This Time - That Time 3
Viewing comments for Chapter 25 "Time Is Running Out!"Third book in the time travel trilogy
40 total reviews
Comment from Rachelle Allen
You are the MASTER of anticipation and timing, my friend! I want this to just be OVER and everyone be safe and sound, and you are keeping a perfect rein on the tempo. Very impressive work here, indeed!!! (Yes, I'm onto the next chapter. How can I leave at THIS suspenseful moment?!!)
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2019
  |
You are the MASTER of anticipation and timing, my friend! I want this to just be OVER and everyone be safe and sound, and you are keeping a perfect rein on the tempo. Very impressive work here, indeed!!! (Yes, I'm onto the next chapter. How can I leave at THIS suspenseful moment?!!)
Comment Written 27-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2019
-
Crikey! Part 25 all ready. You are over half way there! You are such an ego booster! )) xxx
-
Hahahah. Well, if you weren't such a good writer, it wouldn't be this way! xo
Comment from rwilliam
"Just a thought. If you put your head in me stomach, would you be able t' see what I had for breakfast?"...HAHAHAHHA I think Mildred and I are a little alike. LOL Love it! Great writing!
Well I didn't see this one and already read the next chapter but this feels in the gaps for me. :-))
Congratulations on the blue ribbon and award. Keep up the good work!
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2019
|
"Just a thought. If you put your head in me stomach, would you be able t' see what I had for breakfast?"...HAHAHAHHA I think Mildred and I are a little alike. LOL Love it! Great writing!
Well I didn't see this one and already read the next chapter but this feels in the gaps for me. :-))
Congratulations on the blue ribbon and award. Keep up the good work!
Comment Written 22-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2019
-
Thank you so much for reading this part after the promotion had finished, sorry about that. I've got that sort of warped humour, too, so you're not alone! lol. Thanks my friend. :) Sandra xxx
Comment from BWReal
The overall tone of these chapters is upbeat and engaging, but the overuse of adverbs ending in -ly, too many common modifiers, and clichés slows the pacing and distracts from your story. I list a few examples, but there are others.
1. Adverbs ending in -ly:
(glared angrily at the roof...), (stood there feeling completely useless...), (excitedly turned the door handle...) etc. ((These sentences would be more powerful without these adverbs. Strike them out!))
1. Common modifiers. (Words like just, only, more...etc.)
(just bright enough to see by...), looking more than a little annoyed...), (as they walked over to the lift...). ((Strike out every one of these clunky modifiers and see that it makes your writing tighter.))
3. Cliches:
(For crying out loud...) Cliché. (Get a grip!) Another cliché.
((Find original words and phrases that keep your writing fresh!))
Be advised that I like your story, and am only passing on to you advice that has been giving me in the past...by professionals. Isn't that what all this feedback is about...making us better at our craft?
Keep up the good work! And I hope to hear more from you in the future.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2019
 |
The overall tone of these chapters is upbeat and engaging, but the overuse of adverbs ending in -ly, too many common modifiers, and clichés slows the pacing and distracts from your story. I list a few examples, but there are others.
1. Adverbs ending in -ly:
(glared angrily at the roof...), (stood there feeling completely useless...), (excitedly turned the door handle...) etc. ((These sentences would be more powerful without these adverbs. Strike them out!))
1. Common modifiers. (Words like just, only, more...etc.)
(just bright enough to see by...), looking more than a little annoyed...), (as they walked over to the lift...). ((Strike out every one of these clunky modifiers and see that it makes your writing tighter.))
3. Cliches:
(For crying out loud...) Cliché. (Get a grip!) Another cliché.
((Find original words and phrases that keep your writing fresh!))
Be advised that I like your story, and am only passing on to you advice that has been giving me in the past...by professionals. Isn't that what all this feedback is about...making us better at our craft?
Keep up the good work! And I hope to hear more from you in the future.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2019
-
Thank you for taking the time to point these out, I don't know why I didn't run it through my 'find' tool on MS Word, I won't forget again! :) I'll go and have another look at this part and the previous one. Thank you again. :) Sandra xx
-
I left FanStory once before, because it felt so hypo-critical of me to be critique-ing others, while I was in need of schooling myself. I came back when I realized I needed the input from others--others who were on a parallel path with myself...especially people who don't know me. I've written one book, and it hasn't been going very well, so I'm reworking it. In the meantime I need real honest to goodness feedback--stuff that I can use--as my family and friends have no idea for writing is all about. They say everything I write is great...but I had to twist their arms to buy my book, and only one or two of them bothered to read it. So now I'm back.
