Fire Escape Part Two
Arly steps up for Evie13 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Thanks to your prologue section, I remember reading the first instalment.
"Not a baby, Mommy. - need closing speech marks here.
"I like to keep you on your toes." Niki laughed and blew dark smoke rings in her direction.
"Katia, we can't continue with this. We've waited too long."
- the second piece of dialogue here could run straight after the narrative.
petty crime?" She said peevishly - following speech tags should be lower case unless a proper noun or name. (there are more instances of this)
His days old growth - need an apostrophe for days. day's if one day's worth or days' if more than that.
"Your bath is ready; I put in the bath salts you like so much." - there's a lack of movement in this piece. The last description we are given is that they are in the living room and they never appear to move from there, so when did / how did she run his bath?
She planned to be the the recipient - delete the repetition of 'the' here.
He says he will block any attempt by you to adopt my daughter! - need closing speech marks here.
They'd decided not to inform her that Seth was on the line. - this is highly illegal and as such would never be able to be used in any investigation or as evidence in any way.
The conference call felt a little pointless given she hung up almost immediately afterwards.
Some nice developments in here. Although Kalyna will need to be very astute given her fella's condition...
All the best
GMG
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reply by the author on 09-May-2018
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Hi there,
Thanks to your prologue section, I remember reading the first instalment.
"Not a baby, Mommy. - need closing speech marks here.
"I like to keep you on your toes." Niki laughed and blew dark smoke rings in her direction.
"Katia, we can't continue with this. We've waited too long."
- the second piece of dialogue here could run straight after the narrative.
petty crime?" She said peevishly - following speech tags should be lower case unless a proper noun or name. (there are more instances of this)
His days old growth - need an apostrophe for days. day's if one day's worth or days' if more than that.
"Your bath is ready; I put in the bath salts you like so much." - there's a lack of movement in this piece. The last description we are given is that they are in the living room and they never appear to move from there, so when did / how did she run his bath?
She planned to be the the recipient - delete the repetition of 'the' here.
He says he will block any attempt by you to adopt my daughter! - need closing speech marks here.
They'd decided not to inform her that Seth was on the line. - this is highly illegal and as such would never be able to be used in any investigation or as evidence in any way.
The conference call felt a little pointless given she hung up almost immediately afterwards.
Some nice developments in here. Although Kalyna will need to be very astute given her fella's condition...
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-May-2018
reply by the author on 09-May-2018
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Thank you for your review. It's back to the old
drawing board
Comment from Swampfox1
It starts off pretty good and somehow gets messy and all sort of kidnapping garbage and extortion stuff that simply messes up the whole story. then the killer when Nikki reveals she doesn't like children, oh wow. It is well written, the words do flow so so but I did not find any errors.
reply by the author on 06-May-2018
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It starts off pretty good and somehow gets messy and all sort of kidnapping garbage and extortion stuff that simply messes up the whole story. then the killer when Nikki reveals she doesn't like children, oh wow. It is well written, the words do flow so so but I did not find any errors.
Comment Written 06-May-2018
reply by the author on 06-May-2018
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Thanks for your review and rating. Kalyna was actually the one who didn't like children and Nikita was the one looking for a mother figure. This is why she could leave her daughter, Evie, for three years and try to extort money from Arly and Natalie.
Sandollar
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You're welcome and thanks for the explanation.
Comment from Phillip C Kuhn
I think that the amount of tension that was there was just right, the dialogue was believable and everything was worded well, it held my interest the whole time, so good job.
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reply by the author on 06-May-2018
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I think that the amount of tension that was there was just right, the dialogue was believable and everything was worded well, it held my interest the whole time, so good job.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-May-2018
reply by the author on 06-May-2018
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Thank you for the great review and rating. Very happy you enjoyed the read.
Sandollar
