The Letters
How quickly life can change.21 total reviews
Comment from Rachelle Allen
Oh, Barry! You did a FANTASTIC job with this! Everybody got a sour taste of their just desserts, didn't they? Very O. Henry-esque in his famous 'The Gift of the Magi,' one of my all-time favorite short stories.
You drew your characters so fully fleshed out that they seemed like real people to me. Your writing is tight and SO cogent and articulate, yet still it was full of expressiveness and emotion. That's a fine line to walk, but you did it with aplomb and panache!
I totally enjoyed this. Thank you for this excellent, entertaining read this evening.
Two teeny weeny spags:
Cannot wait until your back [you're instead of your]
"What am I going to do. What about Brett.?" [Delete period before question mark.]
Best of luck to you in the contest, Barry. To me, this one has Winner's Circle ALLLL over it!! Hope I'm right. xoxo
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2025
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Oh, Barry! You did a FANTASTIC job with this! Everybody got a sour taste of their just desserts, didn't they? Very O. Henry-esque in his famous 'The Gift of the Magi,' one of my all-time favorite short stories.
You drew your characters so fully fleshed out that they seemed like real people to me. Your writing is tight and SO cogent and articulate, yet still it was full of expressiveness and emotion. That's a fine line to walk, but you did it with aplomb and panache!
I totally enjoyed this. Thank you for this excellent, entertaining read this evening.
Two teeny weeny spags:
Cannot wait until your back [you're instead of your]
"What am I going to do. What about Brett.?" [Delete period before question mark.]
Best of luck to you in the contest, Barry. To me, this one has Winner's Circle ALLLL over it!! Hope I'm right. xoxo
Comment Written 05-Apr-2025
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2025
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Rachelle,
Thanks so much for your great review. I hereby appoint you judge of the competition. Lol. Also, thanks for the editing tips. You take care.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
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I'd LOVE that job!!! Only quality pieces would win anymore on here; I can promise you that!!! xoxox
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The job is yours. Start immediately. Take care.
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Hahahaha
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Well, there's a nice circular feel to this piece. I wonder how the mum's day went! lol
A few things to tidy up the write I jotted down as I read through but this works well.
"Let me tell you about my day" - need punctuation before the closing speech marks needed here.
Great hey. Cannot wait until your back - you're in this instance.
Love you".He disconnected - have the period inside of the speech marks and a space after them.
"Hurry up Louise and Brett" - need punctuation before the closing speech marks needed here.
Why bail out on me.?" - delete the period.
Why had he sent it here.? - delete the period.
"Oh Naturally. What about me. Hey. Just hang around with you in the recovery ward. Shit" - need punctuation before the closing speech marks.
"What am I going to do. What about Brett.?" - delete the period.
Why had this happened now.? - delete the period here.
All the best
GMG
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2025
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Hi there,
Well, there's a nice circular feel to this piece. I wonder how the mum's day went! lol
A few things to tidy up the write I jotted down as I read through but this works well.
"Let me tell you about my day" - need punctuation before the closing speech marks needed here.
Great hey. Cannot wait until your back - you're in this instance.
Love you".He disconnected - have the period inside of the speech marks and a space after them.
"Hurry up Louise and Brett" - need punctuation before the closing speech marks needed here.
Why bail out on me.?" - delete the period.
Why had he sent it here.? - delete the period.
"Oh Naturally. What about me. Hey. Just hang around with you in the recovery ward. Shit" - need punctuation before the closing speech marks.
"What am I going to do. What about Brett.?" - delete the period.
Why had this happened now.? - delete the period here.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Apr-2025
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2025
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Thanks so much for your review. Your editing tips are appreciated, and I will get to them in the morning. Take care and have a wonderful day.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
You have a very good contest entry. The story line and message are wonderful. Please edit. Good luck with the contest.
Cannot wait until your back. (until you're back.)
Love you".He disconnected as he strolled to the kitchen. (Love you." He)
"Hurry up Louise and Brett" he prompted and turned to the empty kitchen. (Brett," he prompted)
I quit editing here. This needs a good edit. Please what your dialogue.)
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2025
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You have a very good contest entry. The story line and message are wonderful. Please edit. Good luck with the contest.
Cannot wait until your back. (until you're back.)
Love you".He disconnected as he strolled to the kitchen. (Love you." He)
"Hurry up Louise and Brett" he prompted and turned to the empty kitchen. (Brett," he prompted)
I quit editing here. This needs a good edit. Please what your dialogue.)
