Comment from Sagnik Das

Excellent

Very articulately expressed, & cleverly improvised. In emotive employment of lucid diction, combined with a vibrant sense of pragmatic glee (so far as I could devise from it) , this 17 syllabled work [I have been perusing this specific genre a lot lately], indeed fares considerably well, in evoking a conspicuous array of cohesive mental images, & associative sensibilities, beseeming thereby my wholehearted appraisal ....


I love the suave alliterative effect conjured in the penultimate line ("bliss bubbles" being a rather unusual, but prudent phrasal metaphor to qualify 'benediction' [if I am not erred]) ... very sensitive & ORIGINAL to the theme & context of a 5-7-5 (though I for one am rather a novice when it comes to Japanese poetry) LOL.
Nothing much to admonish other than this -- Wonderfully done.
:)

 Comment Written 25-Aug-2013

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reply by the author on 25-Aug-2013

What a wonderful review, I don't know much about Japanese poetry either. If a form interest me, I try it. For some reason the
5-7-5 has worked well. I trust you are having a peaceful day, love to you and your dear Mother, :-) Carolyn

reply by Sagnik Das on 25-Aug-2013

Hey, Carolyn! -- It was you !!!!

Comment from Dean Kuch

Excellent

Ah, yes, a geyser of powerful, spewing love. Love does that sometimes. It explodes in a vigorously dynamic burst, getting a little bit on everyone lucky enough to witness it.

Nicely done, and best of luck to you in the contest.

 Comment Written 24-Aug-2013

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reply by the author on 25-Aug-2013

Thank you Dean, What a wonderful blue ribbon. It is likely to be the one I win, :-) . I will treasure it. You are always an encouragement to me. :-) Carolyn

reply by Dean Kuch on 25-Aug-2013

My pleasure, Carolyn!

Comment from Evelyn Fort Stewart

Excellent

This is an amazing picture and the poem is so perfect for it. This is well-written and has a smooth flow. good job. god loves you and I do too.

 Comment Written 24-Aug-2013

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reply by the author on 24-Aug-2013

Thank you Evelyn, I always appreciate your fine reviews. Carolyn

Comment from Bill Schott

Excellent

This senryu is a lift to read and the snapshot of the geyser helps to elevate the sense of joy even further. Great job with this piece.

 Comment Written 24-Aug-2013

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reply by the author on 24-Aug-2013

Thanks Bill, I appreciate your kind remarks, :-) Carolyn

Comment from adewpearl

Excellent

Wonderful pairing of poem and photo
Your poem is in excellent 5/7/5 form
delightful imagery and alliteration in bliss bubbles
and I love the main simile of joy like a fountain
what a delightful expression of heartfelt emotion :-) Brooke

 Comment Written 24-Aug-2013

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reply by the author on 24-Aug-2013

Hi Brooke, your review has made my day. Thank you for the through read and comments. Hope you have a wonderful weekend.

Comment from Ben Colder

Excellent

Nice entry . Great thoughts. The photo is good and enhances the poem. Best wishes in the contest. I see no fault in the poem at all.

 Comment Written 24-Aug-2013

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reply by the author on 24-Aug-2013

Thanks Ben, I am glad you liked it.

Comment from loibeth

Excellent

Oh, I like that! A very well- written poem which stirs the emotions and makes one happy,


Joy like a fountain

of bliss bubbles wild and free

in hearts full of love

 Comment Written 24-Aug-2013

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reply by the author on 24-Aug-2013

Thanks for your 'exuberant' review. :-)

Comment from Uniqusatya

Excellent

Hey that great presentation of the expression and the picture too made it look more lively.I suppose the last line is one syllable more :)

 Comment Written 24-Aug-2013

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reply by the author on 24-Aug-2013

Thanks for the nice review. Have a great day. :-)

Comment from sweetwoodjax

Excellent

this is very well written, mystery writer, you did an excellent job writing this senryu in light of the example that was given. most senryu are supposed to be two lines that form a complete thought and the third line clarifies it. just letting you know in case others mark down for it. good luck in the contest

 Comment Written 24-Aug-2013

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reply by the author on 24-Aug-2013

Hi there, I tweaked it a little and am still thinking about that last line :-) You are appreciated.

Comment from rama devi

Excellent

Second review


Much better!



First review (FOUR stars)

Love the tone and flavor of this and the joyful presentation as well. While this is almost a true to form senryu (with only the title being off-form, since traditionally, the title should be written as the first line of the poem in parenthesis next to the world senryu) there is one main issue why I felt to give four stars. Even though the tone and impact is joyous and effective, the use of cliched phrase weakens this a bit--and as it is a contest entry, I recommend revision, if there's still time.

FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH....very cliche. Maybe put a fresh spin on it and replace YOUTH with a different word? (Bliss, maybe?)

I love how the closing line clarifies how the heart is bubbling with joy!

This has great potential but needs a tweak to live up to it, IMHO.

Best wishes,
rd

PS I like the title but if the contest is formal, the title should read:

senryu (joy like a fountain)

 Comment Written 24-Aug-2013

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reply by the author on 24-Aug-2013

Thanks for the assistance. I tweaked the title and worked on the 'cliche', hadn't thought of that.

reply by rama devi on 24-Aug-2013

Happy to help. Good revisions! :)

reply by the author on 24-Aug-2013

smilesssssssssss!

reply by rama devi on 24-Aug-2013

:-)