Love, Rage and Retribution
A man seeks revenge for his wife's death.4 total reviews
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
I just wrote my first Western " Hardly Quicksilver Jones". It is not near as bloody as yours. I can write bloody. See "Lorelie" or "A room of my own". Plenty bloody. You write well. I would suggest that you use bigger type font, as many here have eye trouble. You write well. Karen
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2025
  |
I just wrote my first Western " Hardly Quicksilver Jones". It is not near as bloody as yours. I can write bloody. See "Lorelie" or "A room of my own". Plenty bloody. You write well. I would suggest that you use bigger type font, as many here have eye trouble. You write well. Karen
Comment Written 12-Jan-2025
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2025
-
Thank you Karen. I hadn't thought of the font, great suggestion, thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed the story. I may explore these characters more, there are stories to be told about the survivors, perhaps a bloody, western romance of sorts! I'll check out your story if it's posted here, and your other titles.
-
Your story is well done, I will look for some more. Karen
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Good standard fare you've created here. The old revenge tale which is something of a common trope with the Western. I think it's the 'wild, few laws' type of thing that leads to these type of stories.
This is a solid piece but there are a few areas where you could tighten things up a bit, especially in terms of scene mechanics.
I made some notes as I read through-
He could, however, - not sure why you've used italics here.
any career criminals, however, laying low was not in their DNA - personally, I'd shy away from using DNA here as it lifts the reader out of the time of the piece. Perhaps say nature instead.
He had a bar rag draped over one shoulder, and his hand was cradling the business end of the pistol. He looked comfortable with it in his grip. - this doesn't gel with the previous description - cracked open an eye to see the barrel of a gun pointed at him, lying flat on a wooden surface about four feet from his face. - Think of your scene mechanics here. If he was cradling it, it couldn't have been lying flat. The business end of the gun is usually referring to the barrel as that's where the bullet exits from as well.
Be careful with your adverb usage as they can signal lazy writing. When you use then around tags they can deflect what away from what is said to how it's said. They are also essentially telling words / shortcuts and can skew your writing to telling over showing if not careful.
If the barkeep had been holding the gun whilst he was unconscious, why would he leave it on the bar near him when he woke up?
wanted poster Duane had stuffed in his saddle bag, also gone. - earlier saddlebag was presented as a single word. Make sure you keep the presentation consistent.
He had spent his entire existence since that day chasing them down - not if he'd time to become a bounty hunter and collect other bounties!
Anybody who'd shoot someone for money was one to keep an eye on (he failed to see the irony in this.) - need closing punctuation outside of the brackets.
Have another look at the mechanics of the scene and play it out in your head. The descriptions have Joe still behind the bar and Billy next to Duane (he had his gun in his back only minutes before and there's nothing saying he's moved). This means Joe would have been in front of Duane when he went for the gun. Billy wouldn't need to reach under the bar for the shotgun as his gun was still out (nothing to say otherwise) and he'd have been on the opposite side of the bar, next to Duane. The only movement from this was when Joe brought the drinks down from far end of bar but they never changed position. I would rethink this.
Blood flew in arcing sprays, drenching the entire bar. - this is a tad hyperbolic - it couldn't have drenched the entire bar.
The Spanish woman Luisa, the innkeeper's daughter, - change of focus here.
chest up to the where the paddle formed. - delete the first use of 'the' here.
Th characterisation is appealing and the action is written well but needs scene placement looked at.
I wasn't totally sold on the ending either. A big part of it changes from being Duane's story to Luisa's and the final paragraph felt a bit too wrapped up (but that's probably just me).
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2024
 |
Hi there,
Good standard fare you've created here. The old revenge tale which is something of a common trope with the Western. I think it's the 'wild, few laws' type of thing that leads to these type of stories.
This is a solid piece but there are a few areas where you could tighten things up a bit, especially in terms of scene mechanics.
I made some notes as I read through-
He could, however, - not sure why you've used italics here.
any career criminals, however, laying low was not in their DNA - personally, I'd shy away from using DNA here as it lifts the reader out of the time of the piece. Perhaps say nature instead.
