Hunger
A little found footage horror story.13 total reviews
Comment from Cecilia A Heiskary
Hi Cassandra,
What a great story. You pulled me into the story and kept me wanting more. It is beautifully written.
I found just a couple typo:
A month after our exchange he vanished. Shortly after that I {recieved} a
postcard from him saying.
It stopped and shook convulsively then it opened its mouth {which} loud agonized screams erupted then black silence.
Good luck on the contest
Cecilia
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2024
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Hi Cassandra,
What a great story. You pulled me into the story and kept me wanting more. It is beautifully written.
I found just a couple typo:
A month after our exchange he vanished. Shortly after that I {recieved} a
postcard from him saying.
It stopped and shook convulsively then it opened its mouth {which} loud agonized screams erupted then black silence.
Good luck on the contest
Cecilia
Comment Written 26-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2024
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Thank you for the tips. I went over the story again but the words recieved and which are already in. Did I miss something?
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Hi Cassandra,
1)Received vs recieved
Cecilia
2) Which should be with.
Sorry I should have been more specific.
Comment from phill doran
Hello Cassandra,
This could be a very good tale, but it is perhaps spoiled by poor editing. These are some of the errors and easy to pick up, but they are correctable.
I strongly suggest you proof your work before you post it. As I say, this tale a good idea but the errors distract the reader -
The video thenb focused on the entrance (then)
remains of sand bag and bamboo (sandbag)
and contactacting like minded armchair sleuths. (contacting like-minded)
what happened.Their leader, Tom was evasive (happened. Their)
human corpses frozen in terror. "Michael (corpses frozen - remove extra space)
concentrated on guant, cadaverous (gaunt)
then it opened it's mouth (its)
Tom mumbled an I dunno know. I declared ("I dunno" or "I don't know")
After gettin g everything (getting)
During the in flight I was paying (inflight)
After arriving and meet5ing Tom and his (arriving and - remove extra space)
THey were cluster bombs. A reminder (They)
headlamps and flash lights, letting our (flashlights)
lying aroun d but no bodies. (around)
the distance. shufflings. The sounds came (distance, shuffling)
the cave echoing , growing louder (echoing, growing - remove extra space)
Wee were relieved and ran up to them. (We)
the lieutantant recognized the (lieutenant)
started shaking spasmotically. When they (spasmodically)
THere was an explosive flash (There)
I heard Michael waking my up. I opened (waking me up)
I felt his presencelike he was inside me. (presence, like)
an intatiable hunger until we are (insatiable)
I wish you well with your continued writing.
cheers
phill
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reply by the author on 26-Oct-2024
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Hello Cassandra,
This could be a very good tale, but it is perhaps spoiled by poor editing. These are some of the errors and easy to pick up, but they are correctable.
I strongly suggest you proof your work before you post it. As I say, this tale a good idea but the errors distract the reader -
The video thenb focused on the entrance (then)
remains of sand bag and bamboo (sandbag)
and contactacting like minded armchair sleuths. (contacting like-minded)
what happened.Their leader, Tom was evasive (happened. Their)
human corpses frozen in terror. "Michael (corpses frozen - remove extra space)
concentrated on guant, cadaverous (gaunt)
then it opened it's mouth (its)
Tom mumbled an I dunno know. I declared ("I dunno" or "I don't know")
After gettin g everything (getting)
During the in flight I was paying (inflight)
After arriving and meet5ing Tom and his (arriving and - remove extra space)
THey were cluster bombs. A reminder (They)
headlamps and flash lights, letting our (flashlights)
lying aroun d but no bodies. (around)
the distance. shufflings. The sounds came (distance, shuffling)
the cave echoing , growing louder (echoing, growing - remove extra space)
Wee were relieved and ran up to them. (We)
the lieutantant recognized the (lieutenant)
started shaking spasmotically. When they (spasmodically)
THere was an explosive flash (There)
I heard Michael waking my up. I opened (waking me up)
I felt his presencelike he was inside me. (presence, like)
an intatiable hunger until we are (insatiable)
I wish you well with your continued writing.
cheers
phill
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2024
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Thank you for pointing those out. I was using the library's computer and was pressed for time. Hopefully I made all the corrections needed. Thanks again!
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
Wow! This is such a intense journey! I felt the anticipation in every step leading to that final moment. The details about the Laotian landscape and the dark mystery of the cave all made the the world come alive. And that ending - it's perfect. Such a enjoyable read!
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2024
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Wow! This is such a intense journey! I felt the anticipation in every step leading to that final moment. The details about the Laotian landscape and the dark mystery of the cave all made the the world come alive. And that ending - it's perfect. Such a enjoyable read!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2024
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Thank you! I'm happy that you enjoyed it!
