Super Bowl
About the game in rhyme42 total reviews
Comment from Tyler Withrow
That was fun. I can't offer any advice because it is playful and smart and satirical without taking itself seriously. As someone who doesn't know intentional grounding from a false start, this is the sort of poem that speaks to me.
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2024
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That was fun. I can't offer any advice because it is playful and smart and satirical without taking itself seriously. As someone who doesn't know intentional grounding from a false start, this is the sort of poem that speaks to me.
Comment Written 12-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2024
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Hi Tyler, thanks so much for the awesome review and comments for my Super Bowl poem. You are so sweet and I so appreciate it, my very dear friend.
Love, Debi
Comment from LJbutterfly
This is a super, Super Bowl poem. You included many of the considerations of the teams and the game. I don't follow the season, but I do watch the major games. I route for whoever my husband likes. The only team I really tune into is the Philadelphia Eagles, since I'm from Philly. I enjoyed the rhythm and quick movement of your poem as you creatively focused on the main highlights.
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2024
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This is a super, Super Bowl poem. You included many of the considerations of the teams and the game. I don't follow the season, but I do watch the major games. I route for whoever my husband likes. The only team I really tune into is the Philadelphia Eagles, since I'm from Philly. I enjoyed the rhythm and quick movement of your poem as you creatively focused on the main highlights.
Comment Written 12-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2024
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Hi Lorraine, so your favorite team has won a few Super Bowls too, right?
And thanks so much for the awesome review and comments for my Super Bowl poem. You are so sweet and I so appreciate it, my very dear friend.
Love, Debi
Comment from Mintybee
I'm not a football fan, but I still liked this poem. It moved along quickly, hit all the highlights, and was fun. If football was more like your poem, I might watch it.
MIntybee
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2024
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I'm not a football fan, but I still liked this poem. It moved along quickly, hit all the highlights, and was fun. If football was more like your poem, I might watch it.
MIntybee
Comment Written 12-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2024
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Hi Mintybee, LOL, I do love your honesty. To tell you the truth I didn't even watch the whole thing.
But thanks so much for the awesome review and comments for my Super Bowl poem. You are so sweet and I so appreciate it, my very dear friend.
Love, Debi
Comment from Ulla
Thank you so much, for sharing this with us. For most Europeans they don't have a clue what the super bowl is about. I'm half American but grew up and still live in Europe, and I hardly know what all the fuss is about. But the spirit of sports I do understand. Thanks a lot for sharing this poem with us. Ulla xcx
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2024
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Thank you so much, for sharing this with us. For most Europeans they don't have a clue what the super bowl is about. I'm half American but grew up and still live in Europe, and I hardly know what all the fuss is about. But the spirit of sports I do understand. Thanks a lot for sharing this poem with us. Ulla xcx
Comment Written 12-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2024
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Hi Ulla, yes, I forgot when I wrote this that there are so many that can't relate because they are not from America. But glad you are a sports fan.
And thanks so much for the awesome review and comments for my Super Bowl poem. You are so sweet and I so appreciate it, my very dear friend.
Love, Debi
Comment from Mary Vigasin
Debi, I am far from being a football fan. However, I did see your enthusiasm for the game in you own play by play.
So this hates football fan enjoyed your game.
Best wishes
Mary
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2024
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Debi, I am far from being a football fan. However, I did see your enthusiasm for the game in you own play by play.
So this hates football fan enjoyed your game.
Best wishes
Mary
Comment Written 12-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2024
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Haha, Mary, I love your honesty and your sweetness!
Thanks so much for the awesome review and comments for my Super Bowl poem. You are so sweet and I so appreciate it, my very dear friend.
Love, Debi
Comment from Pam (respa)
-Nice artwork and presentation,Debi.
-You seem to know a lot about football.
-And you can write about it poetically,
not easy to do, but it all works with
the images about the kinds of plays and the rhyme.
-I like the line about the first play, and you
get in details like a brawl, a sack, injuries, and penalties.
-A very good concluding verse.
-Did you have a favorite team in this game?
-Very well done. I enjoyed it.
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2024
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-Nice artwork and presentation,Debi.
-You seem to know a lot about football.
-And you can write about it poetically,
not easy to do, but it all works with
the images about the kinds of plays and the rhyme.
-I like the line about the first play, and you
get in details like a brawl, a sack, injuries, and penalties.
-A very good concluding verse.
-Did you have a favorite team in this game?
-Very well done. I enjoyed it.
Comment Written 12-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2024
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Pam, I do love how you so sweetly detail your reviews so I know that you read it. That means the world to me.
