Blended Reality
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "Three Stevedores Remain"A collection of stories: Some True, some not
17 total reviews
Comment from oliver818
Nice story, I enjoyed reading it. It flows well and the characters are interesting and deep. Thanks for sharing this and have yourself a really great day
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2019
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Nice story, I enjoyed reading it. It flows well and the characters are interesting and deep. Thanks for sharing this and have yourself a really great day
Comment Written 19-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2019
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My thank you, is extended....
Comment from JudyE
This is a great ghost story and I wish you luck in the contest.
I hope it's okay to mention a couple of points I picked up:
We (had) driven a 10-hour drive - there doesn't seem any need for the brackets round 'had'
Using a vacation rental service, we elected to stay at a fully-refurbished early 1900s farmhouse bordering the - there is a word missing at the end of this sentence.
Our two kids, their spouses, and our four grandchildren were flying into Jacksonville, Florida the next day to drive up and join us. - comma needed after 'Florida'
Around 8:00 PM as I poured my wife a glass of Chardonnay, and was walking back into the great room - comma after '8:00pm'
a strong, musty seaweed smell enveloped the great room - You've used 'great room' before. I might have deleted 'great' or replaced it with another adjective.
filled the space with smoke and lite ash particles - spelling - light
The door flung itself open, nearly, popping off the hinges - delete comma after 'nearly'
Just as we both turned around to look up toward the second floor, we both heard the distinct rattle of chains - I would delete one of the 'both's'
We drove to the airport and while waiting for the family's flights to arrive spent time to find a new rental on the beach - comma after 'and' and 'arrive'
I contacted the rental agency and said we had left all our belongings at the farmhouse and explained to them that we had a terribly frightening experience and would pay to have our belonging packed and shipped back to us. - This sentence needs to be divided into several as there are four 'and's in it. Maybe consider 'I contacted the rental agency, saying we had left all our belongings at the farmhouse. I explained to them that we had a terribly frightening experience and would pay to have our belonging packed and shipped back to us'
would pay to have our belonging packed - should be 'belongings'
We told them of this tale - maybe 'we told them our tale'
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2019
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This is a great ghost story and I wish you luck in the contest.
I hope it's okay to mention a couple of points I picked up:
We (had) driven a 10-hour drive - there doesn't seem any need for the brackets round 'had'
Using a vacation rental service, we elected to stay at a fully-refurbished early 1900s farmhouse bordering the - there is a word missing at the end of this sentence.
Our two kids, their spouses, and our four grandchildren were flying into Jacksonville, Florida the next day to drive up and join us. - comma needed after 'Florida'
Around 8:00 PM as I poured my wife a glass of Chardonnay, and was walking back into the great room - comma after '8:00pm'
a strong, musty seaweed smell enveloped the great room - You've used 'great room' before. I might have deleted 'great' or replaced it with another adjective.
filled the space with smoke and lite ash particles - spelling - light
The door flung itself open, nearly, popping off the hinges - delete comma after 'nearly'
Just as we both turned around to look up toward the second floor, we both heard the distinct rattle of chains - I would delete one of the 'both's'
We drove to the airport and while waiting for the family's flights to arrive spent time to find a new rental on the beach - comma after 'and' and 'arrive'
I contacted the rental agency and said we had left all our belongings at the farmhouse and explained to them that we had a terribly frightening experience and would pay to have our belonging packed and shipped back to us. - This sentence needs to be divided into several as there are four 'and's in it. Maybe consider 'I contacted the rental agency, saying we had left all our belongings at the farmhouse. I explained to them that we had a terribly frightening experience and would pay to have our belonging packed and shipped back to us'
would pay to have our belonging packed - should be 'belongings'
We told them of this tale - maybe 'we told them our tale'
Comment Written 19-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2019
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Judy, First thank you for investing so much time in helping this novice improve my writing, second, I have made the suggested revisions or changed the copy. Thank you very, very much!
Comment from robyn corum
Dear Mystery Writer,
It is clear that a lot of time, thought and effort went into this piece. It was entertaining and chilling. I certainly would not want to be in their position on a dark and silent night, for sure!!! Yikes.
