Compliments for Dummies

Little white lies make the world go round. When asked impossible questions, I have now used all my  considerable years, and knowledge  to give you the means to avoid  thrown kitchen objects and divorce court, or having police involved.

#1 Do these pants ( or dress, or any garment) make my ass look fat?

Use any of these choices:

Heck no, I was going to ask you if you lost weight, honey.

Or: No darling, you wanna go get some ice cream?

Or: No, they do look a little loose though, you might need a smaller size.

On no account should you say: 

It's not the pant's fault.

Or:No one can make you do anything.

Or: Yes.

Any of these comments will cause you to suffer unknown but dangerous consequences.

#2 Honey, don't you just love my Bologna surprise?   

Some nice lines might be:

You are always thinking of me darlin' and I sure appreciate the special care you take with my meals, but I am afraid this is too much fiber for me, I feel I will be in the bathroom going through several bottles of air freshener if I eat another mouthful. Can we maybe just add in another spinach salad to the weekly rota, sweetie pie?

Or, I have an idea sweetheart, instead of  you going to all the trouble to create these high fiber low calorie  meals for me every Thursday. Why don't I take you out to the soup and salad spot you like. It would be more like fun for you and me, a date night! 

Or, I tell you what sweet pea, Thursday nights, I will bring home something healthy for now on so you don't have to cook, you work so hard.

On no account, say the following: 

Baloney surprise? I was surprised I kept it down!

Or: Are we missing an end cushion?

Or: Just how old was that bologna? 

These answers could cause you to be wearing the bologna surprise.

#3 George? Did you enjoy your gift  of Joe Biden bookends? 

You might say:

Honey, you know your aunt Mabel is crazy for the man, you could really score some points if you regifted them to her.

Or: They are great they will look just perfect in your craftroom holding up all your pattern books. They will match your bookcase. 

Or: You are always thinking of me, I will take them to my Men's club, and show them off there.

Do not say:

I will have fun backing up over them so I can hear them crunch, I'm republican.

Or: Bookends? I read on a kindle!

Or, I think you have me confused with your girly ex-husband.

These comments will not instill the home with happy thoughts, or have her fall into your arms with longing. They will have her longing for a rolling pin, a big, heavy glass one.

Send me any questions you need answered, I am old I know things.