The Unpredictable Cycles of Life
Unexpected changes.60 total reviews
Comment from robyn corum
Ric,
I am so, so happy to see you. *smile* I have heard about you and your clever writing from several friends and have watched for your pieces - but it seems you and I travel in totally different circles here. I always think that is SO WEIRD! It kinda seems impossible but I've seen it happen again and again. When I've been here over ten years and then meet someone else who's been here that long or longer who I've never met!
Anyway - you were recommended to me very highly and I've been on the lookout. I was happy when I saw you had won this contest and came immediately to read your winning post! Congrats!!
Unfortunately (sorry, sorry!) the editor in me still had to absolutely rip you apart. *smile* Hope you won't mind. You'll see that these notes still weren't enough to reduce the rating. The story was fun and real and so close to the men I know that I smiled many times through the reading. I really appreciated the humility here.
Please take a look below and see what you think and if there are things you agree with. Use the ones you do and chuck the rest. *smile*
***
Notes:
1.) And although, nothing is truly perfect, commitment and compatibility seemed pedestal worthy.
--> no comma after 'although'
2.) Then, the wet-mop-of-sudsy-reality smacked me in the face, when unexpectedly, from out of nowhere, she said. "I don't love you anymore."
--> Then the wet-mop-of-sudsy-reality smacked me in the face when, unexpectedly (and) from out of nowhere she said(,) "I don't love you anymore."
3.) Those feelings or lack thereof surely hadn't been an overnight pursuance.
--> is 'pursuance' the right word? Implying she sought to fall out of love? Most women are committed to their relationships UNTIL something turns south, right? Maybe 'awareness'/ 'discovery'...?
4.) "Is this the regular Happy Hour crowd?" (s)he asked.
5.) It's not on my favorite's list, simply close
--> favorites
6.) So, nonchalant . . . and you slipped it in, effortlessly,
--> no comma after 'So'
7.) and (asked), "How could I refuse(?)"
8.) Starving myself. I couldn't help but ask,
--> Should these two be connected - same sentence? With a comma instead of a period?
9.) "Until the Heavenly ambrosial aura from the eatery overwhelmed my senses."
--> I questioned this comment before I made it because I know you can get away with this but I reeaaallly fell like 'aroma' would be more appropriate?
10.) Although, I've heard wonderful reviews.
--> no comma
11.) One of the finest, and hardest restaurants
--> questioning 'hardest'
12.) to get an available date, and they move you to the front of the line. To what appears, your own table."
--> neither needs a comma
13.) Guido is a good friend, and I eat here probably three nights a week or more."
--> no comma
14.) I called you a "Lovely, very beautiful lady." She feigned being visibly
--> (")I called you a (')Lovely, very beautiful lady.(') (new paragraph for her actions, please) She feigned being visibly
15.) An obvious catch in her throat, unable
--> confusing - you said she feigning being moved by what he'd said, right?
16.) Where he asks the wine preference - needs a new paragraph also
17.) Then, she excused herself, to powder her nose, and returned with two glasses of vermouth Amaro, neat.
--> Then she excused herself to powder her nose and returned with two glasses of vermouth Amaro, neat.
18.) The headline read: singer/actress plunges 14 floors to her death from a penthouse atop The Roosevelt New Orleans.
--> headlines are all caps and short:
"Penthouse Leap for Failed Actress"
This was well put together, the progression and pace were really nice, and the conclusion was stellar. I enjoyed this a lot. Thanks so much! I look forward to more of your work - NOW I see what those folks were talking about!!! Thanks a heap.
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2022
  |
Ric,
I am so, so happy to see you. *smile* I have heard about you and your clever writing from several friends and have watched for your pieces - but it seems you and I travel in totally different circles here. I always think that is SO WEIRD! It kinda seems impossible but I've seen it happen again and again. When I've been here over ten years and then meet someone else who's been here that long or longer who I've never met!
Anyway - you were recommended to me very highly and I've been on the lookout. I was happy when I saw you had won this contest and came immediately to read your winning post! Congrats!!
