Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "A Maza Moon, Part I"Murder Mystery
49 total reviews
Comment from mumsyone
Another good chapter, Bev. I like how you wove the priest's thoughts in with his prayer.
the shrunken sleeves and the fact the garments' (garment's) buttons had lost all control
vehicles scattered along the street in front of Debra Padget's house(,) forcing him to park a fair distance away.
"Sheriff Oleson has,(no comma) temporarily,(no comma) closed the crime scene to all personnel.
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2012
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Another good chapter, Bev. I like how you wove the priest's thoughts in with his prayer.
the shrunken sleeves and the fact the garments' (garment's) buttons had lost all control
vehicles scattered along the street in front of Debra Padget's house(,) forcing him to park a fair distance away.
"Sheriff Oleson has,(no comma) temporarily,(no comma) closed the crime scene to all personnel.
Comment Written 26-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2012
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Thanks, Lois. I appreciate you taking a look at my latest chapter and catching those spags. I thought I had corrected them...I see why people refer to an evil eddie! Anyhow, much appreciate your support. Hugs, Bev
Comment from elgone
Very well written. The description of Bloomquist is superb. The comment about his patients not having a pulse gave me a chuckle. The silent prayer meshed between the works of absolution was quite well done.
E
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2012
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Very well written. The description of Bloomquist is superb. The comment about his patients not having a pulse gave me a chuckle. The silent prayer meshed between the works of absolution was quite well done.
E
Comment Written 26-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2012
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Thanks so much, E. I really appreciate the quality of your review and your generosity. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from pickthorn
This chapter is very well written with excellent dialogue. The murder scene is described in great detail and very believable. Great suspense. Looking forward to the next chapter.
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2012
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This chapter is very well written with excellent dialogue. The murder scene is described in great detail and very believable. Great suspense. Looking forward to the next chapter.
Comment Written 26-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2012
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Thank you so much, Pickthorn. I appreciate you reading the chapter and sending along your generous review. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Tina55
Hey Bev,
This is a very professional post, in my humble opinion. It's clean, well-executed, intriguing, and it sounds like something right off the bookstore shelf. Bravo!
Your first line about Dr. Bloomquist says it all. Then, the rest of that first paragraph, although it's not aggressively against him, almost makes me cross my arms and raise my chin a bit. I laughed, because then, further down, he gives Jana attitude and I'm like, 'uh-huh, I thought so.' LOL
Great character development! He comes alive right out of the gate...and I love the purple stitching and the buttons that have lost control of the man's girth. Brilliant details!
His cheeks were florid and his breathing labored by the time he reached the main entrance. (Fantastic line...I love the use of florid!!)
Head down and mumbling angrily to himself, he reacted sharply to the sudden materialization of the policewoman obstructing his momentum. (Love this too!)
His eyes narrowed as if he were studying alien amoeba on a plate. (Perfect line for this man.)
Father Brian believed the heart held autonomy over the brain. Though his brain directed the act of the communion wafer's removal and conducted the ritualized prayer for the deceased, memories of Debra formed a gentle counterpoint. (This is a wonderful intro to the section where you drop us inside the Father's head. It's concise and descriptive without being windy. Excellent! And, I love love loved what followed: the back and forth between the muttering of the last rites and the memories of the woman. It's downright creepy because I don't trust this Brian as far as I can throw him. He's slippery - if you ask me. Which is great, because either he is, or he isn't and I'm getting thrown off the trail, which is doubly great! :-))
I love how you bring the Sioux culture into the death scene a bit. It adds another layer to the story that makes this feel so authentic, like, as the reader, I will believe anything you tell me. Kudos! Plus, it gives the detective a greater depth. And, thank goodness you tell me how to pronounce it in your notes, because I'm the kind of person that would have been driven crazy trying to work it out for myself. Yes, I admit to rolling it around on my tongue for a while before I got down to your note. LOL It's so thoughtful of you to try and perserve what's left of my sanity. :-))
I like this Sheriff Oleson.
This is so well written that the scene easily plays out in my head like an HD movie. And, you've left a great hook at the end of this section!
Can't wait to read the next one...
Love,
Tina
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2012
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Hey Bev,
This is a very professional post, in my humble opinion. It's clean, well-executed, intriguing, and it sounds like something right off the bookstore shelf. Bravo!
Your first line about Dr. Bloomquist says it all. Then, the rest of that first paragraph, although it's not aggressively against him, almost makes me cross my arms and raise my chin a bit. I laughed, because then, further down, he gives Jana attitude and I'm like, 'uh-huh, I thought so.' LOL
Great character development! He comes alive right out of the gate...and I love the purple stitching and the buttons that have lost control of the man's girth. Brilliant details!
His cheeks were florid and his breathing labored by the time he reached the main entrance. (Fantastic line...I love the use of florid!!)
Head down and mumbling angrily to himself, he reacted sharply to the sudden materialization of the policewoman obstructing his momentum. (Love this too!)
His eyes narrowed as if he were studying alien amoeba on a plate. (Perfect line for this man.)
