Looking for Orion - 2
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "The Hit - part 2"Brothers fight for faith ... and for their lives.
11 total reviews
Comment from robyn corum
Deb,
Okay, I had a lot of probs with this post, to be honest. (sorry!) There was way too much narrative for this to be a guy's chapter. Guys just do not think this much. (Sorry to all the guys in the world! But it's just the facts. And, actually, most guys will agree readily. *smile* They would tell a bare minimum of those things. I've got to go through this catalog and pick out something awesome for my son. - kind of thing.
And in a tricky situation, I don't think a guy would pause to put the catalog in a back pocket, you know?
Other notes:
1.) (Free t)ime was a luxury at home, (where) there was always yard work,
2.) for his father's death"Don Quixote tilting at windmills.
--> no quote marks
3.) Jack jerked the binoculars to his eyes and visually followed a deer path up a nearby slope, hoping without hope it was the one Cody had taken.
--> why?
4.) And remember, earlier you had said he didn't know which way Cody had gone and would probably just wander around looking for him
5.) Also, when the two bad guys appear, it gets a little confusing. It seems like the short guy gets his knife out and starts down the hill - though that confuses me already - why get a knife out for no reason? He's already got a gun. But anyway, he's heading downhill, right? Then, a couple paragraphs later, the big guy 'speaks', then the short guy frown and 'still looks down toward Cody...' Now it's the tall man who turns and leaves. Then the other man follows.
Take your time and really THINK about your story. Get into the head of your characters and into your scene. There's no rush. It's more important to get it right than get it done.
Thanks!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2020
   |
Deb,
Okay, I had a lot of probs with this post, to be honest. (sorry!) There was way too much narrative for this to be a guy's chapter. Guys just do not think this much. (Sorry to all the guys in the world! But it's just the facts. And, actually, most guys will agree readily. *smile* They would tell a bare minimum of those things. I've got to go through this catalog and pick out something awesome for my son. - kind of thing.
And in a tricky situation, I don't think a guy would pause to put the catalog in a back pocket, you know?
Other notes:
1.) (Free t)ime was a luxury at home, (where) there was always yard work,
2.) for his father's death"Don Quixote tilting at windmills.
--> no quote marks
3.) Jack jerked the binoculars to his eyes and visually followed a deer path up a nearby slope, hoping without hope it was the one Cody had taken.
--> why?
4.) And remember, earlier you had said he didn't know which way Cody had gone and would probably just wander around looking for him
5.) Also, when the two bad guys appear, it gets a little confusing. It seems like the short guy gets his knife out and starts down the hill - though that confuses me already - why get a knife out for no reason? He's already got a gun. But anyway, he's heading downhill, right? Then, a couple paragraphs later, the big guy 'speaks', then the short guy frown and 'still looks down toward Cody...' Now it's the tall man who turns and leaves. Then the other man follows.
Take your time and really THINK about your story. Get into the head of your characters and into your scene. There's no rush. It's more important to get it right than get it done.
Thanks!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2020
-
Hi! lol. Yep, the bad guys are obviously really confusing! The problem is I DO see the scene clearly in my head. It's putting it on paper in short of 100000000 words that gets me. :)
I'll get over there and make these repairs and will definitely mark this scene as one that needs CPR. :)
Thanks, girl.
Deb
Comment from Margaret Bednar
Well... You can't leave me hanging! Again, your storytelling - your ability to flesh out a character and make the scenes real is wonderful. The panic Jack feels is believable and I like the attention to detail " The soda spilled into the box of candy, making a sticky, unnoticed mess on the sleeping bag." Can't wait for the next chapter!
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2020
|
Well... You can't leave me hanging! Again, your storytelling - your ability to flesh out a character and make the scenes real is wonderful. The panic Jack feels is believable and I like the attention to detail " The soda spilled into the box of candy, making a sticky, unnoticed mess on the sleeping bag." Can't wait for the next chapter!
Comment Written 16-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2020
-
Thank you. I"m always worried that things like the DP in the candy is too uch. But I like to 'see' those things play out. It's part of real life. Lor knows, I spill stuff and I have no reason! :)
Appreciate you,
Blessings,
Deb
Comment from Precious Owuamalam
Now, the suspense continues! Hmm! This is really getting scary. Cody shouldn't die!!!!!!!"
What a tale Deb, what a tale. You've written well. I look forward to the next chapter.
Jeez!
You may want to look into this:
I guess " Travis' " should be "Travis's"
Again, I noticed there was always an apostrophe or inverted comma before "Laine," any reason to this?
Finally, you may want to add a space between "death" and the quotation mark in:
death"Don Quixote tilting at windmills. Also, try to close the quotation mark with a second one after "windmills."
My very best wishes.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2020
|
Now, the suspense continues! Hmm! This is really getting scary. Cody shouldn't die!!!!!!!"
What a tale Deb, what a tale. You've written well. I look forward to the next chapter.
Jeez!
You may want to look into this:
I guess " Travis' " should be "Travis's"
Again, I noticed there was always an apostrophe or inverted comma before "Laine," any reason to this?
Finally, you may want to add a space between "death" and the quotation mark in:
death"Don Quixote tilting at windmills. Also, try to close the quotation mark with a second one after "windmills."
