Can You See The Real Me?
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "She Looked Like Jabba-The-Hut"A collection of ten Novella styled stories
4 total reviews
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
My worry here is that your story is much too long in one post and is likely to deter reviewers and their critiques. Ideally, it should be edited down and that means making all your detail much more concise and readable. Your writing is generally good otherwise and you recount an interesting story with humour and character. I particularly enjoyed the meeting with Momma and her son. And think it's always good to play up these scenarios and play down some of the more mundane ones. There are a few edits/suggestions (below). But thank you for sharing and good luck in your future writing. Take care Debbie.
tone of disgust rather than 'disgusting tone' (suggesting that the tone is disgusting!)
is a trailer (inhabited)?
Temperature not temp - The abbreviation doesn't sound right
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2024
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My worry here is that your story is much too long in one post and is likely to deter reviewers and their critiques. Ideally, it should be edited down and that means making all your detail much more concise and readable. Your writing is generally good otherwise and you recount an interesting story with humour and character. I particularly enjoyed the meeting with Momma and her son. And think it's always good to play up these scenarios and play down some of the more mundane ones. There are a few edits/suggestions (below). But thank you for sharing and good luck in your future writing. Take care Debbie.
tone of disgust rather than 'disgusting tone' (suggesting that the tone is disgusting!)
is a trailer (inhabited)?
Temperature not temp - The abbreviation doesn't sound right
Comment Written 25-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2024
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Thanks for taking the time to submit a review. I mostly write short stories, ~1500 words. I just posted one of my favorites (Can You Keep a Secret?), for the Christmas Contest. I have only written 10 "medium" length stories ~6000 words like "Jabba". I kind of like mixing the short and long ones up. I will roll in the edits that you noted. Thanks again.
Comment from pome lover
well. Mr.Kelly, that was a very long, but interesting story. The descriptions of the area and of the people were realistic. What I'd like to know is what happened with Steve? I didn't really understand the holes he dug or why he dug them and why he left such a mess? and then refused to fix them. Was he fired?
It sounds, from your bio, like you've led a very interesting life. :)
Katharine
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2024
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well. Mr.Kelly, that was a very long, but interesting story. The descriptions of the area and of the people were realistic. What I'd like to know is what happened with Steve? I didn't really understand the holes he dug or why he dug them and why he left such a mess? and then refused to fix them. Was he fired?
It sounds, from your bio, like you've led a very interesting life. :)
Katharine
Comment Written 25-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2024
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Thanks for taking the time to submit a review. Steve dug the holes to determine if any blasting would need to be done to create the airshaft site. Steve eventually got laid off. I mostly write short stories, ~1500 words. I just posted one of my favorites (Can You Keep a Secret?), for the Christmas Contest. I have only written 10 "medium" length stories ~6000 words like "Jabba". Glad it kept you interested. I kind of like mixing the short and long ones up.
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
What an enjoyable read! ! The descriptions of the characters, especially "Shrek" and "Mamma," brought the story to life. It's entertaining to see how everything was balanced. I loved the ending. Fantastic work!
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2024
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What an enjoyable read! ! The descriptions of the characters, especially "Shrek" and "Mamma," brought the story to life. It's entertaining to see how everything was balanced. I loved the ending. Fantastic work!
Comment Written 25-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2024
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Thanks for taking the time to submit a review. I like the FANSTORY format of getting reviews (the positive ones provide encouragement) and constructive criticism (which helps me become a better writer). Stay tuned, I have plenty of more mining stories in the pipeline.
Comment from Cecilia A Heiskary
CM,
This is a great story and I know it's true. Even thought you don't have an English background you did a great job telling this story.
Well done
Cecilia
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2024
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CM,
This is a great story and I know it's true. Even thought you don't have an English background you did a great job telling this story.
Well done
Cecilia
Comment Written 23-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2024
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Thanks for taking the time to submit a review. I am new to FanStory. I like this format of getting reviews (the positive ones provide encouragement) and constructive criticism (which helps me become a better writer). This story was one of my longer ones, I mostly write ~1500 word stories
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CM,
I only been on here 2 months and I like the feedback good and bad. There are a lot of talented authors on here to help you.
Cecilia
