Looking for Orion - 2
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "In the Beginning - part 2"Brothers fight for faith ... and for their lives.
11 total reviews
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
I knew something must have happened, but didn't think it would be Pam. What a terrible thing! I'm going to read the next part now. Well done, you kept the drama going at the right pace, perfectly. :) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2020
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I knew something must have happened, but didn't think it would be Pam. What a terrible thing! I'm going to read the next part now. Well done, you kept the drama going at the right pace, perfectly. :) Sandra xx
Comment Written 02-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2020
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Hi again, Sandra. :)
I had all kinds of guesses -- Jack and Pam were having an affair ? the baby wasn't Cody's baby ? the older kids would hate the baby and it woud disappear ? a literal kidnapping ? lol. I enjoyed the heck out of reading those. :) (Yep, I"m bad...)
Glad you're enjoying.
Deb
Comment from sherrygreywolf
Ok - you tried to get me to read this a couple of years ago and now I wish I had. This is really good, Deb! You're right - you need to get it done and published.
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2020
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Ok - you tried to get me to read this a couple of years ago and now I wish I had. This is really good, Deb! You're right - you need to get it done and published.
Comment Written 02-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2020
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You're here! You're back! I"m so glad! Let's have a party! lol. (Let's at least do girls day out ?)
I'm glad you think it's written at that level, Sher. I USED to be a heck of a writer ? I need to work to get back to this point. Sad that I let it go. But I'm not dead yet, so ?
Talk later,
Deb
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Yep - back for a while anyway. First time I've written for fun in a couple of years. Felt pretty good to hit enter on a completed piece again.
Comment from Ulla
Hi Debora, I haven't read the first part but I will go in search of it now. This is very well written, and I will be following along. I can indeed see that it shocking news about Pam. You show that so very well. All best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2020
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Hi Debora, I haven't read the first part but I will go in search of it now. This is very well written, and I will be following along. I can indeed see that it shocking news about Pam. You show that so very well. All best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 01-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2020
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Thank yoyu so much! I'm glad you're joining us. :)
Be blessed,
Deb
Comment from Precious Owuamalam
Claps! A very beautiful and strong read. Just wonderful. I look up to the day I'll read your stories to my future children before bed time and tell them how wonderful, a writer Deb is. Yes she is!
Some minor comments (just punctuation based):
In: "Michael's birthday fell in the fall and Katie," a comma should come after fall.
I was wondering why the "!" and "," in thesame sentence: "John Thomas McClellan!,"
In: "Yes, honey," 'Laine laughed, "with his hair." I was wondering why there's a quotation mark before Laine.
My very best wishes.
reply by the author on 30-May-2020
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Claps! A very beautiful and strong read. Just wonderful. I look up to the day I'll read your stories to my future children before bed time and tell them how wonderful, a writer Deb is. Yes she is!
Some minor comments (just punctuation based):
In: "Michael's birthday fell in the fall and Katie," a comma should come after fall.
I was wondering why the "!" and "," in thesame sentence: "John Thomas McClellan!,"
In: "Yes, honey," 'Laine laughed, "with his hair." I was wondering why there's a quotation mark before Laine.
My very best wishes.
Comment Written 30-May-2020
reply by the author on 30-May-2020
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Well, there's a quotation mark before Laine's name because ? um ? uh ...No reason. I'll go take it off! lol. Thank you for all the catches on my goofs. My fingers quite often fall far behind the brain cells. Then I'm typing two words together, or punctuation that doesn't belong for another few words. Duh. lol
Many thanks!
Deb
Comment from royowen
After engaging Pam in conversation just a few minutes before this fatal call, I know how unbelievable sudden tragedy can occur, I have received such calls myself, the worst was my best friend had spontaneously committed suicide to unwelcome news, one really doesn't know how it can happen. Beautifully written Debora, a wonderful post. Well done, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 30-May-2020
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After engaging Pam in conversation just a few minutes before this fatal call, I know how unbelievable sudden tragedy can occur, I have received such calls myself, the worst was my best friend had spontaneously committed suicide to unwelcome news, one really doesn't know how it can happen. Beautifully written Debora, a wonderful post. Well done, blessings Roy
Comment Written 29-May-2020
reply by the author on 30-May-2020
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Those calls are awful -- I've had a couple myself. So out of the blue, so mind-numbing.
