking. Every place has its...downside, no matter how pretty or nice. (And let's be honest, this usually happens in low-income areas, or projects where black and brown people live.) A very real post...
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2021
|
Dannnng. I wasn't expecting that. And you're right, violence can happen anywhere. It's so sad though to see such a young life or any life be taken like that. It's truly heartbreaking. Every place has its...downside, no matter how pretty or nice. (And let's be honest, this usually happens in low-income areas, or projects where black and brown people live.) A very real post...
Comment Written 10-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2021
-
Thank you so much, A.J., for your extra-special six-star review for a story that's anything but fun to read and way outside my comfort zone. Sadly, people live this life every day. And not just black and brown people as the media would have you believe. I grew up on those streets with blacks, browns, and whites fighting my way home every day. Some of my life's closest friends, those still alive, live in those areas, which I visit and am still accepted with open arms. But it's different now. There is no regard for human life at any age. Like the 5, 7, 10, and 14 year-olds killed over the summer. I hope you're having a wonderful summer, and the untypical rains have finally stopped to let you outside. Thanks again for reading. I appreciate YOU!
-
You're welcome, and wow. I'm glad those people you know still call you a friend. Violence has no age-limit. And concerning the weather, I wish I did rain a bit more, IT"S SO DRY< FLAT AND UGLY OVER HERE! LOL.
Comment from amahra
Very interesting writing, Ric.
You labeled this, "General Fiction," but I live in a city where it is all too real. My nephew--a victim of street violence at 17 by a 20-year-old who was paroled after being incarcerated for shooting another teen and putting him in a wheelchair.
a lame-duck mother who just wanted to be accepted somewhere . . . anywhere. [I liked this line.]
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2021
|
Very interesting writing, Ric.
You labeled this, "General Fiction," but I live in a city where it is all too real. My nephew--a victim of street violence at 17 by a 20-year-old who was paroled after being incarcerated for shooting another teen and putting him in a wheelchair.
a lame-duck mother who just wanted to be accepted somewhere . . . anywhere. [I liked this line.]
Comment Written 10-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2021
-
Thank you so much, Amahra, for taking time to read this unpleasant story and your generous review. I'm so sorry about your nephew. It's out of control and nobody seems to care or be willing to do anything but use their rhetoric to obtain votes. This all started with the first line after a rare visit to the park where I saw the girl and sat down on a bloody park bench without noticing. Much appreciated!
-
Thank you for your condolence.
Comment from Dortmunder
Hello author,
Solid read. Devastating and entirely terrible. American exceptionalism at its finest, huh? A completely failed war on drugs coupled with a gun culture the likes of which unmatched in the world. Unchecked capitalism & greed has left America on fire, both literally & figuratively...
A few things I noted while reading your short story:
1) And the creeping sun flashed between branches to showcase glistening leaves covered in early-morning dew. - this sentence strikes me as excessive exposition. "to showcase" suggests the sun has a sentient purpose. It's subtle, but it hit me as odd. Not sure how to fix it, but I'm also not sure it's necessary to the story. I understand you're describing the night & day differences of the park, but this seems a bit much for a guy who just woke up on a park bench with blood on him...a broken nose...?
Birds sung. - Birds sang.
The city park, a children's playground, seemingly so peaceful. - I think it reads better as, a seemingly peaceful place.
But scattered liquor bottles, beer cans, and clusters of drug paraphernalia, littered conflicting signs of the previous evening's disparaging events. - more unnecessary exposition, in my opinion. I suggest some restraint and paring this down to something that intrigues and allows for reader imagination, like: ...and clusters of drug paraphernalia tell a much different story.
lying eyes fail or refuse to see or admit. - too wordy and passive. How about: vacant eyes fail to acknowledge.
Beemer's, Mercedes, or Escalades with 22" rims, and wearing gaudy agglomerations of sparkling neck and wrist bling. - your love of writing is clear, however, are the high-rollers limited to just those three vehicle brands? What if you morphed it into being more about the person(s) you're describing than about the cars: Customized luxury rides, gold rope chains, diamond wristbands, gold-capped teeth - these fools flashed their hood-wealth like Mr. Rogers flashed cardigans.... Agglomerations is a fancy word, but not easy to read - I'd lose it.
First one up, Ghalen sat eating a overload of sugary goodness: pop-tarts, and a bowl of cereal. The house quiet. His mother's and auntie Shontel's bed empty, - "First one up," why is this here? I'd nix it. Start with just Ghalen sat eating a(N) overload.... Also, you're intimating that his mom is gay, right? Not sure that's necessary to the story. I get that you're slipping in some texture to match today's wider acceptance, but it seems a bit clumsy here. To me, her love life is immaterial to the story.
Try just: His mom's bed empty, despite the club having closed hours ago.
a reeved motor and squealing tires caused them to stop and turn sharply. - revved.
Blinded by a deluge of tears she collapsed to her knees on the concrete. - tears don't typically blind, and deluge is hyperbolic. How about: Wracked by tears and rage she collapsed to the concrete next to her son.
Violence in America is out of control. I wish you the best of luck in shining more light on the topic. I'm going 4 stars on this piece; it is good, but I found many parts distracting with extraneous telling.