He had a bar rag draped over one shoulder, and his hand was cradling the business end of the pistol. He looked comfortable with it in his grip. - this doesn't gel with the previous description - cracked open an eye to see the barrel of a gun pointed at him, lying flat on a wooden surface about four feet from his face. - Think of your scene mechanics here. If he was cradling it, it couldn't have been lying flat. The business end of the gun is usually referring to the barrel as that's where the bullet exits from as well.
Be careful with your adverb usage as they can signal lazy writing. When you use then around tags they can deflect what away from what is said to how it's said. They are also essentially telling words / shortcuts and can skew your writing to telling over showing if not careful.
If the barkeep had been holding the gun whilst he was unconscious, why would he leave it on the bar near him when he woke up?
wanted poster Duane had stuffed in his saddle bag, also gone. - earlier saddlebag was presented as a single word. Make sure you keep the presentation consistent.
He had spent his entire existence since that day chasing them down - not if he'd time to become a bounty hunter and collect other bounties!
Anybody who'd shoot someone for money was one to keep an eye on (he failed to see the irony in this.) - need closing punctuation outside of the brackets.
Have another look at the mechanics of the scene and play it out in your head. The descriptions have Joe still behind the bar and Billy next to Duane (he had his gun in his back only minutes before and there's nothing saying he's moved). This means Joe would have been in front of Duane when he went for the gun. Billy wouldn't need to reach under the bar for the shotgun as his gun was still out (nothing to say otherwise) and he'd have been on the opposite side of the bar, next to Duane. The only movement from this was when Joe brought the drinks down from far end of bar but they never changed position. I would rethink this.
Blood flew in arcing sprays, drenching the entire bar. - this is a tad hyperbolic - it couldn't have drenched the entire bar.
The Spanish woman Luisa, the innkeeper's daughter, - change of focus here.
chest up to the where the paddle formed. - delete the first use of 'the' here.
Th characterisation is appealing and the action is written well but needs scene placement looked at.
I wasn't totally sold on the ending either. A big part of it changes from being Duane's story to Luisa's and the final paragraph felt a bit too wrapped up (but that's probably just me).
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 23-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2024
-
GMG
Thank you very much for your thorough comments. I don't always get that here. I'll look closely at the "scene mechanics" as you've suggested. I'll also clean up some of the other items. Were you an editor or still are? The comments you've made would suggest this. This is wonderful feedback and truly appreciated. This was my first crack at a western story and your solid commentary will make it a better read.
Many thanks.
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
I thought this was so enjoyable. Your writing unfolds with such intensity! I was plunged into a world of stark contrasts between frontier justice and lawlessness. The opening scene with Duane McBrine was so enjoyable. You set a somber tone that resonates throughout the story. The terse, gritty dialogue and raw emotions were amazing! I love that in a good western. And this was a good one! You capture the brutality and desperation of the characters lives so well.
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2024
|
I thought this was so enjoyable. Your writing unfolds with such intensity! I was plunged into a world of stark contrasts between frontier justice and lawlessness. The opening scene with Duane McBrine was so enjoyable. You set a somber tone that resonates throughout the story. The terse, gritty dialogue and raw emotions were amazing! I love that in a good western. And this was a good one! You capture the brutality and desperation of the characters lives so well.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2024
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2024
-
I had never written a western before, sticking to mostly horror/thriller genres. This was inspired by a prompt that was to utilize a common kitchen utensil as a murder weapon. The western theme just seemed to fit well. Thank you for the positive review.
Comment from Ricky1024
I enjoyed this even though it was a little lengthy.But the revenge factor is always a nice additional touch to the writing.
Well written Rich in Theme and Imagery.
It also, read well and flowed well with no Grammar Issues
Thanks for sharing this and have a Blessed day.
Doctor Ricky 1024
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2024
|
I enjoyed this even though it was a little lengthy.But the revenge factor is always a nice additional touch to the writing.
Well written Rich in Theme and Imagery.
It also, read well and flowed well with no Grammar Issues
Thanks for sharing this and have a Blessed day.
Doctor Ricky 1024
Comment Written 19-Jun-2024
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2024
-
Doctor Ricky 1024, thank you for the positive review of "Love, Rage and Retribution. I had never written a western themed story prior to this, so it was an adventure for me. I'm very pleased that you enjoyed it.