Thank you for that and thanks so much for the awesome review and comments for my Super Bowl poem. You are so sweet and I so appreciate it, my very dear friend.
Love, Debi
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You are very welcome, and I do read everything I review. It doesn't make sense not to read it because I enjoy it, as well. I am glad it was meaningful to you. You didn't say if you were rooting for a team in the super bowl.
Comment from Aussie
$13,000 per ticket? Oz is football nuts, nothing like your Super Bowl of Special K's. One of our players played with the American team, I think you have done an excellent write here. Bravo Chickadee.
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2024
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$13,000 per ticket? Oz is football nuts, nothing like your Super Bowl of Special K's. One of our players played with the American team, I think you have done an excellent write here. Bravo Chickadee.
Comment Written 12-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2024
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Wow, I heard that hotel rooms were a grand, but didn't know that the tickets were so high.
But thanks so much for the awesome review and comments for my Super Bowl poem. You are so sweet and I so appreciate it, my very dear friend.
Love, Debi
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Where do you live Debi? We can look each other up on maps. I live in Maryborough, Queensland right near the Pacific Ocean. KXX
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I'm from Minnesota, in the states.
I have done much research on your beautiful land.
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Have you looked at Maryborout Qld?
Comment from Harambe Unchained
I'm glad to find I wasn't the only person to write an entry on the Super Bowl. And well done for going for full rhyming stanzas of four; that is a bit more challenging than the typical rhyme and you also made some of these lines pop with double rhymes.
The following technical suggestions are intended to improve the natural flow of this work when it is read aloud. I really think this piece has a lot of potential, and that you could raise the quality of it significantly.
STANZA 1
Fans start the day when they tailgate <= starting with an S on the end of the first syllable in a line, especially the first line, and especially a double S, breaks your flow. And it's already understood that most folks tailgating on a poem with a picture of the superbowl are fans. How about something a little more suspenseful, like "it started with a tailgate"?
They cannot wait, their team is great <= all the other lines in this stanza are about food. This doesn't feel like it fits HERE. How about throwing in a line ending in "fate"?
Eat food with hands that need a plate <= this feels forced. Hands and plate don't go together. How about a different rhyme, like "hydrate", that connects to your next line?
And beer's where both teams can relate
STANZA 2 -- look for more rhymes on Rhymezone that go together. How about: same/tame (first two lines) and contrast them with maim/lame. That could be funny.
As they gather for the big game <= "big" disrupts the flow. You can skip that word.
The team they name, destined for fame <= feels forced
A bad hit is always a shame <= the accent of "always" falls on the first syllable, but you've placed it here so that it falls on the second, which will feel awkward
And other side will cast the blame <= if you keep this line I'd go with: THE other side will
STANZA 3: consider some other rhymezone options: brawl, squall, protocol,
So when it starts they kick the ball <= I know you can come up with something more exciting here
And some will fall, and others crawl <= football players crawling?
Even when refs make a bad call <= you have an extra syllable here
Until the end, it's fun for all <= this line is the most successful
STANZA 4 -- I understand what you are going for here; let's try to make it pop a bit more.
The main guy is the quarterback <= we know this already
Defense attack, they try to sack <= maybe something like: defensive linemen block the sack
When their player takes a bad whack
That puts fans into cardiac <= this COULD be funny but it doesn't quite land because it's missing the noun: cardiac arrest. Better to keep this simpler
Just for kicks, here's one way I might do this:
carefully the quarterback
diverts to dodge a lucky sack
darting, dodging each attack
gives his fans a heart attack
STANZA 5: this is a tricker rhyme. try: stun, outrun, won
A penalty to jump the gun <= feels disconnected. What if you connect it to the player's experience, like you did in the next line. Something like: "take care not to hump the gun"
A hit will stun, which isn't fun <= "and isn't fun" flows a little better
The ball is handed off to one
And to the end zone he will run <= skip "and"
STANZA 6 -- this was a fun stanza, and one of your more succesful ones
As quarterback completes his pass <= try "THE quarterback"
Player with mass, may kick some ass <= fun but awkward flow; try something like "a guy with mass"
And often there's a little sass
But most the time they play with class
STANZA 7
Each player plays with heart and soul <= player/plays feels awkward. Try: each one struggles, heart and soul
Fights like a bull, his weight he'll pull <= this feels forced and it doesn't quite rhyme. Here are some other rhymes to consider: role, control
And sometimes just one last field goal <= good penultimate line that just needs slightly better flow and more suspense. Try swapping "sometimes" with "maybe", or "one final desprate field goal" (I misspelled that deliberately to make it just two syllables)
Can make them Champs of Super Bowl <= this is an excellent line to end on; well done. Depending on what you write in the previous line, you might need to modify it to "TO make them champs", to connect it to the previous line. If you used something like my example above, disregard this.