Shoot me a note after some edits - should you wish it - I'd enjoy a re-read.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2021
 |
Hello author,
Solid read. Devastating and entirely terrible. American exceptionalism at its finest, huh? A completely failed war on drugs coupled with a gun culture the likes of which unmatched in the world. Unchecked capitalism & greed has left America on fire, both literally & figuratively...
A few things I noted while reading your short story:
1) And the creeping sun flashed between branches to showcase glistening leaves covered in early-morning dew. - this sentence strikes me as excessive exposition. "to showcase" suggests the sun has a sentient purpose. It's subtle, but it hit me as odd. Not sure how to fix it, but I'm also not sure it's necessary to the story. I understand you're describing the night & day differences of the park, but this seems a bit much for a guy who just woke up on a park bench with blood on him...a broken nose...?
Birds sung. - Birds sang.
The city park, a children's playground, seemingly so peaceful. - I think it reads better as, a seemingly peaceful place.
But scattered liquor bottles, beer cans, and clusters of drug paraphernalia, littered conflicting signs of the previous evening's disparaging events. - more unnecessary exposition, in my opinion. I suggest some restraint and paring this down to something that intrigues and allows for reader imagination, like: ...and clusters of drug paraphernalia tell a much different story.
lying eyes fail or refuse to see or admit. - too wordy and passive. How about: vacant eyes fail to acknowledge.
Beemer's, Mercedes, or Escalades with 22" rims, and wearing gaudy agglomerations of sparkling neck and wrist bling. - your love of writing is clear, however, are the high-rollers limited to just those three vehicle brands? What if you morphed it into being more about the person(s) you're describing than about the cars: Customized luxury rides, gold rope chains, diamond wristbands, gold-capped teeth - these fools flashed their hood-wealth like Mr. Rogers flashed cardigans.... Agglomerations is a fancy word, but not easy to read - I'd lose it.
First one up, Ghalen sat eating a overload of sugary goodness: pop-tarts, and a bowl of cereal. The house quiet. His mother's and auntie Shontel's bed empty, - "First one up," why is this here? I'd nix it. Start with just Ghalen sat eating a(N) overload.... Also, you're intimating that his mom is gay, right? Not sure that's necessary to the story. I get that you're slipping in some texture to match today's wider acceptance, but it seems a bit clumsy here. To me, her love life is immaterial to the story.
Try just: His mom's bed empty, despite the club having closed hours ago.
a reeved motor and squealing tires caused them to stop and turn sharply. - revved.
Blinded by a deluge of tears she collapsed to her knees on the concrete. - tears don't typically blind, and deluge is hyperbolic. How about: Wracked by tears and rage she collapsed to the concrete next to her son.
Violence in America is out of control. I wish you the best of luck in shining more light on the topic. I'm going 4 stars on this piece; it is good, but I found many parts distracting with extraneous telling.
Shoot me a note after some edits - should you wish it - I'd enjoy a re-read.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2021
-
Thanks for taking time to read my story, share your opinions, the time you spent, and your efforts to be helpful. You have offered some outstanding advice and I will gladly use some of it. But there are other extraneous telling spots that are there for a reason, but not likely to be understood by those other than the ones who live it every day. Like: showing the mother and the aunt share the same bed for lack of space or other; lying eyes that fail or refuse to see or admit (giving reference to neighbors who don't see, refuse and look the other way, and those who won't admit they saw anything, so the police can get a description and make an arrest.) The creeping sun line was a simple bait and switch to make readers think everything was going back to normal, then it doesn't. The guy didn't wake up on the bench. He was me, and I sat down on the park bench before noticing blood everywhere. As for the boy's mother, she may have been wracked, but I don't think any mother has time to feel rage when she witnesses her son murdered. And I'm not sure unless we've been there, that anyone of us can describe the feelings she felt, so I didn't, and left it with lots of tears and fell on her knees. Anyway, I won't bore you with more explanations. I sincerely appreciate all your help and suggestions!
-
Back atcha, Ric! I too appreciate the time it takes to write a thoughtful reply. Hope we run into each other again! Have a peaceful day, my friend.
-
Have a great week, Dortmunder! And thanks again.
Comment from NABattaglia
Well-written and very easy to follow, the flow and tone is well, and overall an interesting topic. I particularly like the word meanings and the explanations, which I know are not part of the story, but add a little extra to it in a manner that your personality comes out a little. It makes it interesting and almost fun, even though it is not necessarily a fun topic--you added something extra to it that made a tough topic more digestible.
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2021
|
Well-written and very easy to follow, the flow and tone is well, and overall an interesting topic. I particularly like the word meanings and the explanations, which I know are not part of the story, but add a little extra to it in a manner that your personality comes out a little. It makes it interesting and almost fun, even though it is not necessarily a fun topic--you added something extra to it that made a tough topic more digestible.
Comment Written 10-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2021
-
Thank you so much, NA, for your kind words and generous review. But most of all, I like it when a reader gets what I'm trying to say and do with a story. Which can be hard sometimes with me. LOL. I appreciate your encouragement and kindness!