My very best wishes.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2020
-
Hi again!
I'm not sure about Travis. I think a name that ends in an 's' already just has a single apostrophe after it to signify ownership (in this case, of the birthday). I'll have to go look in the rules book for writers. lol
Laine is short for Elaine, but that didn't make it into the first chapter, so I'm thinking I'll remove all the apostrophes there and just let it be Laine.
And, that darned double quotation mark! In my draft, it was n en dash. But the FS advanced editor doesn't recognize them, so it converts them to a double quotation. THANK yu for pointing this out. I tried to scan for it, but missed this one. I much appreciate it. :)
And, as always, for all your coments and help, I appreciate you!
Deb
Comment from Puzzle
omg this is getting so good! i was nervous for jack once he spotted the blood on cody's cheek! i wonder if jack will feel guilty that he made cody go on this trip with him?!
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2020
|
omg this is getting so good! i was nervous for jack once he spotted the blood on cody's cheek! i wonder if jack will feel guilty that he made cody go on this trip with him?!
Comment Written 16-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2020
-
Ehhhh ? could be ... :)
Thanks for reading my sweet friend,
Deb
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
This is a totally intriguing and mesmerizing story. I was nibbling on watermelon seeds, and by the time I finished the post, I had gobbled them all up without realizing it! Great story!
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2020
|
This is a totally intriguing and mesmerizing story. I was nibbling on watermelon seeds, and by the time I finished the post, I had gobbled them all up without realizing it! Great story!
Comment Written 16-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2020
-
Thank you! Wht a great compliment. :) So ? do you roast the watermelon seeds? I've heard of that withn pumpkins seeds, bu tnever watermelon. And mine are growing so well! :)
Thanks for reading and reviewing,
Deb
-
I am not sure how they are prepared, but they are good. We buy them in small packs.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
OMG! I do hope Cody is alright. I'm glad Jack could see where he was, but will he be too late? This was another really gripping part, Debora, I'll be all over the place waiting for the next part. I'm sorry I'm already out of sixes, pesky things go so fast! Well done, you have me hanging on here, so don't be long posting again. :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2020
|
OMG! I do hope Cody is alright. I'm glad Jack could see where he was, but will he be too late? This was another really gripping part, Debora, I'll be all over the place waiting for the next part. I'm sorry I'm already out of sixes, pesky things go so fast! Well done, you have me hanging on here, so don't be long posting again. :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 16-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2020
-
How about later today? :) I'm thrilled that you're enjoying it to this degree, Sandra. Having read you r work, that means a lot.
Blessings for the day,
Deb
-
Your later today will be in the middle of the night for me, but I'll be reading it in the morning, while you're in bed!! lol. I'm really looking forward to finding out about poor Cody, he's been through enough as it is. Jack will be there for him. I just know it. :)) xxx
Comment from Pearl Edwards
Another good chapter Deb as Jack goes from relaxing with a toy catalogue to hoping he can save his brother. You built the tension up well, cheers valda
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2020
|
Another good chapter Deb as Jack goes from relaxing with a toy catalogue to hoping he can save his brother. You built the tension up well, cheers valda
Comment Written 16-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2020
-
Thank you Valda!
Deb
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
I like this real story prompts a moral message, living is struggling for survival; well said, well done; enjoyed the read; thanks for sharing this; keep writing. ALCREATOR
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2020
|
I like this real story prompts a moral message, living is struggling for survival; well said, well done; enjoyed the read; thanks for sharing this; keep writing. ALCREATOR
Comment Written 16-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2020
-
Thank yu, Acreator. Appreciate you, as always!
Blessings,
Deb
Comment from lyenochka
Wow, those are the best binoculars ever. Jack could see Cody's face from that distance? I guess I've only used the kids' kind. Great drama. And I liked your technique of having us watch from Jack's perspective as it takes us away from the violent scene and puts us in Jack's worried mind. Of course, he would feel guilty since he convinced Cody to come on this camping trip. Waiting for the next installment!
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2020
|
Wow, those are the best binoculars ever. Jack could see Cody's face from that distance? I guess I've only used the kids' kind. Great drama. And I liked your technique of having us watch from Jack's perspective as it takes us away from the violent scene and puts us in Jack's worried mind. Of course, he would feel guilty since he convinced Cody to come on this camping trip. Waiting for the next installment!
Comment Written 16-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2020
-
Thank you! Yep, I had no idea how good binocular can be until I used my husband's hunting binoculars, which he also used to look at his ranch when he was out working to make sure all was good on the Homefront. Crazy!
I appreciate your comments and review!
Blessings,
Deb
Comment from sherrygreywolf
Again, can't wait to see where this is going. "A tiny, dark voice, far in the back of his mind, worried that Cody would not need first aid" is a great line, btw.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2020
|
Again, can't wait to see where this is going. "A tiny, dark voice, far in the back of his mind, worried that Cody would not need first aid" is a great line, btw.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2020
-
Thanks, sis. :) I'll try to holler at you tomorrow. Today was long and tough. Nothing I can exactly point to, just a ot of little BS junk.
Blessings and chat later,
Deb