You are a good writer, Ms. Mitchell, with lots of promise. You help me when you see something I need and I'll try and do the same with you and others. But take nothing I say personal. Writing is very hard.
Hope to hear more from you. Take care.
-
I know what you mean about family and your book. Most of my sales have been from my reviewers on here. They're such a great lot of friends now. I'll be sure to look out for yours, and will fan you so I don't miss any. It would be great if you continue to review my work too. As you say, we are all here to improve, but sometimes you can look too closely to your own work and miss the errors. :)) BTW What's your name? xx Sandra xx
Comment from rspoet
Hello Sandra,
Mildred is in good form in this chapter, a worthy partner for Veronica.
Bill is also an excellent addition to the cast.
I enjoyed the little scene with the "rats," it's good V is ghost-like.
Nice little tease about Mildred and Tommy.
It sounds like the test run will be just the trick to have them out of the building.
Tommy and others will think Mildred is some kind of Clairvoyant.
Hmmmm, I guess she really is.
Robert
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2019
 |
Hello Sandra,
Mildred is in good form in this chapter, a worthy partner for Veronica.
Bill is also an excellent addition to the cast.
I enjoyed the little scene with the "rats," it's good V is ghost-like.
Nice little tease about Mildred and Tommy.
It sounds like the test run will be just the trick to have them out of the building.
Tommy and others will think Mildred is some kind of Clairvoyant.
Hmmmm, I guess she really is.
Robert
Comment Written 20-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2019
-
Thank you so much, Robert, for another lovely review and pretty galaxy of the stars. I can't help but have a little fun when they are together. :)) I hate rats, but I'm sure there would be some down there if the place hadn't been used. Veronica doesn't know yet whether of not is is finished. So, lots to find out in the next two parts. Thanks again, my friend. Big hugs, Sandra xxx
Comment from Pam (respa)
-Another excellent chapter, Sandra.
-It's nice to see the camaraderie among Mildred, Ver.,
Tommy, and hospital workers and staff.
-They run things like a "well oiled machine."
-There isn't time for a lot of questions, just work
to be done to avoid a potential disaster.
-Of course, there is a bit of humor to lighten
things up, when Ver. goes running
into, and through Mildred!
-After Bill opens the door in question, it is now
of utmost importance to get all patients to safety.
-The questions are how and when, and
will it be enough to avoid disaster?
-Time is of the essence, and hopefully,
there is enough of it!
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2019
|
-Another excellent chapter, Sandra.
-It's nice to see the camaraderie among Mildred, Ver.,
Tommy, and hospital workers and staff.
-They run things like a "well oiled machine."
-There isn't time for a lot of questions, just work
to be done to avoid a potential disaster.
-Of course, there is a bit of humor to lighten
things up, when Ver. goes running
into, and through Mildred!
-After Bill opens the door in question, it is now
of utmost importance to get all patients to safety.
-The questions are how and when, and
will it be enough to avoid disaster?
-Time is of the essence, and hopefully,
there is enough of it!
Comment Written 20-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2019
-
Thank you so much for all those stars, Pam, and your lovely review. I don't think Mildred would take any nonsense from anyone if lives depended on it. My Mildred is a complex character!! LOL. Next two parts will be interesting. :)) Thanks again, my friend. :)) Big hugs, Sandra xx
-
You are very welcome and deserving of the stars and review, Sandra. Mildred is quite something, and is proving it in a big way in this book. Looking forward to what is next!
Comment from alexisleech
I love the way you inject humour into what is otherwise a serious situation. It's another great example of how you bring your characters to life. Will they get all the patients down to the passageway in time? I cant wait to find out!
This is another terrific chapter that has me eager to read on.
Alexis xxx
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2019
|
I love the way you inject humour into what is otherwise a serious situation. It's another great example of how you bring your characters to life. Will they get all the patients down to the passageway in time? I cant wait to find out!