It's clear you have talent and are skilled with a pen. Kudos!
You'll see by the notes below that I have a lot of comments to share. They are meant to improve the post -- but you are welcome to read them and then ignore anything you don't like or agree with. *smile* We all have our own styles. I'll try to explain as I go --
1.) We (had) driven a 10-hour drive down from Washington DC to Savannah,
--> We had driven ten hours down from Washington DC to Savannah...
--> Streamlining sentences is best - cutting out all excess
2.) Having been accustomed to using a vacation rental service, we elected to stay at a fully refurbished turn of the
--> the first part is kinda irrelevant. (sorry!)
--> Using a vacation rental service, we elected to stay at a fully-refurbished early 1900s farmhouse bordering the...
3.) We arrived at the farmhouse just before the setting sun around 5:45 PM and did our customary walkthrough and selection of the bedroom that we would take as ours for the family stay.
--> We arrived with the setting sun around 5:45 PM and did our customary walkthrough, selecting a bedroom for the family stay.
4.) Our two kids, Michelle and James and their two sons and Jackie and Jason and their two sons, were flying onto Jacksonville, Fl the next day and driving up.
--> makes no sense. *smile*
--> too many kids---> Our two kids, their spouses, and our four grandchildren were flying into Jacksonville, Florida the next day to drive up and join us.
--> Since the only characters in the story are really the speaker and Bonnie, the extra names are just 'clutter' and confuse the reader.
5.) fire in the massive hearth to take the seasonal chill of(f) the air.
6.) Around 8:00 PM(, a)s I poured my wife a glass of Chardonnay and (walked) back into the great room,
7.) I heard the sound and (saw) nothing.
8.) Seeing nothing, I just shook the experience off and
--> I just shook the experience off and...
--> since you just said the see nothing part at the end of the last paragraph, you can leave it off here
9.) That really set her screaming as she squealed, "(G)et this door opened(,) now(!)"
--> later, you have more dialogue. All dialogue must be opened with capital letters, please
10.) I ran over toward her and the door and bam the door flung itself open nearly, it seemed, popping off the hinges.
--> I ran toward her. Bam! The door flung itself open, nearly, popping off the hinges.
11.) peering out of doors into the pitch-black unlit yard.
--> 'pitch-black' and 'unlit' are synonymous. Pick one.
12.) would pay to have our belong(ing)s packed and shipped back
That's it! Hope this helps -- Good luck!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2019
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Dear Mystery Writer,
It is clear that a lot of time, thought and effort went into this piece. It was entertaining and chilling. I certainly would not want to be in their position on a dark and silent night, for sure!!! Yikes.
It's clear you have talent and are skilled with a pen. Kudos!
You'll see by the notes below that I have a lot of comments to share. They are meant to improve the post -- but you are welcome to read them and then ignore anything you don't like or agree with. *smile* We all have our own styles. I'll try to explain as I go --
1.) We (had) driven a 10-hour drive down from Washington DC to Savannah,
--> We had driven ten hours down from Washington DC to Savannah...
--> Streamlining sentences is best - cutting out all excess
2.) Having been accustomed to using a vacation rental service, we elected to stay at a fully refurbished turn of the
--> the first part is kinda irrelevant. (sorry!)
--> Using a vacation rental service, we elected to stay at a fully-refurbished early 1900s farmhouse bordering the...
3.) We arrived at the farmhouse just before the setting sun around 5:45 PM and did our customary walkthrough and selection of the bedroom that we would take as ours for the family stay.
--> We arrived with the setting sun around 5:45 PM and did our customary walkthrough, selecting a bedroom for the family stay.
4.) Our two kids, Michelle and James and their two sons and Jackie and Jason and their two sons, were flying onto Jacksonville, Fl the next day and driving up.
--> makes no sense. *smile*
--> too many kids---> Our two kids, their spouses, and our four grandchildren were flying into Jacksonville, Florida the next day to drive up and join us.