Comment Written 04-Apr-2025
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2025
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Barbara, Thanks for your review and tips on editing. Much appreciated. Take care.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Nicely written. I thought Mum was going to say that her 'man' had returned from the past and needed her room. Louise would have to move.
"Hurry up Louise and Brett" he prompted and turned to the empty kitchen. - Needs a comma after 'Brett'. And another after 'turned'.
There was something different. Not dangerous, just different. - I know that many punctuation rules have been tossed in favor of personal expression but this could have been made into a single sentence with the same dramatic effect.
Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2025
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Nicely written. I thought Mum was going to say that her 'man' had returned from the past and needed her room. Louise would have to move.
"Hurry up Louise and Brett" he prompted and turned to the empty kitchen. - Needs a comma after 'Brett'. And another after 'turned'.
There was something different. Not dangerous, just different. - I know that many punctuation rules have been tossed in favor of personal expression but this could have been made into a single sentence with the same dramatic effect.
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 04-Apr-2025
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2025
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Wayne,
Thanks for your review. Yes, Mum getting her man back would have been a nice little twist as well. Thanks also for the edit tips. Take care and have a wonderful day.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
Comment from Wendy G
Well, thatday was the start of a lot of pain for both of them, and six lives in all were impacted by his insensitivity and/or different priorities. Well written. Best wishes for the contest.
Wendy
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2025
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Well, thatday was the start of a lot of pain for both of them, and six lives in all were impacted by his insensitivity and/or different priorities. Well written. Best wishes for the contest.
Wendy
Comment Written 03-Apr-2025
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2025
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Thanks for the great review. Take care and have a wonderful day.
Comment from Slo_6
I like the wraparound in this story. Good job tying it together.
Here are a few thoughts and things I picked up with fresh eyes.
Hey honey, it is me, guess what? I got the promotion. Great hey. Cannot wait until your back. I will chill the Sparkling. --> Most of your grammar is very good, but this section was curious. Did you want it to look different because it was a voicemail?
It is me, --> I don't think I've ever once in my life heard someone say, "it is me" instead of "it's me." Your experience or local vernacular might be different. Also, I would end the sentence there. "Guess what?" Can be its own sentence.
Great hey --> I think you want a question mark after "hey," but I'm not sure.
Cannot wait until your back. --> you're.
I don't think "Sparkling" is a proper noun that needs to be capitalized.
Also,
Why bail out on me.?" --> extra period before the question mark.
I'm not sure how I feel about getting Louise's feelings interspersed with Bobby's letter. As an experiment, you might try to hold her thoughts until after we, the reader, finish the letter. Alternatively, if you really like interjecting her reactions, consider going bigger with it. "Louise was angry" and "This was a goodbye" didn't feel important or informative enough to interrupt the letter.
Thanks for posting. Good luck.
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2025
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I like the wraparound in this story. Good job tying it together.
Here are a few thoughts and things I picked up with fresh eyes.
Hey honey, it is me, guess what? I got the promotion. Great hey. Cannot wait until your back. I will chill the Sparkling. --> Most of your grammar is very good, but this section was curious. Did you want it to look different because it was a voicemail?
It is me, --> I don't think I've ever once in my life heard someone say, "it is me" instead of "it's me." Your experience or local vernacular might be different. Also, I would end the sentence there. "Guess what?" Can be its own sentence.
Great hey --> I think you want a question mark after "hey," but I'm not sure.
Cannot wait until your back. --> you're.
I don't think "Sparkling" is a proper noun that needs to be capitalized.
Also,
Why bail out on me.?" --> extra period before the question mark.
I'm not sure how I feel about getting Louise's feelings interspersed with Bobby's letter. As an experiment, you might try to hold her thoughts until after we, the reader, finish the letter. Alternatively, if you really like interjecting her reactions, consider going bigger with it. "Louise was angry" and "This was a goodbye" didn't feel important or informative enough to interrupt the letter.
Thanks for posting. Good luck.
Comment Written 03-Apr-2025
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2025
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Thanks for the comprehensive review. I appreciate your suggestions and will look at implementing some of them. Take care.
Comment from Karen Cherry
What a soap opera. Why do people have affairs with married people and then think they will be honest and true? They already have proven they are not honest people. Louise and her husband were not a good match.
They should have divorced years ago, since he was AWOL.
most of the time. Good writing. Karen
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2025
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What a soap opera. Why do people have affairs with married people and then think they will be honest and true? They already have proven they are not honest people. Louise and her husband were not a good match.
