Tales Of Darkness And Light
Viewing comments for Prologue "Blankness Dreamed"Finding Light Through Shadowed Paths
11 total reviews
Comment from SueZen
Truth be told : what I live intensely, touches me profoundly, i.e. my soul, I cannot
rationally/intellectually "respond" to, i.e. review in words, for they do not suffice to express my feelings/emotions. Beautiful, profound, spiritual poem and super pic to complement ! Thank you for sharing and wish you good luck in contest, poem in my perception a Winner" !
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2015
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Truth be told : what I live intensely, touches me profoundly, i.e. my soul, I cannot
rationally/intellectually "respond" to, i.e. review in words, for they do not suffice to express my feelings/emotions. Beautiful, profound, spiritual poem and super pic to complement ! Thank you for sharing and wish you good luck in contest, poem in my perception a Winner" !
Comment Written 15-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2015
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Thanks for this wonderful revew, dear Sue. So glad you could connect to the emotions. Your good luck wishes worked, and this finished third in the contest. I appreciate your encouraging remarks and the gift of glowing stars.
Regards,
Anupam
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Oh WOW, CONGRATULATIONS ! So happy for you, well deserved !!! Not writing, nor reviewing much at the moment, otherwise engaged, heart- & soulfully nevertheless. Take care of you & soul, LOVE Sue xxx
Comment from JudyS
Anupam, This is a wonderful poem and a great entry for this contest. You've packed a lot of emotion into this one. Very well done. Best of luck with it. Judy
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2015
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Anupam, This is a wonderful poem and a great entry for this contest. You've packed a lot of emotion into this one. Very well done. Best of luck with it. Judy
Comment Written 12-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2015
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Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts, Judy. Have a wonderful weekend! :)
Regards,
Anupam
Comment from robyn corum
Good grief, you're deep!
*smile*
I'm an old lady and had to struggle to wrap my poor brain around your sentences...tooooo long out of school, my friend! hahahahha
But I believe I get your point. We begin as optimists, but pretty quickly Life can smack us around and reset our thinking. It's not always true, of course, but enough so, that it can get a bit depressing at times.
If this is waaay off the mark, be kind to the elderly and PRETEND a bit!
hahahahahahahaha !!
(I DO think the writing is quality, but that it may be above the average intelligence level!)
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2015
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Good grief, you're deep!
*smile*
I'm an old lady and had to struggle to wrap my poor brain around your sentences...tooooo long out of school, my friend! hahahahha
But I believe I get your point. We begin as optimists, but pretty quickly Life can smack us around and reset our thinking. It's not always true, of course, but enough so, that it can get a bit depressing at times.
If this is waaay off the mark, be kind to the elderly and PRETEND a bit!
hahahahahahahaha !!
(I DO think the writing is quality, but that it may be above the average intelligence level!)
Comment Written 10-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2015
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Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts, Robyn. Sorry for this delay in response, as I got super busy with my job. This being a blank verse, I had to stretch out sentences for a smoother flow. What you have said is one of the interpretations of this poem, so you're not wrong at all. :) I understand that phrasing can be a ctyptic, so I'll try to be more clearer with it. Thanks for your honest comments. Have a wonderful weekend!
Regards,
Anupam
Comment from TAB_that's me
Your entry is beautifully written. The meter is good throughout. I didn't find any rhymes. Good luck to you in the contest.
Teresa
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2015
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Your entry is beautifully written. The meter is good throughout. I didn't find any rhymes. Good luck to you in the contest.
Teresa
Comment Written 10-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2015
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Thanks for reading and reviewing, Teresa. Congratulations on your second place finish in the same contest. :)
Regards,
Anupam
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Thanks. That was a big surprise to me.
Comment from rama devi
Hi Anupam--nice to see you posting here more often. I'm suddenly swamped, so plan only to review a few works a day (on chai breaks and for breathers from other works)...glad one is yours!
Almost a six--but there are some minor nits--could use fine tuning (slightly)...but this is another amazing write. You're so GIFTED!
The dusty break of dawn inclines sunrays
Nice opening imagery, setting the scene. I think sunrays works best a two words sun rays.
Expressive--very sad:
toward each lifeless nook in this dull house
where only silence drifts across the air
to mock at dreams I lost along the drag
of life - too young to apprehend its tricks. (great line)
Great phrasing here:
The freshness of this light surrounds my soul
Scansion off here:
and pulls it within whirlpool of bleak thoughts,
believe within is not WITHin but withIN but I may be mistake...you should check...
