Bank Owned
Man feels betrayed by bank.30 total reviews
Comment from Carmen Durfey
Great opening!
I would probably drop expensive or valuable. I know there is a difference in the two for it feel a little redundant here to me.
Great line and tells us the gist.
Great visual
I wools love an added detail here. Like the mahogany or the marble trim. What ever you picture it to be.
I'm invested in your story. But I would love a few more details. I want to see the bank lobby and hear the people. So a few more sensory details would put me over the moon.
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2022
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Great opening!
I would probably drop expensive or valuable. I know there is a difference in the two for it feel a little redundant here to me.
Great line and tells us the gist.
Great visual
I wools love an added detail here. Like the mahogany or the marble trim. What ever you picture it to be.
I'm invested in your story. But I would love a few more details. I want to see the bank lobby and hear the people. So a few more sensory details would put me over the moon.
Comment Written 28-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2022
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Thank you for your incredibly detailed review. I do appreciate you sharing what resonated with you and your suggestions
Thank you. Gretchen
Comment from suep
I really enjoyed reading this story. It grabbed my attention from the start and held it throughout. I love the line 'She reached down into her spotless trash can and pulled out his hat. "I believe this is yours." '
I was hoping for a happy ending, but the ending you chose is sadly realistic. As a bank teller for many years I saw and heard so many stories that were heartbreaking, as the one you depict here.
Great ending, including '"From your family at Town and Farmers Bank. Our deepest condolences."' Very well told, and excellent job!!
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2012
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I really enjoyed reading this story. It grabbed my attention from the start and held it throughout. I love the line 'She reached down into her spotless trash can and pulled out his hat. "I believe this is yours." '
I was hoping for a happy ending, but the ending you chose is sadly realistic. As a bank teller for many years I saw and heard so many stories that were heartbreaking, as the one you depict here.
Great ending, including '"From your family at Town and Farmers Bank. Our deepest condolences."' Very well told, and excellent job!!
Comment Written 23-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2012
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Thank you for your great review and relating your own personal experiences. I wanted to end it happily ever after, but that wasn't the purpose of the story.
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You're welcome, and I agree. It wouldn't have made the impact and the point you were trying to accomplish, which you did very well! :)
Comment from humpwhistle
Nice job, GW. A heartfelt and timely piece. I like your direct prose--mirroring the simple, direct man your portrayed. Very well done.
Peace, Lee
One(,) that it was a hundred...
(and maybe the two 'that's in this sentence aren't necessary.)
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2012
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Nice job, GW. A heartfelt and timely piece. I like your direct prose--mirroring the simple, direct man your portrayed. Very well done.
Peace, Lee
One(,) that it was a hundred...
(and maybe the two 'that's in this sentence aren't necessary.)
Comment Written 03-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2012
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Thank you for the great review and kind words. I'll check into those corrections. I appreciate the feed back.
Comment from Scarbrems
This is great, and sadly so true. I know there are people out there who can't take the pressure heaped on them in the current recession. The banks are only interested in helping themselves. Very well written, I was gripped.
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2012
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This is great, and sadly so true. I know there are people out there who can't take the pressure heaped on them in the current recession. The banks are only interested in helping themselves. Very well written, I was gripped.
Comment Written 03-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2012
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Thank you again for the stars. It was a hard story to write since I don't like sad stuff, but I couldn't see any other way to end it. I really appreciate the stars.
Comment from Dawn Munro
Oh my God - this is so tragic! And it is so very, very true of today's banking industry and all-round business practices. You have written a story that should be published, if for no other reason than to raise awareness of how things used to be - the new generation are a heartless group I'm afraid. It is a compelling write, expertly crafted, and a terrific sociological comment. I have no sixes or you would have one for this work.
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2012
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Oh my God - this is so tragic! And it is so very, very true of today's banking industry and all-round business practices. You have written a story that should be published, if for no other reason than to raise awareness of how things used to be - the new generation are a heartless group I'm afraid. It is a compelling write, expertly crafted, and a terrific sociological comment. I have no sixes or you would have one for this work.
Comment Written 03-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2012
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I agree with the heartlessness of this new generation. Everything can be done electronically or through the computer. No one really has to face anything or anyone now. Easy to be cold hearted when you don't see the results. Thanks for the review and the mental sixes. Hearing that is just as good.
Comment from Titanx9
Why did he kill himself? It seems, with his family's help he could have overcome. What's his wife and children to do? I'm sorry, I was so into this one until the very end; I was even hating the loan officer. Nevertheless, you told a great story. There are a few spags, but nothing got in the way of your storytelling skills!
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2012
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Why did he kill himself? It seems, with his family's help he could have overcome. What's his wife and children to do? I'm sorry, I was so into this one until the very end; I was even hating the loan officer. Nevertheless, you told a great story. There are a few spags, but nothing got in the way of your storytelling skills!
Comment Written 03-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2012
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Sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees. I think he was so overwhelmed with what he though of as his own personal failure he just gave up. Unfortunately it happens that way sometimes. Thank you for the great review and feedback.