Unfortunately (sorry, sorry!) the editor in me still had to absolutely rip you apart. *smile* Hope you won't mind. You'll see that these notes still weren't enough to reduce the rating. The story was fun and real and so close to the men I know that I smiled many times through the reading. I really appreciated the humility here.
Please take a look below and see what you think and if there are things you agree with. Use the ones you do and chuck the rest. *smile*
***
Notes:
1.) And although, nothing is truly perfect, commitment and compatibility seemed pedestal worthy.
--> no comma after 'although'
2.) Then, the wet-mop-of-sudsy-reality smacked me in the face, when unexpectedly, from out of nowhere, she said. "I don't love you anymore."
--> Then the wet-mop-of-sudsy-reality smacked me in the face when, unexpectedly (and) from out of nowhere she said(,) "I don't love you anymore."
3.) Those feelings or lack thereof surely hadn't been an overnight pursuance.
--> is 'pursuance' the right word? Implying she sought to fall out of love? Most women are committed to their relationships UNTIL something turns south, right? Maybe 'awareness'/ 'discovery'...?
4.) "Is this the regular Happy Hour crowd?" (s)he asked.
5.) It's not on my favorite's list, simply close
--> favorites
6.) So, nonchalant . . . and you slipped it in, effortlessly,
--> no comma after 'So'
7.) and (asked), "How could I refuse(?)"
8.) Starving myself. I couldn't help but ask,
--> Should these two be connected - same sentence? With a comma instead of a period?
9.) "Until the Heavenly ambrosial aura from the eatery overwhelmed my senses."
--> I questioned this comment before I made it because I know you can get away with this but I reeaaallly fell like 'aroma' would be more appropriate?
10.) Although, I've heard wonderful reviews.
--> no comma
11.) One of the finest, and hardest restaurants
--> questioning 'hardest'
12.) to get an available date, and they move you to the front of the line. To what appears, your own table."
--> neither needs a comma
13.) Guido is a good friend, and I eat here probably three nights a week or more."
--> no comma
14.) I called you a "Lovely, very beautiful lady." She feigned being visibly
--> (")I called you a (')Lovely, very beautiful lady.(') (new paragraph for her actions, please) She feigned being visibly
15.) An obvious catch in her throat, unable
--> confusing - you said she feigning being moved by what he'd said, right?
16.) Where he asks the wine preference - needs a new paragraph also
17.) Then, she excused herself, to powder her nose, and returned with two glasses of vermouth Amaro, neat.
--> Then she excused herself to powder her nose and returned with two glasses of vermouth Amaro, neat.
18.) The headline read: singer/actress plunges 14 floors to her death from a penthouse atop The Roosevelt New Orleans.
--> headlines are all caps and short:
"Penthouse Leap for Failed Actress"
This was well put together, the progression and pace were really nice, and the conclusion was stellar. I enjoyed this a lot. Thanks so much! I look forward to more of your work - NOW I see what those folks were talking about!!! Thanks a heap.
Comment Written 10-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2022
-
Thank you so much, Robyn, for your kind words, corrections, and generous review of my errant scribblings. You worked harder trying to polish this piece than I did writing it. I have a tendency to write really fast, and barely knowing a noun from a verb and principles of grammar, I can create quite a mess. Writing what whirls through my pea brain is what's fun for me, and since I hate the editing and polishing grind, I don't do much, if any. Other than a quick read over. I guess, I should be ashamed or just quit until I'm willing to do better. But as long as I can put a smile on a few faces with my foolishness and keep myself entertained a bit, its all in fun. I can't thank you enough for all the time you spent pointing out my blunders. Your review is very much appreciated!
-
Don't you DARE consider quitting.
Comment from Pangalactic
I know you don't need any more reviews off this beauty but I just had to say - what a fun read this was.
I was really rooting for the guy to have some fun fun naked times with the fox, and when she betrayed our protagonist I wished her dead - and then voila :)
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2022
 |
I know you don't need any more reviews off this beauty but I just had to say - what a fun read this was.
