Willing Hearts
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "Willing Hearts Chapter 9"Solve a crime and fall in love at the same time?
34 total reviews
Comment from CrystieCookie999
This is a great chapter length. It looks like it's ready to be published somewhere.
I had very little to comment on because it looks pretty polished to me.
The only fixes I saw were teensy-weensy:
"Wait. I hear something and so does Jasper."
I would put a comma after something. That is because you have two independent clauses there.
And also:
I explained our predicament and he agreed to take care of them without mentioning us.
I would put a comma after predicament. That is for the same reason above, I would say.
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2024
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This is a great chapter length. It looks like it's ready to be published somewhere.
I had very little to comment on because it looks pretty polished to me.
The only fixes I saw were teensy-weensy:
"Wait. I hear something and so does Jasper."
I would put a comma after something. That is because you have two independent clauses there.
And also:
I explained our predicament and he agreed to take care of them without mentioning us.
I would put a comma after predicament. That is for the same reason above, I would say.
Comment Written 16-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2024
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You are so right on both of those. Thank you for the catches. I appreciate the help.
Comment from Douglas Goff
Okay. That chapter had a lot. I tried hard to locate an error or mishap.
Could not, darn it. Throw the dog a bone. Ha!
I think you have things humming along nicely and at a proper pace.
D
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2024
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Okay. That chapter had a lot. I tried hard to locate an error or mishap.
Could not, darn it. Throw the dog a bone. Ha!
I think you have things humming along nicely and at a proper pace.
D
Comment Written 16-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2024
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You're wonderful. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from GWHARGIS
Great chapter. I'm glad Sarah is there to de-code Noah's actions and silences. It would be good in real life to have someone like that. Lol. I loved the detail of The dog getting in between Sami and Noah's when they walked the first time. Great chapter. Gretchen
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2024
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Great chapter. I'm glad Sarah is there to de-code Noah's actions and silences. It would be good in real life to have someone like that. Lol. I loved the detail of The dog getting in between Sami and Noah's when they walked the first time. Great chapter. Gretchen
Comment Written 15-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2024
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Thank you for the kind review. Sarah was Noah's partner for a while. Although she understands him, a little, she still doesn't know him.
Comment from robyn corum
Hey, chickee-baby,
How ya doing? Hope you're well. If I have to cut you off sudden, it's 'cause my baby's sleeping and supposed to get up any minute. *smile*
New story - you're amazing! Annnddd I have notes, of course. haha
1.) "Maybe. It's not your worry." He knelt, picked up a small branch, and threw it.
--> Not really sure when they exited. I thought they were still inside. (WHY DOES THIS HOUSE HAVE BRANCHES INSIDE???????) Ohhhh... doi.
2.) "She's angry."
--> that didn't look or sound angry to me -- more like hurt
3.) "One thing's for sure we know Boss won't budge.
--> need some kind of punctuation after 'sure'
4.) When everyone shook their head(s), he continued,
5.) When Bob and Sarah's gaze turned toward her, she said,
--> that's a tricky one - try:
--> when Bob and Sarah turned gazes her way...
6.) Noah's muscular frame filled his doorway
--> filled the doorway of his room
7.) He held it open as Sami and Jasper walked through.
--> I KNOW I MUST have mentioned my dislike of un-grounded its. *smile* You gotta watch your every stinking it. They get wreckless when you don't pay attention. Crazy!
--> He held the door for Sami and Jasper to walk through. (or whatev)
8.) When she turned and faced him, he continued,
--> already used 'when' in this paragraph - and in pretty much the same way
9.) When he swallowed, she added, "It's
--> ditto
10.) When they entered the house, Sami went to the kitchen.
--> ditto the ditto
--> there are more, but I'm not gonna mark them. Now, you'll have to go on a hunt. Seems to be a new habit. I would imagine there may be some up-top I missed?
11.) As he glanced toward the two closed bedroom doors, he picked up some dishes and said,
--> now, that image made me think they were both back in their rooms again so I was really surprised when Noah was right there and heard Jose say this. It even seems like the kind of thing you maybe WOULDN'T say if the boss could hear you.
12.) She nodded and walked through it.
--> now, that time it sounded like she walked through a closed door.
13.) A little over an hour passed, before Sarah and Sami watched through a window a vehicle leave the garage.
