Grandpa's House
Memories of grandpa's house13 total reviews
Comment from Patrick Bernardy
Hello Cecilia!
It's great to meet you, and welcome to FanStory! This time of year, there are such a feast of ghost stories around! Your tale of "grandpa's house" was shocking and Grade-A creepy, make no mistake! I do find it fascinating that your Grandpa took all of these incidents the way he did. I think the most surreal scene was the one you described when the rocking chair started moving. Maybe it WAS your grandmother? *shrugs*
I have to admit that the end left so many tantalizing questions about what happened to Joe Ross and what your grandpa had to do with it. True or else fictionalized, that would be a great read!
Some Thoughts As I Read:
---"I don't remember my grandmother, other than the fact that she had a deep gruff voice and looked scary." --This is excellent characterization for your grandmother for the reader. It gives us her persona from your point-of-view when you were younger.
---"The house always had a spooky feel to it and my mother and aunt always talked about the ghostly apparition of a women who would appear under the large maple tree in the front yard." --Yeah ... no way. So, I believe all of this, and I'll tell you why. I have a similar family story from when I was four or five years-old. My older sister when she was twelve had a slumber party with six other girls upstairs in this house we lived in at the time. They were having a seance and something TERRIFIED them so badly that all of them called their parents to come and get them in the middle of the night. There were other encounters with this ghost named Mrs. Myers. My mom, my dad, and the next door neighbors all saw her. I never did, though. But I believe something was going on.
---"There were pictures on the wall that had eyes that seemed to follow you when you moved.' --Yeah, this is VERY creepy. I imagine all these sepia-toned pictures of old relatives from the turn of the century. Something about those old photographs just scream spooky.
---"one of the knives raised up and went flying towards our head." --Wow, what an experience this must have been for you!
What follows are some things I think you can do grammatically to make your gripping story better for the contest. Please feel free to disregard any of them if you disagree:
---The first issue has to do with placing a comma before the conjunction connecting two independent clauses. I pulled out three of these for you, but there are a few more. If you wish for me to locate all of them for you, just let me know in your reply, and I will find them again and send them all to you.
---"ground to about six feet up[,] and the rest was made of wood shingles painted brown, with an olive-green trim."
---"Walking towards the left was the living room[,] and off the living room was grandpa's bedroom and a set of stairs to the top floor."
---"The house always had a spooky feel to it[,] and my mother and aunt always talked about the ghostly apparition"
---"Standing in the front of the house [there] was a front door" --I would eliminate "there" as unecessary.
---"To the right there was an[d] enclosed porch that led to the kitchen." --I think this is a typo where "and" should be "an."
---"Then of[f] course my mother, older brother and younger sister." --Another typo where "off" should be "of."
---"Some of you may or may not believe in ghost, but I'm here to tell you otherwise." --I think that "ghost" in this sentence should be plural "ghosts."
---"This may have been my nine-year-old self having an over[ ]active imagination." --It should be "overactive."
---"Imagine how eight- and nine-year old[']s felt?" --Remove apostrophe as this is not possessive.
---"We weren't sleeping so[,] we decided to sneak down to the" --Remove comma.
---"We were whispering softly[,] as we were getting our slices of bread when out of know where one of the knives raised up and went flying towards our head." --Two issues with this sentence. First one is just to remove the comma after "softly." The second issue has to do with word agreement. The word "head" is singular and therefore cannot follow "our." I recommend rewording this sentence for better clarity. At the very least, the easy route would be to just make it "heads."
---"Another harrowing experience was the rocking chair. Grandpa and I were in the living room watching [tv]" --The proper style for literary or journalistic writing is to capitalize this to "TV."
---"Ella was my grandmother[']s name." --A possessive apostrophe needed here.
---"Grandpa was bed[-]ridden by now and so when my mother." --"Bedridden" is one word.
---"He dilly[-]dallied up[ ]stairs for reasons known only to himself." --"Dilly-dallied" needs a hyphen. "Upstairs" is one word.
---"On a side note there wasn't a [sole] in the family that wanted that house." --Word choice here. I think you meant "soul."
I think you do a great job with your story, Cecilia. Like any of our works, we sometimes need an editor to come in and catch some these things I mentioned above. I hope very much they were helpful to you! I only ever want to help writers on their journey to improve in their craft. Let me know if you have any questions, or if you would like me to pull out the rest of the conjunctive commas. Good luck in the contest! I hope you do well!
Patrick
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2024
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Hello Cecilia!
It's great to meet you, and welcome to FanStory! This time of year, there are such a feast of ghost stories around! Your tale of "grandpa's house" was shocking and Grade-A creepy, make no mistake! I do find it fascinating that your Grandpa took all of these incidents the way he did. I think the most surreal scene was the one you described when the rocking chair started moving. Maybe it WAS your grandmother? *shrugs*
I have to admit that the end left so many tantalizing questions about what happened to Joe Ross and what your grandpa had to do with it. True or else fictionalized, that would be a great read!
Some Thoughts As I Read:
---"I don't remember my grandmother, other than the fact that she had a deep gruff voice and looked scary." --This is excellent characterization for your grandmother for the reader. It gives us her persona from your point-of-view when you were younger.
