The Midnight Regulator
Novel Beginning-Serial Killer Contest16 total reviews
Comment from Judy Couch
This is excellent. I like the fact that you started out by telling about the future killer and how he developed his personality. You could have given a little more detail about why he was so angry with his dad. You might also have included a little more information about some of his other victims. The story is very good as it is though.
  |
This is excellent. I like the fact that you started out by telling about the future killer and how he developed his personality. You could have given a little more detail about why he was so angry with his dad. You might also have included a little more information about some of his other victims. The story is very good as it is though.
Comment Written 13-Apr-2015
Comment from Megalips
Awesome start to your novel...Have you seen the movie 'Star Chamber' with Mike Douglas? Reminiscent of that. I really like the way you start out here. I'm particularly fond of first person in prose...but it's tricky as you are very well aware. And I don't write much prose, so I'm checking you out close, Michael! BTW, this is my first evaluation of prose here at FS.
So, I like this beginning...the infant thing, talking about recollecting your birth. Totally crazy...everybody knows babies remember nothing about their own birth, right? So what does that mean, in light of the fact that your Mom is psychotic?
Since you are presenting your biography as a serial killer, it seems only appropriate to start from your beginnings and review your parents...what people would expect vs what they really were/are like...makes perfect sense to me. One small point is that I'm not sure why or how your father (with no tongue) is going to relate to a psychiatrist. A presumptive nurse might work just as well, but it's not a big issue.
Then we get to who you are, what you do, and why you do it. I like that also. You kill people because they deserve it. That's America's favorite kind of serial killer. I like putting the example in there...pinning the explanation on the body.
I like the admittance of the rush you get when you see your work advertised. It all endears me (the reader) to you and what you are doing. I forget for a second that you're actually killing people and that you dismembered your father.
In short, you do a nice job of navigating your reader thru the tricky slopes of introduction to a madman, while all the while I feel like I'm talking to this ordinary guy sitting at the booth beside me in Shoney's.
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2015
 |
Awesome start to your novel...Have you seen the movie 'Star Chamber' with Mike Douglas? Reminiscent of that. I really like the way you start out here. I'm particularly fond of first person in prose...but it's tricky as you are very well aware. And I don't write much prose, so I'm checking you out close, Michael! BTW, this is my first evaluation of prose here at FS.
So, I like this beginning...the infant thing, talking about recollecting your birth. Totally crazy...everybody knows babies remember nothing about their own birth, right? So what does that mean, in light of the fact that your Mom is psychotic?
Since you are presenting your biography as a serial killer, it seems only appropriate to start from your beginnings and review your parents...what people would expect vs what they really were/are like...makes perfect sense to me. One small point is that I'm not sure why or how your father (with no tongue) is going to relate to a psychiatrist. A presumptive nurse might work just as well, but it's not a big issue.
Then we get to who you are, what you do, and why you do it. I like that also. You kill people because they deserve it. That's America's favorite kind of serial killer. I like putting the example in there...pinning the explanation on the body.
I like the admittance of the rush you get when you see your work advertised. It all endears me (the reader) to you and what you are doing. I forget for a second that you're actually killing people and that you dismembered your father.
In short, you do a nice job of navigating your reader thru the tricky slopes of introduction to a madman, while all the while I feel like I'm talking to this ordinary guy sitting at the booth beside me in Shoney's.
Comment Written 12-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2015
-
Yes. I did see that and the concept stuck with me. You will be LOVED if you review prose like this. Very few offer opinions and insight on the story itself or the style. That is something all of us writers are most curious about. Your insights are soooo encouraging. I feel like I'm hitting the mark perhaps. First person is difficult for a novel. My first one was in first person and I got in all kinds of trouble. Hahaha. But I love the details that I can get into.
What's "Shoney's". Is that a coffee shop like Denny's or Norm's? Sounds like it.
Most serial killers, even sane ones, have a touch of arrogance. So, I had him take a little risk with his dad by leaving him alive. It shows a little bit of a twisted side to him and also his sense that he can get away with anything. Not sure if I'm continuing this, but if I do, that might be the flaw that does him in. Great review. Thanks so much. mikey
Comment from crzypnter
Hi mikey,
I think this is a great take on a serial killer. Vivid imagery and Great characters.Ready for the next chapter my friend. God bless
August
|
Hi mikey,
I think this is a great take on a serial killer. Vivid imagery and Great characters.Ready for the next chapter my friend. God bless
August
Comment Written 12-Apr-2015
Comment from fimarie78
Well done. This was engaging from the beginning. I particularly enjoyed your vivid character descriptions and the fact that you wrote in the first person. Little words like 'ah yes, wow and hey' made it feel as if you were addressing each reader individually.
I believe that every experience we have as a baby is stored. I really enjoyed your opening section and especially the paragraph which describes who was lifting 'him' up.
The 'best father' cup made me smile and later 'one cool ass non de plume'.
The fact that his father was still alive was interesting. Why wouldn't he finish the job? why risk it?
