Straight Arrow
Fiction37 total reviews
Comment from clbechtold
Loved the twist at the end. I was thinking her mom was stepping out. Great set up. Easy to read and imagine the scene in such few words.
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2010
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Loved the twist at the end. I was thinking her mom was stepping out. Great set up. Easy to read and imagine the scene in such few words.
Comment Written 18-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2010
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Thank you for reading this. Writing very short stories is difficult for me, but I love the challenge, so I try.
Comment from irishauthorme
I had written a review on this excellent story before, but somehow it did not reach you.
I fell that you managed to tell a full, entertaining story in just 100 words, and you gave us a pleasant and unexpected surprise at the end, delicious!
irish
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2010
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I had written a review on this excellent story before, but somehow it did not reach you.
I fell that you managed to tell a full, entertaining story in just 100 words, and you gave us a pleasant and unexpected surprise at the end, delicious!
irish
Comment Written 12-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2010
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Thank you for this review. I'm so glad you came back to try again, and I so much appreciate your kind words. I'm glad you liked it.
Comment from Xylok
first of all, im impressed there are even human beings on this planet who would dare to attempt to write under the conditions you were forced to write under. i mean, seriously, 100-150 words is tough enough, but to tell you what some have to be is like asking someone to train a gnat to spelunk, and then to have that eclectic compilation of words be a madatory insertion, well, let's just say i'd sooner be able to eat my malibu than do what you did here. what drives you to accept such challenges i may never know, as i am of that lazy persuasion as i mentioned before, but you do it well!
as for the story, well, i think it's charming. not sure if the winner was just an amazing story or what because this is entertaining if you ask me. i love the ending, adorable. i dont know exactly how to review prose though to be honest, as i seldom read it. as far as suggestions for change, maybe the word shriek doesn't necessarily convey her emotions clearly enough. when i first read it i thought she was scared by a man in uniform that for some reason she was calling daddy, since your story made us think she was cheating of course, (clever title by the way), or that she was startled at the very least, but not because it was him, rather because there was a uniformed figure there at all. about two seconds later i figured it out, but then thought, hmmmm, wonder about that word. not that i have the solution, lol, just pointing out the problem, nice huh? ha. such is life though right? oh, and wood floor or wooden floor, again not sure, but im thinking the other way, and this part:
Wearing a slim, black dress, her hair caught in a velvet ribbon and a single strand of pearls at her throat, she reminded Cassie of a Barbie Doll.
is very good! look at all the description, on task, and the imagery it proffers.
Stiletto heels clicked across the wood floor as she hurried out, trailing the scent of gardenias.
like i even need to say it; love that line.
i guess you could have somehow wove more magic into it or maybe sold your soul to figure out a way to cram a subplot into the two words you probably had to spare, but all in all, id say you got yourself a keeper here. i loved how it all made me feel, but also how it inspired me to believe in the merit of the familial unit. you could alway add another hundred words or so to squeeze back in some of that stuff you had to cut that you didn't want to, to develop it with some of that aforementioned magic you seem to think it might be missing...if you aren't hooked on some new project involving geriatric footwear or bright floating circles of nature driven love wafting about :)
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2010
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first of all, im impressed there are even human beings on this planet who would dare to attempt to write under the conditions you were forced to write under. i mean, seriously, 100-150 words is tough enough, but to tell you what some have to be is like asking someone to train a gnat to spelunk, and then to have that eclectic compilation of words be a madatory insertion, well, let's just say i'd sooner be able to eat my malibu than do what you did here. what drives you to accept such challenges i may never know, as i am of that lazy persuasion as i mentioned before, but you do it well!
as for the story, well, i think it's charming. not sure if the winner was just an amazing story or what because this is entertaining if you ask me. i love the ending, adorable. i dont know exactly how to review prose though to be honest, as i seldom read it. as far as suggestions for change, maybe the word shriek doesn't necessarily convey her emotions clearly enough. when i first read it i thought she was scared by a man in uniform that for some reason she was calling daddy, since your story made us think she was cheating of course, (clever title by the way), or that she was startled at the very least, but not because it was him, rather because there was a uniformed figure there at all. about two seconds later i figured it out, but then thought, hmmmm, wonder about that word. not that i have the solution, lol, just pointing out the problem, nice huh? ha. such is life though right? oh, and wood floor or wooden floor, again not sure, but im thinking the other way, and this part:
Wearing a slim, black dress, her hair caught in a velvet ribbon and a single strand of pearls at her throat, she reminded Cassie of a Barbie Doll.
is very good! look at all the description, on task, and the imagery it proffers.
Stiletto heels clicked across the wood floor as she hurried out, trailing the scent of gardenias.
like i even need to say it; love that line.
i guess you could have somehow wove more magic into it or maybe sold your soul to figure out a way to cram a subplot into the two words you probably had to spare, but all in all, id say you got yourself a keeper here. i loved how it all made me feel, but also how it inspired me to believe in the merit of the familial unit. you could alway add another hundred words or so to squeeze back in some of that stuff you had to cut that you didn't want to, to develop it with some of that aforementioned magic you seem to think it might be missing...if you aren't hooked on some new project involving geriatric footwear or bright floating circles of nature driven love wafting about :)
Comment Written 11-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2010
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Hahaha! You say the funniest things, and the funniest part is, I know what you're talking about! Yes, I think you make a good point about the word 'shrieked.' At first it ended with simply the girl waking and then saying "Daddy!" I guess that was better after all. Adding more words may not be the best idea. Thanks so much for taking time to read this. Your comments and perspective are always helpful and instructive.
Comment from Alaskastory
'Straight Arrow' is a clever story. The use of all the required words came in a natural way. Pretty tricky! You got a lot of story in so few words.