Suggest:
and pulls it into whirlpools of bleak thoughts,
Well voiced--great imagery and tone:
inside which stillness suffocates the sense
to feel what golden glow around may bring;
for changing shadows' play reminds me of
the time I spent in reveling across a world
not fated to explore the land of truth.
*
It's odd how false hopes leave as quickly as
FALSE hopes sounds odd to my ear--but it may be just diction...the scansion sees forced to me. May be just me.
Nonetheless, here is an idea:
It's odd how hopes so false leave fast, just as
they come - like waves that fondle lonely shore
(poignant line)
Well voiced and great enjambment here:
for seconds...then abandon it to grieve
for loss of touch not meant to favor some
relief but constant pain that never ends...
by stealing visions drawn across grey sand. (Powerful line)
Potent line too:
When nothing's left, regrets resound a tune;
Expressive, eloquent and intensely poignant:
unheard before, it haunts my sullen heart
until the day surrenders flames against
familiar darkness, calling me to fall
along the lap of night whose lullaby
will steal all obscure views, for when I sleep,
I slip into a realm of blankness dreamed...
I know you know I noticed all your fine phonetics woven in this awesome poem, so I'll not list them but I especially applaud the consonance of L and s in the last section above, which is simply wonderful to read aloud, though so sad...
A pathos-filled poem.
Bravo
Namaste, rd
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2015
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Hi Anupam--nice to see you posting here more often. I'm suddenly swamped, so plan only to review a few works a day (on chai breaks and for breathers from other works)...glad one is yours!
Almost a six--but there are some minor nits--could use fine tuning (slightly)...but this is another amazing write. You're so GIFTED!
The dusty break of dawn inclines sunrays
Nice opening imagery, setting the scene. I think sunrays works best a two words sun rays.
Expressive--very sad:
toward each lifeless nook in this dull house
where only silence drifts across the air
to mock at dreams I lost along the drag
of life - too young to apprehend its tricks. (great line)
Great phrasing here:
The freshness of this light surrounds my soul
Scansion off here:
and pulls it within whirlpool of bleak thoughts,
believe within is not WITHin but withIN but I may be mistake...you should check...
Suggest:
and pulls it into whirlpools of bleak thoughts,
Well voiced--great imagery and tone:
inside which stillness suffocates the sense
to feel what golden glow around may bring;
for changing shadows' play reminds me of
the time I spent in reveling across a world
not fated to explore the land of truth.
*
It's odd how false hopes leave as quickly as
FALSE hopes sounds odd to my ear--but it may be just diction...the scansion sees forced to me. May be just me.
Nonetheless, here is an idea:
It's odd how hopes so false leave fast, just as
they come - like waves that fondle lonely shore
(poignant line)
Well voiced and great enjambment here:
for seconds...then abandon it to grieve
for loss of touch not meant to favor some
relief but constant pain that never ends...
by stealing visions drawn across grey sand. (Powerful line)
Potent line too:
When nothing's left, regrets resound a tune;
Expressive, eloquent and intensely poignant:
unheard before, it haunts my sullen heart
until the day surrenders flames against
familiar darkness, calling me to fall
along the lap of night whose lullaby
will steal all obscure views, for when I sleep,
I slip into a realm of blankness dreamed...
I know you know I noticed all your fine phonetics woven in this awesome poem, so I'll not list them but I especially applaud the consonance of L and s in the last section above, which is simply wonderful to read aloud, though so sad...
A pathos-filled poem.
Bravo
Namaste, rd
Comment Written 10-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2015
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Hi rd,
Finally I'm here hehe! Thanks for another superb, constructive review. I had made the changes you suggested the very same day, but kept the "within" line as such, as it always sounds WITHin to me. Surprisingly, this finished third in the contest, so I was extremely happy. I guess blank verse suits me. The ABC contest winner which I wrote was also a blank verse, so I must keep giving this form a try hehe!
Actually, this poem was supposed to be longer. After the third stanza, I was planning to have three more...but I was framing this on the last day, and posted it around 2 am IST. Gosh, I speak so much nowadays, right? LOL
Thanks again for this detailed review, dear friend. Have a great weekend. :)
Regards,
Anupam
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Thanks for your gracious reply, dear Anupam. How amazing the way we hear diction differently. I have trouble trying to hear WITHin as opposed to withIN but I believe you. :) Congrats on placing third!
