Comment from lyenochka

Excellent

Hooray for Grandma Marie! She is determined to help get her grandson back! And hooray for Dana! She knows what she's doing and will definitely be a help to Fran. I think those two no-goodniks are in for a bad surprise.
I guess because Woody is at the backdoor, they decided against it? Otherwise, it was left unlocked you mentioned.

 Comment Written 21-Mar-2025

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reply by the author on 21-Mar-2025

I think you're probably right about the bad surprise, Helen, from these intrepid women!

The unlocked back door will become relevant in the next chapter.

Comment from Wendy G

Excellent

A very dramatic chapter. I was surprised Marie was able to get into the car unnoticed as it was locked until the others were about to get in, and that she was able to remain unnoticed, but otherwise realistic. Dana remains in character with her impetuous nature. Unfortunately their entry will have been noticed by the tiny cameras and the guy at the screen - and imperceptible cameras should have been expected. But I thoroughly enjoyed the chapter , and am looking forward to watching Woody and his partner being taken down. Well written, of course.
Wendy

 Comment Written 20-Mar-2025

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reply by the author on 21-Mar-2025

Thanks so much, Wendy. All three of these intrepid women will get to play a role in the next few chapters.

I'm not really sure why I had Fran give the key fob back to Dana, when she will be driving again. Perhaps I'll change that, but she didn't lock up the car when they went inside Brian's house. Marie ducked out when she said she was going to get a drink, found the car unlocked, and crawled in on the floor of the back seat to hide.

I actually did some research about that (there's a surprise) to see if it was feasible for a person to remain hidden like that, and my bot said that if it was a luxury sedan (which most likely Dana drove) with high-backed seats and a high center console, it's very possible a small person like Marie lying on the back floor could go unnoticed, especially if the people in front were highly focused on another task.

reply by Wendy G on 21-Mar-2025

Lol. Well done, doing the research - I should have known you would anticipate my thought.

Comment from Cecilia A Heiskary

Excellent

Jim,

This is a wonderful chapter to the book. I haven't decided if Dana is brave or stupid. I'm sure Fran is torn, but at this point what choice does she have.

Cecilia

 Comment Written 20-Mar-2025

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reply by the author on 21-Mar-2025

Thanks so much, Cecilia. Dana is probably a little of both! She's a thrill-seeker to be sure. In reality, an FBI agent probably wouldn't have allowed her to come, but you can make anything happen in a novel.

Comment from Wayne Fowler

Excellent

Nicely written.
Once I decided to suspend all belief in reality (Marie unseen in the back seat, and Fran accepting Dana) I got on board, seeing the 'movie' as more slap-stick than real.
"It ought to come soon. Do you have a landline here?"
"Yeah." - rather than mundane verbiage, this could have been narrated with 3rd person descriptions of Brian's nervousness, sidebars into his thoughts of abandoning Julia to rescue their son, his insistence on the project over threats to his family, his capacity to judge people (Woody), and maybe much more.
Best wishes.

 Comment Written 20-Mar-2025

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reply by the author on 21-Mar-2025

Thanks, Wayne. Glad you could get into the spirit of this highly improbable ending. Not really going for strict reality here. Just having a bit of fun. Something akin to spry, 160-year-old Slim. : )

reply by Wayne Fowler on 21-Mar-2025

140, but who's counting?

Comment from Michael Ludwinder

Excellent

Your chapter had me hooked from the first line! I love how you built up the tension while keeping the dialogue so natural - it made everything feel real. The way Marie popped up in the back seat had me laughing. You turned up the suspense with Johnny's asthma. That last moment at the door seems like the perfect setup for what's coming next! Can't wait to see how this unfolds!

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 Comment Written 20-Mar-2025

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reply by the author on 21-Mar-2025

Thank you, Michael. Glad you enjoyed the bit of comic relief provided by Marie. I think you will enjoy the part she plays here at the end.

Comment from Debbie D'Arcy

Excellent

A thrilling chapter, Jim, with some contrasting, dramatic relief with Marie and Dana. In character that Dana wouldn't be able to stay in the car. I just hope Marie behaves herself! Fran has done well so far opening the sidelight. But then you leave us at a critical moment, Jim! This could go either way for the intrepid women.
Possible edit: "I hadn't really planned to go in there alone (just scout out the place). (B)ut I think we've got to now." - I'm just trying to get rid of an extra 'but.'
Thank you for sharing, Jim! Loved it! (As long as you're sure they shouldn't have waited for the police with a baby involved) Take care Debbie

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 Comment Written 20-Mar-2025

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reply by the author on 21-Mar-2025

Thanks, Debbie. Glad you enjoyed the bit of comic relief provided by Marie in this otherwise tense situation. She will have a prominent role in the chapters to follow.

I think it was hearing Johnny's rasping breath that convinced Fran she had to attempt the rescue without waiting for backup. Asthma can progress rapidly into a fatal condition under that kind of stress.

I like your suggestion about eliminating the extra "but." Thanks!