I was really rooting for the guy to have some fun fun naked times with the fox, and when she betrayed our protagonist I wished her dead - and then voila :)
Comment Written 07-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2022
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Thank you, Pewterpan, for your extra-special six-star review and kind words. I'm glad you like the story. And agree with me that, the lonely, betrayed, old man should have gotten even. LOL. It's reviews like yours that keep me writing and trying to get better. Much appreciated!
Comment from Yardier
Double exceptional my friend. What a sleeper you are! There's a hint of Hjortsberg's Falling Angel in-between the lines. Keep up this exceptional piece. It goes well with a good cigar, Texas whiskey and a Georgia rain storm. Yard.
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2022
|
Double exceptional my friend. What a sleeper you are! There's a hint of Hjortsberg's Falling Angel in-between the lines. Keep up this exceptional piece. It goes well with a good cigar, Texas whiskey and a Georgia rain storm. Yard.
Comment Written 07-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2022
-
Thank you so much, Yard, for your extra-special six-star review and kind words. I'd been waiting anxiously for your opinion. Now, like you, a good cigar, and a glass chocked full of whisky will fit nicely. Maybe another glass, this one is almost empty. Georgia rain storms put me to sleep; especially, on tin roofs. LOL. It's always an extra reward when those I read and enjoy daily like what I offer up. I appreciate YOU, and your stories! Ric
Comment from Brett Matthew West
This story is well crafted.
Much deserving of this award as Story of the Month.
My pittence 6 star rating is the best I can say about it.
"Tongues dangling like neckties". What an awesome illusion!
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2022
|
This story is well crafted.
Much deserving of this award as Story of the Month.
My pittence 6 star rating is the best I can say about it.
"Tongues dangling like neckties". What an awesome illusion!
Comment Written 07-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2022
-
Thank you so much, Brett Matthew, for your extra-special six-star review and kinds words. As someone who has helped me along the way with your suggestions and the opportunity to learn from your writing examples, I have been anxiously excited to get your opinion. I'm happy you like it. I appreciate YOU!
Comment from John Ciarmello
Proprio una bella storia! I enjoyed this perfect storm of rejections, rebounds and goddesses. I can't help but wonder if her death was related to your peeps. lo aveno in arrivo! Loved this!
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2022
|
Proprio una bella storia! I enjoyed this perfect storm of rejections, rebounds and goddesses. I can't help but wonder if her death was related to your peeps. lo aveno in arrivo! Loved this!
Comment Written 07-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2022
-
Thank you so much, John, for your kind words, generous review, and wonderful sense of humor. I'm glad you like my story, and I appreciate you for taking time to read it, along with your outstanding and entertaining review! Much appreciated!
Comment from SimianSavant
Holy cow, a double surprise ending. This is a fantastic read, well deserving of the win. I don't know my Italian that well but you seem to. The lack of a violence disclaimer can and should be overlooked as it would spoil the story. Let's see how many complain.
"Good, another trait we have in common. Current statistics show three out of four oenophiles choose reds. "So, may I order for us?" <= double open quote; I am guessing you meant to have a closed quote after "common"?
Oh btw, it looks like you are using the advanced editor but your ellipses are spaced out so I assume that was deliberate? Born of habit using the standard editor?
Thanks for a great, memorable read,
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2022
|
Holy cow, a double surprise ending. This is a fantastic read, well deserving of the win. I don't know my Italian that well but you seem to. The lack of a violence disclaimer can and should be overlooked as it would spoil the story. Let's see how many complain.
"Good, another trait we have in common. Current statistics show three out of four oenophiles choose reds. "So, may I order for us?" <= double open quote; I am guessing you meant to have a closed quote after "common"?
Oh btw, it looks like you are using the advanced editor but your ellipses are spaced out so I assume that was deliberate? Born of habit using the standard editor?
Thanks for a great, memorable read,
Comment Written 07-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2022
-
Thank you so much, Harambe For President, for the extra-special six-star review and kind words. Also, for pointing out my mistake that, you are the first person to notice. I didn't want a quote after common, but there shouldn't have been one before "so" either. LOL. As for the spaced ellipses, that are incorrect, I do that by choice. I just think it looks better, right or wrong. I'm an independent old cuss who thinks all rules are made to be broken, if it suits me. I don't know how our paths haven't crossed before now, but I'll sure be looking to read some of your posts in the future. And if you ever run for anything, I'd have to vote for you. Much appreciated!