This is another terrific chapter that has me eager to read on.
Alexis xxx
Comment Written 20-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2019
-
Thank you so much, Alexis, for the lovely golden stars and fabulous review. The bombs will be dropping soon, so lets. hope they do get out. Big hugs, my friend. :) Sandra xx
Comment from Ulla
Wow, Sandra, this is a major operation. I'm fascinated by the whole thing. But will they be in time before the bombing starts? But once down there have they got the rest of the plan sorted? It was great how Mildred got round Bill without raising any suspicion. I loved the remark about looking into Mildred's stomach. Yuk. Cant wait to be reading on. As always it's wonderful writing. Big hugs.
Ulla xxx
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2019
|
Wow, Sandra, this is a major operation. I'm fascinated by the whole thing. But will they be in time before the bombing starts? But once down there have they got the rest of the plan sorted? It was great how Mildred got round Bill without raising any suspicion. I loved the remark about looking into Mildred's stomach. Yuk. Cant wait to be reading on. As always it's wonderful writing. Big hugs.
Ulla xxx
Comment Written 20-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2019
-
Lets hope so, Ulla! Thank you so much for the lovely six stars, my friend. As you know, I really appreciate you. Big hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from JDRBAR
Okay, they're ready to roll. However, what I'd like to understand here is this: Veronica studied the building plans and discovered the escape route. Mildred, Bill, and the other main characters wouldn't know anything about it, or where it would lead to, yet Bill knows there's a station half a mile away. Shouldn't Veronica have checked out if the corridor was passable and where it led to before bringing patients down? And how does Mildred explain away her knowledge of the corridor? She's a recent volunteer at this hospital. Or am I missing something?
In either case, get those patients to safety! :)))
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2019
|
Okay, they're ready to roll. However, what I'd like to understand here is this: Veronica studied the building plans and discovered the escape route. Mildred, Bill, and the other main characters wouldn't know anything about it, or where it would lead to, yet Bill knows there's a station half a mile away. Shouldn't Veronica have checked out if the corridor was passable and where it led to before bringing patients down? And how does Mildred explain away her knowledge of the corridor? She's a recent volunteer at this hospital. Or am I missing something?
In either case, get those patients to safety! :)))
Comment Written 20-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2019
-
Hi, Diane, thanks for this review. You raised a couple of good points, which I've now addressed. Veronica did go through into the passage before bringing the patients down, but I've added a part about her not being sure how long it was. I've also had Mildred tell Bill that someone had told her about a door linking the hospital to the underground and that she wanted to check it out. Bill did know the door was there, he had told Mildred it had been locked since before he began working there. When Mildred asked Bill how far he thought they'd have to walk, he tells her he only knew it was half a mile from the hospital to the station, so I've added that he guessed it would be the same from down in the basement.
All sorted, thanks to you! Big hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
-
Okay, now I have to go back and reread it LOL Sometimes, our thoughts and visualizations get ahead of the words we actually put down. I know I do this a lot.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Wow!! You found a way to work this out. I would never have thought of this. I wish I had a six left because you have a done a wonderful job writing this. It's believable and should work and solve the problem.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2019
|
Wow!! You found a way to work this out. I would never have thought of this. I wish I had a six left because you have a done a wonderful job writing this. It's believable and should work and solve the problem.
Comment Written 19-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2019
-
Thank you so much, Barbara, for another lovely review. So pleased you enjoyed it. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from sandragee
"This old noddle of mine works well when I need it," Mildred said. Yes, it does. She did some fast thinking when explaining to Bill why she wanted to open a door that had been locked for years.
They get the door open. One problem is solved, but there are many more for the two ladies to work out.
A nice characters-driven story with lots of action and fun dialogue.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2019
|
"This old noddle of mine works well when I need it," Mildred said. Yes, it does. She did some fast thinking when explaining to Bill why she wanted to open a door that had been locked for years.
They get the door open. One problem is solved, but there are many more for the two ladies to work out.
A nice characters-driven story with lots of action and fun dialogue.
Comment Written 19-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2019
-
What a lovely review, thank you so much, Sandra, I really appreciate it. I'm delighted you enjoyed this part. :)) Sandra xxx