Thank you for reviewing. I hope you'll stay around for this one, Roy. When it gets to the wrestling-with-God part, I'd love your input.
Deb
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Yes it is
Comment from Margaret Bednar
Gripping. I LOVE the playfulness in the beginning - the little girl with the pixie and the fond memories shared by Jack and his wife. And then, we are given the news (which I knew at the back of my mind was coming) of the shooting - I want to read more! Smooth delivery. I'm hooked.
reply by the author on 29-May-2020
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Gripping. I LOVE the playfulness in the beginning - the little girl with the pixie and the fond memories shared by Jack and his wife. And then, we are given the news (which I knew at the back of my mind was coming) of the shooting - I want to read more! Smooth delivery. I'm hooked.
Comment Written 29-May-2020
reply by the author on 29-May-2020
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Thank you. I respect your work so much. Your encouragement means a lot to me.
Be blessed today, maam!
Deb
Comment from Puzzle
omg wow. now i see what ur saying. where do u go from here. you killed off a main character who was pregnant!!! but i think there is so many ways....there could be a mystery of some sort. Like maybe the baby wasn't his. or maybe she was hiding something else from him. idk. something big!? keep going. this is written so well, i'd hate to see it end!
reply by the author on 29-May-2020
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omg wow. now i see what ur saying. where do u go from here. you killed off a main character who was pregnant!!! but i think there is so many ways....there could be a mystery of some sort. Like maybe the baby wasn't his. or maybe she was hiding something else from him. idk. something big!? keep going. this is written so well, i'd hate to see it end!
Comment Written 29-May-2020
reply by the author on 29-May-2020
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Something big, yes ? :)
I hated killing Pam off -- I really liked her. But ya' gotta do what ya' gotta do ? I'm sure she'd understand ? lol
How's your chapter going? I'm going to be your accountability partner. Not that you asked for one, but here I am! LIke the Crazy Crap Fairy, just sitting around waiting, except I'm waiting for something good, not something to go off. lol
Later,
Debby
Comment from Bill Pinder
I enjoyed reading another chapter in this excellent series. It comes across with a very believable feel and keeps the readers interest. I like how you express the genuine thoughts and emotions during a time of crisis.
Bill
reply by the author on 29-May-2020
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I enjoyed reading another chapter in this excellent series. It comes across with a very believable feel and keeps the readers interest. I like how you express the genuine thoughts and emotions during a time of crisis.
Bill
Comment Written 29-May-2020
reply by the author on 29-May-2020
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Thank you, Bill. I appreciate your encouraging words. :)
Blessings,
Deb
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
I like this chapter, fantastic is the narrative taletelling; nice plot development with free flow of thoughts, I enjoyed the read; well said, well done; thank you for sharing this; keep writing. ALCREATOR
Suggestions: You are free to accept or reject the edits.
Typos:
1. For thos who did read (For those who did read)
2. In the Beginning - part 2 (In the Beginning: Part 2)
3. THis is a story (This is a story)
4. but the tragedy waffected the whole family (but the tragedy affected the whole family)
Inexpressiveness (unclear expressions, with or without grammatical errors):
5. "We're at Remy Square. Near the ATM." ("We're at Remy Square, near the ATM.")
6. "A robbery; a stupid robbery. ("A robbery, it's a stupid robbery.)
7. 'Laine laughed, "with his hair." ('Laine laughed, "With his hair.")
8. he needs you here. Now." (he needs you here, now.")
9. "Because Uncle Jack never starts anything." ("You know, Uncle Jack never starts anything.")
10. "Unless you're not telling us everything." ("Until and unless you tell us everything.")
11. "Oh, darlin'," Jack said ("Oh, darling'," Jack said)
ALCREATOR
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 29-May-2020
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I like this chapter, fantastic is the narrative taletelling; nice plot development with free flow of thoughts, I enjoyed the read; well said, well done; thank you for sharing this; keep writing. ALCREATOR
Suggestions: You are free to accept or reject the edits.
Typos:
1. For thos who did read (For those who did read)
2. In the Beginning - part 2 (In the Beginning: Part 2)
3. THis is a story (This is a story)
4. but the tragedy waffected the whole family (but the tragedy affected the whole family)
Inexpressiveness (unclear expressions, with or without grammatical errors):
5. "We're at Remy Square. Near the ATM." ("We're at Remy Square, near the ATM.")