You have a keen sense of the music of words and so excel a meter as well as phonetics. So blank verse is a good form for you.
Have a great weekend too!
Warm Regards,
rd
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Meter was never my department hehe! I always enjoyed writing haiku and free verse...but know I'm giving other forms a try aa well. :)
I tried to nominate you but I guess I already did in the past month, so not allowed to do it now - that's a bad rule.
Namaste,
Anupam
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Yes, I agree, it's not a friendly rule. I also think it's unfair to limit sixes for contest entries, because I have a feeling (and have heard) that the ratio of sixes to the number of reviews factors in to the site's choices and if someone posts on a weekend, they may not get all the sixes people wish to give. However, I never win site contests, so I don't bother about it. The committee obviously does not care for me philosophical poems and themes. The only ones that either win or place (rarely) are ones about writing or about non-esoteric themes... Sigh. :)
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PS--Thanks for trying! Namaste
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I don't think that the ratio of sixes to the number of reviews matters in site sponsored contests. I'm saying this from my observations. The Lune with which I won had a single six-star rating out of ten reviews. Also, once a Naani poem won which had no six-star rating. But that ratio is the deciding factor for POM entries.
Yes, I agree, the committee isn't "philosophical" mostly. They love writings about writing, childhood dreams, homelessness, poverty and so on LOL. Still, it's good to keep trying our luck. ;)
Namaste,
Anupam
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Exactly, Anupam--one out of ten! If someone posts high and gets 125 reviews but only four sixes, the ratio is lower. You may be right about this applying to POM only. I don't know...and don't really care. It would be wonderful to win one of the contests...but I never feel bad if I don't, as I do not necessarily think the committee has the highest caliber taste, though I've been happier with their choices in the past couple years than in previous ones, so I think maybe Tom added some new members to that committee. I believe it would only be a fair contest if he had judges who were not also members here, but that would cost him money...
Namaste, rd
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Yes, that's the reason some of the decisions seem too biased - almost a hint at favoritism. Since I've been here, you've won a free verse contest with "Poetry's Potential" and a tanka contest, apart from SO many ROM wins. :)
Did you celebrate Ganesh Chaturthi in the ashram yesterday? It's not a big festival in South though.
Regards,
Anupam
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Yes--that was a surpise win and I figured it was due to the subject being poetry and not spirituality. I did win a tank and a haiku once each in the past ten years.
Yes, Ganesh Chaturthi is celebrated here. I am isolated here in hospital, so did not hear of any functions in the vicinity but they had a big one in ashram.
Aum Gam Ganapatayai Namah
Regards,
rd
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
This is a powerful poem which is deep. You can't rush through it. You have to read and let the words sink in. A well written poem that is very touching.
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2015
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This is a powerful poem which is deep. You can't rush through it. You have to read and let the words sink in. A well written poem that is very touching.
Comment Written 09-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2015
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Thanks for your kind comments and glowing stars, Michael. I'm glad you could connect to it. Appreciate your remarks.
Regards,
Anupam
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Hello :)
I love your poem, your words are so expressive and captivating. I picture the dull house in darkness, dust particles in the stuffy air in a depressive place. Hope is brief and it doesn't take hold in the land of loneliness. Unable to find peace of mind when regrets invade your thoughts. Well done!
~Gypsy
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2015
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Hello :)
I love your poem, your words are so expressive and captivating. I picture the dull house in darkness, dust particles in the stuffy air in a depressive place. Hope is brief and it doesn't take hold in the land of loneliness. Unable to find peace of mind when regrets invade your thoughts. Well done!
~Gypsy
Comment Written 09-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2015
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Thanks for such a thoughtful review of this poem! I'm glad your could visualize the imaages and relate to emotions. Thanks for the glowing stars aa well. I appreciate your comments. :)
Regards,
Anupam
Comment from Lovinia
Hi Anupam
Exquisite phrasing, though a lament of deep sorrow. The presentation is perfect for your poem which also keeps the tone of your piece.
"I slip into a world of blankness dreamed ..." -- so deep and dark, I feel the intensity of your write. This pain seems so much beyond your tender years ... yet I also see how it can apply to early adulthood and the loss of naiveté of childhood, a childhood perhaps dreamed more than has yet arrived. Perhaps an early childhood of love and hope, dashed to early by the onset of depression. Instead of following those dreams, we are sometimes caught in the net of working a minimal life fighting melancholy, rather than the fun and adventure of what should be, our early finest years.