Comment from Thesis
Your story is so timely, especially with all the foreclosures around today. It's also a sad statement about the banks that want our money in good times, but won't help us in bad. I've experienced this firsthand. watcjong as the bankls bankrupted my company with their inaction for a tiny loan to keep the business running. Shame on them. - John
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2012
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Your story is so timely, especially with all the foreclosures around today. It's also a sad statement about the banks that want our money in good times, but won't help us in bad. I've experienced this firsthand. watcjong as the bankls bankrupted my company with their inaction for a tiny loan to keep the business running. Shame on them. - John
Comment Written 02-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2012
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Sorry to hear about your troubles. Thank you for your great review and for sharing your story. God bless.
Comment from Just Alyx
Good quality story for content and I'd rate it high for that. Its unpretentiousness supported being humbled really well, I thought. No banner waving, just everyday people being gobbled up by greed.
Wonderful symbolic moment, pulling the hat out of the bin: disposable people past usefulness, loyalty to 'The Firm' an archaic concept. Also that the hat was 'a dime a dozen' to represent the average replaceable Joe. Loved it, never mind his dignified, stand-up protest to follow.
Enjoyed the ending. Never underestimate the woman behind the good man -- when allowed to know what's going on. Sad but realistic because farmers really are suiciding over being unable to provide. Look at the Indian culture now, for example, it's chronic depression for so many men. And then they're condemned after death too as 'weak'. Can't win, and it's diversion, diversion, diversion. Cope or be shamed. Nice.
These all qualify as creative suggestions only:
"I realize that. And we value your, uh," she said as she glanced down at his paperwork which still lay in front of her."Your three hundred and ninety - I'd be inclined to punctuate this differently to visually show the pause, the focus on action, and then the continued dialogue:
"I realize that. And we value your, uh ..." she said as she glanced down at his paperwork which still lay in front of her, "... your three hundred and ninety"
(continued thought was interrupted, so a comma after "her" and lowercase on "your" usually applies). "she said as" could be optional, and some would also argue the ellipsis in the second half. It's a publishing style choice regardless, so no biggie; just offering more visual impact because that can lock into most readers' senses better to re-enact it in their heads.
(He) said (his) words with as much dignity as (he) could - "Donnie spoke with as much dignity as he could" would be stronger, neater and more personal??
(He) saw (his) neighbors, people from church, friends and some who (he) wouldn't classify as friends - I found pronoun use quite heavy in this piece, so sentences like this could be changed into active to alleviate it here and there: "Neighbors, people from church, friends and some he wouldn't classify as friends filled it/peppered the place/etc"??
Again (he) heard (his) voice crack - "he heard", "he saw", "he felt" are okay for me as a reader, but too many dilute a good telling-style story, and the telling is very strong everywhere else. Just stating it here, and in a few other spots like this, can be more effective because if he hears it crack, others will; "His voice cracked again" also opens up the viewpoint of everyone in the scene, so it serves more than one purpose to simply state physical things at times instead of highlighting the *action* of doing something thru "he heard" (and also reduces cumbersome pronouns for stronger overall dynamics).
The thing I love about well done tell-style stories is their confidence, line by absolute line. Here's another example of where the 'confidence' dips - and it's an important, potent moment in the scene:
"He saw that most looked down now, not wanting to see his obvious pain and humiliation and for that he was thankful."
This could as easily be:
"Most looked away from his obvious pain and humiliation and for that he was thankful."??
It's more dynamic without "he saw", encompasses/expresses more with less words, and pulls more directly at my emotional responses so that I'm invested. I trust reader supposition for the natural emotional responses to situations like that and try to keep it 'neat' in those spots of tell-style.
He didn't bother (Lori) with the details of what had happened at the bank - I've found sometimes that, even in short pieces, by this stage who Lori is can be forgotten (intro reference), and a whole lot, plus other characters, has happened by then. I'd go for "his wife" there because her identifying name follows straight after. We sometimes need to use reader memory triggers in a busy story, so I play it safe for broad audience pieces.
"I'll be [there] in a bit. I just need a minute."??
"Don't be too long, okay?" (she said.) She walked over and kissed his sweaty cheek - really doesn't need it, and in a couple of other places.
"You remember that beautiful bouquet of flowers, you know the really big one[?]" - was this meant as a question?
Lori nodded. Vaguely she remembered it - these actions read as back to front, to me.
Still a solid expose about a person's right to be a 'man', to provide, being crushed. It's cruel for everyone to have that undermined. Many farmers here are defeated just like everywhere else. Good voice. AJ.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
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Good quality story for content and I'd rate it high for that. Its unpretentiousness supported being humbled really well, I thought. No banner waving, just everyday people being gobbled up by greed.
Wonderful symbolic moment, pulling the hat out of the bin: disposable people past usefulness, loyalty to 'The Firm' an archaic concept. Also that the hat was 'a dime a dozen' to represent the average replaceable Joe. Loved it, never mind his dignified, stand-up protest to follow.
Enjoyed the ending. Never underestimate the woman behind the good man -- when allowed to know what's going on. Sad but realistic because farmers really are suiciding over being unable to provide. Look at the Indian culture now, for example, it's chronic depression for so many men. And then they're condemned after death too as 'weak'. Can't win, and it's diversion, diversion, diversion. Cope or be shamed. Nice.
