Comment from Spiritual Echo

Good

You have a serious flaw in the story. The plots great, but you move between present and past tense. 'There he is'...present tense...'He pulled me'...past tense.

Your last line is strange....how does one melt the night?

Transfixing, though is not theoretically incorrect, really looks strange when readers are used to the more common usage 'transfixed on'...also in past tense.

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 24-May-2015

---

reply by the author on 24-May-2015

Thank you Spiritual Echo. I will try to correct the tense. As this is my first try at this type of writing I will try to be more mindful of the construct and review this one also. I am open to any assistance and advice. Cheers Christine😊

Comment from Dean Kuch

Excellent

Yeah, that would be exciting, no doubts about it. Passion is an oft overlooked emotion these days, for whatever reasons. But, not here...here, the passion is nearly palpable. Based on your alluring, vivid descriptions, I could almost...almost...taste the sweetness of her lips.

Well done, and best of luck to you in the contest. You do flash fiction proud!
~Dean :}

 Comment Written 24-May-2015

---

reply by the author on 24-May-2015

Thank you Dean . I thought I would have a go at this style and brief, so the words just came. I had hoped to evoke the mystery of passion in a way that the reader would find it exactly as you have. Appreciate your time and kind wordsCheers Christine😀

reply by Dean Kuch on 24-May-2015

It was entirely my pleasure, Christine. You're more than welcome. ;)

~Dean

Comment from Brett Matthew West

Excellent

Typo with last word of this. Easy to follow story line. Action packed plenty in 100 short words. Descriptively written as well.

 Comment Written 24-May-2015

---

reply by the author on 24-May-2015

Thanks Brett, this is my first attempt to write something like this, so your good review is appreciated, and I will review last word. Cheers Christine😊

Comment from mfowler

Excellent

Your romantic tale is well wrapped up in 100 words. From beach attraction to passion on the sand in just a few sentences. You build the action well and the impact is excellent. You may wish to fix an issue of grammar that effects this story significantly. At this point in the story you switch from present tense (the best for an immediate feeling of action) to past which really feels odd.
He turns and his piercing blue eyes lock onto mine, our gaze transfixed to each other. It was like nothing else mattered, he signalled me to go outside, like a flash I was there.
I hope you fix it as it is a good entry and should be read and enjoyed.

 Comment Written 24-May-2015

---

reply by the author on 24-May-2015

Thank you fowler I have reviewed the poem and hope I have made the necessary corrections, being new to this format I appreciate help given. If you think it is better now can you let me know Cheers Christine😊

reply by mfowler on 24-May-2015

I've fixed the tenses here but ended up having to change a couple of words to keep it to a hundred. You hadn't changed enough when I reread it. Maybe there's a time lapse between us and I've missed your revisions. I hope this helps:
Sitting in the pub, having a drink with my girlfriends. I look up and there he is, tall, dark, handsome, my heart quickens. He turns, I see his piercing blue eyes locked into mine, we gaze, transfixing each other. It is like nothing else matters. He signals me to go outside, like a flash I was there. His silhouette is shadowed by the darkness in the night, and like a moth drawn to a candle we are together. Without a word he pulls me into his strong arms, inviting lips onto mine. With his kiss I melt, the night explodes.

reply by the author on 24-May-2015

Thanks I will make the changes enjoy you help. (off to bed it is midnight in Australia work in am) Cheers Christine

Comment from humpwhistle

Excellent

One of the banes of an aspiring writer is the cliché--
tall, dark and handsome...my heart quickens ... piercing blue eyes...I melted.
When you only have 100 words, clichés become all the more obvious.
Just my thoughts.

Peace, Lee

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 24-May-2015

---

reply by the author on 24-May-2015

Thanks humpwhistle, I hadn't considered this, and appreciate your feedback, just wanted to make an impact. But will keep this in mind for future writings. Still very new to all this and am learning all the time, the words just come out sometimes, when I have a thought in mind re the subject thanks again.Cheers Christine😊