Comment from bard owl

Excellent

Wow! You have chosen a timeless subject. My husband is a Titanic collector. I think he has every book that was ever written on the subject. Your poem is chock full of exeptional imagery. I can feel the deathly chill of the water through your words. The only flaw I see is the imabic pentameter is a little off. Joyce's review of you poem gives excellent advice on how to beat out a perfect rhythm with your words. Your rhyming is right on, as usual. Great entry, Chris. Blessings to you, Linda

 Comment Written 08-Jan-2009

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reply by the author on 08-Jan-2009

I too have lots of books on the subject and have video-tapes of quite a few documentaries on it. I've always loved the sight of Her, to the point of being emotionally overwhelmed. To me she is the Ship of Dreams, and the one who taught us the most. Thanks so much for your kind review my friend. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Comment from Judian James

Excellent

Hi Chris. You subject choice is superb and you told the story well. Your rhyming is spot on but your meter is off.
Before going into it, I checked other reviewers ... just follow what Joyce told you and you'll be golden! well done, most especially for first attempt!

 Comment Written 08-Jan-2009

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reply by the author on 08-Jan-2009

Thank you so much Judian. You're spot on by your meter comments. Have amended it to reflect this, but I do so appreciate your encouragement for my first effort! xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Comment from Johnny Carwash

Excellent

I'm hoping to put together something for this, but I'm still trying to get the form straight. I thought this was great and it looked technically sound from where I sit. Good luck in the contest, my dear.

 Comment Written 08-Jan-2009

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reply by the author on 08-Jan-2009

Thanks so veyr much Johnny. I have tweaked it to suit the sonnet form more as I was a bit off, so if you want to peek at it again, or jsheps or Domino's or other entries, you'll get a better idea of how it should flow. Again, thanks so very much! xoxoxoxoxox

Comment from jshep

Excellent

First off, sweet girl, thanks for entering the contest. A very dramatic and fantasticly described poem. For an old subject, you have revived it beautifully. You have the right idea, but I did find your iambic pentameter needs a bit of work. Your stress seemed to be off on several sentences - daDUM, daDUM, daDUM, daDUM, daDUM. Took me months after I started writing sonnets before it just clicked. Will give a couple of examples:

In the ICY depths her SORrow-song SOUNDS- In ICy DEPTHS her SONG of SORrow SOUNDS

EMbedded AND enTOMBED

of her ill fortune - of her fortune ill

greed she went down- greed in depth went down

Just some examples to change the emphasis to the right syllabes. I am sure you get the idea. With adjustments on meter this would truly be an exceptional work, Chris. If you have any problem we redoing the meter on the off lines, I will be happy to help if I can. Joyce


Have taken another look. You learn fast, my dear. Other than one line, you are right on.

'Naught will sink her!" many had once said. 9 syllables

"Aye, naughtw ill sink her!? Many had once said. - 10 syllables

YOu have done a fantastic job with this and I would say it is a front runner in the competition. Hugs, Joyce

 Comment Written 08-Jan-2009

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reply by the author on 08-Jan-2009

To say I appreciate your comments and help is not saying enough my friend. I knew it was off, couldn't pinpoint where, and added the comment in my notes about "comments welcome". I have taken on board what you've suggested, amended it to reflect this, so if you had the time to have another look, please let me know what you think.

And by the way, thank YOU for hosting this contest. I thought I'd have a go at a sonnet for the first time, and I'm glad it's your contest I've entered. Again, thanks so very much for your continued help and support xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

reply by jshep on 08-Jan-2009

Hi, Chris. I went back in and reread and upgraded rating. You have done a great job. One line was short a syllable and have noted that in the review. This is a firecracker. Joycexx

reply by the author on 08-Jan-2009

Thankyou again!! I know the line you mention, and have fixed it already. As I've said, I truly appreciate your efforts and help in this. But I'm also very happy you like it in its current form. Bless you dear friend! xoxoxoxoxoxo

Comment from luna

Excellent

Well, I love Titanic history and you've told this tale quite beautifully in a poetic fashion. I'm not really good with iambic pentameter so I can't critique you on that, but I can say that this poem was a joy to read, and wish you the best of luck in the contest.

All the best,

Luna *smile*

 Comment Written 08-Jan-2009

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reply by the author on 08-Jan-2009

Thanks so much Luna. I'm not great on it either, but have had some suggestions given which have helped a huge amount. I do appreciate you stopping by, and your excellent comments my friend xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoo

Comment from Domino

Excellent

Hi, Cwazy
Maybe increase the font size ta avoid the necessity of my requiring binoculars? LOL!

OK, I'll Be 'NICE', I hope;

'In the icy depths her sorrow-song sounds' - emphasis needs ta be on second and then alternate syllables, whereas 'the' isn't emphasised and is a 'da' instead of a 'DUM'. I'd suggest;

'In-IC-y-DEPTHS-her-SORRow-SONG-a-BOUNDS' ?
I won't disect each line, but think it needs a little work. Each line needs ta sound-
'da-DUM, da-DUM, da-DUM, da-DUM' = 10syllables.
In my example above, the lower case syllables are the un-stressed 'das' and the higher case are theSTRESSED 'DUMs'

Hope you're not offended as you asked for advice.
Cheers, lovely one. Love, Ray xx

UPDATE
WHAT A FANTASTIC IMPROVEMENT - YOURE A NATURAL
KWISSEY, KWISSEY

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 Comment Written 08-Jan-2009

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reply by the author on 08-Jan-2009

You're spot on Guv! I just couldn't pick where I was out exactly, but thanks to you and Joyce I think I may have got the idea. If you have the time to pop in and have another look, please let me know what you think of its amended form.

Regardless, I appreciate very much how much help you have offered me here. I were a bit afraid when postin' it, trust me ....

And I am in no way offended my friend (just thought I'd mention that)! All constructive criticism is gratefully accepted by this humble Aussie gal. WUV YA, crazy bugger xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

reply by Domino on 08-Jan-2009

I can't believe the amazing improvement, Chris. Sh*t, now thanks ta me you're gonna win - I BET YA! But only if ya change one last dodgy line;

Faces white, afloat in wide-eyed death â?? only nine syllables and the meterâ??s out.
Easy â?? just add â??Theirâ?? at starta line

I've upgraded me rating. Ray xx

reply by the author on 08-Jan-2009

Aw shucks, thanks Way. I did find that missing syllable bit and fixed it accordingly. But I think, even still, I have huge competition with your computer divorce...who woulda thunk it but you Guv? Again, thanks so much * sloppy kisses and BIG bear hugs * xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxo

Comment from rmdelta

Excellent

chris,

this is a very strong contest entry, in my uneducated opinion. I don't know the difference in an Italian and English sonnet, but I know what I like and what I don't. I like this one. Well done, my friend.

Reggie

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 Comment Written 08-Jan-2009

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reply by the author on 08-Jan-2009

Thanks so much Reggie. I have amended this to suit the sonnet form more, so if you wanted to pop in and have a quick look, please do (no need to re-review). Again, thanks so much for your comments and support my friend xoxoxoxoxoxxo