Perfect meter as far as I can tell, excellent use of enjambment for narratorial flow. I've also enjoyed your use of alliteration, assonance and consonance. Your descriptions of feelings are vivid and raw as they draw emotions from your reader, and also to think deeply on each phrase. Your first verse is an excellent draw and establishes the tone of your work.
I keep wanting to copy and paste favourite wording or phrasing, then I realise I would be putting in every line. Unique in expression, succinct and such clarity of the narrator's emotions. Well done. A superb entry for the contest and definitely a contender for top placement. I wish you the best of luck. You have my last six, saved for a work so special. :)) Warm hugs - Lovi xoxoxo
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2015
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Hi Anupam
Exquisite phrasing, though a lament of deep sorrow. The presentation is perfect for your poem which also keeps the tone of your piece.
"I slip into a world of blankness dreamed ..." -- so deep and dark, I feel the intensity of your write. This pain seems so much beyond your tender years ... yet I also see how it can apply to early adulthood and the loss of naiveté of childhood, a childhood perhaps dreamed more than has yet arrived. Perhaps an early childhood of love and hope, dashed to early by the onset of depression. Instead of following those dreams, we are sometimes caught in the net of working a minimal life fighting melancholy, rather than the fun and adventure of what should be, our early finest years.
Perfect meter as far as I can tell, excellent use of enjambment for narratorial flow. I've also enjoyed your use of alliteration, assonance and consonance. Your descriptions of feelings are vivid and raw as they draw emotions from your reader, and also to think deeply on each phrase. Your first verse is an excellent draw and establishes the tone of your work.
I keep wanting to copy and paste favourite wording or phrasing, then I realise I would be putting in every line. Unique in expression, succinct and such clarity of the narrator's emotions. Well done. A superb entry for the contest and definitely a contender for top placement. I wish you the best of luck. You have my last six, saved for a work so special. :)) Warm hugs - Lovi xoxoxo
Comment Written 09-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2015
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Hi, dearest Lovi,
Always a delight hearing from you! I know we both are super busy these days, so I can't thank you enough for dropping by...it means a lot. :)
Thanks for your thoughtful comments about the piece, and they are spot-on, aa always! I'm finally getting the meter right LOL! In fact, blank verse is proving lucky for me. Won the ABC contest by offering a blank verse form, and this one finished third in the contest. Your warm wishes proecd their charm. :)
Hope all's well with you and the family. Have a great weekend, dear friend. :)
Regards,
Anupam xo
Comment from judiverse
This is beautifully written, and you do a great job with the blank verse. It reads very smoothly. Great alliteration such as along, lap, lullaby and regrets resound. Your words convey such a feeling of loneliness. There seems to be a glimmer of sunlight, but it's like a false hope and disappears quickly. Expectations arise, but are dashed. All that seems left is night with its blankness. The darkness seems to be a refuge. Very somber thoughts, and wording to match the tone. judi
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2015
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This is beautifully written, and you do a great job with the blank verse. It reads very smoothly. Great alliteration such as along, lap, lullaby and regrets resound. Your words convey such a feeling of loneliness. There seems to be a glimmer of sunlight, but it's like a false hope and disappears quickly. Expectations arise, but are dashed. All that seems left is night with its blankness. The darkness seems to be a refuge. Very somber thoughts, and wording to match the tone. judi
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2015
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Thanks for this thoughtful review. Judi. As always, you've connected to the poem really well. I'm glad you enjoyed the narational flow. I think this form suits my style, other than free verse. Have a great weekend!
Regards,
Anupam
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Your welcome, and big congratulations on your recent poetry wins. judi
Comment from Sasha
As I have said before, despite reading the rules I am completely lost and my inability to understand them makes critiquing this properly, impossible. But I can tell you I enjoyed reading it very much. I especially like the third verse, it is beautifully written. I am sure this is a terrific entry for this contest and I sincerely wish you all the best.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2015
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As I have said before, despite reading the rules I am completely lost and my inability to understand them makes critiquing this properly, impossible. But I can tell you I enjoyed reading it very much. I especially like the third verse, it is beautifully written. I am sure this is a terrific entry for this contest and I sincerely wish you all the best.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2015
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Thanks for reading and reviewing, Sasha. Glad you enjoyed this. Thanks for your warm wishes as well. It finished third in the contest. Have a nice weekend.
Regards,
Anupam