Scattered Like My Thoughts
My thoughts are scattered and they're cloudy.89 total reviews
Comment from Thal1959
Perfect 5-7-5 (Haiku), Andre. Summer heatwaves bring thunderstorms. The "Satori" of the tongue awaiting raindrops, as well as the implied congealing of thoughts providing the tongue with sentient words to speak is probably the best Satori I have seen conceived; even if the work is supposed to be just a 5-7-5. You may have written the definitive Haiku.
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2017
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Perfect 5-7-5 (Haiku), Andre. Summer heatwaves bring thunderstorms. The "Satori" of the tongue awaiting raindrops, as well as the implied congealing of thoughts providing the tongue with sentient words to speak is probably the best Satori I have seen conceived; even if the work is supposed to be just a 5-7-5. You may have written the definitive Haiku.
Comment Written 27-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2017
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Oh, thank you, Thal1959, for your generous, six star review of my definitive, perfect 5-7-5 (Haiku). I appreciate it.
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It is always my pleasure, to read your work, Andre.
Comment from Pquack
A delight as always SIS CAT! This is a wonderful display of the 5-7-5 format and even though it makes for a short read, there is impact and that is not easy to do. Very nicely written and paints a beautiful picture of those moments when we are lost in our thoughts or maybe not so chained to thought but instead free from it. Very nicely done sir. Please, write on!
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2017
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A delight as always SIS CAT! This is a wonderful display of the 5-7-5 format and even though it makes for a short read, there is impact and that is not easy to do. Very nicely written and paints a beautiful picture of those moments when we are lost in our thoughts or maybe not so chained to thought but instead free from it. Very nicely done sir. Please, write on!
Comment Written 27-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2017
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Thank you, Pquack, for your generous, six star review. It thrills me. I will write on!
Comment from kathleenspalding
Very cool, in spite of the heatwave, five - seven - five poem. Last line ties it up so well! Excellent choice of artwork, colors, and words. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2017
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Very cool, in spite of the heatwave, five - seven - five poem. Last line ties it up so well! Excellent choice of artwork, colors, and words. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 27-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2017
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Oh, thank you, Kathleen, for your encouraging review. When I stepped outside my door one morning during a heatwave to walk my dog before it got too hot, I was struck by the sight of these promising, scattered clouds. I took this picture on my iPhone and proceeded to compose my poem on my phone while I walked. By the time I returned home, I had completed this poem. Thank you also for wishing me well in the contest.
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You're welcome. I get most of my writing thoughts while walking my dog, too. :-)
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Yes, me, too! I have a dozen poems in my portfolio based upon inspiration I found while walking my dog.
Comment from Bill Schott
This 5-7-5, Scattered Like My Thoughts, has the seventeen syllables set up correctly and projects the image of the fragmented processing of new ideas that are anticipated and assumed to be inspiring and fulfilling. Nice poem.
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2017
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This 5-7-5, Scattered Like My Thoughts, has the seventeen syllables set up correctly and projects the image of the fragmented processing of new ideas that are anticipated and assumed to be inspiring and fulfilling. Nice poem.
Comment Written 27-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2017
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Oh, thank you, Bill, for your encouraging review. I appreciate it. I processed the new idea for my poem when I focused my scattered thoughts.
Comment from Jay Squires
Your 5-7-5s are masterful through your use of inversion of your subject, clouds, dropped down into the second line. Your first line's simile comparing scattered thoughts to the second-line subject. And the last line ties into the second with the anticipation of the first raindrops on the tongue ... as promised by the clouds.
I'm no real judge of poetry, but I have seen a consistent improvement in your 5-7-5s over the last year or so.
Good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2017
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Your 5-7-5s are masterful through your use of inversion of your subject, clouds, dropped down into the second line. Your first line's simile comparing scattered thoughts to the second-line subject. And the last line ties into the second with the anticipation of the first raindrops on the tongue ... as promised by the clouds.
I'm no real judge of poetry, but I have seen a consistent improvement in your 5-7-5s over the last year or so.
Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 27-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2017
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Oh, thank you, Jay, for your generous, six star review, and for wishing me the best in the contest. Thanks also for your compliments on the consistent improvement of my poetry.
I have began reviewing your response to my comments on your script, and will tackle some more this week. I am also trying to learn this Google Docs which has revolutionized the way we shared, edit, and provide feedback on writings.
Another development, is that all of this talk about plays have whetted my appetite to write a one-act play. I commenced this morning by creating a reading list which includes Chekhov's "The Bear" all the way to Andrew Bliss' one act plays of today. Given how many plays I have seen and how many stories I have performed, I believe that it is within my grasp to write one.
In reading over those a Bliss sample script, I thought about your Mayree character in Act 2. She has no speaking lines and leaves early. Given that Harry and Zac talk about her in her absence could you eliminate her appearance at the beginning of the scene? Perhaps have Zac find an article of her clothing lying around, whistle, and say, "Who's this?" At that point, Harry would talk about her. You need to keep the focus on these two men and their relationship. That drives the act.