I would certainly want to read on.
You are a truly talented writer.
best wishes
Fiona
|
Well done. This was engaging from the beginning. I particularly enjoyed your vivid character descriptions and the fact that you wrote in the first person. Little words like 'ah yes, wow and hey' made it feel as if you were addressing each reader individually.
I believe that every experience we have as a baby is stored. I really enjoyed your opening section and especially the paragraph which describes who was lifting 'him' up.
The 'best father' cup made me smile and later 'one cool ass non de plume'.
The fact that his father was still alive was interesting. Why wouldn't he finish the job? why risk it?
I would certainly want to read on.
You are a truly talented writer.
best wishes
Fiona
Comment Written 11-Apr-2015
Comment from jpduck
I enjoyed this chillingly authentic-sounding story. I think your choice to 'tell' the story was spot on. Stream-of-consciousness is much more effective than 'showing' would be in this case, although I still think 'show not tell' is a very sound general principle, as I imagine you do.
A few SPAGs (* *=insert; [ ]=delete):
'recorded in my unconscious table rasa' (This is a hybrid mix of English and Latin. The phrase you want is 'tabula rasa')
'My mother had no ill will or agenda' (ill-will).
'seemed as though she was a horrible*,* abusive woman'
'Winner, winner, chicken diner' (I haven't come across this phrase, but surely 'diner' should be the rhyming 'dinner'?)
'I must admit, that is one cool ass no*m* de plume' (Also, it is customary to put phrases in foreign languages in italics. That would also apply to 'tabula rasa').
Adrian
|
I enjoyed this chillingly authentic-sounding story. I think your choice to 'tell' the story was spot on. Stream-of-consciousness is much more effective than 'showing' would be in this case, although I still think 'show not tell' is a very sound general principle, as I imagine you do.
A few SPAGs (* *=insert; [ ]=delete):
'recorded in my unconscious table rasa' (This is a hybrid mix of English and Latin. The phrase you want is 'tabula rasa')
'My mother had no ill will or agenda' (ill-will).
'seemed as though she was a horrible*,* abusive woman'
'Winner, winner, chicken diner' (I haven't come across this phrase, but surely 'diner' should be the rhyming 'dinner'?)
'I must admit, that is one cool ass no*m* de plume' (Also, it is customary to put phrases in foreign languages in italics. That would also apply to 'tabula rasa').
Adrian
Comment Written 11-Apr-2015
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
A very interesting take on the serial killer prompt. I love the way you show how his mind works, and how he loves his mother in spite of her insanity.
I also liked the characterization of how his problem with his father was not abuse, but the way he was dismissed, and how even abuse shows care. A very astute interpretation of behavior.
|
A very interesting take on the serial killer prompt. I love the way you show how his mind works, and how he loves his mother in spite of her insanity.
I also liked the characterization of how his problem with his father was not abuse, but the way he was dismissed, and how even abuse shows care. A very astute interpretation of behavior.
Comment Written 11-Apr-2015
Comment from Tatarka2
This just "feels" right the way you've written it,, so I see why you did it this way. This is a scary look into the mid of a psychopath. I think the description of the father is especially effective, "Saint Jonah of the big fish," indeed. It'is believable that a psychopathic killer could come from this environment, and that he would think just as you have described. Good entry. Good luck in the contest.
|
This just "feels" right the way you've written it,, so I see why you did it this way. This is a scary look into the mid of a psychopath. I think the description of the father is especially effective, "Saint Jonah of the big fish," indeed. It'is believable that a psychopathic killer could come from this environment, and that he would think just as you have described. Good entry. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 10-Apr-2015
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
The perfect serial killer.
One hero that every one would want to be but...
Nicely written. Very intertaining. Hooked me to the end as only you can do.
Good luck, works for me
|
The perfect serial killer.
One hero that every one would want to be but...
Nicely written. Very intertaining. Hooked me to the end as only you can do.
Good luck, works for me
Comment Written 09-Apr-2015
Comment from nelliesellie
I like the picture. I like the story. I think it is right to star this way. I like knowing about the killer. What he thinks about himself. I see you incorporated a little of yourself. I know you are not a serial killer. But like many, there are plenty of reasons you could be. Great work.
|
I like the picture. I like the story. I think it is right to star this way. I like knowing about the killer. What he thinks about himself. I see you incorporated a little of yourself. I know you are not a serial killer. But like many, there are plenty of reasons you could be. Great work.
Comment Written 09-Apr-2015
Comment from Sasha
I like how you wrote this and don't care about the "show don't tell" mantra everyone swears you MUST adhere to. Great work with this one. I enjoyed it immensely and wish you all the best in the contest too. Keep up the great work.
|
I like how you wrote this and don't care about the "show don't tell" mantra everyone swears you MUST adhere to. Great work with this one. I enjoyed it immensely and wish you all the best in the contest too. Keep up the great work.
Comment Written 09-Apr-2015