---"The house always had a spooky feel to it and my mother and aunt always talked about the ghostly apparition of a women who would appear under the large maple tree in the front yard." --Yeah ... no way. So, I believe all of this, and I'll tell you why. I have a similar family story from when I was four or five years-old. My older sister when she was twelve had a slumber party with six other girls upstairs in this house we lived in at the time. They were having a seance and something TERRIFIED them so badly that all of them called their parents to come and get them in the middle of the night. There were other encounters with this ghost named Mrs. Myers. My mom, my dad, and the next door neighbors all saw her. I never did, though. But I believe something was going on.
---"There were pictures on the wall that had eyes that seemed to follow you when you moved.' --Yeah, this is VERY creepy. I imagine all these sepia-toned pictures of old relatives from the turn of the century. Something about those old photographs just scream spooky.
---"one of the knives raised up and went flying towards our head." --Wow, what an experience this must have been for you!
What follows are some things I think you can do grammatically to make your gripping story better for the contest. Please feel free to disregard any of them if you disagree:
---The first issue has to do with placing a comma before the conjunction connecting two independent clauses. I pulled out three of these for you, but there are a few more. If you wish for me to locate all of them for you, just let me know in your reply, and I will find them again and send them all to you.
---"ground to about six feet up[,] and the rest was made of wood shingles painted brown, with an olive-green trim."
---"Walking towards the left was the living room[,] and off the living room was grandpa's bedroom and a set of stairs to the top floor."
---"The house always had a spooky feel to it[,] and my mother and aunt always talked about the ghostly apparition"
---"Standing in the front of the house [there] was a front door" --I would eliminate "there" as unecessary.
---"To the right there was an[d] enclosed porch that led to the kitchen." --I think this is a typo where "and" should be "an."
---"Then of[f] course my mother, older brother and younger sister." --Another typo where "off" should be "of."
---"Some of you may or may not believe in ghost, but I'm here to tell you otherwise." --I think that "ghost" in this sentence should be plural "ghosts."
---"This may have been my nine-year-old self having an over[ ]active imagination." --It should be "overactive."
---"Imagine how eight- and nine-year old[']s felt?" --Remove apostrophe as this is not possessive.
---"We weren't sleeping so[,] we decided to sneak down to the" --Remove comma.
---"We were whispering softly[,] as we were getting our slices of bread when out of know where one of the knives raised up and went flying towards our head." --Two issues with this sentence. First one is just to remove the comma after "softly." The second issue has to do with word agreement. The word "head" is singular and therefore cannot follow "our." I recommend rewording this sentence for better clarity. At the very least, the easy route would be to just make it "heads."
---"Another harrowing experience was the rocking chair. Grandpa and I were in the living room watching [tv]" --The proper style for literary or journalistic writing is to capitalize this to "TV."
---"Ella was my grandmother[']s name." --A possessive apostrophe needed here.
---"Grandpa was bed[-]ridden by now and so when my mother." --"Bedridden" is one word.
---"He dilly[-]dallied up[ ]stairs for reasons known only to himself." --"Dilly-dallied" needs a hyphen. "Upstairs" is one word.
---"On a side note there wasn't a [sole] in the family that wanted that house." --Word choice here. I think you meant "soul."
I think you do a great job with your story, Cecilia. Like any of our works, we sometimes need an editor to come in and catch some these things I mentioned above. I hope very much they were helpful to you! I only ever want to help writers on their journey to improve in their craft. Let me know if you have any questions, or if you would like me to pull out the rest of the conjunctive commas. Good luck in the contest! I hope you do well!
Patrick
Comment Written 21-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2024
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Patrick,
Thank you very much for the review. I really appreciate the help with my errors and would much appreciate you finding the rest of them for me. You are very kind for helping me. Are you a English Major or Teacher? you are very good at this. I will correct the errors. Thank you again.
Comment from royowen
An excellent story! It could be told around a campfire, and I believe it would be a riot if shared there. You wrote this very well indeed, your ancestry would be very similar to people of my country which was settled by people from many lands, beautifully written Cecilia, blessings Roy
Typo : Believe in ghost(s) 2: there wasn't a (sole) in the family. Soul? 3: Of the cellar (were) where?
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2024
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An excellent story! It could be told around a campfire, and I believe it would be a riot if shared there. You wrote this very well indeed, your ancestry would be very similar to people of my country which was settled by people from many lands, beautifully written Cecilia, blessings Roy
Typo : Believe in ghost(s) 2: there wasn't a (sole) in the family. Soul? 3: Of the cellar (were) where?
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2024
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Roy thank you again for the kind review. Yes, it would be fun times with my cousins telling their tales around a campfire. We'd probably scare each other to death.
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Welcome Cecilia
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Bless you
Comment from Begin Again
I've had some strange things happen to me, but your story beats all of them. There is no way I would want to own that house, either. I'm glad that finally someone was able to make it their home, though.
Smiles, Carol
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2024
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I've had some strange things happen to me, but your story beats all of them. There is no way I would want to own that house, either. I'm glad that finally someone was able to make it their home, though.
Smiles, Carol
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2024
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Carol,
Thank you. My sister took me to grandpa's house last year and I didn't recognize it. It made me sad.
