The dragon Mareng
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Mareng's next period at school."Mareng growing up and all kinds
18 total reviews
Comment from lynnkah
reading this I got a vivid picture of a dragon riding a horse, I am still setting here laughing. You have such a fun imagination. can't wait for the next chapters
lynnkah
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2011
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reading this I got a vivid picture of a dragon riding a horse, I am still setting here laughing. You have such a fun imagination. can't wait for the next chapters
lynnkah
Comment Written 02-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2011
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Thanks so much for your kind review. Blessings, Ine.
Comment from BigTomNY
A great read!!
Topic: Cute
Flow: Nice
Style: Great
structure: good
Creativity: excellent
Rhyme: n/a
Art: cute
Overall:
Very good
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2011
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A great read!!
Topic: Cute
Flow: Nice
Style: Great
structure: good
Creativity: excellent
Rhyme: n/a
Art: cute
Overall:
Very good
Comment Written 02-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2011
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Thanks so much for your kind review. Blessings, Ine.
Comment from Writingfundimension
It's so fun to follow the dragon school adventures of your children's story, Ine. Mareng is a likeable character and, I think you do a great job of presenting the interaction and learning that goes along with meeting other species. I'd really enjoy some of those dragon biscuits, too! Well done, my friend. Kind regards, Bev
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2011
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It's so fun to follow the dragon school adventures of your children's story, Ine. Mareng is a likeable character and, I think you do a great job of presenting the interaction and learning that goes along with meeting other species. I'd really enjoy some of those dragon biscuits, too! Well done, my friend. Kind regards, Bev
Comment Written 02-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2011
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Thanks so much for your kind review. Blessings, Ine.
Comment from Chris Tee
You are going to take my time with this delicious story we have here old sport. Well done with another good chapter here Ine.
It was a good read indeed.
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2011
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You are going to take my time with this delicious story we have here old sport. Well done with another good chapter here Ine.
It was a good read indeed.
Comment Written 02-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2011
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Thanks so much for your kind review. Blessings, Ine.
Comment from WilliamDeen
stroked already /// put a period after alread
the were horses./// they were horses.
Will this go so well all the time. /// change period to a ?
Cute chapter to your story!
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2011
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stroked already /// put a period after alread
the were horses./// they were horses.
Will this go so well all the time. /// change period to a ?
Cute chapter to your story!
Comment Written 02-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2011
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Thanks so much for your kind review. Blessings, Ine. Thank for the corrections as well
Comment from Cumbrianlass
A great effort, Ine. I like the story of the little dragon. I'm sure kids would love it too. I found a couple of things that you might like to correct if you wish:
he could bath, - bathe.
Lunch break at home for Mareng and some other children. - Lunch bread was taken at home
animals, the were horses. - they were or perhaps, these were
So this afternoon - that afternoon (past tense).
Have a wonderful day. Hugs, Av.
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reply by the author on 02-Oct-2011
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A great effort, Ine. I like the story of the little dragon. I'm sure kids would love it too. I found a couple of things that you might like to correct if you wish:
he could bath, - bathe.
Lunch break at home for Mareng and some other children. - Lunch bread was taken at home
animals, the were horses. - they were or perhaps, these were
So this afternoon - that afternoon (past tense).
Have a wonderful day. Hugs, Av.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2011
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Thanks so much for your kind review. Blessings, Ine. And hugs. Thanks for even more corrections-LOL, will never learn.
Comment from mumsyone
You're right. The story is not exciting; however, it could be.
You've done too much telling (describing things) instead of showing (through dialogue or actions), what the kids and dragons are doing and learning. You can't hold kids' attention with description only; there has to be more.
You've also used shortcuts which don't work for kids' stories: Mareng: "my Mum phoned your Mum and she said it is fine with her." This shows me that you wanted to get the writing done quickly, without regard to whether it was interesting or not.
I'm not trying to be overly critical here, but if you can't take the time to write an exciting story, kids won't take time to read or listen to it, and parents won't be interested either.
I think your idea is great, and your writing is good. You just need to spend more time thinking it out.
Mum woke him up early every day so that he could bath (bathe), brush his teeth,
drawings of bigger four-legged animals, the (there or these?) were horses.
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2011
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You're right. The story is not exciting; however, it could be.
You've done too much telling (describing things) instead of showing (through dialogue or actions), what the kids and dragons are doing and learning. You can't hold kids' attention with description only; there has to be more.
You've also used shortcuts which don't work for kids' stories: Mareng: "my Mum phoned your Mum and she said it is fine with her." This shows me that you wanted to get the writing done quickly, without regard to whether it was interesting or not.
I'm not trying to be overly critical here, but if you can't take the time to write an exciting story, kids won't take time to read or listen to it, and parents won't be interested either.
I think your idea is great, and your writing is good. You just need to spend more time thinking it out.
Mum woke him up early every day so that he could bath (bathe), brush his teeth,
drawings of bigger four-legged animals, the (there or these?) were horses.
Comment Written 02-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2011
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Thanks for you kind review. Blessings, Ine
Comment from vbell
I really liked this it was an interesting story that kept me thinking. Your writting isn't that bad at all just keep working at it.
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reply by the author on 02-Oct-2011
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I really liked this it was an interesting story that kept me thinking. Your writting isn't that bad at all just keep working at it.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2011
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Thanks for you kind review. Blessings, Ine