Once again, thank you for your review and I look forward to reviewing your comments on my comments.
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I'm thrilled you're gonna jump into a one-act play. I would agree with you about Mayree's absence if Act II were a one act play, as you suggested. But she is now mentioned in act one and has a huge part of Act III, scene 2. I think when you see them consecutively, in their entirety, you'll agree with me. Your note is kept, though, if I get rejected on the three act, and begin to work on part II as the one act possibility.
You mentioned listening to Dylan Thomas. If you haven't done it before google his recording of "A Child's Christmas in Wales." NOt just is his voice grand, but I consider the story to be one of the finest short stories in the English Language
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Thanks, Jay, I listened to "A child's Christmas in Wales" once and will listen to it again.
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I read it aloud in an interpretive reading class, trying to follow Dylan's accent, and it went over quite well. I even considered reprising my "role," dressed in the Dylan Thomas clothing (Think the Mark Twain readings), and perform for local groups. I was young then, and I chickened out.
Comment from Melissa Anderson
This is very descriptive. I love the picture you chose to go with the poem. I'm glad I'm not the only one whose thoughts are scattered. I think many of us who are creative have scattered thoughts that eventually become poetry.
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2017
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This is very descriptive. I love the picture you chose to go with the poem. I'm glad I'm not the only one whose thoughts are scattered. I think many of us who are creative have scattered thoughts that eventually become poetry.
Comment Written 26-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2017
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Oh, thank you, Melissa, for your review. When I stepped outside one morning during a heatwave to walk my dog before it got too hot, I was struck by the sight of these scattered clouds overhead with their promise of rain and relief. Not only did I focus my iPhone camera on them, but I focused my thoughts. By the time we returned from our walk, I had finished composing my poem.
Comment from pipersfancy
Your poem has a very sensory component to it, which I appreciate. The oppressive heat, difficult to think straight, waiting for Mother Nature to provide a remedy in the form of a cloudburst... Oh - I love this weather!
pf
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2017
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Your poem has a very sensory component to it, which I appreciate. The oppressive heat, difficult to think straight, waiting for Mother Nature to provide a remedy in the form of a cloudburst... Oh - I love this weather!
pf
Comment Written 26-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2017
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Oh, thank you, PF, for your joyous review. When I stepped outside one morning during a heatwave to walk my dog before it got too hot, I was struck by the sight of these scattered clouds overhead with their promise of rain and relief. Not only did I focus my iPhone camera on them, but I focused my thoughts. By the time we returned from our walk, I had finished composing my poem.
Comment from lyenochka
Really like the first line, Andre! The poem starts with the sky and thoughts and then it progresses to tell us about the heat wave (the floods have been forgotten!) and the cute last line shows the anticipation of the rains.
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2017
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Really like the first line, Andre! The poem starts with the sky and thoughts and then it progresses to tell us about the heat wave (the floods have been forgotten!) and the cute last line shows the anticipation of the rains.
Comment Written 26-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2017
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Oh, thank you, lyenochka, for your review. Yes, the winter floods have been forgotten in this heatwave that at least provides very dry weather for construction crews to repair washed out roads and bridges. Thanks.
Comment from Irish Rain
Yes!!! Let it rain til I need an ark. If there HAS to be summer...let there be storms, lightning, thunder...RAIN!!! LOVE your 5-7-5, blessings....
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2017
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Yes!!! Let it rain til I need an ark. If there HAS to be summer...let there be storms, lightning, thunder...RAIN!!! LOVE your 5-7-5, blessings....
Comment Written 26-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2017
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Oh, thank you, Irish Rain, for your joyous, celebratory review of my 5-7-5 and summer weather and all of its phenomenon
Comment from LaRosa
This is powerful.
Your descriptive quality of words evokes huge emotion as well as physical response.
A summer heatwave prayer for rain, for relief of suffering, is all enveloped in a cloud's passing promise of hope.
And so too the emotional thought process must wait to be quenched.
Beautiful.
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2017
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This is powerful.
Your descriptive quality of words evokes huge emotion as well as physical response.
A summer heatwave prayer for rain, for relief of suffering, is all enveloped in a cloud's passing promise of hope.
And so too the emotional thought process must wait to be quenched.
Beautiful.
Comment Written 26-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2017
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Oh, thank you, LaRosa, for your generous, six star review. When I stepped outside one morning during a heatwave to walk my dog before it got too hot, I was struck by the sight of these scattered clouds overhead with their promise of rain and relief. Not only did I focus my iPhone camera on them, but I focused my thoughts. By the time we returned from our walk, I had finished composing my poem. Thanks again.
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wow, you took that pic ...it was beautiful.It amazes me, the quality of cell phone photo's these days.
And it's so cool when the mind just 'goes off' like that, isn't it?
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Yes, LaRosa, I took that picture. Two days ago I upgraded my iPhone 3 to an iPhone 7 Plus. Watch for increased quality in my pictures. I love it when the mind, and my camera, goes off.
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very nicely put!