They should have divorced years ago, since he was AWOL.
most of the time. Good writing. Karen
Comment Written 03-Apr-2025
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2025
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Thanks, Karen, for the review. Indeed, why do people have affairs with married persons.? Has been going on for years and years. Take care and thanks for reading.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
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I understand single people not wanting to be tied down forever to one person for various reasons. But once you gave committed verbally or on paper, it becomes one plus one.
Not 1 plus 1,2,3,4.....Karen
Comment from royowen
I love the letters, and reveal the thoughts and conclusions that infest mankind, who knows who's right in these situations, only God Himself lknows the whole story of any situation, humans can merely but navigate their lives as best they can. Beautifully written Barry, blessings Roy
Typo : Peace and (quite) was needed.
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2025
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I love the letters, and reveal the thoughts and conclusions that infest mankind, who knows who's right in these situations, only God Himself lknows the whole story of any situation, humans can merely but navigate their lives as best they can. Beautifully written Barry, blessings Roy
Typo : Peace and (quite) was needed.
Comment Written 03-Apr-2025
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2025
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Roy, thanks so much for your review. Glad you enjoyed it. You are correct that only God knows the whole story of any situation. Navigating life can be so difficult at times. Take care.
Regards
Barry
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Well done
Comment from Tim Margetts
You've taken the prompts opening line and spun it into something far more poignant here, Barry.
There's real emotional layering in this one. Malcolm's elation, so grounded and believable, makes the moment of collapse genuinely affecting. You walk us through his self-congratulation, his slow realisation, and his gut-punch discovery with careful pacing. It hurts because he was so sure. Because he thought he'd done everything right.
And then Louise's section deepens it. Her voice feels distinct and weary, full of quiet regret but also some rightful self-protection. The final gut twist-Bobby pulling away-adds a new shade of grey.
There are no villains here, just people trying, failing, and hurting. The tonal match between Malcolm's devastation and Louise's crumbling hope gives the whole piece a symmetry that's very satisfying.
The return of the phrase "Let me tell you about my day" at the end is a brilliant move-it lands with such quiet irony, wrapping the structure beautifully.
Minor notes:
A few tense slips here and there (e.g. "Louise j released" looks like a typo), and the dialogue formatting could be refined for easier reading.
You might consider splitting Louise's section into a few shorter paragraphs for rhythm and breath, especially around the emotional pivots.
But those are polish points. What you've written here is layered, human, and full of emotional resonance.
Tim
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2025
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You've taken the prompts opening line and spun it into something far more poignant here, Barry.
There's real emotional layering in this one. Malcolm's elation, so grounded and believable, makes the moment of collapse genuinely affecting. You walk us through his self-congratulation, his slow realisation, and his gut-punch discovery with careful pacing. It hurts because he was so sure. Because he thought he'd done everything right.
And then Louise's section deepens it. Her voice feels distinct and weary, full of quiet regret but also some rightful self-protection. The final gut twist-Bobby pulling away-adds a new shade of grey.
There are no villains here, just people trying, failing, and hurting. The tonal match between Malcolm's devastation and Louise's crumbling hope gives the whole piece a symmetry that's very satisfying.
The return of the phrase "Let me tell you about my day" at the end is a brilliant move-it lands with such quiet irony, wrapping the structure beautifully.
Minor notes:
A few tense slips here and there (e.g. "Louise j released" looks like a typo), and the dialogue formatting could be refined for easier reading.
You might consider splitting Louise's section into a few shorter paragraphs for rhythm and breath, especially around the emotional pivots.
But those are polish points. What you've written here is layered, human, and full of emotional resonance.
Tim
Comment Written 03-Apr-2025
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2025
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Tim,
Thanks so much for your comprehensive review. I am glad you enjoyed the read. Thanks for your tips re polishing it up a bit. Take care and have a most wonderful day.
Regards
Barry
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
I really enjoyed how you shared the emotional struggle of both Malcolm and Louise. I liked how you shared Malcolm's joy about the promotion. And the hurt as he discovers what's really going on. Louise's emotions and the sense of disappointment are felt deeply. I think you did a great job creating characters that felt so real. Good luck in the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2025
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I really enjoyed how you shared the emotional struggle of both Malcolm and Louise. I liked how you shared Malcolm's joy about the promotion. And the hurt as he discovers what's really going on. Louise's emotions and the sense of disappointment are felt deeply. I think you did a great job creating characters that felt so real. Good luck in the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Apr-2025
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2025
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Michael,
Thanks for your great review. I do try to get the "real" feel. I am glad you felt it. Take care and have a wonderful day.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