These all qualify as creative suggestions only:
"I realize that. And we value your, uh," she said as she glanced down at his paperwork which still lay in front of her."Your three hundred and ninety - I'd be inclined to punctuate this differently to visually show the pause, the focus on action, and then the continued dialogue:
"I realize that. And we value your, uh ..." she said as she glanced down at his paperwork which still lay in front of her, "... your three hundred and ninety"
(continued thought was interrupted, so a comma after "her" and lowercase on "your" usually applies). "she said as" could be optional, and some would also argue the ellipsis in the second half. It's a publishing style choice regardless, so no biggie; just offering more visual impact because that can lock into most readers' senses better to re-enact it in their heads.
(He) said (his) words with as much dignity as (he) could - "Donnie spoke with as much dignity as he could" would be stronger, neater and more personal??
(He) saw (his) neighbors, people from church, friends and some who (he) wouldn't classify as friends - I found pronoun use quite heavy in this piece, so sentences like this could be changed into active to alleviate it here and there: "Neighbors, people from church, friends and some he wouldn't classify as friends filled it/peppered the place/etc"??
Again (he) heard (his) voice crack - "he heard", "he saw", "he felt" are okay for me as a reader, but too many dilute a good telling-style story, and the telling is very strong everywhere else. Just stating it here, and in a few other spots like this, can be more effective because if he hears it crack, others will; "His voice cracked again" also opens up the viewpoint of everyone in the scene, so it serves more than one purpose to simply state physical things at times instead of highlighting the *action* of doing something thru "he heard" (and also reduces cumbersome pronouns for stronger overall dynamics).
The thing I love about well done tell-style stories is their confidence, line by absolute line. Here's another example of where the 'confidence' dips - and it's an important, potent moment in the scene:
"He saw that most looked down now, not wanting to see his obvious pain and humiliation and for that he was thankful."
This could as easily be:
"Most looked away from his obvious pain and humiliation and for that he was thankful."??
It's more dynamic without "he saw", encompasses/expresses more with less words, and pulls more directly at my emotional responses so that I'm invested. I trust reader supposition for the natural emotional responses to situations like that and try to keep it 'neat' in those spots of tell-style.
He didn't bother (Lori) with the details of what had happened at the bank - I've found sometimes that, even in short pieces, by this stage who Lori is can be forgotten (intro reference), and a whole lot, plus other characters, has happened by then. I'd go for "his wife" there because her identifying name follows straight after. We sometimes need to use reader memory triggers in a busy story, so I play it safe for broad audience pieces.
"I'll be [there] in a bit. I just need a minute."??
"Don't be too long, okay?" (she said.) She walked over and kissed his sweaty cheek - really doesn't need it, and in a couple of other places.
"You remember that beautiful bouquet of flowers, you know the really big one[?]" - was this meant as a question?
Lori nodded. Vaguely she remembered it - these actions read as back to front, to me.
Still a solid expose about a person's right to be a 'man', to provide, being crushed. It's cruel for everyone to have that undermined. Many farmers here are defeated just like everywhere else. Good voice. AJ.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
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Thank you for the great review. I appreciate the detailed feed back. I will definitely go over your suggestions. I agree with most and will be better able to concentrate on the changes in the morning.
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No worries, and you're welcome.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
What a heartfelt story... a representative story of so many real-life happenings in the country. So many people hurt by big banks who, is it says, grew up on the backs of those same farmers or their fathers before them. Sadly it's happening all over the world... well certainly year in Australia. Very good piece... s.uccinct. Giddy
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
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What a heartfelt story... a representative story of so many real-life happenings in the country. So many people hurt by big banks who, is it says, grew up on the backs of those same farmers or their fathers before them. Sadly it's happening all over the world... well certainly year in Australia. Very good piece... s.uccinct. Giddy
Comment Written 02-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
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Thank you for your great review and your input. Something's gotta give, one way or another.
Comment from adewpearl
As soon as Donnie stepped out of the bank, - add comma
love the hat/pride commentary
They had known each other since high school, - add comma
Excellent dialogue that reveals the banker's attitude most effectively
good description of non-verbal communication like slumping
if I don't have the money to hire pickers, - add comma
when the casseroles and visits stopped coming, - add the comma
I love that line, by the way
What an ironic moment when the bank not only sends expensive flowers but signs the card - from your banking family
Love the closing line
A story that rings all too true. Brooke
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
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As soon as Donnie stepped out of the bank, - add comma
love the hat/pride commentary
They had known each other since high school, - add comma
Excellent dialogue that reveals the banker's attitude most effectively
good description of non-verbal communication like slumping
if I don't have the money to hire pickers, - add comma
when the casseroles and visits stopped coming, - add the comma
I love that line, by the way
What an ironic moment when the bank not only sends expensive flowers but signs the card - from your banking family
Love the closing line
A story that rings all too true. Brooke
Comment Written 02-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
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Thank you or the great review and the advice. I have a mental block to punctuation and either use too much or too little. Thank you.