Vision and Sound: Their Stories
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Born Enemies"Two souls that meet as strangers on earth.
24 total reviews
Comment from CR Delport
I wonder if humans will ever move past that stage when the need for wars and greed will subside? Maybe in another 2000 years or so? This is another great chapter.
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I wonder if humans will ever move past that stage when the need for wars and greed will subside? Maybe in another 2000 years or so? This is another great chapter.
Comment Written 09-Sep-2014
Comment from seaglass
Slow can be very good, in my opinion. Life is filled with time consuming things and this makes the story realistic. The Roman period is an interesting time in history.
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Slow can be very good, in my opinion. Life is filled with time consuming things and this makes the story realistic. The Roman period is an interesting time in history.
Comment Written 08-Sep-2014
Comment from Winslow
Dear Michael,
This is quite a tale. Good interplay between Tibertin and Allutia. I am sure they will end up as lovers and maybe even man and wife. Both are strong willed and good fictional characters.
Sometimes you get the cart before the horse, have run on sentences, are a bit to wordy, and overuse was.
Here is a suggested edit for this section.
Sam returned to Earth around 700 BC. He occupied Tibertina, a thirty-seven year old high-ranking male in the military of the Roman Republic who had joined up at a young age, as was the custom. He possessed some wealth and prestige. Amongst his holdings was a slave girl named Allutia. Vi, who had come to Earth some fifteen years after Sam, occupied her. Allutia had once been well to do among her people and did not take kindly to slavery. Tibertin knew of her hatred for him.
I hope this helps.
Warm regards,
Winslow
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2014
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Dear Michael,
This is quite a tale. Good interplay between Tibertin and Allutia. I am sure they will end up as lovers and maybe even man and wife. Both are strong willed and good fictional characters.
Sometimes you get the cart before the horse, have run on sentences, are a bit to wordy, and overuse was.
Here is a suggested edit for this section.
Sam returned to Earth around 700 BC. He occupied Tibertina, a thirty-seven year old high-ranking male in the military of the Roman Republic who had joined up at a young age, as was the custom. He possessed some wealth and prestige. Amongst his holdings was a slave girl named Allutia. Vi, who had come to Earth some fifteen years after Sam, occupied her. Allutia had once been well to do among her people and did not take kindly to slavery. Tibertin knew of her hatred for him.
I hope this helps.
Warm regards,
Winslow
Comment Written 08-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2014
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Yes. That is just excellent. It is a great help to see it written out as it should be. Sometimes saying what I'm doing is difficult to visualize. I suppose it's like writing itself. Show not tell! Ha! I am pleased you enjoyed the story. Your help is very much appreciated. Thank you kindly. mike
Comment from nordicgirl
This is really taking off now. I can see the personalities developing, but the circumstances play a heavy role in what happens. The hint of past lives influence is awesome.
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This is really taking off now. I can see the personalities developing, but the circumstances play a heavy role in what happens. The hint of past lives influence is awesome.
Comment Written 08-Sep-2014
Comment from Jumbo J
Hi Mike,
sworn enemies? I can see this relationship taking giant leaps.. The attraction is there and so is the will and well, my 'ol mate Tibertin doesn't seem all that bad for a pillage and take what's mine type of guy... this could be a very interesting segment in time for the two souls... very interesting indeed... a couple of suggestions:
skills, toils in your fields and fetches your water from the lake... a bit of a mouth full?... it isn't your mouth (who)that barks the orders... it isn't your body (who) that will soon violate mine... I don't understand your use of Ha and if it doesn't add to the emphasis of it... it's just a distraction from the dialog... it seems Magic Felix has the same problem?
I really like what you're doing here, I hope we're stuck in this era for a while. You could make a whole series out of just this premise... well written Mike... keep'em coming.
With our thoughts we create,
compromise,
James.
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Hi Mike,
sworn enemies? I can see this relationship taking giant leaps.. The attraction is there and so is the will and well, my 'ol mate Tibertin doesn't seem all that bad for a pillage and take what's mine type of guy... this could be a very interesting segment in time for the two souls... very interesting indeed... a couple of suggestions:
skills, toils in your fields and fetches your water from the lake... a bit of a mouth full?... it isn't your mouth (who)that barks the orders... it isn't your body (who) that will soon violate mine... I don't understand your use of Ha and if it doesn't add to the emphasis of it... it's just a distraction from the dialog... it seems Magic Felix has the same problem?
I really like what you're doing here, I hope we're stuck in this era for a while. You could make a whole series out of just this premise... well written Mike... keep'em coming.
With our thoughts we create,
compromise,
James.
Comment Written 08-Sep-2014
Comment from Sasha
Take your time. You seem to know what you are doing and how to do it...not sure if that came out right, but I liked this chapter is pretty much what I meant. I look forward top the next post.
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Take your time. You seem to know what you are doing and how to do it...not sure if that came out right, but I liked this chapter is pretty much what I meant. I look forward top the next post.
Comment Written 08-Sep-2014
Comment from nelliesellie
The two souls meet again, but they are bitter enemies. That is at first. It looks like they may lose some of their bitterness towards each other. This is a time when slaves are bitter about their life situation. But I doubt if they would free all the slaves if they could. Slaves were the work force for the rich. Great work.
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The two souls meet again, but they are bitter enemies. That is at first. It looks like they may lose some of their bitterness towards each other. This is a time when slaves are bitter about their life situation. But I doubt if they would free all the slaves if they could. Slaves were the work force for the rich. Great work.
Comment Written 08-Sep-2014
Comment from ravenblack
Now it is starting to gel. Now we can begin to see vision and sound coming forth through dialogue and thoughts. Now I see your vision (not vision the character, buy your vision). I already like both characters and this is easier for you to carry along as folks from 700 bc talk a lot more than cave men. How things change when the balance shifts from narrative to dialogue. Excellent! It works!
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Now it is starting to gel. Now we can begin to see vision and sound coming forth through dialogue and thoughts. Now I see your vision (not vision the character, buy your vision). I already like both characters and this is easier for you to carry along as folks from 700 bc talk a lot more than cave men. How things change when the balance shifts from narrative to dialogue. Excellent! It works!
Comment Written 08-Sep-2014
Comment from onebrit
Its hard to come into the middle of writing and pick right up. Im a little confused as to where these people have come from, are they space or time travelers? Its probably easiest if I go back to the beginning. I sense trouble between these 2.
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Its hard to come into the middle of writing and pick right up. Im a little confused as to where these people have come from, are they space or time travelers? Its probably easiest if I go back to the beginning. I sense trouble between these 2.
Comment Written 08-Sep-2014
Comment from Loren (7)
Nice flow, I didn't think it slow at all, but engaging in that you took time to flesh our the emotions of both characters. However I did think this line, a bit too modern for your settings (primarily the word damn): You don't seem to find a damn thing wrong with it." This reminded me to a bit of the book of Esther in the Bible. Good work - Loren
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Nice flow, I didn't think it slow at all, but engaging in that you took time to flesh our the emotions of both characters. However I did think this line, a bit too modern for your settings (primarily the word damn): You don't seem to find a damn thing wrong with it." This reminded me to a bit of the book of Esther in the Bible. Good work - Loren
Comment Written 08-Sep-2014