-
It's a totally legitimate stylistic decision. The only downside with the spaced out ellipses is that they can wrap across a line on word wrap, which can be confusing. And one doesn't know where that wrap might occur, due to variations across device sizes, orientation and browser rendering. There is a trick -- you can put non-breaking spaces in your ellipsis between the dots, to make the entire block wrap with the word preceding the ellipsis. But you have to do it in the basic editor. It would look like this:
She jumped off the cliff, waving goodbye to life . . .
Which would render like this:
She jumped off the cliff, waving goodbye to life . . .
You might not be able to tell but these are wrap-proof, un-splittable ellipsis. It's a big pain in the ass to do though, especially if you are used to the advanced editor.
Yeah your writing would be GREAT in the family contests that Jan runs. I recently did a Star Wars series there where each entry prompted a change in the rules to thwart the next entry. It was great. Thank you for your support! I will be starting up soon at HarambeForPresident.com
-
Thanks for the tip. I'll have to fool around with it. But once an aggressive young man with excessive energy, I'm now I'm become a lazy old man who usually takes the easiest way out. LOL. I appreciate YOU!
Comment from Barry Penfold
Loved the story. Almost like life , in fact it is a lot about life in a mans world. Trust you are ok and living again. Well done. Very enjoyable.
Take care.
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2022
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Loved the story. Almost like life , in fact it is a lot about life in a mans world. Trust you are ok and living again. Well done. Very enjoyable.
Take care.
Comment Written 07-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2022
-
Thank you so much, Barry, for your kind words and generous review. Yes, sometimes, fiction imitates real life, and other times, portions of real life are disguised as fiction. Then, the reader is left wondering and trying to figure out which one is true. LOL. I'm so glad you enjoyed the story. Much appreciated!
Comment from Contests
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2022
|
 A seven star rating from the Contest Committee for the recognition this post has received from the FanStory community. While this was not a Contest Committee decision, the committee recognizes this achievement with a seven star review. |
Comment Written 07-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2022
-
Wow, I'm honored. Thanks so much!
Comment from justafan
Brilliant as knew it would be!
You have such flair in your work that readers just fall face first into the scene! Not everyone can accomplish that.
Again BRAVO
Always
Justafan of yours
Missy
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2022
|
Brilliant as knew it would be!
You have such flair in your work that readers just fall face first into the scene! Not everyone can accomplish that.
Again BRAVO
Always
Justafan of yours
Missy
Comment Written 05-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2022
-
Thank you so much, Missy, my dear, for your extra-special six-star review and kind words. I've missed seeing you around and it is a pleasant surprise that you popped in today. I'm glad you enjoyed a little more of my foolishness . . . or twisted fiction to hide the truth. LOL. I hope all is well in your world and you'll be around more often. I appreciate YOU!
Comment from Annmuma
more than worth my time! Great writing and, if you don't win, I'll be surprised and it won't be for lack of my vote. I was immediately caught up in your story with the first words and hung in there for the last ones. The whole concept reminded me of a '48 Hours' episode on TV. Again, congrats on making the short list and, I believe, on the win.
ann
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2022
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more than worth my time! Great writing and, if you don't win, I'll be surprised and it won't be for lack of my vote. I was immediately caught up in your story with the first words and hung in there for the last ones. The whole concept reminded me of a '48 Hours' episode on TV. Again, congrats on making the short list and, I believe, on the win.
ann
Comment Written 04-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2022
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Thank you so much, Ann, for your kind and generous review. Also, thanks for your vote. It's nice to know what I'll at least have one. LOL. I'm glad you like my concept. I like to add in lots of subtleties pertaining to theme. In this one, I take the brokenhearted old man who falls prey to an obvious hustler, but decided he's been hurt enough. LOL. I can't than you enough for your vote and the encouraging review! Much appreciated!