--> Since the only characters in the story are really the speaker and Bonnie, the extra names are just 'clutter' and confuse the reader.
5.) fire in the massive hearth to take the seasonal chill of(f) the air.
6.) Around 8:00 PM(, a)s I poured my wife a glass of Chardonnay and (walked) back into the great room,
7.) I heard the sound and (saw) nothing.
8.) Seeing nothing, I just shook the experience off and
--> I just shook the experience off and...
--> since you just said the see nothing part at the end of the last paragraph, you can leave it off here
9.) That really set her screaming as she squealed, "(G)et this door opened(,) now(!)"
--> later, you have more dialogue. All dialogue must be opened with capital letters, please
10.) I ran over toward her and the door and bam the door flung itself open nearly, it seemed, popping off the hinges.
--> I ran toward her. Bam! The door flung itself open, nearly, popping off the hinges.
11.) peering out of doors into the pitch-black unlit yard.
--> 'pitch-black' and 'unlit' are synonymous. Pick one.
12.) would pay to have our belong(ing)s packed and shipped back
That's it! Hope this helps -- Good luck!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 18-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2019
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Robyn, Ouch but truly thank you! Of course you know I am a total novice with writing. I am so grateful for the investment of time you took to guide this soul to develop better skills. Thank you , Thank you. Every change you suggested does make this a far more improved reading experience.
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YAY!!! I'm always nervous about how my suggestions will be received. Thanks a bunch!
Comment from Y. M. Roger
A wonderful story for the contest... never rent that place again! ;) :) LOL! Some corrections below.... I stopped at the last one on the list here, there are more...
events that I --> events, that I
We have driven --> We had driven
Around 8:00 PM As I poured my wife a glass of Chardonnay, and was --> Around 8:00 PM, as I poured my wife a glass of Chardonnay and was
sound and there --> sound, but there
Seeing nothing, I just shook --> I just shook [you just said in the previous sentence that you saw nothing]
my wife Bonnie --> my wife, Bonnie
squealed, "get this door opened now," I ran over --> squealed, "Get this door opened now!" [new paragraph here] I ran over
door and bam the door --> door, and bam! The door
nearly, it seemed, popping off the hinges. --> nearly popping off the hinges.
hinges. This event --> hinges. [ new paragraph here] This event
the pitch-black unlit yard --> the pitch-black unlit yard [choose one adjective -- they are redundant]
literally bolted --> [not 'literally'... ever] :) ;) :)
We both literally felt frozen --> We both felt frozen
Then in the faraway background, out of the doorway, we saw what appeared to be a candlelit lantern that seemed to be swaying back and forth but we --> Then, in the faraway background out of the doorway, we saw a candlelit lantern that was swaying back and forth, but we
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2019
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A wonderful story for the contest... never rent that place again! ;) :) LOL! Some corrections below.... I stopped at the last one on the list here, there are more...
events that I --> events, that I
We have driven --> We had driven
Around 8:00 PM As I poured my wife a glass of Chardonnay, and was --> Around 8:00 PM, as I poured my wife a glass of Chardonnay and was
sound and there --> sound, but there
Seeing nothing, I just shook --> I just shook [you just said in the previous sentence that you saw nothing]
my wife Bonnie --> my wife, Bonnie
squealed, "get this door opened now," I ran over --> squealed, "Get this door opened now!" [new paragraph here] I ran over
door and bam the door --> door, and bam! The door
nearly, it seemed, popping off the hinges. --> nearly popping off the hinges.
hinges. This event --> hinges. [ new paragraph here] This event
the pitch-black unlit yard --> the pitch-black unlit yard [choose one adjective -- they are redundant]
literally bolted --> [not 'literally'... ever] :) ;) :)
We both literally felt frozen --> We both felt frozen
Then in the faraway background, out of the doorway, we saw what appeared to be a candlelit lantern that seemed to be swaying back and forth but we --> Then, in the faraway background out of the doorway, we saw a candlelit lantern that was swaying back and forth, but we
Comment Written 18-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2019
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Yvette, you are so very kind to take the amount of time and interest you obviously spent review and recommending necessary changes in my writing. Words, simply do not convey my deep appreciation!
