Can You See The Real Me?
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "He had a Bowie Knife..."A collection of ten Novella styled stories
3 total reviews
Comment from samandlancelot
Hi CM,
You might say you don't have professional writing experience, but you are clearly a professional writer. I was awed by your skills in sharing your real-life experiences. Bravo! Your pacing, setting details, and character interactions were exceptional! It was my pleasure to read about your experiences.
"(it is called a Hollow in Pennsylvania, or a Holler in West Virginia)" (Thank you for this distinction)
During this process, I found out was (delete 'was') there was only one company, Zeni Drilling (add comma. If there is only one, surround the name by commas. If there were more than one company, you would not use commas before or after.) that performed blind hole drilling of air shafts.
And yes, it goes against all the fair play rules to award a project to a brand new, untested, uninsured, with no financial history. Especially if it's an off-shoot of a competitor, headed up by a disgruntled field manager. (This is good foreshadowing to a possible disaster)
My reaction was like that of a dog that chases a car and unexpectedly catches the car. (love the metaphor)
The explanation I got was that these aspects were glossed over "just this one time". (If you're writing American English, the period always goes before the end quotation mark, not after).
but he was greener than me, (change comma to semicolon. You might want to check throughout your story for the other incidents where you have two complete sentences separated by a comma, which should be a semicolon.) apparently, he, or his family, had money.
With time running out, I issued an ultimatum, if the drill bit wasn't on site in 7 days I would kick them off the site and terminate their contract. (good)
He also gave some words to my boss for not supporting me and putting me in this difficult position. It was a good day to be me. (I love it)
On day 6 a low boy (lowboy - one word) tractor trailer showed up with the massive drill bit
The Dukes of Hazards had nothing on me. (I love it!)
logging roads or power lines right-of-way to shave off some miles or minutes
. (move period up to previous line)
These trips were adventurous and fun at the same. (insert 'time')
the roustabout raised his head just in time to let the free-falling 3-ton block of steel whooshed by and hit its natura (either to let ... whoosh by, or as the free ... whooshed by)
His in-attention (inattention - no hyphen) almost got his colleague killed
, all together they did not add to what I would experience next! (This really adds to the suspense)
I worked my way back to the intersection of the two creeks. I climbed back up to the main road. (Your short sentences work perfectly for pacing and adding suspense about what's to come)
At about 100 feet away I kept my eyes fixed on him, waiting for any sudden moves, and then I saw it, on his boot he had a strap-on bowie knife! A big bowie knife, with a 10-inch blade or maybe more. (You are extremely skilled at building suspense. I love it!)
Adding to this mystery, I did not catch up to him. I only had to walk a quarter of a mile to the truck and he had at least a mile to the intersection with the two-lane main road. When I reached the intersection I looked both ways, to the left I could see at least a half mile to the right a few hundred feet. There was no way he could have walked far enough for me not to see him, even with a 5-minute lag. This raised the fear level again within me, the adrenalin was starting to rise. I wondered if I had imagined the whole thing. Where did he go? I turned the truck to the left and headed back home. (This entire section was brilliantly written. Such a pleasure to read.)
I knew I never wanted to run it to (change 'it to' to 'into') him again.
Apparently while standing on the road while watching the (delete second 'while')
Patricia
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2024
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Hi CM,
You might say you don't have professional writing experience, but you are clearly a professional writer. I was awed by your skills in sharing your real-life experiences. Bravo! Your pacing, setting details, and character interactions were exceptional! It was my pleasure to read about your experiences.
"(it is called a Hollow in Pennsylvania, or a Holler in West Virginia)" (Thank you for this distinction)
During this process, I found out was (delete 'was') there was only one company, Zeni Drilling (add comma. If there is only one, surround the name by commas. If there were more than one company, you would not use commas before or after.) that performed blind hole drilling of air shafts.
And yes, it goes against all the fair play rules to award a project to a brand new, untested, uninsured, with no financial history. Especially if it's an off-shoot of a competitor, headed up by a disgruntled field manager. (This is good foreshadowing to a possible disaster)
My reaction was like that of a dog that chases a car and unexpectedly catches the car. (love the metaphor)
The explanation I got was that these aspects were glossed over "just this one time". (If you're writing American English, the period always goes before the end quotation mark, not after).
but he was greener than me, (change comma to semicolon. You might want to check throughout your story for the other incidents where you have two complete sentences separated by a comma, which should be a semicolon.) apparently, he, or his family, had money.
With time running out, I issued an ultimatum, if the drill bit wasn't on site in 7 days I would kick them off the site and terminate their contract. (good)
He also gave some words to my boss for not supporting me and putting me in this difficult position. It was a good day to be me. (I love it)
On day 6 a low boy (lowboy - one word) tractor trailer showed up with the massive drill bit
The Dukes of Hazards had nothing on me. (I love it!)
logging roads or power lines right-of-way to shave off some miles or minutes
. (move period up to previous line)
These trips were adventurous and fun at the same. (insert 'time')
the roustabout raised his head just in time to let the free-falling 3-ton block of steel whooshed by and hit its natura (either to let ... whoosh by, or as the free ... whooshed by)
His in-attention (inattention - no hyphen) almost got his colleague killed
, all together they did not add to what I would experience next! (This really adds to the suspense)
I worked my way back to the intersection of the two creeks. I climbed back up to the main road. (Your short sentences work perfectly for pacing and adding suspense about what's to come)
At about 100 feet away I kept my eyes fixed on him, waiting for any sudden moves, and then I saw it, on his boot he had a strap-on bowie knife! A big bowie knife, with a 10-inch blade or maybe more. (You are extremely skilled at building suspense. I love it!)
