Delivery Of My Angel

            My   Angel’s Delivery

Laying in the doctor’s office, warm gel is smeared over my belly. The nurse moves the monitor all around, images of my unborn son come across the screen above my head. Thrilled and excited to get a look at my son. I just stare in amazement as the nurse types in different notes and sizes. Not knowing exactly what every image was besides the one’s that showed him clearly. I remember the nurse moving the monitor, telling my little man to stop being stubborn and move.  “Okay, we’re all done”, the doctor will be in shortly, the nurse said has she walked out. I could sense something was going on, but I had no idea what it could be.  Few minutes later the doctor walks in. I remember it like it was yesterday.  She sat softly in the chair in front of me and put her hand on my knee. Her eyes locked with mine, and you could see the tears she fought to hold back. Suddenly I felt a deep gut ranching feeling and softy mumbled what’s wrong? I’m so sorry, there is no heartbeat. The moment those words fell off her lips. I lost it, hands over my face and screaming as loud as I could.  No, not my baby, tears poured as my heart broke. The words echoing in my mind as the realization of what was said sunk in.  Deep swallow, trying to gather myself. So deep it left my chest aching.

      Some time had passed and I was brought back to reality.  My mom hugging me and trying to move my hands down. My pain quickly grew and changed into anger and denial all at once. The roller coaster of emotions left me numb and I zoned out. 26 weeks pregnant, only 14 weeks to go. I dropped to my knees,  as I held my belly. Crying and pleading with God, please just give me my son back. Few minutes later I was giving an option, which set me more into despair. You can go home for a few days and then deliver my son,  or go now and deliver my sleeping angel.  Suddenly I was snapped back into the reality of what was going on once again. Anxiety and panic set in quickly as the thought of my unborn child is dead inside of me. No, I shouted I want to go now, I need to get him out. As the words rolled out my lips, I felt ashamed and guilt.  It’s hard to describe the moments and the feelings.  Loving your child and wanting to keep him in my belly were he belonged just for a little longer.  And wanting him out since he was gone. My body was in shock and my heart was crushed.  I couldn’t think or comprehend, I was a vegetable so to speak.

   I hear my mother on the phone with my dad, letting him know what had happened and for him to come quick. Quickly he came and held me tightly, telling me how sorry he was and trying to help and not knowing how. Before going up the 2nd floor,  I walked outside to have a cigarette.  The sun hit my eyes and the warmth was felt on my skin. I stood there with my eyes closed for a moment and let the sun rays warmth lay on my face and body. Asking God why, why did he give me my son,  only to take him back six months later.  Only took a few puffs of my cigarette and threw it down,  I no longer could put off, what I hoped wasn’t true anymore. Acceptance had taken over, and I started to come to terms with the loss of my son. Though Acceptance would leave again, for the moment I knew. And true to the stages of grief,  I felt them all multiple times in the past two years.

    The doors slowly opened on the elevator and we got on. Pressing the number two button and few moments later stepped out on to the labor and delivery floor. Music started playing,  for a mother had just delivered and healthy baby. Tears poured as my parents looked at me. Mouthing the words “sorry” as they knew with each new deliver, with each new song that played my world would never be the same. Walking up to the front desk realizing they don’t know what is going on.  I cleared my throat and said I’m here to deliver my baby. With out thinking a nurse says “ oh congratulations, something they say hundred times a day to each mother who comes in. Something that was so normal and no thought about it, understandably.  Quickly my mother spoke up to let the nurses know my son was gone, and I would be delivering him sleeping.  You could see the guilt come across their faces as the realization  of what they said. Followed by deep apologies and their condolences. We walk down a long hallway, they put me in a room as far as they could, so the sounds of the music wouldn’t be all I hear.

    The next 28 hours would be the most exhausting, heart aching hours of my life. Everything was fast paced and crazy at first.  Nurses in and out, getting everything set up.  Iv in my hand and one in my arm. Monitor on my belly, so they can monitor my contractions, and a call into the doctor. I laid there once everything calmed for a moment.  Placing my hands on my belly, I cried and cried. Telling my son how much I loved him and how he now was my angel. I must of dozed off, for I was awaken by the doctor coming in. Hot and pouring sweat, realizing the medication to start my labor were in full swing. Dr. Hearn gave me his deepest condolences, and went over what was going to happen.  I loved Dr. Hearn and knew him for 11 years. He was the one to deliver my two oldest boys, and now delivering my last child.  Hours went by and the progress seemed to crawl by. Getting no where I felt and swaying back and forth between emotions.  I hit the call button and asked for my doctor. Few minutes later he appears and asks what I needed.  Can you please do a C-section I begged. Unfortunately I can’t,  and the reason blew my mind. The cost of the C-section out weighs the reason and insurance won’t cover it, he replied. I was left feeling baffled and frustrated. I shouted out, my mental well-being should be enough.  My sons  gone, he’s dead and I wanted him out. Laying there knowing made my stomach turn and hinder my mental health.  Mind is freaking out as my heart try’s to cope with such a  loss. I was stuck in two different feelings that battle each other. Feeling like I’m choking and gasping for air, I fall back asleep.  By the time I wake back up, I was 5 cm dilated  and contractions were in full movement. 

         Finally at 1:51pm I delivered my son, weighing only 2 lbs. 4.8 ounces  and 14in long. Cody was perfect and beautiful as could be. Ten fingers and ten toes, I held close. Asking why and how, can he be gone. I sat there holding him for as long as I could. Called the father so he could hold him to. Picture after picture, for it would be all I had to take home. I held my sweet boy for as long as they would let me. Walking out of the hospital, my world seem to freeze. Everything was moving but I was stuck. Crying and crying was the only thing I could do. Next morning I called the hospital earlier, wanted to hold my son one more time. Thankfully they allowed me to come, place my son in my arms my heart shattered, for he was so cold. Only was allowed to hold him for a few minutes, since he needed to be kept cold until the funeral home came and got him. Walking out the sun shine bright and a rainbow appeared in the sky. I knew my son was there with me and was alright.

In memory of my son Cody John Wyatt Johnson June 2,2022-June 2, 2022.

In order to help me cope with my grief I needed to write this.