Comment from Sharon Haiste
I think this is a good entry for the Ghost Story contest.
Your story is clear and well-told in detail.
I wish you luck with the contest.
Sharon
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2019
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I think this is a good entry for the Ghost Story contest.
Your story is clear and well-told in detail.
I wish you luck with the contest.
Sharon
Comment Written 18-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2019
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Thank Sharon, my first stab at ghost stories, I am not a fan of horror/ fright myself, do this was out of my comfort zone.
Comment from Jeffrey L. Michaux
This is really good. I don't think that I would have stayed there either. They were given clear directions that they followed. Before they had arrived, maximum occupancy had already been reached. Thanks for sharing this well written work. Well done!
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2019
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This is really good. I don't think that I would have stayed there either. They were given clear directions that they followed. Before they had arrived, maximum occupancy had already been reached. Thanks for sharing this well written work. Well done!
Comment Written 18-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2019
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Thank Jeffrey, my first stab at ghost stories, I am not a fan of horror/ fright myself, do this was out of my comfort zone.
Comment from Barbaraj1
This was an interesting ghost story. It was not a real scary story, but interesting from the very beginning. This is a good entry for the contest.
Good luck.
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2019
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This was an interesting ghost story. It was not a real scary story, but interesting from the very beginning. This is a good entry for the contest.
Good luck.
Comment Written 18-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2019
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Thanks, my first ever attempt at a ghost story, I am not a horror/fright movie watcher. Too scary for my blood pressure LOL
Comment from Mistydawn
This is quite a story you've written. It's very well-written, interesting start to finish. I think I would've run too. Don't blame them a bit for not wanting to go back for their things. There are definitely ghosts among us. I took a picture in a house I lived in and there was a reflection of a little boy in the window. It was the previous owner's son who had suffered a terrible accident in the home.
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2019
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This is quite a story you've written. It's very well-written, interesting start to finish. I think I would've run too. Don't blame them a bit for not wanting to go back for their things. There are definitely ghosts among us. I took a picture in a house I lived in and there was a reflection of a little boy in the window. It was the previous owner's son who had suffered a terrible accident in the home.
Comment Written 18-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2019
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Wow! Unsettling experience, of that, I am certain. We truly are surrounded by the mystery of the unknown and often unseen spirits in our midst.
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We'd already been there close to a year. So I figured if he wanted to hurt us he'd done it by now. It did explain the occasional open windows and the heating being turned up or down which was a relief. I was almost convinced I was losing my mind.
Comment from Therese Caron
I do believe there are ghosts, having had a few experiences myself. Many people think it's ridiculous, but if it ever happens to you, you know it is true.I don't know if your story is fiction or nonfiction, but it held my interest from the first word to the last. One little typo-in the beginning of the story, You say you elected to stay a fully refurbished-I am sure you meant to say AT a fully refurbished.Probably an autocorrect.I loved the story, please write more ghost stories for us!
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2019
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I do believe there are ghosts, having had a few experiences myself. Many people think it's ridiculous, but if it ever happens to you, you know it is true.I don't know if your story is fiction or nonfiction, but it held my interest from the first word to the last. One little typo-in the beginning of the story, You say you elected to stay a fully refurbished-I am sure you meant to say AT a fully refurbished.Probably an autocorrect.I loved the story, please write more ghost stories for us!
Comment Written 18-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2019
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Oops, thank you. This was my very first stab at writing a ghost story. So, thanks for the encouraging review, I may just have to write another in the coming year.
Comment from RShipp
Check out the dialogue and be sure to fix the punctuation.
LEAVE NOW words are to be dialogue. And there are a few others.
Great story... and a great excuse for teh grandsons.
I enjoyed the read.
Good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2019
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Check out the dialogue and be sure to fix the punctuation.
LEAVE NOW words are to be dialogue. And there are a few others.
Great story... and a great excuse for teh grandsons.
I enjoyed the read.
Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 17-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2019
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Thank you. Will correct