Adding to this mystery, I did not catch up to him. I only had to walk a quarter of a mile to the truck and he had at least a mile to the intersection with the two-lane main road. When I reached the intersection I looked both ways, to the left I could see at least a half mile to the right a few hundred feet. There was no way he could have walked far enough for me not to see him, even with a 5-minute lag. This raised the fear level again within me, the adrenalin was starting to rise. I wondered if I had imagined the whole thing. Where did he go? I turned the truck to the left and headed back home. (This entire section was brilliantly written. Such a pleasure to read.)
I knew I never wanted to run it to (change 'it to' to 'into') him again.
Apparently while standing on the road while watching the (delete second 'while')
Patricia
Comment Written 22-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2024
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Thank you so much for the review and constructive criticism. This is exactly what I need and why I joined FanStory. Yes, I am horrible at punctuation. I really have no idea how to use Semi-colons. This is the most helpful review so far, but honestly, they all have been great. I would love to get your input on some of my other postings. Thx again.
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I usually like to offer web pages when I edit, but Fanstory doesn't allow it. If you go to Merriam Webster and search "a Guide to Using Semicolons, it should help.
Comment from Rick Gardner
Read every word, liked, the detailed description of the site and the biding process.
Then the actual process of drilling, the problems being addressed, then the unexpected encounter and the issue of the right side of his face blown off. A strange thing to see and imagine the tragedy this individual did to himself. The question is why not try again and again. Not sure I would read this again, as I like serial murder stories better.
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2024
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Read every word, liked, the detailed description of the site and the biding process.
Then the actual process of drilling, the problems being addressed, then the unexpected encounter and the issue of the right side of his face blown off. A strange thing to see and imagine the tragedy this individual did to himself. The question is why not try again and again. Not sure I would read this again, as I like serial murder stories better.
Comment Written 20-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2024
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Thanks for the review. Re your question, "Why not try again?", it's a good one, that only he knows. FYI - I left the company and area within a year after that incident, thus I never knew what happened to him.
Comment from CrystieCookie999
I liked reading this account. I think the technical details were interesting, even if I didn't fully understand them, including these sentences:
"Like me, he was amazed at the whole process, specifically how a relatively small 100 hp air compressor, utilizing the Venturi effect, could raise the cuttings of the drill bit 400 feet down the hole and bring it up to the manmade cuttings pit. He was even more amazed when I reached into the edge of the pond and showed him the banana-shaped-sized rock cuttings each about 5 lbs. in weight.
"While we stood there, about 100 feet from the shaft sinking operation we looked back at the rig and watched as the two-man crew began to change out the 10-inch diameter drill rod and add another 40-foot string. I had seen this process a thousand times, from small core drilling rigs that could be hitched to the back of a pickup truck to the big boy rigs that could go down a mile or more for oil or natural gas deposits. It's a simple repetitive process, but dangerous, that we have all seen in movies many times. One wrong move and the driller helper/roughneck or roustabout could easily lose a finger, hand, arm, or his life.
The other part of the story about Jason seems like it fits the title best. You might want to use the falling three-ton turntable chuck incident as a separate post.
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2024
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I liked reading this account. I think the technical details were interesting, even if I didn't fully understand them, including these sentences:
"Like me, he was amazed at the whole process, specifically how a relatively small 100 hp air compressor, utilizing the Venturi effect, could raise the cuttings of the drill bit 400 feet down the hole and bring it up to the manmade cuttings pit. He was even more amazed when I reached into the edge of the pond and showed him the banana-shaped-sized rock cuttings each about 5 lbs. in weight.
"While we stood there, about 100 feet from the shaft sinking operation we looked back at the rig and watched as the two-man crew began to change out the 10-inch diameter drill rod and add another 40-foot string. I had seen this process a thousand times, from small core drilling rigs that could be hitched to the back of a pickup truck to the big boy rigs that could go down a mile or more for oil or natural gas deposits. It's a simple repetitive process, but dangerous, that we have all seen in movies many times. One wrong move and the driller helper/roughneck or roustabout could easily lose a finger, hand, arm, or his life.
The other part of the story about Jason seems like it fits the title best. You might want to use the falling three-ton turntable chuck incident as a separate post.
Comment Written 19-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2024
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Thx for the reply. In part, the reason I am writing these stories is to appeal to those who worked in the industry and engineers in general. I am so tired of reading coal mining stories that all sound like a rehash of "Coal Miners Daughter". I am trying to balance "a documentary style story", where I stuff in a lot of detail, with my personal experiences. ,I'm new at this so there is a lot of trial and error. thx again
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Oh, I've heard of that movie but have never seen it all the way through. My uncle Mike used to work at a coal mining company in Wyoming until he retired. And I once wrote a musical play about a coal miner ancestor and his family who were immigrants from Scotland in the 19th Century. Maybe I should post that scene by scene, ha ha.