I would not change a word. I'm sorry to have missed the contest for surely this one is a big winner.
Great job, MissM.
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2010
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'Straight Arrow' is a clever story. The use of all the required words came in a natural way. Pretty tricky! You got a lot of story in so few words.
I would not change a word. I'm sorry to have missed the contest for surely this one is a big winner.
Great job, MissM.
Comment Written 10-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2010
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Thank you kind Alaskastory. I'm so glad you liked my story. Not a winner, but that's okay. It was a great writing experience for me and I enjoyed the challenge the contest provided. I'm glad you liked it. That's prize enough. : )
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Thank you kind Alaskastory. I'm so glad you liked my story. Not a winner, but that's okay. It was a great writing experience for me and I enjoyed the challenge the contest provided. I'm glad you liked it. That's prize enough. : )
Comment from redrider6612
Nice job with this. Good use of the required words, with only a few places words could be trimmed:
[leaving behind] the scent of gardenias--'trailing'
Feeling as if her heart would break,--too wordy; try: Heart breaking,
to her [favorite] fantasy world --superfluous
Overall, this was the best one I've read so far. Keep working on micro flash--it's challenging, but it teaches economy of words. Excellent twist in the end, which a lot of authors fail to deliver. Best wishes in the contest.
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2010
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Nice job with this. Good use of the required words, with only a few places words could be trimmed:
[leaving behind] the scent of gardenias--'trailing'
Feeling as if her heart would break,--too wordy; try: Heart breaking,
to her [favorite] fantasy world --superfluous
Overall, this was the best one I've read so far. Keep working on micro flash--it's challenging, but it teaches economy of words. Excellent twist in the end, which a lot of authors fail to deliver. Best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 09-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2010
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Thank you for the encouraging comments, and for pointing out ways I could have cut even more words. This is the MOST difficult thing for me, but I know it is excellent practice for a writer. (By the way, your entry in this contest was my favorite and the one I voted for, though the winning one was also awfully cute and clever.) Thanks for the advice. I'll keep trying! :P
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Thank you. I was unable to read that entry, so I'll have to take your word for it.
Comment from NeuralSplyce
Nice little plot twist at the end. A couple of suggestions:
in the entry hall mirror, applying pink lip gloss. - it's not perfectly clear who is applying pink gloss, Cassie or her mother. How about "her mother applying pink gloss in the..."
was the "straight arrow" Daddy thought she was. - generally, when you have dialogue in a story, anything not dialogue should be in single quotes or italics.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2010
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Nice little plot twist at the end. A couple of suggestions:
in the entry hall mirror, applying pink lip gloss. - it's not perfectly clear who is applying pink gloss, Cassie or her mother. How about "her mother applying pink gloss in the..."
was the "straight arrow" Daddy thought she was. - generally, when you have dialogue in a story, anything not dialogue should be in single quotes or italics.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2010
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I thank you for your helpful suggestions. I tried very hard to make that line clear and changed it several times, but my problem is word limit. I cannot use even one more word anywhere or I'd be over the limit. I will look at it again. Thanks so much. I appreciate your review.
Comment from missy98writer
Writer,
Great story you've written in the required words. The story about Cassie seeing her mom dressed up to go meet someone. I liked the ending when the man was Cassie's dad. I wondered why Cassie thought her mom was seeing another man besides her daddy away at war? Your story leaves many questions to the imagination. For the required words and length you've told a wonderful story.
Missy.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2010
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Writer,
Great story you've written in the required words. The story about Cassie seeing her mom dressed up to go meet someone. I liked the ending when the man was Cassie's dad. I wondered why Cassie thought her mom was seeing another man besides her daddy away at war? Your story leaves many questions to the imagination. For the required words and length you've told a wonderful story.
Missy.
Comment Written 09-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2010
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I didn't realize how extremely difficult it was to tell a complete story in so few words. I hoped the reader would assume that Cassie's idea about Mom meeting a stranger was because her dad was in Afghanistan. At first I had written, "Mother smiled mysteriously" and, "If you're good, I'll bring him home to meet you too," and other "hints" like that, but to get it under the word limit, everything had to be cut out and only the barest story was left. I prefer a few more words to work with, frankly. But the challenge was interesting and fun anyway. Thanks for your good comments and excellent review. I do appreciate it so much.
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Yeah stories with a certain count are restrictive. You did a marvelous job with the restraints. There was a begenning, middle and and end.
Missy.
Comment from Ann Smith
For such a short story it packs a punch. I like the twist in the story. I thought it was going to be sad and it turned out to be very happy. The details were clear and I could picture Cassie in every step. Good luck with the contest. ann
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2010
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For such a short story it packs a punch. I like the twist in the story. I thought it was going to be sad and it turned out to be very happy. The details were clear and I could picture Cassie in every step. Good luck with the contest. ann
Comment Written 09-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2010
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Thanks SO much, Ann, for this really encouraging review. I do appreciate your encouraging words.
Comment from Sasha
I enjoyed this very much. You have done an excellent job both writing a very touching story and doing it in less than 150 words. This is a great entry for the contest and I wish you all the best.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2010
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I enjoyed this very much. You have done an excellent job both writing a very touching story and doing it in less than 150 words. This is a great entry for the contest and I wish you all the best.
Comment Written 09-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2010
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Thanks so much for this very generous review and the kind comments. It was tough, but fun to try this.
Comment from jclark
Excellent contest entry. You very cleverly used the list of words and weaved a heartfelt story that touched me. You set the bar on this one. Good luck!
Judy
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2010
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Excellent contest entry. You very cleverly used the list of words and weaved a heartfelt story that touched me. You set the bar on this one. Good luck!
Judy
Comment Written 09-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2010
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Thank you so much for your wonderful review and for the six stars too. I'm so happy to know you liked it!
