Shaving

Christmas was over and the new year had begun. Looking in the bathroom mirror I could see the bearded man, with the increasingly lengthening hair, in the new light of day. 

“It’s time to clean up your act, Bucky,” said my reflection.

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t have to know, dude. That’s my job.”

“Your job? Listen, Bud, you are nothing more than a specular reflection that occurs when light hits a flat mirror and is reflected at the same angle as it hits the surface.”

“Really. Well maybe that’s what you are, man. Maybe it’s you that is a spectacular refraction.”

“Specular ref –”

“Whatever! No one cares, dude. Let’s get the hair and beard off you and face the new year looking sharp,” insisted the reflection.

“Well, okay," I said. "Let me get the hair trimmer.”

“Sure, but let’s get that beard off first. You remind me of a dime store Santa Claus.”

I pulled the electric cutting device out of the bag and plugged it into the wall receptacle. 

“The hair trimmer is for the beard, bud.”

“So they stopped making razors?” asked the reflection, with a dull look on his - er - my face.” 

“No, no, I can’t use a safety razor on these long whiskers.”

“Of course not, dummy! Get that K-bar out of its sheath and scrape that brillo pad off like a man!”

“You’re mad!” I exclaimed. 

“Don’t you keep it sharpened?” 

“You know I do! A dull fighting knife is like carrying a spoon around.”

“Well then?  Are you a man or a woman?”

“I am a man – a sane man, who doesn’t take advice from his reflection in a mirror.”

“I am a spectacular refraction!”

“A specular reflection.”

“I am the smarter of us two. Get the knife and put it to your throat.”

“How could you be smarter than me?  You are only a phenomenon of light.”

“What about the knife, bud?”

“That sounds dangerous, and totally unnecessary,” I said, scrunching my face.

“Fine! Hand the knife to me; I’ll do it myself.”

Not believing he had the stones to do it, I got the knife out of the cabinet and brought it into the bathroom. 

“Here’s the knife,” I said. 

“Never mind, bud. As you can see, I have one already.”

Though I chortled a bit, it hurt to watch him try and fail at shaving his beard with a fighting knife. I mean, he failed – spectacularly.