--> A little over an hour passed, then Sarah and Sami, watching through a window, saw a vehicle leave the garage.
14.) After everybody sat around the table, Noah continued
--> HAHAHAHAHA!!
--> I just remembered something I chastised you about on several occasions. Starting sentences with:
a.) 'After'
b.) 'When'
c.) some reference to time
d.) the same format - an opening clause then comma - then a bigger, concluding statement.
--> guess what? Go do a search for 'after'
Those things do not help your writing and will lead into passive voice. Look:
After everybody sat around the table, Noah continued,
--> Junk the after and JUMP IN:
--> Everybody sat at the table and Noah clasped his hands together. "To solve...
15.) Bob took a bit of cookie.
--> just checking that you really did mean to say bit and not bite
That's it. (I'm sure that's plenty, huh?) Sorry for the mess. *smile*
I gotta do the four, but will happily change it when/if you decide to revise. Love ya BIG!!!!!
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2024
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Hey, chickee-baby,
How ya doing? Hope you're well. If I have to cut you off sudden, it's 'cause my baby's sleeping and supposed to get up any minute. *smile*
New story - you're amazing! Annnddd I have notes, of course. haha
1.) "Maybe. It's not your worry." He knelt, picked up a small branch, and threw it.
--> Not really sure when they exited. I thought they were still inside. (WHY DOES THIS HOUSE HAVE BRANCHES INSIDE???????) Ohhhh... doi.
2.) "She's angry."
--> that didn't look or sound angry to me -- more like hurt
3.) "One thing's for sure we know Boss won't budge.
--> need some kind of punctuation after 'sure'
4.) When everyone shook their head(s), he continued,
5.) When Bob and Sarah's gaze turned toward her, she said,
--> that's a tricky one - try:
--> when Bob and Sarah turned gazes her way...
6.) Noah's muscular frame filled his doorway
--> filled the doorway of his room
7.) He held it open as Sami and Jasper walked through.
--> I KNOW I MUST have mentioned my dislike of un-grounded its. *smile* You gotta watch your every stinking it. They get wreckless when you don't pay attention. Crazy!
--> He held the door for Sami and Jasper to walk through. (or whatev)
8.) When she turned and faced him, he continued,
--> already used 'when' in this paragraph - and in pretty much the same way
9.) When he swallowed, she added, "It's
--> ditto
10.) When they entered the house, Sami went to the kitchen.
--> ditto the ditto
--> there are more, but I'm not gonna mark them. Now, you'll have to go on a hunt. Seems to be a new habit. I would imagine there may be some up-top I missed?
11.) As he glanced toward the two closed bedroom doors, he picked up some dishes and said,
--> now, that image made me think they were both back in their rooms again so I was really surprised when Noah was right there and heard Jose say this. It even seems like the kind of thing you maybe WOULDN'T say if the boss could hear you.
12.) She nodded and walked through it.
--> now, that time it sounded like she walked through a closed door.
13.) A little over an hour passed, before Sarah and Sami watched through a window a vehicle leave the garage.
--> A little over an hour passed, then Sarah and Sami, watching through a window, saw a vehicle leave the garage.
14.) After everybody sat around the table, Noah continued
--> HAHAHAHAHA!!
--> I just remembered something I chastised you about on several occasions. Starting sentences with:
a.) 'After'
b.) 'When'
c.) some reference to time
d.) the same format - an opening clause then comma - then a bigger, concluding statement.
--> guess what? Go do a search for 'after'
Those things do not help your writing and will lead into passive voice. Look:
After everybody sat around the table, Noah continued,
--> Junk the after and JUMP IN:
--> Everybody sat at the table and Noah clasped his hands together. "To solve...
15.) Bob took a bit of cookie.
--> just checking that you really did mean to say bit and not bite
That's it. (I'm sure that's plenty, huh?) Sorry for the mess. *smile*
I gotta do the four, but will happily change it when/if you decide to revise. Love ya BIG!!!!!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2024
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I did make the edits. I need you to be my editor. Let me know when your life calms down. LOL I do appreciate you.
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hahahaha! I do love it, I admit. Thanks for letting me play in your sandbox
awhile. I miss you. smoooooooches-
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I made all those changes and forgot to save them, so had to go back and do it again. I think I caught all of them the second time around. LOL
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oh, no!!!