I hope this insanely long review was helpful to you and thanks for bearing with me. If you do make edits, please feel free to shoot me a message and I'll be happy to re-review.
Best,
Harambe (for President)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2024
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I'm glad to find I wasn't the only person to write an entry on the Super Bowl. And well done for going for full rhyming stanzas of four; that is a bit more challenging than the typical rhyme and you also made some of these lines pop with double rhymes.
The following technical suggestions are intended to improve the natural flow of this work when it is read aloud. I really think this piece has a lot of potential, and that you could raise the quality of it significantly.
STANZA 1
Fans start the day when they tailgate <= starting with an S on the end of the first syllable in a line, especially the first line, and especially a double S, breaks your flow. And it's already understood that most folks tailgating on a poem with a picture of the superbowl are fans. How about something a little more suspenseful, like "it started with a tailgate"?
They cannot wait, their team is great <= all the other lines in this stanza are about food. This doesn't feel like it fits HERE. How about throwing in a line ending in "fate"?
Eat food with hands that need a plate <= this feels forced. Hands and plate don't go together. How about a different rhyme, like "hydrate", that connects to your next line?
And beer's where both teams can relate
STANZA 2 -- look for more rhymes on Rhymezone that go together. How about: same/tame (first two lines) and contrast them with maim/lame. That could be funny.
As they gather for the big game <= "big" disrupts the flow. You can skip that word.
The team they name, destined for fame <= feels forced
A bad hit is always a shame <= the accent of "always" falls on the first syllable, but you've placed it here so that it falls on the second, which will feel awkward
And other side will cast the blame <= if you keep this line I'd go with: THE other side will
STANZA 3: consider some other rhymezone options: brawl, squall, protocol,
So when it starts they kick the ball <= I know you can come up with something more exciting here
And some will fall, and others crawl <= football players crawling?
Even when refs make a bad call <= you have an extra syllable here
Until the end, it's fun for all <= this line is the most successful
STANZA 4 -- I understand what you are going for here; let's try to make it pop a bit more.
The main guy is the quarterback <= we know this already
Defense attack, they try to sack <= maybe something like: defensive linemen block the sack
When their player takes a bad whack
That puts fans into cardiac <= this COULD be funny but it doesn't quite land because it's missing the noun: cardiac arrest. Better to keep this simpler
Just for kicks, here's one way I might do this:
carefully the quarterback
diverts to dodge a lucky sack
darting, dodging each attack
gives his fans a heart attack
STANZA 5: this is a tricker rhyme. try: stun, outrun, won
A penalty to jump the gun <= feels disconnected. What if you connect it to the player's experience, like you did in the next line. Something like: "take care not to hump the gun"
A hit will stun, which isn't fun <= "and isn't fun" flows a little better
The ball is handed off to one
And to the end zone he will run <= skip "and"
STANZA 6 -- this was a fun stanza, and one of your more succesful ones
As quarterback completes his pass <= try "THE quarterback"
Player with mass, may kick some ass <= fun but awkward flow; try something like "a guy with mass"
And often there's a little sass
But most the time they play with class
STANZA 7
Each player plays with heart and soul <= player/plays feels awkward. Try: each one struggles, heart and soul
Fights like a bull, his weight he'll pull <= this feels forced and it doesn't quite rhyme. Here are some other rhymes to consider: role, control
And sometimes just one last field goal <= good penultimate line that just needs slightly better flow and more suspense. Try swapping "sometimes" with "maybe", or "one final desprate field goal" (I misspelled that deliberately to make it just two syllables)
Can make them Champs of Super Bowl <= this is an excellent line to end on; well done. Depending on what you write in the previous line, you might need to modify it to "TO make them champs", to connect it to the previous line. If you used something like my example above, disregard this.
I hope this insanely long review was helpful to you and thanks for bearing with me. If you do make edits, please feel free to shoot me a message and I'll be happy to re-review.
Best,
Harambe (for President)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 12-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2024
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Hey there Harambe, not only do I expect to make some edits but I thank you very much. There were a few parts that I had looked at so long myself and changed so many times and didn't have the time to keep pursuing improvements. And sometimes staring at it so long makes you lose objectivity.