Father Brian believed the heart held autonomy over the brain. Though his brain directed the act of the communion wafer's removal and conducted the ritualized prayer for the deceased, memories of Debra formed a gentle counterpoint. (This is a wonderful intro to the section where you drop us inside the Father's head. It's concise and descriptive without being windy. Excellent! And, I love love loved what followed: the back and forth between the muttering of the last rites and the memories of the woman. It's downright creepy because I don't trust this Brian as far as I can throw him. He's slippery - if you ask me. Which is great, because either he is, or he isn't and I'm getting thrown off the trail, which is doubly great! :-))
I love how you bring the Sioux culture into the death scene a bit. It adds another layer to the story that makes this feel so authentic, like, as the reader, I will believe anything you tell me. Kudos! Plus, it gives the detective a greater depth. And, thank goodness you tell me how to pronounce it in your notes, because I'm the kind of person that would have been driven crazy trying to work it out for myself. Yes, I admit to rolling it around on my tongue for a while before I got down to your note. LOL It's so thoughtful of you to try and perserve what's left of my sanity. :-))
I like this Sheriff Oleson.
This is so well written that the scene easily plays out in my head like an HD movie. And, you've left a great hook at the end of this section!
Can't wait to read the next one...
Love,
Tina
Comment Written 26-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2012
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Dear, Tina. What a splendid review here, my friend. You have spent so much time and given me such encouragement. I am really honored by our generosity in letting me know what worked for you in the chapter. That means so much, especially, when I have such great respect for your own writing skills. The extra star is icing on the cake! Heart Blessings, Bev
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Very well written, must go back to the beginning and catch up! I have one question, tho... why wouldn't the M.E. remove the object from victim's mouth? Why ask a priest to do it? Made no sense, but maybe it's cuz I haven't read 1-3 yet. :)
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2012
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Very well written, must go back to the beginning and catch up! I have one question, tho... why wouldn't the M.E. remove the object from victim's mouth? Why ask a priest to do it? Made no sense, but maybe it's cuz I haven't read 1-3 yet. :)
Comment Written 25-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2012
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Hi, Phyllis. Thank you for stopping in to read the chapter. I do think you'll find the answer to that question in chapter 3, but what the Sheriff is trying to do is allow a sacred object - something the killer knows would be very upsetting to a religious person - to be removed with dignity. In this case, the object is a communion wafer which is traditionally blessed by a Catholic priest during the course of a Mass. It's to be touched by only special persons. Hope that helps.
Thanks for your support and generous review, Phyllis.
Take care, Bev
Comment from Bobbi22
This was a very well described murder scene. Very good description of the medical examiner - personality and looks. I'm not sure what it was that Father Brian was taking out of the dead woman's mouth. Very well written chapter. Looking forward to more.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2012
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This was a very well described murder scene. Very good description of the medical examiner - personality and looks. I'm not sure what it was that Father Brian was taking out of the dead woman's mouth. Very well written chapter. Looking forward to more.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2012
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Hi, RightPics. Thanks for your excellent review!
In chapter three, I describe the object that is taped over the woman's mouth as a holy object in the eyes of a Catholic priest -a consecrated communion wafer. Its meaning and the reason for the careful placement will be in later chapters.
Much appreciate the support!
Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Magic Wand
I am totally hooked. I love the way you develop each character, through visuals and personality equally, each augmenting the other. The dialog moves the story along and is believable. Good Job.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2012
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I am totally hooked. I love the way you develop each character, through visuals and personality equally, each augmenting the other. The dialog moves the story along and is believable. Good Job.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2012
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Hi, Magic Wand. I really appreciate you taking time to read my chapter for your very generous review. I love hearing what works for the readers as it helps in going forward. Thanks for making me smile! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Gideon Roth
Good afternoon. Congratulations on yet another griping chapter is this excellent story. If you're into script writing you could have another successful endeavor to embark on with this story. The character development for this story has been strong all the way through and the dialogue in this chapter was very well done. No spag or errors that I could spot and the chapter hooked early on and held my interest all the way through. Looking forward to your next post. Best of success in all of your writing endeavors...Gideon
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2012
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Good afternoon. Congratulations on yet another griping chapter is this excellent story. If you're into script writing you could have another successful endeavor to embark on with this story. The character development for this story has been strong all the way through and the dialogue in this chapter was very well done. No spag or errors that I could spot and the chapter hooked early on and held my interest all the way through. Looking forward to your next post. Best of success in all of your writing endeavors...Gideon
Comment Written 25-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2012
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Hi, Gideon. Thanks so much for viewing my latest chapter and your wonderful review. Its so helpful to know what is working - or not - for the reader. And I do very much appreciate the support. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from missy98writer
Bev,
I love an excellent crime fiction with law enforcement personally point of view. Your main character Detective Jana Burke has spunk and not affraid to stand up to the he man mentality amongst police officers. Sexism is alive in many police or sheriff departments. That's why whenever I write a police book I make sure a woman is in charge and can stand up for herself. You do a swell job putting the readers in the crime scene viewing the body. I'd recommend your latest chapter to other reviewers as a must read for a good time. I'd encourage you to keep moving forward with your entertaining story, my friend. I hope to catch your next chapter. Please have a super day.