Comment from Sharon Elwell
This chapter is clear and builds the tension between Noah and Sami. I'm thinking it would be stronger with one less walk around the pond, but I could be wrong about that.
Awkward sentences:
1."One thing for sure we know Boss won't budge..." Run-on.
2. ",,before Sarah and Sami watched through a window a vehicle leave the garage." ?
3. I'm not sure "dip" should be capitalized in French dip sandwich.
4. "started to participate, but..." would be better if specific.
5. "I hope the men are safe," doesn't sound strong or worried enough.
I hope this helps. Good work!
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2024
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This chapter is clear and builds the tension between Noah and Sami. I'm thinking it would be stronger with one less walk around the pond, but I could be wrong about that.
Awkward sentences:
1."One thing for sure we know Boss won't budge..." Run-on.
2. ",,before Sarah and Sami watched through a window a vehicle leave the garage." ?
3. I'm not sure "dip" should be capitalized in French dip sandwich.
4. "started to participate, but..." would be better if specific.
5. "I hope the men are safe," doesn't sound strong or worried enough.
I hope this helps. Good work!
Comment Written 15-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2024
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Thank you for the kind review and I am checking those areas.
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Wow, the story is getting
interesting. I wish Sami and Noah would communicate better but I understand the reasons why. I guess they will work it out eventually lol
Well done
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2024
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Wow, the story is getting
interesting. I wish Sami and Noah would communicate better but I understand the reasons why. I guess they will work it out eventually lol
Well done
Comment Written 15-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2024
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Ric Myworld
Well, for me, anything about food gets my undivided attention. Of course, if I'm not care it gets me a little bit sidetracked. LOL. There's nothing I'd better seeing someone green trying to milk a cow for the first time.
Thanks for sharing. :-)
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2024
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Well, for me, anything about food gets my undivided attention. Of course, if I'm not care it gets me a little bit sidetracked. LOL. There's nothing I'd better seeing someone green trying to milk a cow for the first time.
Thanks for sharing. :-)
Comment Written 15-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2024
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LOL Thank you for the kind review. But cookies warm from the oven and a cold glass of milk is great!!!
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nothing better! :-)
Comment from Brett Matthew West
Sami tries to blame herself for anything that may have happened at the dance without even knowing if any harm befell anyone there. She must have an awfully guilty conscious.
Does not take Sami long to figure out the real reason Noah wants to traipse off to the city.
Should "standing right here" be standing right there?
Should "I"d be happy too" be I'd be happy to, as in she would be glad to stay out of Noah's way?
So true. As a "system failure" can vouch if "you don't allow people close, you can't get hurt." At least, not that way.
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2024
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Sami tries to blame herself for anything that may have happened at the dance without even knowing if any harm befell anyone there. She must have an awfully guilty conscious.
Does not take Sami long to figure out the real reason Noah wants to traipse off to the city.
Should "standing right here" be standing right there?
Should "I"d be happy too" be I'd be happy to, as in she would be glad to stay out of Noah's way?
So true. As a "system failure" can vouch if "you don't allow people close, you can't get hurt." At least, not that way.
Comment Written 15-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2024
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Sami blames herself for Myra being kidnapped. Thank you for understanding. I appreciate the help with the errors. I have made the corrections.
Comment from royowen
I can see that all the indications are, despite all the signs that Noah and Sami, are actually in love, and quite predictably she thinks that Noah hates her, but shes told that no such thing was true. Beautifully written Barbara, blessings. Roy
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2024
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I can see that all the indications are, despite all the signs that Noah and Sami, are actually in love, and quite predictably she thinks that Noah hates her, but shes told that no such thing was true. Beautifully written Barbara, blessings. Roy
Comment Written 15-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2024
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Thank you for the kind review. Sami's a mess. LOL
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Most welcome
Comment from Sanku
Since I had missed your previous post, i read that first and then this one. I hope the church dance didnt take place and that would make Chen frustrated. I am shocked at why they need young girls .Man's cruelty knows no bounds..
Noah and team did a great job in arresting the thieves ...
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2024
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Since I had missed your previous post, i read that first and then this one. I hope the church dance didnt take place and that would make Chen frustrated. I am shocked at why they need young girls .Man's cruelty knows no bounds..
Noah and team did a great job in arresting the thieves ...
Comment Written 15-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2024
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Thank you for the kind review.