The beginning line was haunting me too every time I looked at it, so I have copied your review down into notes, where they can be brought up again to use in edits. I didn't read them all the way through yet, but as long as my second line has two of the same rhymes in each stanza, I am willing to consider all of your suggestions.
I thank you so very much, as I do believe it's friends like you who take the time to make suggestions, is the only reason I have learned as much as I have since I got here. Thank you, my friend, and I will be in touch. It isn't as much about the rating for me, (even tho I welcome the change) but more so about an improved finished post.
Thanks again. Debi
Hello again, my awesome friend.
I loved most of your suggestions and could use them in. However, I wondered if you realized that I was using 8 syllable lines.
There was one place that you said I had too many syllables, which it was only 8, "Even if ref makes a bad call" (but I needed to fix that one anyway because even felt uneven to me. lol)
There was at least one place where you suggested on the second line with only one rhyme, but there had to be two rhymes there.
And the line where you said I could possibly use the word desperate, but you shortened it. With the word spelled correctly, it was the perfect amount of syllables. I just used your first suggestion (Maybe) last stanza, third line.
I loved some of the extra rhymes you gave me, as I was writing this at 2 AM yesterday to post by morning and should have been using my rhyming app. I usually use Rhymer's Secret or Rhymer's
Block, but should check out yours too.
I loved using the word Brawl because it put my 'fall' into place. Same with shame and lame. I made many changes based on what you suggested, but some you had suggested using won but was already using one, and I don't like using homophones.
I hope that most of it looks better to you, and am always open to your very skilled suggestions. Even on the corrections that I chose.
Please don't be offended by the places that I said were you were incorrect. I only pointed them out so you could see why I didn't use them.
So I believe it is somewhat better.
And I thank you once again. You have no idea how much I appreciate the all the time it must have taken to look for and make all of those suggestions. You are a top notch reviewer.
Debi
Comment from karenina
Hey! Good for you! I loved watching the game and happier still to read this really fun take on the ultimate game!
Eight syllables a line, great monorhymed stanzas...
They do like to kick some ass!
I LOVE seeing you write about other themes...
You are so kind to do birthday poems but it is truly fine to see you move away from that a bit and share your skill and wit!
(yay Mahomes!)
Karenina
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2024
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Hey! Good for you! I loved watching the game and happier still to read this really fun take on the ultimate game!
Eight syllables a line, great monorhymed stanzas...
They do like to kick some ass!
I LOVE seeing you write about other themes...
You are so kind to do birthday poems but it is truly fine to see you move away from that a bit and share your skill and wit!
(yay Mahomes!)
Karenina
Comment Written 12-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2024
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Hey Miss K, you have no idea how much your review and words mean to me for this one. I appreciate that you like seeing me doing other things.
I was going to make it more like I had with the one last week with my grandson, but only like to do those when he is there to goof around with me.
March 2nd I think is my favorite author's birthday so might have some fun with Dr Seuss. I have been planning that one for a while.
As for the lovely six stars. I am honored by these, so thank you so much, dear friend and sis. Love ya, Debi
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Dr. Seuss lived in Springfield, Ma (next town over) He has his own museum here and it's a blast. Enjoy his writing because he had a dark side to him...
Comment from LateBloomer
Hi Debi, the game is over. Very dramatic ending. The fans got what they paid for. You penned a timely poem today. For anyone who isn't familiar with football, you gave a good illustration on how the game is played.
Of note:
So when it starts they kick the ball
And some will fall, and others crawl
(Good imagery, especially others crawl. I liked that image.)
Cute rhyming scheme. Well chosen photo. A fun poem. Xo. M
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2024
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Hi Debi, the game is over. Very dramatic ending. The fans got what they paid for. You penned a timely poem today. For anyone who isn't familiar with football, you gave a good illustration on how the game is played.
Of note:
So when it starts they kick the ball
And some will fall, and others crawl
(Good imagery, especially others crawl. I liked that image.)
Cute rhyming scheme. Well chosen photo. A fun poem. Xo. M
Comment Written 12-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2024
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As always, you are always so sweet, dear SOTU. I love how you always pick out your favorite parts.
I suppose it seems weird that I wrote this and never watched the game. Actually I I did see the beginning and at least liked Reba doing the National Anthem. I wasn't sure about the guy before that. I'm not talking about his face full of tattoos, but was amazed for the SB they would pick someone with such a weak voice.
But the game, didn't see one minute of it.
Hey, Gunsmoke was having a marathon. LOL...Thanks so much for the lovely review, sis.
Love, Debi
