An Anorexic Love Song

It’s so easy to say I would die for you,
living as I have, already lying in the grave.
Instead, I will say this, quivering in fear
of how full my starved heart feels:
I love you so much I will live for you.

I love you so much I will eat,
even when it fills me with fear,
because I cannot bear the thought
of you standing beside my casket.

I love you so much I will exist,
whether I feel I deserve it or not,
because I want to be a part of your life,
not a ghost gliding on the margins.

I love you so much I will cherish my body,
an old foe I abused and controlled to near death,
because I want to wrap arms around you,
because I want my heart to keep beating for you.

I love you so much I will love myself,
because you have shown me grace,
because I want to be there with you
through health and sickness, dark and light.

I love you so much I will live,
clinging to hope even when it scares me,
nourishing a future instead of destroying it,
because I want to share it with you.

I love you so much I will tell you
when I am out of this hospital bed,
so you know that all of this hardship
I did happily, gratefully, for a chance at us—
I love you so much I will live.