6. "A robbery; a stupid robbery. ("A robbery, it's a stupid robbery.)
7. 'Laine laughed, "with his hair." ('Laine laughed, "With his hair.")
8. he needs you here. Now." (he needs you here, now.")
9. "Because Uncle Jack never starts anything." ("You know, Uncle Jack never starts anything.")
10. "Unless you're not telling us everything." ("Until and unless you tell us everything.")
11. "Oh, darlin'," Jack said ("Oh, darling'," Jack said)
ALCREATOR
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 29-May-2020
reply by the author on 29-May-2020
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Good morning, Alcreator!
It's a bit of a different feel than the zombie book, huh. lol It's actually SUCH a change of pace I'm having to really think about how to keep the tone consistent (and I'm not sure I'm doing such a great job at it, to be honest.)
Thank you for catching those typos! I didn't even proof the author notes or summary ? duh.
Part of the grammatical stuff was intentional. I wanted the conversations to be broken, as if the men were struggling to speak, at all. And part of that is colloquial -- I want the speech patterns to be definitely Southwest United States. I know it is not grammatically correct, but it is normal here. (Yep, we're 'rednecks'. lol Not sure you've ever heard that term. It just means people from the country. Originally from how farmers and ranchers get sunburns on the back of their necks because they wear long sleeves and hats, but leave the back of their necks exposed an they get red from the constant exposure. Crazy nickname for a whole group of people now -- many of whom have never ranched or gardened. lol) Anyhow, that's why part of the speech patterns are as they are. We're like a foreign language. lol
I do so appreciate you reading!
Be blessed, you and yours.
Deb
Comment from robyn corum
Deb,
Brilliant, brilliant piece of writing. The first part was fine- those odd moments with family, unique to every group.
But beginning with 'Y'ello' you turned this story into gold.
The pace, the tension, the dialogue-all worked together exactly as they should, catching the reader up in the wave. Kudos!! The best I have read to date from your pen (keyboard). *smile*
I knew you were talented, but you may enter my 'gifted' group... hmmmm..
Notes:
1.) "It was rhetorical, Goofy(.)" Pam pretended to be
--> not a speech tag
2.) "John Thomas McClellan!," Pam chastised Jack with pretend(ed) indignity.
--> no comma
3.) as Rudy clinched his teeth and swallowed the lump clogging his throat.
--> Jack cannot speak your what Rudy is feeling, experiencing. You are head-hopping. Stay in one head, please.
--> Jack knows Rudy pretty well so he could say something like, he heard the momentary grinding of teeth as Rudy sought words. He imagined/could picture Rudy forcing down a lump in his throat to speak - the same kind of lump Jack was fighting. (Etc)
That is all I have. Loved it!
reply by the author on 29-May-2020
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Deb,
Brilliant, brilliant piece of writing. The first part was fine- those odd moments with family, unique to every group.
But beginning with 'Y'ello' you turned this story into gold.
The pace, the tension, the dialogue-all worked together exactly as they should, catching the reader up in the wave. Kudos!! The best I have read to date from your pen (keyboard). *smile*
I knew you were talented, but you may enter my 'gifted' group... hmmmm..
Notes:
1.) "It was rhetorical, Goofy(.)" Pam pretended to be
--> not a speech tag
2.) "John Thomas McClellan!," Pam chastised Jack with pretend(ed) indignity.
--> no comma
3.) as Rudy clinched his teeth and swallowed the lump clogging his throat.
--> Jack cannot speak your what Rudy is feeling, experiencing. You are head-hopping. Stay in one head, please.
--> Jack knows Rudy pretty well so he could say something like, he heard the momentary grinding of teeth as Rudy sought words. He imagined/could picture Rudy forcing down a lump in his throat to speak - the same kind of lump Jack was fighting. (Etc)
That is all I have. Loved it!
Comment Written 29-May-2020
reply by the author on 29-May-2020
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But I LIKE head hopping! lol. and you're right. I'll fix that one tomorrow.
And thank you. YOur encouraging words mean more to me than you could know.
And I'll try to be more coherent tomorrow, too. :)
Again, my thanks and gratitude for you pushing e to do better.
Blessings,
Deb