Melissa.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2012
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Bev,
I love an excellent crime fiction with law enforcement personally point of view. Your main character Detective Jana Burke has spunk and not affraid to stand up to the he man mentality amongst police officers. Sexism is alive in many police or sheriff departments. That's why whenever I write a police book I make sure a woman is in charge and can stand up for herself. You do a swell job putting the readers in the crime scene viewing the body. I'd recommend your latest chapter to other reviewers as a must read for a good time. I'd encourage you to keep moving forward with your entertaining story, my friend. I hope to catch your next chapter. Please have a super day.
Melissa.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2012
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Hi, Melissa. I'm a crime fiction junkie - so cool to know we share the passion! I really appreciate you taking time to read and review my chapter. Your insights are most helpful and encouraging. Knowing what works is so helpful as I continue with additional chapters. I may do a separate novel around the character of Jana Burke - we'll see. Thanks you, kind lady. Heart Blessings, Bev
Comment from Cumbrianlass
Right, lass. Methinks you're onto a winner here. It makes me think of Silence of the Lambs.
Just love Jana. She's a woman after my own heart. Thoroughly enjoy her character.
Sheriff Oleson pointedly ignored the protests of the M.E. He slowly closed his notebook, stored his pen and faced his subordinate. - Might I suggest watching the amount of adverb use? This sentence would work just as well without 'pointedly' and 'slowly'.
Great tension - this story sound SO natural, like it's just oozing from you. Think I've mentioned that before, but I can't help but comment on it again. It's fabulous.
The whole reflective scene with the priest over Debra's body is beautifully done. Very sad. Gives the murdered woman an identity to the reader - makes her real and not just a corpse. AND it serves to show a stark and shocking contrast between good and evil.
And the Howiwacipi - oh, brilliant, Bev. You know how I love the mystical stuff.
Then you finish off with a great hook at the end.
Another very good chapter, my friend.
Loving this story.
Av
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2012
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Right, lass. Methinks you're onto a winner here. It makes me think of Silence of the Lambs.
Just love Jana. She's a woman after my own heart. Thoroughly enjoy her character.
Sheriff Oleson pointedly ignored the protests of the M.E. He slowly closed his notebook, stored his pen and faced his subordinate. - Might I suggest watching the amount of adverb use? This sentence would work just as well without 'pointedly' and 'slowly'.
Great tension - this story sound SO natural, like it's just oozing from you. Think I've mentioned that before, but I can't help but comment on it again. It's fabulous.
The whole reflective scene with the priest over Debra's body is beautifully done. Very sad. Gives the murdered woman an identity to the reader - makes her real and not just a corpse. AND it serves to show a stark and shocking contrast between good and evil.
And the Howiwacipi - oh, brilliant, Bev. You know how I love the mystical stuff.
Then you finish off with a great hook at the end.
Another very good chapter, my friend.
Loving this story.
Av
Comment Written 25-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2012
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Hi, Av. Thank you for your very generous review. And, I always learn something with every posting - I totally agree about that sentence. I get hung up sometimes on the show, don't tell thing. But I have a book coming from Amazon that should help with that issue - if there is any help for me LOL.
Thank you for taking so much time to really read and comment on the parts you liked, Av. It does help so much.
You know, I've never seen the Silence of the Lambs. Someone else mentioned that a while back, so I think I should watch it.
Now, on to the mind of the killer. Hugs, Bev
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Don't watch it alone, Bev. Hannibal is the ultimate psycho/sociopath.
;o)
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I saw a documentary on the making of the movie. The director didn't think that Jodie Foster was going to make the cut. Until she came up with the Southern accent - when he saw the trailer, he knew she was the one. And as far as Anthony Hopkins goes, he was also a wild card because of his classical training and roles. They say the scene where the two first meet is sheer genius on the part of Sir Anthony. I love nuanced acting, so I really do need to see it. But, thanks for the warning, my friend! xxx Bev
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I love Jodie and Sir Anthony - both fabulous actors. It's a remarkable film, but I always watch it with a cushion handy to hide behind. LOL!
I'll be interested to hear what you think of it.
Av
xx
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I've avoided watching it because it's SO psychologically realistic.
I'll let you know if I get up the nerve to order a copy. BTW, I think you handled the crappy reviewer for your latest chapter with elan, my dear. The further up the ranks a writer goes, the more they seem to get targeted. One of the downsides on this site. I think if they just posted an opinion without the stars, I'd find myself more open. Xxx Bev
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LOL! He or she made me laugh, actually. An 1800 word poem. That's a bloody epic! It's not an intelligent or constructive comment, so I just ignored it. You can actually block 'reader' member and have only author's review, but I have one lovely fan who is a reader and so supportive of my work, so I won't use the block because of her.
:o)
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You're so funny. I have started blocking the readers only. You have a great attitude, Av, and are setting a really good example. Xxx Bev